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 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB




July 4, 2003




Peanut Butter, by Annie
Jon Quotes - 2012 Edition


Peanut Butter
by Annie

::Members pass out after screaming, "She's alive!!!"::

Yes yes I'm fine.  Some of you know that I've been going through some serious life disruptions that will leave me changed forever.  I'm finally getting that metal plate in my head that I always wanted.  Doctors told me that I was crazy, that I really shouldn't put metal plates in my head unless absolutely necessary, that I was putting my life at risk, that I needed to be strapped down at the hospital and heavily medicated before I caused horrible damage to society at large, but when you've escaped to an underground bunker deep beneath the northern Pacific Ocean at an undisclosed location with two guys who don't know that you're supposed to remove the paper seal off the peanut butter jar before you plunge your butter knife into it and you start thinking that maybe you'd like to plunge something sharper into *them* even though they know how to repair the oxygen/carbon exchange generator and you don't, well, what the doctors have to say seems less and less important, doesn't it?

Where was I?  Oh yeah, happy fourth of July. And about Jon Stewart.  He's funny.

I have been working on a javascript rotating quotes collection for about a year now.  It's coming riiiiight along.  Anticipated finish date:  January 1, 2012.  Since that's a ways off, I will share some choice quotes with you now.  The last one is my favorite.

Annie, President


Jon Quotes that you probably won't see again until the year 2012

"Dude, the Matrix, the first Matrix, blew my mind, STILL.  Honestly -- to see a move that I liked Keanu Reeves in?  Oh that blew my mind."  To Lawrence Fishbourne, January 30, 2003

"I think there should be total separation of crotch and state."  On government censorship, The Seattle Times, Mar 5, 1993

"I think we're about to enter a golden age for well-taped ducts.  I mean honestly. Look at that duct.  See how well taped it is?  That's a well-taped duct."  On what we'll do with all the duct tape after the orange alert is over, February 12, 2003

"That´s only because I do heroin and have sex with hookers. It has nothing to do with comedy."  On being compared to Lenny Bruce, Steppin' Out, Dec 23, 1993

"The other day, we had Cindy Crawford and Tony Bennett on -- and I was standing next to them. Normally that would be the snapshot right before the police wrestle me to the ground."  On the benefits of hosting his own talk show, People, Apr 4, 1994

"But they never go, 'We need a guy who really can bring this emotional point home. Let's bring Stewart in.'" On his acting talent, Time Out New York, Dec 10, 1998

"Some guy called me an asshole, and I retorted quickly, 'Nuh-uh!'" On his first standup gig, Time Out New York, Dec 10, 1998

"I tried out at the Comic Strip early on and was told that it wasn't going to happen. And I was so gun-shy about it that I never went back there, even after it was working for me. It was sort of like being a kid and being scared by a mop because you thought it was a monster; and now you have this weird thing about mopping." Time Out New York, Dec 10, 1998

"I blacked out. When the paramedics came, I had a lipstick smear on my nose -- so I'm not sure what happened." On kissing Gillian Anderson, Time Out New York, Dec 10, 1998

"'Imagine Mary Tyler Moore with a penis.' And they would, and I couldn't get their attention back." On pitching show ideas, Entertainment Weekly, Jan 8, 1999

"It's not like when I said something, I heard a chorus of millions of young people saying back, 'We agree. My God, man, lead me.'" On being labeled the voice of Generation X, The Record, Jan 11, 1999

"There's a very fine like between flirting and stalking."  InStyle, Feb 1999

"Well, I don't know about a softer side. I do have a feminine side. As you've been talking to me, I've been making an afghan with the producers. But if you saw the HBO special that I did, I think my Pat Buchanan buttf***ing jokes speak for themselves." Ultimate TV, Feb 2, 1999

"I was older. It didn't hit me the same way it hit all the kids I knew. I mean, I never played with the Lando doll. I was 15 and I was the one standing there going, 'Yesssss. Princess Leia.' I [couldn't] have cared less about stupid R2-D2. I wanted to date the princess. I wanted to say to her, 'Let your braids down, baby.'" On Star Wars, Chicago Tribune, May 2, 1999

"I would most like to be around in the times of mythology. You know, in the time when like, Zeus turned into a cow, and had sex with a girl, and she flew out of his head and that's why it rains." On what historical event he would like to have witnessed, The Daily Show webcast, Dec 1999

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