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 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB

 


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JSIA NEWSLETTER
March 1, 2003

 

===============

Contents:

Poetry, by Annie
More Poetry, by Chaney
Something Weird, by Larry King & Hitler

===============

Poet
by Annie

"Annie," people often write me in e-mails, "who the heck do you think you are?" Only they don't say "heck," they say a bad word that I don't care to repeat because I don't like how civilization has a taken a negative turn in the last few decades. Well, okay, they say "hell" instead of heck. I'm so sorry you had to read that word. "F*ck off, you dipsh*t," is what I usually type back. I then sue them for libel and slander and stalk them until I'm arrested again and my parole is revoked.

In answer to the question, what I think I am is a hack poet. I'm the worst poet who has ever lived. You longtime members know what I'm talking about. Chaney urged me to write more poetry in the following manner:

   Roses are red,
   Violets are blue,
   A newsletter without poems,
   Is like macaroni necklaces without glue.

So I will. (Send complaints care of Chaney.)

   Jon Stew
   Is a pile of goo
   Blood and skin
   Like me and you.

   He breathes and eats
   Veggies and meats.
   On his income taxes
   I suspect he cheats.

   No doubt he'd say,
   "Come what may,
   The restraining order
   Is on it's way."

Not the sharp rocks!

Annie, President
Hit reply to e-mail

===============

More Poetry
by Chaney

I Don't Live In Florida
Jon's doing standup, and I don't live there.
Why doesn't he come visit over here.
I don't live in Florida or anywhere near.
I'm not in a state he would travel to I fear.
I don't even live on the same coast line!
I guess I'll just sit in my state and whine.
Maybe someday I could leave the state.
My parole officer says I'm doing great.
Quit my job at McD's and move to Miami,
Perhaps I will take my Grammy.

Chaney, Webmaster/Treasurer of Insanity
NewYorkette@webtv.net

===============

Something Weird
by Larry King & Hitler

So I'm collecting Jon quotes. And I come across this brief transcript of Jon's great Hitler / Larry King piece in his book. I haven't read it in quite some time, and I'm surprised and alarmed to find the following exchange:

ANNIE (caller): First of all, Larry, I just want to say, I love your show.

Larry King: Thank you.

ANNIE: My husband was recently diagnosed with shingles, and your show is the only one that takes away the itching.

KING: Well, wonderful, Annie! Thank you. What's your question for Hitler?

ANNIE: Yes. I want to know what Mr. Hitler thinks of cloning?

--

Weird, eh? Just thought I'd share.

Annie


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