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 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB




November 17, 2001




Here a Jon, There a Jon, by Annie-Wan
Visions of Sugar Plums, by Kelly
Jon Events


Here a Jon, There a Jon, Everywhere a Jon Jon
by Annie-Wan

This newsletter features a fictional tale about meeting Jon written by a shiny new senator. Please read it carefully, then read my previously published fake interview with Jon at:
(E-mail me at if you would like me to send it to you.)

I invite everyone to comment on whether Kelly and I "get" Jon. Note that Kelly and I take totally different approaches (mine satirical, hers serious), but we both try to capture what we believe Jon to be. I am always fascinated at how different people perceive Jon differently. What did you think she got right? What do you think I got right? Did either of us seem to be WAY off? A little off? Totally on target? What do you think Jon is like? How do you think your first meeting with Jon would go? Etc. Send comments to by November 30. I will post all comments in the newsletter (unless you don't want me to), so include at least a first name/nickname and whether you do NOT want your e-mail address published (otherwise it will be posted). If you have your own story about meeting Jon, and it's of good quality and length, it may be featured in a future issue of the newsletter.

I really want to know. Really. Don't be shy.

Annie-Wan, President


Visions of Sugar Plums
by Kelly

[Kelly wants to inform you that she was in particularly mushy mood while writing this, so . . . be warned!]

So I'm sitting at the counter, Katie on my left, Chris in front of me cooking, and all I can think is "Jon Stewart just walked in here and is sitting in my section of the restaurant!"

I take a deep breath, muster up all the courage I have at the moment, pick up my wait book, and go back to get the standard water and silverware to bring to the average customer . . . only, this is Jon Stewart! I can't be positively sure it's him, cause he's got a scruffy, yet so sexy, goatee going on and a baseball cap.

I walk over to his table and amazingly enough I get out a warm "Good mornin'" in that sometimes annoying slightly southern accent that I have. He smiles that beautiful smile up at me and I pray to god that my face isn't beet red and that my knees can hold out just long enough to get his order.

"Hello!" he says, just as warmly. "I love that accent . . . it's so . . . hospitable!"

"Well, I am training to be a nurse . . . " slips out, and immediately I'm asking myself why I said that.

He giggles slightly. I find myself smiling at him, thinking the whole time, "I just made Jon Stewart laugh!" He nods and says to me, with a bow, "Well, then, uh uh, that will come in quite handy then!"

I giggle then, cause now I know beyond any reasonable doubt that this is the very same Jon Stewart that I watch on a daily basis sitting before me. I try to make myself stop and close my eyes, taking one deep breath. As I open my eyes I notice he's giving me a peculiar glance. I look around and lower my voice, "Forgive me, I'm just such a fan."

He frowns. "Of what?"

I roll my eyes. "Of you, you dork."

He laughs again and I'm so glad that I have that speak-before-you-think quality that more often than not comes out as humorous. "Ah, I see . . . well . . . ." he looks slightly embarrassed but smiles anyway. "Thank you?" he says. I smile. He looks around and turns to me conspiratorially. "Why are you whispering?"

I laughed again. "Because, well . . . I kinda figured you're way the hell in Louisiana to be on vacation, not be mobbed by college students."

He looks around. "Yes, well . . . what college students?"

I point back in the general direction of the campus, located about half a mile behind the restaurant. "LSU."

He nods. "All right, thanks . . . ."

"So, what did you want to drink? Coffee? Soda? Juice?"

He frowns. "Hey, I thought we were having a chat and all of a sudden you wanna know what DRINK I want?!"

I smirk. "Well, ya know, I AM a waitress!"

He laughs and looks at the menu. "Uh . . . coffee?"

"You're not sure?" I say, tapping my pen against my pad, feeling more at ease than I would have imagined I'd feel in the company of the greatness that is Jon.

He laughs and says, more affirmatively, "Coffee."

"That's the ticket . . . I'll be back." I say, turning quickly and heading to the coffee machine.

As I'm getting his coffee my friend and co-manager, Chris, shouts from the office where he had retreated. "Kel?!"

"What?!" I shout back, still pouring the coffee into the cup.

"Get your ass in here so I don't have to yell."

"Ey! Screw you! I'm pourin' coffee here!" I yell back, smiling. Our morning bicker battle was one of the many reasons why I'd been working at the café for over two years.

"Like I give a shi . . . "

"HEY! Language people!" One of our regulars shouts, smirking at me. "My virgin ears man!"

I stick my tongue out at the frat boy and he laughs. "The day you make me believe you're a virgin is the day pigs fly out of my . . ."

"Kelly!" Chris yells again. I roll my eyes at my fellow waitress Katie and she giggles at me. Instead of going to the office I pass it up and flip him off, heading back over to Jon's table with the steaming hot coffee.

"Coffee, my friend." I say, not even stopping. "I'll be back!" I go back to the office. "WHAT?!"

Chris smirks at me. "Louis Armstrong or Ella Fitzgerald?"

I stare at him. "You wage a war against me over MUSIC?!" I hear scattered laughter through out the nearly empty place and I swear to god one of them is Jon's adorable giggle.

"Louis or Ella?!"

I start to reply with Ella but am interrupted by that same frat boy. "How 'bout neither, they both suck, dude!" He and his buddies laugh. "What are you, eighty?"

Chris stands up and quickly runs over to the counter, me following him, smiling, knowing what's coming. "What are you, on crack?! Louis Armstrong?! Ella Fitzgerald?! They're classic! You . . . you can't BEAT THAT!"

Once again, laughter fills the restaurant and this time I'm sure I hear Jon's. When I look at him he smiles at me. "What do you say?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Billie Holliday?"

"OOH!" Chris shouts, running back to the office. "I have that!"

"Oh, MAN!" The frat boy says, frowning.

"Pshaw." Chris says, coming back out after he's pressed play on the Billie Holliday CD. "Like it or leave!" He says, waving a threatening finger in his face, his smile belying the gesture.

I shake my head and go into the office to turn up the radio cause our system sucks and you can't hear it unless it's above 40db. I wander back over to Jon and take out my pad. "Made any decisions?"

"I love Billie . . . I love the south." He says, his eyes scanning the menu.

I laugh sardonically. "Really? Then, please, stop making fun of us!"

He makes an apologetic face and shrugs, looking up at me. "I can't help it, it's my job!"

"Uh huh . . ." I say, smirking back.

He clears his throat. "All right . . . um . . . what do you suggest?"

"I suggest the bacon . . . ." I say, my smirk widening.

"I can't eat pork . . . ." he says, looking up at me. Seeing my smirk he starts to laugh. "But you knew that . . ."

"I did know that."

"Cause I'm . . ."

"Cause you're Jewish."

He nods, still laughing. "Funny."

"I try."

"And hey . . . uh uh . . . success!" He bites his lip and I think to myself, "I wonder what it would be like to kiss him . . ." before I can stop myself. "I want . . . what?"

I shake my head. "Huh?"

He points to himself. ‘You were . . . you had a strange look on your . . ."

I know I'm blushing and I shake my head. "No, nothing, it's just . . . well, I've never . . . served a celebrity."

He nods. "Well, you're delightful so far . . . ." He looks back at the menu. "What about . . . what about the Mitchell Omelet?"

I shake my head no. "You can't eat that."

He looks at me strangely. "Why can't I . . ."

I point to the menu, reading from it. "Comes with cheddar cheese, onions, and ham . . ."

"Ah . . ." he says, looking back at the menu. "Damn the Jew thing . . ." he jokes.

"Okay, suggestion time . . . Spanish Omelet is the best omelet, Cheeseburger is good . . ."

"I can get a cheeseburger? It's nine in the morning!" He says incredulously.

"Twenty-four hour restaurant my friend, that's the wonder of it . . ."

He nods. "Too early, but . . . good to uh, have the uh, option."

"BLT Poboy, uh, grilled cheese on a bagel . . ."

"Go back to that . . . Grilled Cheese on a bagel? Interesting."

I nod. "Well, everybody thinks I'm nuts, but . . . well, you should know, it's a New York thing, bagel sandwiches are."

He nods. "I know, but uh . . . that's why I was surprised."

I nodded. "Well, for one, we have a New York Bagel Factory like, just around the corner, plus two, like, my whole family lives in New Jersey."

"Oh, yeah?!" He asks, smiling. "So, you're from . . ."

"No, my mom was . . . when she was young . . . she was from, well, Long Island actually, but they like, migrated to New Jersey eventually."

"Huh so . . . wait, let me . . ." he bites his lip. "Do you have a break or something?"

I look around. "Well, not really, but, this place is empty, so . . . yeah."

He smiles. "Well, listen, I would love it if you could sit down and talk to me while I wait for my food . . . ." I'm shocked at that and I think he can tell cause he laughs. "Seriously, I'm in a . . ." he moves his hands around sporadically. "talky mood."

I laugh. "Well, all right, yeah, I'd uh . . . I'd actually love to."

He nods. "You want something to eat?"

I know I snorted at that cause he barely contained a laugh. "No, I already ate, but thanks . . . that's so sweet of you."

"That's me . . . sweetie-pie Jonny . . ."

I nod. "So, what do you want? I'll go ahead and get your order in . . ."

"I want that, what you said . . . Grilled cheese bagel."

I nodded. "Jack, Cheddar, or Swiss."

He frowns. "Jack?"

I nod. "That's my choice. I keep telling Chris we need to get locks . . ."

"EW!" Chris yells from behind the line.

"Shut up! They're good!" I yell back.

Jon laughs. "Yeah, you uh, definitely have family from Jersey."

I nod. "I'll be right . . . I'll be right back."

I go and I hang up his ticket. "Never, never talk about nasty locks in my restaurant again, missy . . ." Chris says as I do so.

I roll my eyes. "Chris, ya gotta get outta the south, man . . . there's a whole world out there!"

"Hey! I know that! I'm from Mississippi!" He shouts. I start to retort but he shuts me up by pointing a malicious knife in my direction. "Shut up."

I giggle and go over to Katie who's sitting over at the counter reading her Philosophy book. "You see the guy at table seven?" I ask her.

She looks up. "Yeah."

"Jon Stewart."

She looks at me, her eyes widening. "You're kidding me!"

I shake my head. "I kid you not."

She lets out a little squeal. "He's so hot!" She whispers so he won't hear.

I nod. "Even better close up."

She glares at me. "So jealous . . . ."

I smirk. "And? He wants me to come over and sit down with him, talk to him while he waits for his bagel!"

"You're kidding me!"

"I kid you not, my friend!"

She shakes her head. "Man alive . . . so damn jealous!"

I nod. "Seriously though, if it doesn't get busy, could you cover my section so I can milk this?"

She sighs. "I really shouldn't cause it's just NOT FAIR, but . . . yeah . . . all right."

I kiss her on the cheek and try not to do a little dance just in case he looks over at me. "You're the best Katie!"

So, I grab a coke for myself and go over to his table, where he's reading the front page of the paper. Fourth Case of Anthrax Detected . . . government warns of more . . . I frown and sit down, my good mood slightly dashed by the harsh blast of reality. "Jesus, put that away . . . ."

He looks up. "Oh, I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "I'm kidding, if you wanna read . . ."

"No, seriously, had enough of this crap to last the rest of my life, and what's scary . . . "

"It's only just beginning." I say, shaking my head.


I lean forward. "Can I get mushy for a second here?"

He gives me a peculiar look. "Are you gonna like . . . try to, uh, molest me or something?"

I laugh. "No, man . . . " I take a deep breath and try to form some simple way of summing up my feelings. "Look when . . . when it happened, I was in class . . . " I look at him to see if I need to clarify that "it" but obviously, as in most cases these days, "it" was painfully clear enough. "My teacher came in and just blurted it out, but . . . I mean, that's the only way she coulda done . . . there's really . . . no easy way to . . . ." I took a deep breath again. "Well, anyway, one of the girls freaks out and says ‘My dad works in tower one,' and runs out of the class . . ."

"God . . ." he says.

"Yeah, really . . . so that's when it hits me . . . hey, I've got family there . . . I've got two cousins that specifically work there, a cop and a fireman . . ."

"Oh, for Gods sake . . ."

"Fine by the way, they happened to not be there at the time . . ."

He nods, visibly breathing a sigh of relief, and I'm truly touched by his honest to God just caring. "Thank God."

I laugh. "You're telling me . . . so, I ditched school and came home and started what turned out to be oh . . . roughly about a six day marathon of news news news . . . ."

"Yeah, I know what you mean, I don't think I slept one second that whole week."

"And there's only so much of that you can take, ya know? I was so grateful to tune out for an hour . . . when I could let myself . . . and switch it off to The Daily Show at 10, even if it was repeats."

He smiles. "You don't have to flatter . . ."

"No, dude, I'm dead serious . . . granted, I didn't crack up like I usually do, but . . . I mean, if I didn't have some sort of . . . normalcy . . . to like, ground me . . . I literally would have imploded."

"Well, I'm glad our show could . . ."

I hold up my hand. "I'm not even done, Jon . . . ." He smiled and nodded for me to go on. "So, I tuned in every night, and actually, I was worried that maybe some of you weren't okay, cause, well, you work right there, so . . . but then finally, the 20th you came back and . . . ." I have to stop myself from getting emotional and to my amazement he reaches out and takes my hands . . . he's not doing it to seem sweet, it was just a natural reaction, that much I can tell just by looking at him. "You're speech man . . . honest to god . . . was the best thing I've ever heard."

"Oh come . . ."

"No, I'm serious. You addressed it, head on, and you . . . you weren't afraid to . . ."

"Cry like a baby?" he said, with a self-deprecating tone.

"Damn straight, and you . . . being a guy, I realize that's the uncool thing to do . . . but . . . Jon, you're . . . you're human, and you had a human reaction . . . and it was just . . . the best . . . the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

He smiled and blinked. "Well, I . . . I thank you . . ."

"I don't think you realize how many people you've helped, Jon . . . the . . . the majority of your audience, I assume, is people my age . . . people of the Gen-X age . . . and well, you just . . . you seem to get that. You addressed it the most real, and assuring way possible . . . and, what light there was, you exposed, you know? The . . . the firemen, and the unity, and the . . . the Statue of Liberty . . . ."

He nodded, and I saw a tear actually fall down his face before he laughed embarrassed and wiped it away. "Well, I thank you . . . uh . . . Kelly?"

I nodded, laughing, wiping at my own eyes. "Yeah."

He nodded. "And . . . all your family is all right?"

I nodded. "Every single one of them."

He nodded. "Good."

"How about you?"

"Me? Oh, yeah, I, personally, didn't . . . lose anyone . . . but . . . I knew people who . . . but yeah, all my family and friends are all right . . . well, as all right as they can be."

I nodded. "Hey, I've got a question. Have you spoken to Denis Leary since this happened?"

He nodded. "I have."

I smiled. "And, how is he? I mean, I know he's very . . . emotional about firemen, what with the Denis Leary Firefighter's Fund."

Jon nods and smiles. "You're very knowledgeable . . . yeah, he's fine . . . he's of course, devastated, but . . . he's set up a side fund for New York and . . . he's doing all right."

"Is it . . . hard to get up every morning and . . ."

He nods. "Yeah, every morning I try to not look but . . . but I look and I don't see them . . . and the thing is, at first it's like this . . . just this sense that something's not right, and then it hits me. Oh Yeah. Cause they were . . . just such a permanent . . ."


"Yeah, and . . . but then, I look harder and in the distance I see that.. I see the Statue of Liberty and . . . I know, it's so corny but . . ."

"It's so definitely NOT corny." I say seriously.

He smiles. "I really draw strength from that . . . I really do."

I nod. "I've wanted to go to New York ever since it happened cause, I mean, Louisiana is just so . . . far away . . . and, it really . . . it still feels like a movie . . . and I feel like . . . God, I just wanna do SOMETHING . . . you know?"

He nodded. "I guess . . . really . . . all we can do is . . . pray . . . let the government do their job, you know?"

"Jon Stewart, showing support for George Bush." I say, laughing.

He laughs. "Well, I don't know if it's support for Bush per se, but Chaney's good, Powell's good." He sighs. "I don't know. I never supported Bush, but even I have to admit he's . . . he's done a wonderful job for the people ever since this happened . . . ."

"Yeah, well . . . I always did, but yeah, you're right, he has done a wonderful . . ."

Katie came over then and brought his grilled cheese. He smiled at her and she giggled. "I love you," she said, turning quickly and running away.

We both laughed. I take the last swig of my coke and jiggle the ice around. "Well, Jon, it was very nice to . . ."


"I was just gonna . . ."

"Don't close . . . stay!" He said, smiling enticingly at me.

I laughed. "I've actually gotta get back on the floor, or Katie's gonna kill me . . . ."

"Oh, well, yeah, if ya have to get back to work," he said, actually sounding disappointed.

"I just wanted to . . . express my thanks again . . . that and, I just think you're such a great guy, and you're freaking hilarious . . . and adorable."

He looks at me, smiling warmly. "Thank you. And I can actually say the same thing to you, even though I've only known you for five minutes."

I laugh. "all right well . . ."

"Hey . . . when do you get off here?" He asked.

I looked at he clock. "Like, two or so." I looked at him, trying not to hope.

"Well, listen, Tracy is still asleep right now, but . . . how about I take you out to dinner with us tonight. You can show us the town . . . "

"Tracy's your . . . wife right?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yeah."

I shrug. "Uh, yeah, I'd love to if you're sure."

He nodded. "I'm positive, I'd love for you to join us."

I wrote my number down on a ticket stub and handed it to him. "Here, you know, if you want to, call me here, or if you wanna back out . . . well, I'd still prefer a call . . . but . . ."

He smiled. "I'm not gonna back out," he assured me, putting my number in his wallet and putting it in his pocket.

I smile. "Okay, then . . . great."

He pointed to Katie. "And maybe your buddy could join us if you want."

I smile even wider. "She would LOVE that!"

"Wake up baby."

I looked at him oddly. "What?"

He smiled at me. "What?"

"Wake up, Kel,"

I laughed. "Did you just . . ."

"It's time to get up, honey, seriously, you have thirty minutes."

I sit up in bed and look at my best friend, Amy. "DAMMIT!" I yell.

A dream . . . it was all a damn dream! It got my hopes up and everything!


But what a great dream, huh?

Kelly, Senator of Jon's Quick-Witted Cynicism


Jon Events

All times EASTERN. Not liable for emotional distress resulting from incorrect listings.

<> TDS has won the Emmy for Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Program! Woo hoo!

<> Nov 21, Wed, 8 pm, HBO Plus -- Larry Sanders: The Roast.

<> Nov 21, Wed, 11 pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show Correspondent Special.

<> Nov 23, Fri, 8 pm, Fox -- Big Daddy.

<> Nov 23, Fri, 8 pm, Fox -- Half Baked.

<> Nov 24, Sat, 2 am, Comedy Central -- Half Baked.

<> Nov 28, Wed, 8 pm, HBO Plus -- Larry Sanders: Another List.

<> Nov 30, Fri, 9 pm -- Jon is performing at Foxwoods Resorts Casino in Mashantucket, CT. Tickets are $27.50 and $38.50. Call 1-800-200-2882 or 860-312-3352 to order. Go to for more information. Thanks to Seporah.

<> Jan 25, Fri, 8 pm -- Jon will be performing at the F.M. Kirby Center in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Call Ticketmaster at 570-693-4100. Tickets are $49.50 for Gold Circle (first 10 rows), $39.50, & $29.50.

<> Mon to Thurs, 10 am, 7 pm, 11 pm, 1:30 am (same night) &
<> Fri at 10 am & 7pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
<> See the Late Night TV Page for guests at

<> Movies currently airing on premium cable:
<> Barenaked in America - STARZ channels.
<> Big Daddy -- Cinemax channels.
<> Committed -- FLIX & STARZ channels.
<> Office Party -- Cinemax & HBO channels.
<> Playing By Heart -- STARZ channels.
<> Wishful Thinking -- Showtime channels.

All news contributed by Annie of the SSS unless otherwise noted.
Stewart Supremacist Site:
Join the SSS list for immediate updates and last-minute events.

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