JSEB NEWSLETTER
February 03, 2001

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Contents:

Senators, Pics, & Drought -- Oh My!, by Annie-Wan
Writer's Block, by Nikki
Jon Haikus, by Kathy
Holly Beth's First Time, by Holly Beth
Jon Events

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Senators, Pics, & Drought -- Oh My!
by Annie-Wan

I am pleased to announce that Nikki, our venerable Secretary of Whoop Ass, has just added over 1,200 new Jon pictures to the JSEB web site at http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/pics/indexx.htm. That's right, you heard me. 1,200. ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED NEW JON PICTURES. The JSEB. We do more before 7 am than you do all day, including the army. Take that U.S. Army! All you do is protect our liberty and freedom! The JSEB, on the other hand, has ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED NEW JON PICTURES! Loooooooooooosers! (Annie-Wan does "L" signal on her forehead towards the nearest army base while hooting at the top of her lungs. Stops when she notices incoming SCUD missile.) Anyhoo . . . you can get more information on the pictures by passing your mouse pointer over the thumbnails. Thanks Nikki! Any many, many, many thanks to the U.S. Army, the finest fighting force in the world. (SCUD missile reverses course, returns to base.)

I am also pleased to announce the arrival of some fresh faces -- two new senators to the JSEB. Their submissions are included in this newsletter. Two more senators (just as fresh, if not fresher) will be announced in the next newsletter. These honorable senators will serve six month terms, after which their terms will be renewed upon further submissions and a grape-peeling contest. (SOMEone has to peel my grapes.) If you are still interested in becoming a senator, submit whatever you'd like to anniejs@earthlink.net. In the meantime, please welcome these new members of the JSEB Senate and enjoy their articles.

Now for some bad news. Jon ain't on the teevee quite as much as he used to be. We are in a bona fide drought with no end in sight. But that's okay. Because we have ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED NEW JON PICTURES! Take that U.S. Marine Corp!

Annie-Wan, President
anniejs@earthlink.net

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Writer's Block
by Nikki

Howdy folks. I have a confession to make: I'm suffering from major writer's block right now. I can't think of anything to write. It's pathetic. I asked my mom for ideas; she suggested I write an article about Jon's eyes. I thought, hey, that's cool. So I tried to go with it.

Here's what came out:
Jon Stewart has pretty eyes. They're all nice and stuff. Sometimes they look blue, but I've been told they really aren't. They're hazel. But who really knows anyway? Has anyone seen his driver's license? Oh wait, they showed it on TV once. We have. I forgot what it said, though. Damn.

Not a very good article. So, I tried again, this time with eyebrows:
Jon Stewart has nice eyebrows. They're very . . . even.

I tried again with hair:
Jon Stewart has great hair.

Quite obviously, there's much more I could say about him; I just can't think of it. I'm not really one to admire a person's features too much. I'm not sure if that means I'm uncreative, uncaring, or stupid. Anyhoodily hoo, when I realized that, I also realized what a stupid idea this eye article was. Then I thought, hey, I should write a funny article! An article so funny, no one will care what it's about!

This is how far I got on that:
Hey everyone, here're a couple of dillies!

Dilly dilly!

I'm an idiot. I decided then that I should write a song about Jon. Here's how that went:

(To the tune of James K. Polk by They Might Be Giants)

In 1993, TV programs were hard to cull
We can't remember the names of the shows, 'cause they were so dull
But with old TV Guides, you can see the shows really were awful lame
In fact, too lame to name
'Cause they were so bad it'd be inappropriate
Alas from New York came a show worth a watch
Called The Jon Stewart Show, a clear improvement from Ed Koch

A hilarious Sagittarius, Jon made us all crack up
Canceling his show was Paramount's biggest screwup
But we can't really hold a grudge
For they could bring us to a judge
And sue for all our powers
And their lawyers are better than ours
So let's act like nothing ever was mentioned
Anyway we all were sad 'til '98
When Craig Kilborn left The Daily Show for a show called Late Late

Comedy Central rushed to find a replacement host
Craig couldn't do both when he was on the west coast
Jon needed a job
And didn't work for the mob
So CC checked him out
Saw what he was all about
Then decided he was good enough to use
On January 11, he took over as anchor of
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, weeknights at 11
The greatest show in the world, only on Comedy Central.

Well, it isn't *that* bad. By the time I was done, the deadline for my article had already passed. And I still haven't come up with anything! I'm sorry. If any of you want to write anything for me and send it to me so I can say I wrote it, go ahead. Or you could just submit it normally and be *credited*. Whatever.

Nikki, Secretary of Whoop Ass
NikkiTDS@aol.com

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Horrid Haikus On a Most Excellent Subject

Why must Jon Stewart
Be less than the perfect man
Through his chain smoking?

Otherwise he would,
In my humble opinion,
Be above all men.

I will forgive Jon
Because he delights so many
Through his perfect wit.

Not to mention the
Face that would launch a thousand
Ships in my Navy.

[Editor's note: Jon quit smoking recently, so I think we can safely assume that the author's navy may have increased by another thousand ships. Take that U.S. Navy!]

Kathy, Senator of Those Silver Gray Ties That Jon Wears So Well On The Daily Show (TSGTTJWSWOTDS)
merkmal@yahoo.com

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Holly Beth's First Time

Well I guess I fell in love with Jon when I watched his old MTV show. I thought he was adorable (along with that dude with the long bond hair who was a VJ -- does anybody remember that Curry dude?). I didn't become really obsessed I until Jon began hosting The Daily Show. My husband used to force me to watch it during the Kosovo coverage, so it was his fault! So, I started talking to this dude online from New York City online and after a couple of month I went to meet the guy and he took me to a taping of TDS. The guy was a disaster, but the taping was great. Jon turned out to be a really nice guy and he was so funny. I also got to meet Steve Carell and Vance DeGeneres. If you ever get a chance to go to a taping, GO! It's a little weird, but it's really cool! And Jon won't disappoint you since he always offers to hump you at the end of the taping if you're good. [Editor's note: This is a far better incentive than Letterman's old gift of Late Show sponges.]

Holly Beth, Senator of Pudding
Holly@Jon-Stewart.com

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Jon Events

All times Eastern. Not liable for emotional distress resulting from incorrect listings.

• Feb 8, 1:30 am, &
• Feb 11, 3 pm,
• Feb 17, Sat, 11 pm, MTV -- MTV 20 Most Outrageous Moments. Jon appears at least three times in Moment 9, 3, & 1 (possibly more). 2 hours. Thanks to Jackie, Chaney, and Melissa.

• Mon to Thurs, 10 am, 7 pm, 11 pm, 1:30 am (same night) &
• Fri at 10 am & 7 pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Movies currently airing on television (check local listings for times):
• Big Daddy -- Cinemax and HBO channels.
  (Making of Big Daddy is also airing on HBO channels.)
• The Faculty -- Showtime channels and The Movie Channels.
• Mixed Nuts -- FLIX channels.
• Playing By Heart -- STARZ and ENCORE channels.
• Wishful Thinking -- The Movie Channel, Showtime channels.

All news contributed by Annie of the SSS unless otherwise noted.
Stewart Supremacist Site: http://home.earthlink.net/~jonstewart/
Join the SSS list for immediate updates and last-minute events.