February 03, 2001
Senators, Pics, & Drought -- Oh
My!, by Annie-Wan
Writer's Block, by Nikki
Jon Haikus, by Kathy
Beth's First Time, by Holly Beth
Senators, Pics, & Drought -- Oh
I am pleased
to announce that Nikki, our venerable Secretary of Whoop Ass, has just added
over 1,200 new Jon pictures to the JSEB web site at http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/pics/indexx.htm.
That's right, you heard me. 1,200. ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED NEW JON PICTURES.
JSEB. We do more before 7 am than you do all day, including the army. Take that
U.S. Army! All you do is protect our liberty and freedom! The JSEB, on the other
hand, has ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED NEW JON PICTURES! Loooooooooooosers! (Annie-Wan
does "L" signal on her forehead towards the nearest army base while
hooting at the top of her lungs. Stops when she notices incoming SCUD missile.)
Anyhoo . . . you can get more information on the pictures by passing your mouse
pointer over the thumbnails. Thanks Nikki! Any many, many, many thanks to the
U.S. Army, the finest fighting force in the world. (SCUD missile reverses course,
returns to base.)
I am also
pleased to announce the arrival of some fresh faces -- two new senators to the
JSEB. Their submissions are included in this newsletter. Two more senators (just
as fresh, if not fresher) will be announced in the next newsletter. These honorable
senators will serve six month terms, after which their terms will be renewed
upon further submissions and a grape-peeling contest. (SOMEone has to peel my
grapes.) If you are still interested in becoming a senator, submit whatever
you'd like to firstname.lastname@example.org. In the meantime, please welcome these new
members of the JSEB Senate and enjoy their articles.
some bad news. Jon ain't on the teevee quite as much as he used to be. We are
in a bona fide drought with no end in sight. But that's okay. Because we have
ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED NEW JON PICTURES! Take that U.S. Marine Corp!
I have a confession to make: I'm suffering from major writer's block right now.
I can't think of anything to write. It's
pathetic. I asked my mom for ideas; she suggested I write an article about Jon's
eyes. I thought, hey, that's cool. So I tried to go with it.
Stewart has pretty eyes. They're all nice and stuff. Sometimes they look blue,
but I've been told they really aren't. They're hazel. But who really knows anyway?
Has anyone seen his driver's license? Oh wait, they showed it on TV once. We
have. I forgot what it said, though. Damn.
Not a very good article. So, I tried again, this time with eyebrows:
Stewart has nice eyebrows. They're very . . . even.
I tried again with hair:
Stewart has great hair.
Quite obviously, there's much more I could say about him; I just can't think
of it. I'm not really one to admire a person's features too much. I'm not sure
if that means I'm uncreative, uncaring, or stupid. Anyhoodily hoo, when I realized
that, I also realized what a stupid idea this eye article was. Then I thought,
hey, I should write a funny article! An article so funny, no one will care what
how far I got on that:
here're a couple of dillies!
I'm an idiot. I decided then that I should write a song about Jon. Here's how
tune of James K. Polk by They Might Be Giants)
TV programs were hard to cull
We can't remember the names of the shows, 'cause they were so dull
But with old TV Guides, you can see the shows really were awful lame
In fact, too lame to name
'Cause they were so bad it'd be inappropriate
Alas from New York came a show worth a watch
Called The Jon Stewart Show, a clear improvement from Ed Koch
Sagittarius, Jon made us all crack up
Canceling his show was Paramount's biggest screwup
But we can't really hold a grudge
For they could bring us to a judge
And sue for all our powers
And their lawyers are better than ours
So let's act like nothing ever was mentioned
Anyway we all were sad 'til '98
When Craig Kilborn left The Daily Show for a show called Late Late
Central rushed to find a replacement host
Craig couldn't do both when he was on the west coast
Jon needed a job
And didn't work for the mob
So CC checked him out
Saw what he was all about
Then decided he was good enough to use
On January 11, he took over as anchor of
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, weeknights at 11
The greatest show in the world, only on Comedy Central.
isn't *that* bad. By the time I was done, the deadline for my article had already
passed. And I still haven't come up with anything! I'm sorry. If any of you
want to write anything for me and send it to me so I can say I wrote it,
go ahead. Or you could just submit it normally and be *credited*. Whatever.
of Whoop Ass
On a Most Excellent Subject
Be less than the perfect man
Through his chain smoking?
In my humble opinion,
Be above all men.
Because he delights so many
Through his perfect wit.
Face that would launch a thousand
Ships in my Navy.
note: Jon quit smoking recently, so I think we can safely assume that the author's
navy may have increased by another thousand ships. Take that U.S. Navy!]
of Those Silver Gray Ties That Jon Wears So Well
On The Daily Show (TSGTTJWSWOTDS)
Well I guess
I fell in love with Jon when I watched his old MTV show. I thought he was adorable
(along with that dude with the long bond hair who was a VJ -- does anybody remember
that Curry dude?). I didn't become really obsessed I until Jon began hosting
The Daily Show. My husband used to force me to watch it during the Kosovo coverage,
so it was his fault! So, I started talking to this dude online from New York
City online and after a couple of month I went to meet the guy and he took me
to a taping of TDS. The guy was a disaster, but the taping was great. Jon turned
out to be a really nice guy and he was so funny. I also got to meet Steve Carell
and Vance DeGeneres. If you ever get a chance to go to a taping, GO! It's a
little weird, but it's really cool! And Jon won't disappoint you since he always
offers to hump you at the end of the taping if you're good. [Editor's note:
This is a far better incentive than Letterman's old gift of Late Show sponges.]
Senator of Pudding
All times Eastern.
Not liable for emotional
distress resulting from incorrect listings.
• Feb 8, 1:30 am, &
• Feb 11, 3 pm,
• Feb 17, Sat, 11 pm, MTV -- MTV 20 Most Outrageous Moments. Jon appears at
least three times in Moment 9, 3, & 1 (possibly more). 2 hours. Thanks to
Jackie, Chaney, and Melissa.
Mon to Thurs, 10 am, 7 pm, 11 pm, 1:30 am (same night) &
Fri at 10 am & 7 pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
currently airing on television (check local listings for times):
Big Daddy -- Cinemax and HBO channels.
(Making of Big Daddy is also airing on HBO channels.)
The Faculty -- Showtime channels and The Movie Channels.
Mixed Nuts -- FLIX channels.
Playing By Heart -- STARZ and ENCORE channels.
Wishful Thinking -- The Movie Channel, Showtime channels.
news contributed by Annie of the SSS unless otherwise noted.
Stewart Supremacist Site: http://home.earthlink.net/~jonstewart/
Join the SSS list for immediate updates and last-minute events.