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 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB

 


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JSEB NEWSLETTER
December 29, 2001

 

===============

Contents:

Dream -- Dream Dream Dream, by Annie-Wan
The Power of a Kiss, by Melly
Jon Events

===============

Dream -- Dream Dream Dream
by Annie-Wan

I hope everyone had a lovely Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, etc. I wish you a happy new year as well. Is it just me, or does no one actually know the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne? I sure as heck don't.

Well, it's been a while since I asked for people to submit weird dreams about Jon, and I got only three responses. What kind of estrogen brigade is this? Let's get our hormone levels up, people! Sin is in! Or something like that. Well, here are the three I got. I have reprinted the previous two dreams for comparison. Note that these dreams are completely nonromantic. How ironic.

Brigid: I once dreamt that I was a writer for The Daily Show and Jon was at his desk looking over something I had written. He said "I love this!" and I looked directly at him and replied "And I love you." He looked at me like I was absolutely insane. It was pretty depressing to find that Jon doesn't return my affections in my own dream.

Kate: [Raises hand in seat] Oh oh oh! I've got a dream! I've got a great dream chock full of chewy weirdness. Okay, so last night -- last night (November 27) I dreamed that I was on some kind of twisted trivia game show and the question I got was, "How old is Jon Stewart?" Of course I shouted out, "38!" And then, and this is where it gets wiggy, I realized, that no, he turns 39 today -- even though in real life I have no idea when his birthday is. I know, bad Kate, bad Kate. Anyway, so I turn on my computer and open up your lovely e-mail, and what does it proclaim but that it is indeed Jon's birthday today! Yep -- just another example of my amazing prescience. Are you amazed? Are you? Okay, I'll let you get back to your life now.

Elise: I once dreamed Jon and I were having sex, and he stopped midway through and asked me to put on some deodorant. It took me a while to forgive him for that one, even though it *was* only a dream.

Annie-Wan: I once dreamed that *I* was Jon Stewart, and I was waxing my chest. (Ouch.) I think I dreamed this shortly after I read that he shaves his neck. Sexy!

Shalini: [Editor's note: Okay, this isn't technically a dream, but it has a dreamlike quality.] SmarterChild is an artificial intelligence screenname on AOL instant messenger. I started messing with it and came up with quite the bizarrely coincidental exchange:
> S: do you speak german?
> SmarterChild: Yeah, I know a little German. Wie geht's? Was ist los? Lederhosen!
> S: ha.
> SmarterChild: What's so funny? :-)
> S: you are.
> SmarterChild: Oh yeah? Like a Seinfeld kind of funny, or Jon Stewart, or what?
> S: ...jon stewart?! you know Jon stewart?
> SmarterChild: I've heard of him.
> S: do you like him?
> SmarterChild: I haven't really come to a conclusion on the matter.
> S: well, i think he's fabulous.
> SmarterChild: OK. I'll make a note of it.
> S: you should think he's fabulous too.
> SmarterChild: I guess you're a big fan of his!
> S: he's pretty great, i assure you.
> SmarterChild: I'll take your word for it.
What the hell? How did the A.I. know to throw in my favorite topic? And why is it so condescending?

Well, enjoy a semi-romantic submission by a sparkling new senator and have a great remainder of 2001.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never ruh to den! Should auld acquaintance be forgot and oh auld lang syne! Yah dee duh do the mo, my dear, yah dee huh do THE MO! Should auld acquaintance be forgot and auld lang syne!

Annie-Wan, President
annieJS@earthlink.net

===============

The Power of a Kiss
by Melly

The moment eternal -- just that and no more --
When ecstasy's utmost we clutch at the core
While cheeks burn, arms open, eyes shut, and lips meet!
-- Robert Browning (1812-1889)

They say that there is nothing more intimate, more passionate that two people can share than a kiss. Kissing is good for your mind, your body, and your soul. A kiss can lift the spirits, ease the pain, and energize. Most importantly, it connects two people at their most vulnerable and passionate level for an instant in time.

I remember a kiss I received once. It wasn't a kiss of love, not even of passion, but one of magic. It was a kiss out of a fairy tale -- glorious, wondrous and fleeting. I was a young girl, still innocent, still unburdened by all the responsibilities of life. And I had the biggest crush on a man by the name of Jon Stewart.

It was the summer of 2002, "The Summer of the Intern," as they called it. That hot, unusually dry summer when not one, not two, but three key political figures confessed to having affairs with their office interns. The evidence and confessions all coming to light within weeks of each other turned the nation upside down. It was chaos in Congress, a field day for the press and bounty like no other for comedians and satirists.

I myself was an intern that summer. I worked at The Daily Show, a fake news show that combined satire with the variety of a nightly guest. I mostly ran errands, served as a correspondent stand -- in during rehearsals, and once a week they'd let me sit in on a writers meeting.

It was in one of these meetings that it all began.

"Interns: everyone's got one," Joe said, spreading his hands out in the air as he talked. "We can write it like it's the hottest new trend."

Laughter filled the smoky room. Gathered around a long table, they all sat -- eating, smoking, writing furiously. The shades on the windows were closed, but the hot New York sun filtered in between the slits, making little golden stripes on the floor. I was seated in a chair near the corner, where the cool breeze of the window fan blew gently across my neck. It was my job during these meetings to record everyone's ideas for jokes to use on the show.

Dave spoke up next, "Yeah, yeah, we can even get a couple shots of young kids asking their parents for an intern for Christmas."

"People fighting over them in stores!" Gary added.

"We can get CEO's talking about how they've had to increase intern production!" Seth said.

I tried to scribble all the ideas down as their escalating voices competed with the whirring of the window fan. CEO's, children, Christmas…hmmm, I hope they could read my handwriting.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," it was Jon Stewart, the host of the show, and the man of my dreams. Even though I was 20 years old, I was young enough to still be prone to those obsessive crushes like you get in High School. The kind where you idolize the recipient of your youthful lust, ranking them right up there with such important people as George Washington, Thomas Edison, or Carson Daly.

"Christmas is like six months away or something," Jon said, taking a bite of pizza.

"I know, but this will have all blown over by Christmas," Dave argued, leaning back and putting his feet up on the huge oak table.

Jon thought for a minute and then swallowed, "How about this, we go with the interns are the hottest new trend thing, but expand it to ourselves. Not even we're immune to the intern plague."

"Oooh, intern plague, are you getting this Eve?" asked Joe.

"I sure am," I said, scribbling on my steno pad.

"OK, I know where you're going with this," Seth said. "How about we do something like, pair each of the correspondents up with an intern, have a hidden camera or something like that."

"One of them can do a segment on 'How not to sleep with your intern'" Dave suggested.

"Yeah!" Jon said, leaning forward lightly banging the top of the table, "And they can be uh…walking around the office and wherever they go they uh…you know, see interns making out with people!" He finished with a slight flourish of his hand.

"Yes!" Joe exclaimed, swiveling around in his chair in excitement. "Each of the correspondents can have one…even Nancy and Lauren."

"Jon!" Gary shouted, "You! You have to have one too!"

Jon's mouth was full of pizza, but he choked it back as he laughed.

"Yeah, at the very end of the segment," Dave said, "We can be looking for you to do the show, and it can be from the camera's point of view, and we can open the door to your dressing room and…"

"And you'll be making out with an intern on the couch!" Joe said.

"I don't know guys, you know how I feel about love scenes," Jon joked, "I don't think it's in my contract."

"The audience won't be expecting it," Gary said.

"Yeah, you know, cause you're the host, you're making fun of everyone who has…you know, an intern lover and you then surprise, you have one too!" Dave said, wildly gesticulating with a piece of limp pizza.

Jon chewed and thought, "I'm seein' it…I'm seein' it…" he said, nodding, "It could work…"

"Gary, how long till rehearsal?" Seth asked.

"A couple hours," Gary replied, "We'll have to work fast on this."

"I have an idea," Joe said, "let's use our real interns. We've got like ten, don't we?"

The room fell silent. I looked up to see everyone staring at me.

"I wrote it down, I swear I did," I said, smiling.

Jon laughed, "Eve, how many interns do we have, you know all of them don't you?"

"Um…let's see. There are five guys and five girls. Not including me," I said.

"That's enough," Dave said, looking at Jon. "We've got plenty!"

Jon gave him an odd look, "Yeah, and if they refuse we'll just shock them into submission like we always do!"

"You know what I mean," Dave said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. Then he looked over at me thoughtfully.

"Say Eve," Dave said, "how would you like to participate in this?"

I looked up once again to find everyone staring at me. Talk about being put on the spot.

"Erm…" I said, "Sure, it would be fun."

"Great!" he said. "Will you do us a favor and go round up the others?"

"Sure," I said, tossing my notebook on the table, "Good luck reading my writing this week!"

I heard the sounds of good -- natured groans as I closed the door behind me.

* * * * * * * *

Standing in Jon's dressing room, watching the crew set up the huge lights around the couch, I thought I was going to puke. Not because I wasn't looking forward to kissing Jon but because I was incredibly nervous. More than nervous, I was…PETRIFIED!

Yes, that's right. I had been picked to be Jon's "intern." After "rounding up" the other interns, we met with another writer who talked to us about the goal of the piece and what our roles would be. She told us it was all in good fun and asked us if we still wanted to do it. Most of us wanted to. Then, just by looking at us, she told us whose intern we were going to be. She paired me up with Jon because I'm petite and Jon's a short guy. And then we went off to our assigned locations to shoot. At first I kind of felt like a piece of meat, until the writer started cracking jokes about the whole thing being a slave auction. At least she saw the insanity in it all as well.

And now, watching them set up the shoot, I felt more and more vulnerable. After all, Jon was my celebrity obsession. As much as I tried to cover it up, I was just another rabid fan -- a very rabid Jon Stewart fan. Long, long before I came to work at The Daily Show I had cheered myself up at night by looking at pictures of him on the Internet, or reading articles about him. I watched The Daily Show twice every night, just to see Jon. I tried out for Fanatic on MTV. I, Eve, was nothing more than a drooling, mindless fan posing as an intern. And I feared that the jig just might be up.

Jon entered the room, followed by one of the producers and the camera guy, Matt. He had changed into a suit, minus the jacket. His sleeves were rolled up and his tie and collar undone to give him a "been rolling around with the intern look" as he put it. I smiled shyly at him. I'd had a cigarette with him in his office earlier and he assured me that the shoot would be "quick and painless."

"All right!" Madeline, the producer said. "Let's get started, we don't have long before the show. Now Eve, you're going to be on Jon's lap. The shot is going to be from the camera's point of view, we'll wait outside the door, with me calling for Jon. Then we'll come in and the camera will pan up to see you two on the couch. Jon will say his line and we'll cut there. You ready? Let's get in position."

That was my cue to climb into Jon Stewart's lap. Me, Eve, was supposed to just go and get in his lap like it was a chair or something. I could never be an actress.

"It's OK, come on," Jon said, holding his arms out from his place on the couch. "Come to papa."

Crossing the room, I put one hand on Jon's shoulder and carefully got in his lap. How many times had I watched The Daily Show and wondered what it would be like to just crawl across that desk and into that lap? Well now I knew, kind of.

Settling myself in, I felt Jon put an arm around my waist and rest his other one across my legs.

"Wow!" Jon said. "Madeline, we've got to do more shots involving cute college girls. I could really get used to this."

Madeline and I laughed, "OK," Madeline said, eying us, "that looks good, now I'll be outside, remember to look up at the camera at your cue when we come in. I'll leave the door open a crack so we'll know when to start."

And with that she was out the door, leaving me with the task of kissing Mr. Jon Stewart. I would have pinched myself, but Jon would definitely have noticed. I was very glad that no one else would be in the room, I had been having these visions of 20 people standing around watching me do an on -- screen kiss for the very first time. Later, I found out that Jon had asked that no one be there, in order to make me more comfortable.

"Wow," Jon said raising his eyebrows and smiling, "This is an incredibly awkward situation."

I could do nothing but laugh. I was savoring the feeling of being so near him, smelling his toothpaste and aftershave -- the hint of cigarette smoke that clung to him.

"Seriously, though," Jon said, lowering his voice and shifting his weight a little, but holding on to me so I didn't fall off his lap, "I know you've never done…something like this before, so if you get weirded out, just…uh…I don't know, slap me or something."

I giggled nervously, "OK," I said.

"All right…are you ready?" he asked, smiling and drawing me closer.

I nodded, "I have to confess, I brushed but I had a cup of coffee a few minutes ago."

"Well, I love coffee," Jon said, his eyes sparkling at me. "I need some caffeine anyway."

I laughed again, the implications of his last comment making me even more nervous. He was beginning to turn his head THAT way, you know the way you turn your head before you kiss someone. And the thought of him kissing me, although it was a very good thought, was just making me incredibly nervous.

I lowered my head a little, aiming for his lips. I had stared at those lips many, many times before in pictures and on TV. And many, many times had I dreamed about kissing them, and here I was, only inches away from actually doing it. The whole realization of what I was about to do dawned on me and all at once and I came out of my giddy, subconscious state, and I froze.

"I'm sorry," I said, pulling away suddenly, just millimeters from his mouth. "I'm just a bit nervous." Lowering my head, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I felt Jon's warm blue eyes on me, "It's OK, sweetie," he said, tenderly placing a hand on my cheek and turning my face to his. "I'm nervous too. I haven't done this a whole bunch of times. It's hard to find women who are willingly to kiss me."

I laughed softly and couldn't help but wonder if Jon knew of the legions of women out there would give anything to be in my spot right now.

"Just try and relax," he said, gently guiding my head to his. "I will be the overly tense one here."

My smile faded just in time, as my lips connected with Jon's. My first thought was, "Oh my God, I am kissing Jon Stewart. My lips are touching Jon Stewart's." But then I decided not to waste the moment by overanalyzing and to just enjoy it.

My senses heightened, I felt his lips move across mine. He was very gentle with me, kissing me very slowly and softly. But as I began to relax into his arms as I felt them tighten around me, it was just a natural response from both of us when our mouths opened and our tongues slid together.

Naturally, my first thought once again was, "Oh my God, Jon Stewart's tongue is in my mouth." In fact, as Jon Stewart's tongue gently flicked at the tip of mine, I kept thinking, "Jon Stewart, Jon Stewart, Jon Stewart." Every time his lips landed on a new part of my mouth, every time I felt his hand moving up and down my back, every time his tongue lightly and oh-so-sweetly grazed the roof of my mouth, all I could think was, "Jon Stewart, Jon Stewart, Jon Stewart. I am kissing Jon Stewart." So much for that not overanalyzing thing.

It was just -- for that one moment -- that one brief moment in my life when I was kissing this man who I had been obsessed with for so long, I felt that a little piece of him would now and forever belong to me. And I was awed at the fact that for one short moment in all of Jon's life, all of his energy, all of his thoughts, all of his movements, were focused on me and only me.

Never in my life had I thought that something like this could happen. My obsession, my crush -- that guy on TV who I really liked, was here kissing me. It was magic, pure magic to me. And right then and there I decided that Jon Stewart was the best kisser in the world -- even if this was kind of a fake kiss.

"Jon!" Madeline's voice called out sharply, "It's time for the show!"

That was Jon's cue to look up. Madeline's voice tore through my mind, bringing me back to reality. Jon looked up and said his line and Madeline yelled cut.

I have to admit I was kind of dazed there for a minute. It took me a while for my eyes to focus, but when they finally did, I saw Jon and Madeline both staring at me. I had gone limp and Jon was holding me up.

"Oh God, I killed her!" Jon said.

I heard Madeline laugh. I managed to regain my composure and keep myself in a sitting position without Jon's help.

"Are you OK?" Jon asked, that famous expression on his face of trying not laugh.

"Ahem," I cleared my throat, "Yes, I believe so," I said meekly.

Jon cracked up. Soon Madeline and I joined him.

"OK," Madeline said, wiping the tears from her eyes, "Do you mind if we do a couple more takes? Just to make sure we've got it the way we want it?"

Jon looked at me, "Is that OK with you?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said, nodding and trying not to smile too broadly. But to this day I swear I saw Madeline winking at me.

"Take it from the top!" Madeline said, exiting the room with the grand flourish that she always did.

"You have very soft lips," Jon said to me, his eyes sparkling, "So maybe that lip balm addiction thing we were discussing earlier isn't such a bad thing after all."

I laughed as he leaned in to kiss me again.

Melly, Senator of That Look Jon Gets On His Face When He's Trying Not to Laugh on The Daily Show (TLJGOHFWHTNTLOTDS)
mldst64@pitt.edu

================

Jon Events

All times EASTERN. Not liable for emotional distress resulting from incorrect listings.

<> If you've ever had an urge to dress Jon, go to:
http://www.toostupidtobepresident.com/shockwave/stewart.htm
Thanks to Melanie.

<> Death to Smoochy, with Jon playing a producer, is currently set to open in March.

<> Regis may step down as host of Millionaire. Jon Stewart is apparently under consideration as the new host if the show is not cancelled. No news yet on whether he would accept or even consider it.

<> Dec 29, Sat, 11 pm, &
<> Dec 30, Sun, 8 pm, Comedy Central -- Half Baked.

<> Jan 2, Wed, 8 pm, HBO Plus &
<> Jan 2, Wed, 11 pm, HBO Plus Pacific -- Larry Sanders: Flip.

<> Jan 10 (11?), Thurs (Fri morn?), 1:35 am, NBC -- Last Call with Carson Daly. This is Carson's first week of shows. He airs after Conan.

<> Jan 25, Fri, 8 pm -- Jon will be performing at the F.M. Kirby Center in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Call Ticketmaster at 570-693-4100. Tickets are $49.50 for Gold Circle (first 10 rows), $39.50, & $29.50.

<> Jan 30, Wed, syndicated (check listings) -- Spin City. Jon plays a stockbroker.

<> Mon to Thurs, 10 am, 7 pm, 11 pm, 1:30 am (same night) &
<> Fri at 10 am & 7pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
<> See the Late Night TV Page for guests at http://www.interbridge.com/lineups.html#DS

<> Movies currently airing on premium cable:
<> Barenaked in America - STARZ channels.
<> Big Daddy -- Cinemax channels.
<> Committed -- FLIX & STARZ channels.
<> Office Party -- Cinemax & HBO channels.
<> Playing By Heart -- STARZ channels.
<> Wishful Thinking -- Showtime channels.

All news contributed by Annie of the SSS unless otherwise noted.
Stewart Supremacist Site: http://home.earthlink.net/~jonstewart/
Join the SSS list for immediate updates and last-minute events.


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