November 26, 2000
Glass Half Empty?, by Annie-Wan
Calling All Authors, by Allison
JSEB Super Site Selection,
JSEB Site Updates, by Nikki
Notes & Reminders
Glass Half Empty?
Well, it's that time of year again.
It's time to remember the history of our great nation, celebrate the upcoming
birthday of Christ, and rejoice in the memories of our youth. I will address
each of these three items in turn.
Our Great Nation: (Does not apply
to Canadians. As much.)
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone
in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed
them and took their land."
-- Jon Stewart, GQ, June 1999, 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time, #60.
Christmas: (Does not apply to Jews.
Oh wait, it does. Listen.)
I bring you this classic Jon
The Memories of My Youth: (Does not
apply to you.)
I had the flu last week. This
is a disease I have not had since the age of eleven.
I had forgotten about the dizziness that accompanies a fever of 103. Have you
seen The Exorcist? Remember when that little girl's head spun round and round,
like a record, baby, right 'round 'round 'round? That was me, every time I moved
my head. Sneezing was an adventure in torture. No amount of Advil could reduce
the jackhammer in the back of my brain. Ah, the memories.
Okay, okay. So the glass might be
half empty, but what's left in the glass might be hot cocoa still foamy with
melted marshmallows. (Oh wait . . . that's the glass half full principle.) Things
could be worse. For instance, there might be no Jon for us to enjoy. ::GASP::
To help you recover
from your turkey induced stupor, visit this lovely page full of dancing Jons
courtesy of Comedy Central. If the thought of dancing Jons doesn't excite you,
perhaps a kissing Jon will. (Yes, there's a kissing Jon. Be sure to Windex your
monitor when you're done.) Thanks to Shan for the link:
Keep warm and stay away from the malls.
Stay away from me too. Achoo! OOOOOOWW!
Calling All Authors
I wake up every morning and convince
myself, "I'm feeling supersonic, give me gin and tonic. You can have it all
but how much do you want it?" (Note to those who know the song: nod knowingly
and rock on.) Now I ask this question to you: How much do you want it? Yes,
that's right. The JSEB works on the support of (here it comes . . . ) members
like you. Yes that's right, that's from PBS. Good show.
Now take it to heart! We need member
submissions out the wazoo. What will you get in return? Fame, fortune, accolades,
and not just from your mom! From the beloved cabinet as well. Beloved cabinet?
Did I just say that out loud? Or type it? You know, I've been thinking -- why
doesn't the JSEB start it's own third party, and gather up enough nutty followers
on our ego-crazed trip to completely destroy the electoral process of the biggest
superpower in the world? Oh! Whoops! It's already been done. I'll get you one
day, Ralphie, one day . . . .
"So," you ask. "What do I write?"
Well . . . anything that is relevant to The Daily Show and/or Jon Stewart. We
are the Jon Stewart Estrogen Brigade, so you know . . . "but WHAT do I write?"
Well, we prefer not to hear about your experiences with "Jon" one summer at
"band camp," or whatnot, but whatever sort of Jon-related . . . "Allison, ANSWER
THE QUESTION!!! WHAT do I write?" How am I suppose to know? You're reading this
right now and wondering about my credentials are you not? ARE YOU NOT? I hope
not -- but if you are, there you go. Anyway, just watch the Daily Show, Big
Daddy, or some other Jon vehicle and get inspired. I look forward to your submissions!
Allison, Minister of Propaganda
JSEB Site Pick
I spent about half an hour flipping
through sites on the Jon Stewart Webring faster than men flip through TV stations.
One old, dilapidated site after another, some not updated in over a year . .
. kind of like those reruns you've seen on the tube 10 or 15 times. Anyhow,
to get to the point, I found a site that I had seen a while ago, but it had
a fresh new edge. And, shockingly, it had been recently updated. Besides, it
has a really cool name. My site
pick this time around is, drum roll please . . . Naked Pictures of Jon Stewart
. . . Kicking Your Ass at:
What is so fabulous about this site,
you ask? Well, aside from the name, the site has enough to entertain even those
most lacking in attention for hours. So swallow your kid's Ritalin, remove yourself
from in front of the TV, and glue yourself to your computer screen for an hour
or two. Aside from the usual
pictures and transcripts, the site has Jon e-cards, as well as a link to creating
your own JonStewartKicksAss email address. Also, there's a transcript of a "Delete
Me First" Q and A that had me in stitches . . . .
The site also has links to an entire
late night guest listing, The Daily Show included, as well as various Jon links.
Still looking for something to do after you've read about Jon's various entertainment
ventures? Well, there's still the trading forum and a message board. Oh hey,
and while you're there, be nice and sign the guestbook.
Krissy, Secretary of Odds & Ends
JSEB Site Updates
Here is a list of everything Nikki
fixed on the site. Due to the large amount of things she's been doing recently,
she cannot type this message herself because she is suffering from carpal tunnel
syndrome. Her helper monkey is typing this. I like bread. Nikki says she thinks
that when you see this, you will be looking at it. She said not to type that,
stupid. Now she is hitting me.
-- Many of the pictures have been restored.
Nikki had saved them to her computer many moons ago. She said not to type many
moons ago because it will make me sound retarded.
-- The article section has been revamped.
Nikki forgot what exactly she did with those, but she knows it was something.
-- Nikki restored some of the old newsletters.
Enjoy what is there. She said not to say that because then I'll have to say
to enjoy everything else and then I'll sound more retarded. But if I don't add
that everywhere, people will think that they are not to enjoy these things.
She says to stop typing everything she says. If any of you have any of the newsletters
saved that are not on the site, Nikki would greatly appreciate it if you forwarded
them to her refrigerator. Not refrigerator. Email. QUIT IT!!!!! NikkiTDS@aol.com
-- No mom she doesn't want another
brownie. STOP IT! Ha ha.
-- The television section list has
been updated. If you can think of anything that isn't there, Nikki encourages
you to email her and tell her what it is. She will give you punch and pie. What
do you mean? We don't have punch and pie. Oh now you're typing what YOU'RE saying,
too?!? I'll do whatever I want! Bad monkey! Bad! Bad! Quit it! Do you want me
to talk about your --
-- The filmography section has been
updated with more information on Committed.
-- There is a new guestbook.
Nikki says she does hope you enjoy
everything. If you don't enjoy something, then you will make her sad. Peace!
Don't sign it that way, you moron!
[Editor's note: Nikki also recreated
graphics, fixed problem html, gathers news items, moderates bouncing members
on the mailing list, handles admissions, updates the member directory, and infiltrates
the CIA database when necessary.]
Nikki (and her monkey), Secretary of
-- JSEB Webring. The deadline for
current members to get your html code up is still December 1. New members may
join any time. The URL for the code is: http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/members/webring.htm
-- Member directory. You still have
time to update your directory info at: http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/members/meminfo.htm
-- Search features. The article/transcript
search feature is back up at:
All times Eastern.
Not liable for emotional distress resulting from incorrect listings.
Jon is in a short article in this month's Rolling Stone. Thanks to Megan.
Jon will be at Foxwoods Resort in Mashantucket, Connecticut, on December 8.
To order tickets call 1-800-PLAY-BIG. Ticket prices are $16.50 and $22. For
more info, visit the Foxwoods site at www.foxwoods.com, where they brilliantly
spell Jon's name with an H. Thanks to Laurie.
Nov 27, Mon, Syndicated (check local listings as times and stations will vary
in each area) -- Live with Regis, guest co-host. Woohoo!
Nov 27, Mon, 9:30 pm, and
Dec 1, Fri, 6 pm, MTV -- TRL (Total Request Live) Uncensored: There is
a clip of Jon calling into the show as a gag.
Nov 29? or 30? (check several days in advance and after, just in case), Syndicated
-- The Nanny: Kissing Cousins. Check local listings for times and stations.
2, Sat, 2 am, Comedy Central -- Comics Come Home (Cam Neely Special). Jon comes
on about 45 minutes in.
Dec 5, Tues, 12:30 & 6:30, A&E -- NewsRadio: Twins.
8, Fri, 6 pm, MTV -- MTV Uncensored.
Mon to Thurs, 8:30 am, 12 pm, 7 pm, 11 pm, 1:30 am (same night) &
Fri at 8:30 am, 12 pm, & 7 pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show with
currently airing on television (check local listings for times):
Big Daddy -- Cinemax and HBO channels.
(Making of Big Daddy is also airing on HBO channels.)
The Faculty -- Showtime channels and The Movie Channels.
Playing By Heart -- STARZ channels.
Wishful Thinking -- Showtime channels.
news contributed by Annie of the SSS unless otherwise noted.
Stewart Supremacist Site: http://home.earthlink.net/~jonstewart/
Join the SSS list for immediate updates and last-minute events.