JSEB NEWSLETTER
November 9, 2000

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Contents:

Hello Again, by Annie-Wan
Greetings, by Allison
Meet Nikki, by Nikki
Admission & Membership Updates (that means you!)
The JSEB Webring
Jon Events (Yay!)

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Hello Again
by Annie-Wan

Well hello again! Welcome to my administration. Aside from my poor whipping skills and the slaves in the galley of my Viking style ship groaning about all the rowing ("Oh God, why must we keep rowing when we're not even on water!" they keep saying), I think things are going very smoothly.

Some claim I rigged the election by creating complicated ballots that used a Spirograph to designate various coordinates, resulting in confusion for people who don't know the basic mathematical formulas underlying global satellite positioning systems. My position is this: If you're so stupid that you can't even calculate the curvature of the earth in your geographical location, taking care to account for atmospheric distortion and gravitational anomalies, you don't *deserve* to vote correctly. At any rate, we can all rest in comfort and peace, knowing that Buchanan is not the president of the JSEB. (Example of a Buchanan JSEB executive order: NO JEWS!)

I am very pleased to announce that Nikki of the Jon Stewart Archives (www.smapdi.net, www.jonstewart.net) has joined the JSEB. She will assume a position in the cabinet as Secretary of Whoop Ass. As her title suggests, she will be in charge of "wrangling" html, "fighting" with tables, and "beating" frames to her obey her every command. Her html talent is formidable, and I do not suggest crossing her lest she browbeat you with her 80% width horizontal bars. (Webmasters are now laughing hard; non-html types are now frantically unsubscribing. On second thought, maybe everyone is unsubscribing.) Nikki is also in charge of admissions. Allison, in a fit of bloody British affection, has changed her title to Minister of Brainwashing. Rest assured that this will not result in sudden influx of articles about kidney pie or arses. As far as I know.

The JSEB is just about back to full form. Please read the news as there is a lot of new info to absorb, not the least of which is the fact that the JSEB will now be sending out biweekly news! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Annie-Wan, President
anniejs@earthlink.net

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Greetings, Members!

What a very bizarre time in our country right now. Not only has my faith in mankind been abolished, but the positive side is that my faith in the Daily Show has only grown! The only news source (true or faux) that sees this nonsense for what it is -- Indecision 2000. And as the man, the myth, Jon Stewart himself stated, "It was just an attempt at humor. We had no idea that the people would take it and run with it!" At any rate, here we are, the JSEB, coming to you in the midst of this chaos to bring, perhaps, a small ray of Stewart-dom into your life. So sit back and enjoy this "more fun than you can shake a stick at" -- because all I can say about the current political situation (in the immortal words of Jerry Garcia) "What a long, strange trip it's been."

Allison, Minister of Propaganda
Lanark1440@aol.com

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Meet Nikki
by Nikki

JSEB Cabinet Status: Secretary of Whoop Ass

Name: Nikki (due to pending legal action, Nikki may be called Katherine)

About me: Nikki has been known to cause a rare eye disease in infants. Discontinue use of Nikki if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. If Nikki looks like she has an opinion, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Nikki may not be used in Cuba. Nikki may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. When not in use, Nikki should be kept in an air tight container at room temperature. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Nikki, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Do not taunt Nikki. Nikki comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Personality Traits: Animatagerimaidsachistic.

Things I like: Monkeys, cheese, my shampoo bottle collection, and bright lights.

Things I don't like: Popcorn.

Nikki, Secretary of Whoop Ass
NikkiTDS@aol.com

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Admission & Membership Updates (that means you!)

Our Admissions page is finally back up, so those of you who signed up for the newsletter without signing up through our site, please sign up now. For those of you who are already listed in our directory but want to change your information, you can do so at the same place. The link is:

http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/members/meminfo.htm

Only smart, sexy, spectacular members are listed in our member directory. Feel free to browse it here:

http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/members/memdir.htm

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The JSEB Webring

Our webring is back! *Anyone* who is listed in our member directory can submit a site and join the ring. The site does NOT have to be Jon related. For more information go to:

http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/members/webring.htm

Existing Members who do not have the updated JSEB webring html code on their pages or are no longer JSEB members will be deleted on December 1.

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Jon Events (Yay!)

We are pleased to announce that the JSEB and the SSS, sister sites extraordinaire, will bring you biweekly updates of Jon television appearances, magazine articles alerts, and other events. For those of you who are already on the SSS mailing list, this will not impact your news. For those of you who are not on the SSS mailing list and would like to have immediate and last-minute updates, join the list at: http://home.earthlink.net/~jonstewart/list.html

All times Eastern. Not liable for emotional distress resulting from incorrect listings.

• Nov 12 to Nov 19 -- Jon's episode of Millionaire will air during this week. Note that the shows start on Sunday night and runs through Thursday. Note also that last time Celebrity Millionaire ran, many of the contestants who lost stuck around to watch. So if Jon is up early, watch the rest of the week anyway because he'll likely stick around. Thanks to Nikki.

• Nov 15, Wed, 11 pm,
• Nov 16, Thurs, 2 am, HBO Comedy -- Dennis Miller: Bad habits. (Rerun, I think.)

• Nov 16, Thurs, 9:30 am & 12:30 pm, HBO -- Making of Big Daddy.

• Nov 21, Tues (Mon night?), 1:06 am, ABC -- Politically Incorrect with Jon and Frank Rich.

• Nov 22, Wed, 3 am,
• Nov 26, Sun, 3 am, MTV -- MTV Uncensored: Jon is interspersed throughout.

• Nov 22, Wed, Syndicated -- Spin City: Jon plays a stockbroker.

• Nov 22, Wed, 10 pm, and
• Nov 23, Thurs, 1 am, HBO Plus -- Larry Sanders: Adolf Hankler.

• Mon to Thurs, 8:30 am, 12 pm, 7 pm, 11 pm, 1:30 am (same night) &
• Fri at 8:30 am, 12 pm, & 7 pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Movies currently airing on television (check local listings for times):
• Big Daddy -- Cinemax and HBO channels.
• The Faculty -- Showtime channels and The Movie Channels.
• Playing By Heart -- STARZ channels.
• Wishful Thinking -- Showtime channels.

All news contributed by Annie unless otherwise noted.
Stewart Supremacist Site: http://home.earthlink.net/~jonstewart/
Join the SSS list for immediate updates and last-minute events.