I can't focus now...What event before your time would you most like to
have been a spectator? Hillary Detmoul, who will not be changing her name
if she gets married...she'll hyphenate it.
Say that again.
What event before your time would you most like to have been a spectator?
Hillary Detmoul would like to know.
I'd like to see Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, when they are having
sex. (laughter) Oh, oh I was alive then. (to Vance) You got anything?
We probably should go with something historical.
lets go with a historical thing.
Jon and Vance
(in unison): Uh...
Jon: Were just
go with Samson having sex with Delilah. Wanna go with that one?
yeah, lets go with that.
Jon: I would most like to be around in the times of mythology. You know, in the time when like, Zeus turned into a cow, and had sex with a girl, and she flew out of his head and that's why it rains.
were the days, huh?
were the days.
Frank: I think
I'd go with when Liberacci decorated his living room for the first time.
Jon: If nothing
else you're consistent.
consistent. What have we learned tonight? Liberacci, Marines, and chocolate
desserts. (laughter) Okay...
literally becoming two-dimensional right before our eyes.
Vance: I have
to ask you a question Frank.
Vance: If you're
the webmaster here...
Jon: Are you
the webmaster? That is not a title that is easily thrown around.
Vance: I assume
he's the webmaster.
Frank: I, I
Jon: I think
you're the proctor.
then I misspoke. Well, this seems to be somewhat historic, and um, are
we making these jerky motions, or is this streaming video like it looks
like we're actually doing this?
Frank: I think
the people that are watching are going to be making the jerky motions.
(laughter) Having been on the Internet a few times myself...Okay.
Jon: That is
one of the most disturbing things I have ever heard.
picture it, you'll hurt yourself. Whose ass do you plan to kiss the most
in the new millennium, spelt wrong, and why? Amy asks...there are two
n's in millennium okay?
got to say President Gary Bauer.
Jon: The new
millennium though, will have no ass kissing. Y2K is going to destroy this
country to an extent...can I tell you whats gonna happen?
Jon: At midnight
on December 31, the country's going to revert back, because of the computers,
to the way we lived in 1980. It is gonna be horrific.
I have the clothes and shoes, I'm so happy.
Jon: Isn't it weird that people panic about that though? I mean, you were alive in 80 when we didn't have computers, it was no big deal. It's not like we have to boil old people for soap.
maybe not your family, you had money. (Jon laughs)
but it's like, so you'll have to play Pong, what's the big deal?
you imagine if kids had to revert just to Pong today?
Jon: Or LPs.
Vance: Or LPs,
oh God forbid.
Jon: So what
does that mean, Flock of Seagulls will be big again?
be like they never left. I still have hair envy when I think of them,
I really do.
Jon: Were you
like that in High School? What did you dress like in High School? Were
you new age?
I did it all, I did blitz, I did new age...
Jon: What was
was dressing like Adam Ant.
Jon: Why didn't
my High School pick up on that. We thought we were from Alabama. Lynard
Skynard and the Outlaws. And people would be like, you live between Philadelphia
and New York...
your people at your school were beating me up, basically.
and parents signed for that. What are your feelings toward your largest
fan club on the net, the Jon Stewart Estrogen Brigade (JSEB), and
it it's wonderful (Frank mispronounces) memers... members? How do you
feel about the mumers? And that is from JCReporter.
Jon: I'm thrilled.
The "mumers" are wonderful. I'm excited about it. It's funny, we used
to call my uncles "the estrogen brigade" I'm just thrilled to death. I
just wish I understood how they did it. It's like, kids, young-adults,
whatever, who know how to make web sites. I'm fascinated by it.
Vance: Is that
a volunteer brigade like a volunteer fire-department?
Jon: No, it's
a draft thing. Everybody when they hit 18 I think has to go. We're fighting,
apparently with one of Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.
wonder who's gonna persevere.
has the best graphics I guess. The best baud time.
we can only hope.
not asking anything...
you can keep going.
Jon: You know
what's weird? this is the longest you've ever talked to me. Every time
I see you at a party you'll like, talk to me for a little bit...
they pay me more for this than they do for the parties.
like when you were a kid, and you used to watch the old Tonight Show.
Didn't you think that Johnny, and Ed, and Doc all hung out after the show?
You know go out and...
go out and get plowed and everything. I thought the same thing about the
guys in WKRP in Cincinnati. (laughter)
you know they did it.
Frank: If you
were a prize, lets just stop now, if you were a prize in a box of cereal,
what would you be? And this is from ShadaBear.
I'm sorry, ShodaBear, not ShadaBear...
Jon: If I were
a prize in a box of cereal, I would be the one where you dig through the
box and you finally get to it and you go, "A fucking whistle? Oh my God..."
(laughter) They said wewere gonna get tattoos!
have you dealt with th neetions, nations...how have you...
Vance: I don't
believe that we have...
have the two of you dealt with the sexual tension between the two of you?
Thomas Lee would like to know that.
Vance: I didn't
know that we...I don't hold anything back.
I don't hold anything back. It's just that...
double pictoral thats coming out in next months and, uh, in Playgirl...
Frank: I have
the advance actually.
(right about here
some woman in the audience makes a comment)
Jon: I can't
believe we're being heckled by the audience. Literally ten people showed
up for this thing, and they're giving us shit.
Jon: And here's
the sad part - they work here.
really is sad.
and I are, are just excited to be together and that's all there is to
Frank: I want
to know what the gayest moment in the last thousand years was, and you
can choose if gay means happy, dot dot dot. Kevin wants to know that.
Jon: (To Frank)
Well, I'm gonna refer to you, in terms of cronology...
Vance: In the last thousand years...thats a lot of time. I'm gonna have to say... this signing of the Magna Carta?
that guranteed man's rights...the gayest moment...I'm trying to be real
creative, and I can't think of an event, hmm, I don't know.
Frank: I think me at the Tiki room last night...At Walt Disney World, with an 8 year old, that was the gayest moment for me I think.
(Jon is now laughing
be right back.
Jon: That was
think I'm kidding... (Jon and Vance break out in hysterics) Anyway, I
would like to know if Jon will be doing any stand-up comedy tours, Meshel352.
huh... Meshel351, By the way, huge pain in the ass. Yeah, I think I'll
be doing some shows.
Vance: I think
you're a bit to modest, where is the tour going to you?
Jon: It's mostly
Vance: A lot
of USO stuff?
Jon: War torn
area. I'm huuuuge in Belgium.
huge in Belgium, what the hell was that? They have nothing. They have
french fries and thats it.
Jon: Have you
ever been to one of those places in the East Village, they come in a cone.
But they really do make a better french fry, I don't know how they do
it though...but just think if they were working on guns or computers instead,
they would be so far ahead of us.
they still put mayonaisse on it.
Vance: But you know, this would probably be a good time to plug the, uh, the next Daily Show special, live in Gradsnich.
Vance, If the power goes out after New Year's Eve, and we don't have any
heat, will you come up to Alaska and keep me warm? CharliesAngelX.
Jon: It's Jewel's
Jon: I would
you know what? I would say yes. I've never been to Alaska. You know what?
If you guys can find a story, and kind of oddball story...
Jon: You know
what, I've been there, and I uh, I had to get insulin for my grandma,
and the dogsleds are so damn slow.
there, you know, I'm all about helping the old people.
lost control of the show, you realize that? Vance, what was the name of
your comedy troup and can we see some footage? Brooke asks.
Vance: My comedy
Jon: Mixed Nuts and the footage of their beginning.
Vance: I, I
really didn't have a comedy troup, I was part of...
Jon: he was
in a band.
I was in a band called The Cold in New Orleans...
Frank: I think
I got this wrong. What was the name of your band and can we see some footage...or,
can we see a video, Brooke would like to know.
now wait a minute, you're lying about one of those questions, and I wanna
is a Cold question here, from someone new.
Vance: I think
they're talking about Mr. Bill.
Vance: I used
to do the Mr. Bill Show a long time ago. But...
it was clay. (laughter)
this is for real, Vance what's the word on a reunion for The Cold?
Jon: They just
Jon: They just
you blew it.
yeah, you know what? We just did a reunion on New Orleans over the Thanksgiving
holidays. I was down in New Orleans and we played at a club called The
Howling Wolf. And it was packed and we had a great time. We released a
live cd that's available online.
you download it right now?
Vance: I don't
is a pulley systen required in your hair maintenance procedure? Liz Enmark...
Jon: Now you're
just trying to hurt me.
actually Liz is is trying to do that.
Jon: I don't
understand how a pulley would work. It's just a team of Ompa Lumpas with
a razor, that's just what it is. (laughter) I don't know how pulleys would
comb and a little hairspray, that's all.
Vance: I just
saw that movie for the first time last week.
Jon: Are you
the first time.
Jon: Had you
that a great movie?
it is. You know, I always thought, eh, I'll get around to it. I never
did, and my girlfriend said, "you have to watch this." And she went out
and rented it.
Jon: Oh and
the Ompa Lumpas, they steal the show. It's a tremendous movie.
(I can't tell what's
being said here, my apologies, Real Player sucks)
Bull no, Willy Wonka, yes. (laughter) Um, Vance, How do you keep your
skin so sliky smooth? PikaPika wants to know.
(a long silence)
fast we have more questions to go.
know what, its all just living right I think. And not smiling and showing
emotion, I think.
Jon: I also
want to point out that he's 24, so it's not that great.
my wife spends late nights on the internet. Though she insists that there's
nothing to worry about, she recently hooked up a video camera and microphone
to her computer.Should I be concerned? Hot69's husband. (lots of laughter)
Jon: No, what
he should do is, let me know what their website is, let me check it out
for him, and just see if there's anything to be concerned about. I'm sure
someone named Hot69 is up to purely educational stuff. I don't think there's
anything to worry about though.
I have to go to school after the New Year? Trishana wants to know.
Jon: My guess
is, well, it all depends. If it's survival school then...uh, you know
I've had a full day of work right? I can't be expected to be funny 24
hours a day, I'm not a monkey.
Frank: I have
a monkey question, we'll get to that soon.
Vance: I actually
have a serious answer for that. I believe that school as we know it will
no longer exist, and it'll only be community colleges. That's just my
view on that.
an excellent idea. You know what else I'm hoping for? You know, they get
the little futuristic pill, and then you rub the thing and it gives you
for me. Works for me right now actually.
you talking about the orgasmatron, is that it?
which is out today I believe. Anyway. Hi, I am going to turn 21,. this
is not a question from me, I am going to turn 21 years old on February
and Happy Birthday by the way...
thats from Kathy...and I would consider it a personal favor and my birthday
wish if you would do a table dance for me at my birthday party in Bloomington,
Jon: You know
whats weird about that? On the 23rd I'm already booked stripping at another
party. You know I do this fireman thing, and...
seen the fireman thing and its worth the 25 dollars.
Jon: Its at
the daughters of the American Revolution party.
but it's sexy and sensible at the same time.
(And now a question
from our President, Miss Rebecca!)
Frank: If you
could be a pokemon character, which would you be and why? JonsKitchenBch
(Frank pronounces it Jon's Kitchen Beach, although it should be Jon's
Kitchen Bitch...don't they remember the summer spectacular?!)
Not the Ompa Lumpas...
Jon: No, the
real ones. They're crazy for it. And you know what else? They like the
singing Elmo. My brother had to go in one night and cut out the heart
of the singing Elmo so it'd stop singing. It's cute, you know, for a little
bit. 4 in the morning (He starts to sing) Sunny Days, (laughter)
the next question asks will you sing for us like in Elmopalooza?
you just did.
we heard that. What's the funniest gag...
singing random song lyrics) ...sorry. Clang Clang Clang with the Trolley...
the funniest gag you couldn't take to the air? Christian O'Connell wants
I think we both know that. Unfortunately this is the internet and we can't
even take it here. (awww from the audience) I really can't comment on
last question. Say tomorrow is Armaggedon. No not the movie with Bruce
Willis. What are you going to do, and with whom, and why? Jeanine Otten
wants to know.
Jon: For the
past 8 years in preparation, I have been drinking not only my urine, but
sort of a Whitman's Sampler of urines from around the world. And I've
come across some of, Swedishurine and not only is it pure, but it works
on making your hair blonde.
you should clarify that for anybody at home, that it's filtered.
um, I don't have the filter.
need a Brita, you can pour it through.
Jon: Can I
tell you this though?
(rolls eyes up)
Heaven! We heard it here.
Jon: It's like
guessing Boone's Fram Apple wine actually.
are you doing something for Armageddon, or are we out of time?
we're almost done. Well, on that lovely, lovely, biologically sound note,
we have to say goodbye. So you can go to Amazon or whatever and begin
your financial ruin.
Jon: I love
the fact that you think people are still watching. (laughter)
Frank: I need
to believe that, I need it.
it was lovely visiting with you Frank.
you. Thanks for being on my show!
a good man. Frankie DeCaro!