December 9, 2000
The True Meaning of the JSEB, by Annie-Wan
Greetings, by Allison
Top Ten Reasons Everyone Should
Love Jon Stewart, by Nikki
Submit YOUR Top Ten Reasons
Join the JSEB Arena!!!
Chat, Chat, CHAT!!!
The True Meaning of the JSEB
I did a
little research these past few weeks to determine the true meaning of The Jon
Stewart Estrogen Brigade. Armed with a heavily abridged American Heritage Dictionary
from 1983 and determined to write this article with absolute dedication to not
moving from my computer desk, I embarked on a wondrous definitional journey.
Jon -- Not
in my dictionary. Had no intention of getting up to get the slightly larger
dictionary. I did, however, find Jonah, a man whose claim to fame is having
been unceremoniously swallowed by earth's largest mammal and spat out by same.
Is there deeper meaning in this? Well, aside from at least one excellent Clinton/Lewinsky
joke, I think we can look at this more critically. JON IS NOT JONAH.
-- Not in there. Too tired to even move a few inches and reach for the thesaurus.
I did, however, find steward, defined as, "One who manages another's property,
finances, or other affairs."
-- "Any of several hormones, produced chiefly in the ovaries, that act to regulate
certain female reproductive functions and maintain female secondary sex characteristics."
-- "2. A group of persons organized for a specific purpose."
Men join the JSEB because they like Jon. (Note: I have no data on the goals
of hermaphrodites in the JSEB.) For women, the Jon Stewart Estrogen Brigade
is a group of persons organized for the specific purpose of organizing affairs
with Jon with the goal of stimulating female reproductive functions and the
organs related thereto. What
does this mean in simpler terms?
we're trying to have sex with Jon. (This is the kind of astuteness that got
me the presidency. Nothing is unpossible in this great countribly.)
Annie-Wan Kenobe, President
JD, MBA, and lots of BS
hoopla is upon us once again. Hope everyone continues to find time for The Daily
Show. You might even want to ask for a great Jon Stewart vehicle video for a
present this year. For Jon's complete Filmography, visit: http://members.fortunecity.com/jseb/filmo/indexx.htm
of you know, Jon Stewart celebrated his birthday for the big 3 -- 8 this past
November 28th. And for those of you who were unaware, you needn't fear -- it's
just a good excuse for a party. "Happy Belated Birthday, Jon!" That's right,
and don't forget to add my name to the cake as well. Coincidence that we share
the same birthday? I think not.
Show is fast gaining respect as a news organization, and Jon Stewart himself
is holding fast to the reputation of being excellent political anchor. Do we
hear this right? Yes -- I even hear quotes from the Daily Show's "Indecision
2000" on CNN and other disreputable organizations. Huzzah and Kudos TDS and
Jon! Despite the humbling commentary Jon makes about TDS, we all know that now
they've made it to the . . . Big Time (so to speak).
make another political joke or two, but I'm sure you've had enough -- that's
my present to you. Anyway -- keep sending in submissions to the newsletter,
either to myself or to our gracious President. They'll find their way to the
right place eventually.
Minister of Propaganda
Reasons Everyone Should Love Jon Stewart
1. He's funny. No one likes a sourpuss.
And he can lighten the mood virtually anywhere. For example: If you are arrested
for murder, he can soften the jury with his witty testimony that you are not
guilty, regardless of what really happened.
2. He's intelligent. He can always
word things well. Also useful for testifying in court.
3. He loves animals. And they love
him. Always a sign of a great person. (Or a person bearing many different types
of meats. But that's not what I'm going for.)
4. He's a brunette. It is a fact that
brunettes are not blonde.
5. He'd make a great facial. You can't
6. He's polite. And beyond. Recall
his interviews with Lara Flynn Boyle, Tori Amos, and, more recently, Posh Spice.
7. He doesn't have an ego. Duh.
8. He's 100% cotton and he doesn't
shrink when you throw him in the wash. This is a proven fact.
9. Umm . . . he's the 252nd Pokemon!
10. He cures cancer. Not scientifically
proven, but Cindy Watson from Birmingham, Alabama will tell you different!
Mix well. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes.
Secretary of Whoop Ass
YOUR Top Ten Reasons
Love the list above but irritated
because something is missing? Well, here's your chance for revenge! (Or at least
a chance to get your two cents in.) Send your own reason why everyone should
love Jon Stewart to email@example.com, and the JSEB government will select
the ten best for our next newsletter. Be sure to include the name you want credited
and whether you want your e-mail posted or not.
Prize for first place is a warm glow.
Prize for second place is a tepid glow. Prize for third place is a clammy feeling
of failure. Prize for anything less is an incessant desire to commit suicide.
of you know, the old Tropica JSEB group still exists, but no one except a very
few people seem to know it. Well, it's time to revive the old open forum and
start an unmoderated, even-Satan-can-post-and-probably-will group just for you.
We're pleased to announce a new group, JSEB-Arena, that is open for you to post
about Jon or the JSEB to your heart's content.
the newsletter, joining the Arena is optional. You should be a JSEB member to
join the group, of course, but we have better things to do than to police the
group, so really just about anyone can join. To subscribe, simply send a blank
get more info after you join. For more info now, go to:
have a good time!
Chat, Chat, CHAT!!!
of you dying to talk to each other, get a phone. For all of you dying to type
various English words into a computer logged in to eGroups in a chat room hosted
by the Jon Stewart Estrogen Brigade, go to: http://www.egroups.com/chat/JSEB-Newsletter
can you send various English words, you can get some back! The chat room will
be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We may also start scheduling major chat
gatherings in the future, so stay tuned to the newsletter.
meantime, log in and and feel free to gossip about Jon, the JSEB, Annie-Wan
(did you know she eats kittens?), Allison (did you know she cooks kittens?),
Krissy (did you know she kills kittens?), or Nikki (did you know she prepares
succulent roux-based gouda tarragon sauces for kittens?).
All times Eastern.
Not liable for emotional distress resulting from incorrect listings.
Jon has signed on to play a bad guy network executive in the movie Smoochie.
See a brief article at:
Thanks to Hayley.
Jon is in a short article in this month's Rolling Stone. Thanks to Megan.
Dec 9, Sat, 11:30 pm, Comedy Central -- Comics Come Home. Jon is the second
to last comedian in this hour-long show.
Dec 10, Sun, 11 pm, &
• Dec 21, Thurs, 12:30 pm,
MTV -- MTV Uncensored: Jon is interspersed throughout.
Dec 15, Fri, 10:30 am,
MTV -- TRL Uncensored: There is a clip of Jon calling into the show as a gag.
Dec 16, Sat, 3 pm, &
• Dec 19, Tues,
8 pm, &
• Dec 22, Fri,
2 am, MTV -- MTV F-Ups. Jon is interspersed throughout.
Mon to Thurs, 8:30 am, 12 pm, 7 pm, 11 pm, 1:30 am (same night) &
Fri at 8:30 am, 12 pm, & 7 pm, Comedy Central -- The Daily Show with
currently airing on television (check local listings for times):
Big Daddy -- Cinemax and HBO channels.
of Big Daddy is also airing on HBO channels.)
The Faculty -- Showtime channels and The Movie Channels.
Playing By Heart -- STARZ and ENCORE channels.
Wishful Thinking -- The Movie Channel, Showtime channels.
news contributed by Annie unless otherwise noted.
Stewart Supremacist Site: http://home.earthlink.net/~jonstewart/
Join the SSS list for immediate updates and last-minute events.