[Image] Thank you for visiting this week's Newsletter, and wow we have a (may I say) "tremendous" Newsletter this week with the Goldfish naming, the appearance news, columns columns galore, Winners of things, more contests, the Daily Show stuff ... come on people!

With a bang bam thank you mam let's get started.

Well members, we have been bashed, smashed, dashed, and mashed into the sharp stones of (jealousy?) hatred this past week by some unfriendly, now sorrowful people. But with fame comes blame! And the club grows! So we, the JSEB as a whole may be a fragile club, but also a vindictive yet forgiving one. (And sorry for the rhyming, no excuse really I just felt like it)

As I mentioned, the club grows. Welcome all of the many new members, and thanks to all the old members for your continuous support.

Also, I am very sorry to all of you who tried to send things to jseb-newsletter@onelist.com and it didn't work, because, It doesn't seem to work at all, so anything directed to me or about the Newsletter can be sent as always anytime to me: Lanark1440@aol.com

I feel very unimaginative as I write this ..... writers block ...

But without further ado, here is your weekly does of Jon Stewart info:


Dearest Members,

::deep sigh::  Well, we've done it!  As some as you may quite well know, our goal since we started up the club again about two months ago, was to reach a total of 100 members.  When our goal was reached, a nice informative letter was written to Jon with the "mission statement" of the club.  This letter has been sent, and we eagerly await any replies we may get from our Jon.  So now the JSEB has over 100 fabulous members, whom we all love dearly.

So, if you would, please join us for this week's celebration chat.  If you have AOL, we will meet in this chatroom:   So stop by between 9-11 PM EST on Thursday, August 5th 1999.  It's a great way to meet other Jon fans, chat about your favorite episodes and this week we're even going to have a Daily Show trivia contest.  So study up!

Allison commented on the JSEB bashing, so I'm going to leave that topic well enough alone.

Just for the record... Volunteer, damnit!

Stay Fabulous!

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Well, not really the movies... ON TV:

(some new some old):

* Jon appeared last week on a rerun of Oprah. My cable went out at 4PM and came back on at 5PM no joke, so I missed it (again) but from what I heard, he was only on for a few mins to introduce the much loved Lewis Black.

* Jon also appeared on a rerun of Conan. Yes, the VCR did in fact work, and Jon's impression of a "cat in heat" .... wow.


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Hi, I'm Girlfriend, and I've been asked to write your Jon Stewart advice column.  Since this is my second column, letters are still slow, don't you people send feedback?  Come on!  Be creative!  If you have a question or problem, send it to me at DearGirlfriend@imneverwrong.com and I'll address your problems in the next newsletter.

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Dear Girlfriend,

          I am very confused and puzzled! Can you really see Jon naked if you look sideways? Because i tried that and figured it was some sort of joke but the i read the letter of the person who had neck cramps from looking sideways to see Jon naked! So can you or cant you?

                                                                                 Signed,

                                                                                     Confused

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Dear Confused,

           Ummmm... no.

                                                                                         I'm confused myself,

                                                                                            Girlfriend

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Dear Girlfriend,

         I'm having trouble with the dreadful "Jon Always Wearing Clothes From Only  One Side Of The Color Wheel," situation. Is it me, or does he always wear blue, gray, and black? Please, tell me what is wrong with: hot pink, puice, olive green, magenta, tan, peach, and bright red. Is Jon biased against the fashion-illiterate?

                                                                                            Troubled in Tibet

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Dear Tibet,

        If you would read the column in last weeks newsletter, you would see Jon is partial to pink.  Unfortunately, the evil that is Comedy Central won't give The Daily Show air conditioning or more than three suits to Jon.  We're working on getting him an old Sesame Street "Big Bird" costume to wear for a week or so.  Donations can be made at (555)-555-5555.

                                                                                        Sorry,

                                                                                                Girlfriend

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Dear Girlfriend,

       As we all know, our dear Jon is somewhat, er- vertically challenged (not that this decreases his gorgeousness), being only 5'7" or 8". I, however, am a tall girl, and at 5'9", I'm at least an inch taller than Jon! Do you think that this could decrease my chances of ever having a relationship with Jon, or do you think Jon is man enough to put away his "masculinity" and move past it?

                                                                                     Tall, Dark, and Jon-less

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Dear Jon-less,

        If you watched the August 2nd episode of the Daily Show, you will notice they cut to a commercial by showing Jon's shoe.  If you note the one-two inch heel on his feet, Jon could be about 5'9 in his shoes.  So just wear flats, ignore the fact he's engaged and you've got a pretty good chance!

                                                                                        Luck,

                                                                                                Girlfriend

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Well, that's all for this week.  Sorry it was so sad, but I didn't have much to work with.  Comments and questions can be sent to me at DearGirlfriend@imneverwrong.com.  You'd better send them or I'll turn this into a real advice column.  If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

~Girlfriend


Interview-Thingy of the Week

(Headline in technical terms.)

Huzzah and Kudos to JSEB member Moronwalk@aol.com for writing up Jon's interview from the June 1999 issue of Details magazine. For those of you who were not able to see the pictures or read the article (me included) visit:

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Alley/7534/jonstew/details.html

and see the wonder for yourself (yes, pictures included) and share it with your friends!


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Or "Make your own goddamn moist and flaky cherry pie!"  This week you can make a delightfully moist and flaky cherry pie, so you can explain the budget statement to your friends and family.

Materials:

  • Ready-made pie crust

  • Can of cherries in that gooey red glaze.

  • Oven

Directions:  Figure it out yourselves.  I mean, it's a pie, people!  There's probably a recipe on the can or pie crust box.  You aren't stupid.

Special recipe for yummy pie came from me.  Instructions too, not that any of you used them.  Feedback or any ideas for other "Crafting" articles can be sent to me at: KnkySalmon@aol.com

~Miss Rebecca


Article of the Week!

Many of you have asked to do something as a volunteer to the JSEB (which is very much appreciated) and as part of that, we have decided to bring out the "Featured Column of the Week". Write up a column (no special length - use your own judgment) and send it to Lanark1440@aol.com.

That's right! This is no lie! Someone DID actually send in a column (actually, a number of you did) and they were all quite good. Remember, we save all of the submissions, so if this is not YOUR column this week FRET NOT .... we will save it and who knows? It may make an appearance next week!

But for THIS week, congrats to: anyi@earthlink.net (Annie)

for her column, this one people you will love:

Annie's Ambles 2

Why Jon Stewart is Hot: A Fan's Theory

Jon's July 19 Daily Show interview with Christa Miller (the Drew Carey woman) prompted me to write my second Amble. During the interview, Miller told Jon that all her female friends, all normal, non-boyfriend-stealing-types, loved him and wanted him despite his engagement to another woman. To this Jon replied, "Where were all of you when I was in high school? Sure, now that my skin's a little clearer . . . ."

What struck me about Miller's comment was that I had no reaction. If she had said that all her friends loved Mel Gibson, I would have been surprised. If she had said that all her friends lusted for Tom Cruise, I would have thought, "Why?" (Of course, I do that every time I see Tom Cruise, as a matter of course.) If she had said that all her friends worshipped Fabio, I would have been surprised, then I would have staggered, nauseated, to the first large bowl I could find. But her friends don't love these men. They, without exception, love Jon Stewart. And I nodded and without question, accepted the unarguable truth: Jon Stewart is hot.

But the question that has been plaguing (or at least mildly tickling) me these past few years has been why? Why do we women drool over Jon Stewart? What is it about this self-deprecating, dark, sarcastic man that seems to attract such a loyal female following? I've grown up since my old Simon le Bon worshipping days (see bio on my site), so my crushes are much more mild. My fondness for Jon is almost platonic. Yet if I heard that he had broken up with his girlfriend, then I bumped into him on the street and he asked me to marry him, my answer would be, "Yeah, okay. Let's go right now." If Simon asked to marry him, I would have to say, "Sorry. I'm holding out for Jon Stewart."

So what gives? Well, I have my theory, and it's a long one, so sit tight and hold on.

First, he's funny. Damn funny. The kind of funny where you shouldn't be knitting when he's on or you'll accidentally impale yourself when you collapse on the floor. His bit on Jews & blacks (see sounds at site) made me scream. The ending to that bit surprised and astounded me. In fact, it was the primary inspiration for the title of my web page. (I was going to call the page "How to Get Whitey," but I chickened out.) His interaction with his audience, they way he plays them, is brilliant. He doesn't do any tacky, artificial audience play. He doesn't insult them at some fundamental level. He just talks to them. "It's really embarrassing to have to tell the doctor that you have hemorrhoids . . . though apparently I have no trouble telling you people." I can't explain his genius, so I won't bother to explain why he's funny. Since you're here, I take it you that you agree anyway.

Second, he's smart. I have a fear that people who have never seen Jon's standup don't know just how smart he is. I don't mean just book smart, though by all accounts, he is book smart -- great college, graduated third in high school without studying, etc. I mean true smart, the kind of smart that encompasses thoughtfulness, fairness, logic, consistency, currency, knowledge, and open-mindedness. After Jon did his last Politically Incorrect appearance, there were people on the Delete Me First newsletter that expressed surprise at his intelligence. That drove me nuts, but it didn't surprise me that much. The Daily Show requires Jon to be anchor-like. His opinions don't seem to matter, though he asserts his opinions a little, sometimes. I love him on the show because his humility and self-deprecation cuts the harshness of some of the material. Out of Kilborn's mouth, I sighed. Out of Jon's mouth, I laugh.

But the show does limit him as an individual talent, and I miss that biting part of him that rants about politicians and Kathy Lee. All I can say is, if you have not seen "Unleavened," make sure to see it the next time it comes out. He owns you during that performance. For one hour, the world is his, and you can do nothing but hear and obey. If you don't see what I mean, then you do not deserve to gaze upon the visage of Jon Stewart. Go worship Fabio and don't come back because I don't want you here. We Jon Stewart Supremacists have no tolerance for the likes of you.

Third, he's oblivious. This is important, because it makes him a prodigy. Let me explain. Whenever a woman tells Jon that she has a crush on him or if he's told that he's attractive in any way, he denies it. It might be an act, it might be that he believes it but he's just uncomfortable with himself it, or it might be that he sees himself as slightly less revolting than ingrown ankle hair. Whatever the case, he appears to be firmly convinced that no woman really wants him. So why does that make him a prodigy? Because he does everything exactly right anyway. Isn't that what a prodigy is? In a musical prodigy, all the genes and the upbringing combined in some perfect way to make the musician produce perfect music.

In a woman-bait (couldn't think of a better term) prodigy like Jon, nearly every freaking thing he says and does is perfect, and he doesn't know it. For instance, on The View, he told the story about how he proposed to his fiancée through a crossword puzzle, and how it was a corny thing to do. Then when the hosts and the audience murmured with overwhelming approval, he said, and I quote, "Huh?" There are thousands, even millions, of men who don' t know how to talk to women. They either treat them like other men (one of my friends dated a guy who gave her a noogie), or they treat them like aliens from another planet. But Jon treats them like human beings, and his appearance on The View is the perfect example of his ability to make women love him. What makes this so astounding is that like the musical prodigy, Jon didn't have any lessons first. He doesn't have any sisters. People tend to get along best with the people of the same sex as their older siblings. Jon had an older brother. Yet he still manages to say the right thing. If that's not a prodigy, I don't what is.

Fourth, he's a sweetie. He loves animals (he wanted to be Dr. Doolittle), he likes spending quiet evenings doing crossword with his beloved, he respects the elderly (even the Bedspread King), he has expressed empathy for the eccentrics that The Daily Show ridicules, he has enough love and hope to adore a flawed president for what he could have done (Kennedy), and he can't seem to stand, even for one second, to let you think that he's smarter than you, even if he is. ("If that wasn't spelled out phonetically, I'd never get through it." Yeah, right Jon. You regularly use words like "hubris." See pictures section.)

Oh, and did I mention that he's handsome? Not that that should matter, but a little frosting on the cake never hurt anyone. (Except diabetics. And people with weak tooth enamel. And . . . oh, never mind.) Does anyone else go weak when they see that gray at his temples? Was I the only one who was jealous of Miss Piggy when Jon put his arm around her and said, "Aww, you're a good girl"? And am I the only one who has a huge glasses fetish? If we could just see Jon in some wire-rimmed spectacles . . . .

Of course, I should note that all of this is pretty silly. Jon's a bright guy who has had years of practice presenting himself to his public. Who knows how much of that presentation is fake or one-sided? There is plenty of stuff that he has never talked about or only hinted at. He may put more of himself out there than others do, given his admiration for open comics like Pryor, but he still has hidden parts of himself carefully stored away, never to be seen by the likes of us. Maybe the resentment toward his father that he has hinted at a few times and his life with his mother taught him sensitivity. Maybe the trauma of a divorce when he was so young gave him his dark, biting, and wonderful character. Maybe his experiences as an outsider as one of the few Jews in his neighborhood and his college forced him to understand isolation and lent him his acute compassion. Maybe he likes to torture kittens in his spare time. Who knows?

Ultimately it doesn't matter, because crushes are irrational, lovely things. If Jon is too good to be true, then at least we have a fictional model. Ah, yes. There is nothing like a made-up personality with which to criticize our current and future partners, forcing them into a lifetime of bitterness and therapy. ("She's always telling me to be more like Jon Stewart. What do I do, doctor?")

Viva la disfunctioné!

Annie

~ Webmaster, SSS: The Jon Stewart Supremacist Site ~

http://home.earthlink.net/~anyi/jon.html


Name That Goldfish!

      Well, the results are in, and your JSEB goldfish has been named.  In third place was "Special Agent Foxy Fish" with 10% of the votes.  Second place was taken by "Stewie" with around 20% of the votes.  And in first place with 60% of the votes is Smapdi, our new club goldfish.  Thanks a bunch  to the JSEB members who first nominated the name. Thank you, naomskies@juno and DMBisFUN@aol.com, for naming our fish.

~Miss Rebecca

The remaining 10% of the votes were for other names not voted enough to be worth mentioning.


101- Member Celebration!

To celebrate the addition of our 101 member, I've compiled a list of "Reasons you know you're a member of the JSEB (Or Reasons You Should Join the JSEB.) Yep, you guessed it, 63 reasons!

1.) You're part of a group where other people are as obsessed as you.

2.) The JSEB is a group that Jon has actually heard of.

3.) You get to do all kinds of fun things...

4.) Like name a goldfish...

5.) and write haiku's about Jon. ( See the next issue of the newsletter.)

6.) You get to put "Proud Member of the JSEB" in your signature

7.) You understand why our goldfish is named Smapdi.

8.) You understand why the "Dear Girlfriend" column is called what it is.

9.) You've rented "Half-baked" to see Jon's 30 second cameo appearance.

10.) You think that using the money you've been saving on a new car to visit a taping of TDS is a great idea.

11.) You think that using the money you've been saving for the mortgage on a house to visit a taping of TDS is a great idea.

12.) You've considered remodeling your bedroom to look like the set of TDS.

13.) You figure the couch is more than comfortable enough to use as a bed.

14.) You watch Comedy Central shows you hate just to see DS commercials in the breaks.

15.) After seeing "Wishful Thinking" you constantly use the phrases "In bed" and "then you die" at Chinese restaurants.

16.) You pouted through the last hour of the Faculty because Jon was gone and frankly, the movie sucked.

17.) After saying, "Hello!" to someone, you quickly follow with a hearty, "And now ... Headlines!"

18.) You didn't realize you'd fallen for Jon until you'd seen him three or four times.

19.) You paid twenty-some dollars for Jon's book in hardback the day it came out.

20.) Every time there's a "T-hers-day" segment, you cross your fingers and hope Jon's the one who comes out in a Speedo.

21.) X-Files fans-That's right, a Speedo. A *red* Speedo.

22.) You actually tried looking at the TV sideways when Jon joked about his nudity.

23.) You've considered buying a pink vintage prom gown to wear around the house.

24.) You've converted your entire wardrobe to pink and gray or black suits.

25.) Craig who?

26.) You've taken up soccer for all the obvious reasons.

27.) And tap lessons.

28.) You suck at both, (Tap and soccer.)

29.) You believe Jon is really 6 feet tall.

30.) You try using your JSEB membership card to get a discount at Red Lobster.

31.) When someone doesn't know who Jon is, you launch into a 5 hour monologue.

32.) All your pets are named Shamsky and Stan.

33.) For that matter, you've considered naming your existing or future children Shamsky and/or Stan.

34.) Your "cat-in-heat" impression fails to impress your friends.

35.) You've wondered why Jon never gave *you* a goldfish.

36.) You cursed the writers of "Big Daddy" for sending Jonny to China.

37.)You watch the beginning of "The Real World" just to say at the end, "And one spooky guy who watches them."

38.) You asked your preacher/minister/priest/etc. if the angels really do take you to heaven by your nipples.

39.) You've changed your name to Tracy.

40.) You've changed your name to Smapdi.

41.) You've changed your name to Shamsky.

42.) You've considered changing your name to the three above.

43.) You sadly realize that you've stopped reading the newspaper, watching your local news and can answer all questions pertaining to current events.

44.) You actually know more about current events than you did before.

45.) You wish that TDS wasn't censored.

46.) You've always wanted to <censored> Jon.

47.) And <censored>.

48.) Also <censored>

49.) You've refused to watch MTV after they cancelled Jon's show.

50.) Your last though before falling asleep is "Jon, why won't you love me?"

51.) You sob hysterically if you miss one episode of TDS, even though you know it will repeat within another 3 hours.

52.) You missed the View and are still bitter.

53.) You think Jon could play the lead in every movie you see.

54.) You'll watch an episode of TDS that wasn't very funny 4 times just to watch Jon's facial expressions.

55.) The name "Martha Stewart" makes you laugh.

56.) You know Hanson isn't as innocent as they appear to be.

57.) When your dog throws up, you laugh for days.

58.) You're no longer in contact with your friends who don't watch TDS.

59.) You love hearing Jon's laugh.

60.) You love Jon's smile.

61.) You love the gray streaks in Jon's hair.

62.) You love Jon.

63.) You love Jon platonically.

What did you expect?  101 reasons?  Like I have time for that...

~Miss Rebecca


This week, the Internet Site of the Week was not given to me, Miss Rebecca, for conversion to web format.  Therefore I took it upon myself to find the site.

http://gaws.ao.net/transcrp/daily.html

This site has a transcript of the Gillian Anderson/Jon Stewart interview.  It's been one of my favorites on this wacky 6 month ride, so...  Have fun reminicing.


COMMENTARIES:

Remember the Ala ..... Commentaries!!!!!

Any comments you have about this newsletter or about the fish whose name is undecided as of now, or about Jon Stewart/The Daily Show in general, or if you have an ache in your foot ... type it up and e-mail it to GillyPhile@aol.com, and it will be displayed in the next newsletter.  If you don't send something, we'll just put in our own feedback.  Which, what the hell, we'll do anyway.

**Fall Fashion:_______________________________________________

"Just had to praise this. It's hysterical. I made the mistake of reading it at work. My coworkers thought I was insane.

Thanks for the laugh."

**Miss Rebecca Spelled something wrong:__________________________

"grammAr

Sorry. My sis is a court reporter and I have a cursed habit of proofing

while I read."

**Mean Letter From Nasty Man:__________________________________

"Very interesting page. I just hope that you have other things that you do during the day that aren't so psychotic. Oh- the stuff you find on the internet.

And if you're really bored, check out how I waste my time...

www.personal.psu.edu/ejb181"

(Note from Miss Rebecca-  Feel free to visit this page and tell 'em what *you* think of it.  Hmmph!)

** Nice Comments:____________________________________________

"I'm a new member and I must say how impressed I am with your site as well as your newsletter. I'm willing to help you out in any way (yet I must warn you, I have no talent). Thanks for dedicating so much time and effort to Jon. There's just something about him that make 88 of us to love him so much we had to join a fan club for him."

___________________________________________________________

See?  That's all you need to send!

~MR


Haiku Contest!

That's right, the goldfish contest is over, and it's time for some good ole' fashion Haiku contest fun!   Send in your haiku about Jon or the DS!  All haikus will be placed on a web page where you can vote by clicking the nice dot next to them next week.  Here's an example Haiku:

The JSEB, (First line- 5 syllables.)

Largest Jon club on the net, (Second line- 7syllables.)

Whoo-hoo, we kick ass. (Third line- 5 syllables.)

My name is:
My email address:

My Haiku about Jon:


First here are some highlights from the Daily Show newsletter last week:

* I wish Janeane Garafolo would come back on as a guest ... pleeeeaaaassseee.....I wish that Janeane ...OH MY GOSH SHE WAS BACK ON AND JON READ MY POST ON THE AIR!!!!!!!

* Congrats, your post was read over the air

* Congratulations Dave for winning "Employee of the Year"

* Why doesn't the Daily Show studio have air conditioning?

* New "insiders" TDS term: If a joke doesn't do well it "Hanked", OK? (explanation was in the Newsletter)

* The JSEB sucks! I mean ...(BAM!!!!) ow! I mean, sorry I didn't mean it, really!!!

Also, great interviews last week. Vince Neil from Motley Crue was funny (especially about the golf tournament benefiting kids being sponsored by Playboy TV, Hustler, ect) and of course Janeane was comedic as usual (are you satisfied now? She came back) All the field reports were laugh out loud funny (how many turtles would it take to kill a man?) and also, a big thank you to Vance for explaining about the Budget Surplus. Afterwards, I went to the kitchen and had a snack.

Another Vance piece that had me laughing was the spin-off of the "The Blair Witch Project". And, was it just me or did Jon (after the Menopause/Mid-Life piece) say an ad lib similar to "...just an estrogen joke..."

Yeah, and we're going to say that that was meant for us, right? Even if he didn't know it, right? He was endorsing our club, RIGHT?

Probably wrong but who cares we can say that anyway.

Talk to you next week, Hopefully back on schedual (almost there!)

~Allison

Vice President of the JSEB


Contact the current JSEB Newsletter staff:  (We're feeling chatty... mail us.)

Allison- Editor, writer, researcher.

Girlfriend- Advice columnist

Miss Rebecca- Writer, web arrangement & graphics.


Questions? Comments? Hear something interesting about Jon and want to share it with the rest of the members? E-mail Allison with the subject "JSEB" so I don't accidentally delete your mail.


Grammar mistakes and web graphic design complaints can be directed to me.