The Adventures of Jewey Jewman and Friends
Round Three: Untitled
Started May 26, 2002
by The JSIA Bulletin
As the gang gathered around
Rosie's large conference table in her mansion/theme park for kids, she motioned
to a maid to bring everyone something to drink.
Jon filled her in on the
whole Kathie Lee/Bill Maher situation, and when he finished, Rosie leaned back
and crossed her arms in front of her in deep thought.
Just then, the maid came
out with a silver platter full of those little Hi-C boxes. She placed one in
front of everyone.
"Hi-C?" Lewis groaned. "You
don't have any Heineken?"
"Shh!" Rosie hissed. "I'm
thinking. Melly, bring them some fruit roll-ups, they're probably hungry."
The maid, Melly, dressed
in a tiny french maid uniform that hugged her curves and showed off her legs,
winked at Jon and strolled back into the kitchen.
"Rosie, don't you have any
REAL food?" Nancy asked, trying not to lkisten to her growling tummy.
"I like it here!" Steve
said happily drinking his Hi-C and p;laying with some random legos.
"That french maid had better
come back before I go mad with cutsey happiness," Colbert growled to himself.
Just then Melly came back
out of the kitchen, a stack of fruit roll ups on her tray. After placing one
in front of everyone, she perched prettily on Jon's lap and began feeding him
his roll up, along with sips of Hi-C.
"Oopsy!" she said in a fake
french accent when she dribbled a bit of juice on Jon's chin. She was just about
to tenderly lick it off, when Rosie's voice made her freeze, tongue in the air.
"Enough! Go take a break,
find a hose!" Rosie shouted at her. Melly gave Jon a quick kiss on the cheek
before stomping off to the kitchen where she vanished.
"Funny, I don't remember
hiring her..." Rosie mused. "But anyway, Jon, gang, I have the answer to your
"What?" Jon asked hopefully,
wiping his mouth and basking in the light perfume that lingered on him from
the french maid.
Rosie stood up and took
a key out of her pocket. Lifting up a picture on the wall, she opened a safe
to reveal four brightly glowing golden masses.
Everyone at the table immediately
flipped their shades down and squinted into the brightness.
"What...What are they?"
Jon asked, one hand shielding his face from the glow.
"They're koosh balls of
love, Jon," Rosie said, closing the safe. "When launched at Kathie Lee, they
will destroy her for good."
"I have just the thing to
launch them!" Conan shouted, leaping off his chair and scrounging in his pocket.
He took out a tiny robed figure wearing sandals and carrying a mini-koosh launcher.
"Koosh launchin' Jesus!"
he shouted happily.
Meanwhile, outside, Rock
was putting the kids down for their nap.
"Sleep tight, little crackas!"
he said, pulling the blanket up around a little girl. "If anyone does an oopsy
in their pants, I'll have your bum!"
Rock noticed a small child
still awake in a sleeping bag a few yards away from him. "Hey! Mini-cracka!
Get yo bum to bed, now!"
Still, the child refused
to lay down, so Rock strode toward the child, talking as he went. "Don't male
me read you a story now, shrimpy cracka....AHHHH!!"
The child turned around
to reveal itself as not a child but, MINI-KATHIE LEE!! She had managed to grab
on to one of the helicopter skids and hang on until she found her way into the
luggage compartment where she had hid, feeding on rats and spiders, until the
crash, which she had managed to survive.
Due to larynx deformation,
the midget made no sound as it bopped Rock on the head, knocking him out, and
ran towards Rosie's Dream Mansion, where it laughed to itself on the inside.
Everyone stood up and cheered for Conan. "You finally came in handy!" declared
Jon. "Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!"
The huge picture window
shattered. The group turned in horror as Mini-Lee leaped through the broken
glass. She picked up the largest shard and aimed it at Jon Stewart. With a silent
shriek, she leaped at his jugular with the jagged glass clutched between her
bloody fingers. Her mouth foaming, Mini-Lee aimed to kill.
Melly ran back into the
dining room when she heard the glass breaking. She saw the rabid midget bearing
down on her Adonis. Screaming, Melly threw herself on Mini-Lee. A huge flash
of light engulfed them both. And when the group's eyes had readjusted, both
Melly and Mini-Lee were gone.
"What the hell?" said Lewis.
"Mommy," said Steve.
"I'm here, poopsie," said
Rosie, patting poor Steve on the head.
"Something's wrong," said
Craig, furrowing his brow, then unfurrowing it when he remembered that that
caused wrinkles. "That maid -- where did she come from?"
"We should go," said Mo,
calmly. "Whatever's going on, we need to reach Kathie as soon as possible. She's
the key. Chup chup."
"You're right, let's just
go," said Jon. The group started out the door. "Are you coming with?" Jon asked
"No, I have to clean up
this glass before the kids step on it. You guys will be fine without me. But
remember this." Rosie placed both hands on Jon's shoulder. "You are strong,
my friend, but not strong enough. The Koosh Balls of Benevolence are powerful,
but your will is more powerful still. You must overcome your greatest fear before
you can overcome your greatest enemy."
"Huh?" said Jon.
"May the force be with you,"
"What?" Jon repeated.
"The greatest trick the
devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist."
"I don't know what you're
"Go my friend," wept Rosie.
"I pray we meet again."
Jon's posse pulled him out
of the dining room, dragged him out of the house, and into the waiting helicopter.
Mo rigged his laptop to auto-pilot the aircraft. They took off into the twilight
back towards New York.
by Sara J
When the troupe returned to the studio, they were more than exhausted. They
were literally dropping off by the second: Nancy and Steve in the doorway, Matt
in the hallway, Lauren further down the hallway, Stephen and Jon on the interview
couch (ever seen that "Friends" episode where Joey and Ross fall asleep on the
couch together? ::snorty giggle::.) with Conan leaning against the side of the
big red monstrosity, and Lewis in the break room, who had gone in there simply
to get away from the rest of those twits.
Mo schlepped into the writers'
office and fell into a chair. He sat his laptop on the table and opened it,
figuring he'd at least check his e-mail. Maybe his mom wrote him or something.
What he found in his inbox
was considerably more helpful.
TO: The Daily Show
RE: The Operation
Hello, everyone, Willie
Mohair here. Listen, I'm writing to you from a computer at Kinko's so KLG can't
trace this message back to me. I finally wrote up written direcions to her lair,
along with an aerial map taken from one of KLG's security cameras in the city.
Just download the attachment. Good luck.
Mo snickered to himself.
Willie Mohair. He still couldn't believe Maher was actually using that alias,
after Stephen had suggested it as a joke.
"Mo, didn't anyone ever
tell you downloading 'net porn is a filthy pasttime?"
Mo looked behind him to
see Craig standing, one foot crossed over the other and hands in his pockets,
in the doorway.
"And looking over said downloader's
shoulder isn't?" Mo replied.
"Touche," said Craig as
he strolled over to the table and pulled up a chair.
Mo slid the computer toward
Craig and waited for him to finish reading Maher's message.
"So you really think you
can trust this guy?" Craig asked.
Mo cleaned his lenses on
his shirt and said, "Not to be...oh, what's the word...an asshole, but you're
not one to talk about who can trust who."
Craig sighed. "I know. But
listen, Mo...just between you and me, I'm not just in this to get back at Kathie
"No...I mean, she did kind
of screw up my life, but she's not trying to kill me. At least, not now, she's
not...I don't think. I know I don't come across as the most caring person, but
somehow I just can't..."
Mo put his glasses back
on and raised his eyebrows, waiting.
Craig rolled his eyes. "Look,
I can't let Kathie Lee hurt Jon. He's...he's too good a guy or something, I
don't know. But it's not just about me in my mind, okay?"
Mo smiled. "Aww, Kilborn
"Shut it, Rocca. As far
as you know, I'm only here to help me."
Mo just kept right on grinning.
"Oh, of course." He tapped his laptop. "Now, should we go wake the others and
share this late-breaking information, or should we just sit back and wait for
all hell to explode?"
"I'll go get them. You download
Mo nodded and immediately
set to work.
"Oh, and Mo? This conversation
Mo winked at him and returned
to the screen, and Craig set off to drag the others out of their slumber.
Meanwhile, back at JSIA
Annie, running to the left.
Sara, running to the right.
Melly, running clockwise.
Kelly, running counterclockwise.
other members of the JSIA, bumping into each other and knocking down furniture.
In the middle of it all,
Mini-Lee was waving her giant shard of glass around like a midget at a tossing
"WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE!"
Annie screamed at Melly.
"SHE ... IT ... WAS GOING
TO KILL JON!" Melly screamed back.
"AND NOW SHE'S GOING TO
KILL US!" Annie screamed again.
Mini-Me lunged at Agent
247 and beheaded him in one swift motion.
Annie screamed again. "THAT
WAS ONE OF OUR MALE MEMBERS! YOU KILLED A MALE AGENT! NOW WE'RE DOWN TO FOUR
MALES!" Annie momentarily stopped screaming when Mini-Me lunged at her. Annie
grabbed a fire poker and clocked the evil mini-bitch in the head. The screaming
finally died down. Just as the JSIA members managed to catch their breaths,
Mini-Lee regained consciousness and clamped her pointy teeth deep into Annie's
"WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE!"
Annie screamed again at Melly.
"IT WAS GOING TO KILL JON!"
Melly screamed back.
The screaming and running
Meanwhile, back in New
After letting everyone have
the recommended eight hours of sleep, Mo arose, downloaded the directions to
Kathie Lee's lair, and went into the studio to wake everyone up.
"No mommy, I didn't wet
the bed," Steve murmured around his thumb, still half asleep.
"You think THAT'S bad, get
a load of this! A little remember me this way from a Tijuana whore back in '87!"
Colbert mumbled happily.
"Urine," Matt Walsh said
Mo crossed his arms and
sighed at the passed out, leather clad comedians that surrounded him. Frankly,
they were looking mighty pathetic in their various stages of sleep, and plus
those tight leather outfits were getting a bit ripe. Mo decided to take control.
Climbing up on the desk
and being careful not to step on Lewis' fiery, furious fingers, he put his own
fingers in his mouth and whistled as loud as he could.
Everyone awoke with a scream,
sitting bolt up-right in their various places. Kelly, who had been spooning
with Jon, guiltily crawled under the desk, where she disappeared in a flash
"Dude, that's starting to
freak me out!" Jon said, rubbing his eyes. "What's up Rocca robin?"
"I asked you to please refrain
from calling me that, Stewbacca!" Mo said, cleaning his glasses. "I'm happy
to inform you that Willie MoHa....err. Bill Maher, came through for us and sent
me THESE maps to Kathie Lee's lair."
"YAY!" Everyone cheered.
"Now, Bill has outlined
several rules for survival here, when attempting to enter the lair. I suggest
we go over them, follow up with a short quiz, and then prepare to storm the
"Mo, Mo, Mo..." Colbert
said, running a hand through his hair and strolling uo to his bespectacled colleague.
"You poor, naive bastard."
"What?" Mo said, miffed.
"This is our chance, Stephen! This shall be our finest hour!"
"Mo, you ignorant slut,"
Colbert said, reaching into Conan's pocket and taking out 'Good to the Last
Drop; Morning Latte' Jesus,' and plugging him in so that his halo glowed and
started percolating. "There's something you all should know...something you
couldn't know, and now the time has come to tell you..."
Everyone turned their attention
to Colbert, and waited...
Rosie walked in the bedroom
the next morning to wake up her children when she found who but Rock sprawled
out on the floor, three children crawled on top of him playing barbies. "Hey!
Get off him!" She yelled, uncharacteristically.
"Chris?" She said softly.
"CHRIS!" She yelled when he didn't respond.
"What the cracka Jesus is..."
Chris yelled, sitting bolt upright. "DAMN My head hurts like a mother..." He
trailed off as he noticed the three young girls staring at him... "uh... trucker?"
Rosie helped Chris up and
noticed a cut on his temple. "Chrissie poo, what happened!"
Rock glowered at her for
the nickname she bestowed upon him. "It's Chris, or Rock.. no poo's involved!"
The children giggled at
the utterance of the word "poo."
//Kelly, you must stop using
words like utterance and bestow\\
((Okay, fine, I will))
Rosie took his hand and
dragged him into the kitchen, fussing away over his head. "Oh you poor thing...
oh, that must have hurt.. Let Rosie fix you some hot coa-coa..."
"Where's everyone?" He asked,
finally waking up. Suddenly he stood. "OH THE MIDGET!!! THERE'S A MIDGET AND
Rosie shook her head. "No
no, she disappeared.. I'm not sure where she went, actually, it's was the strangest
thing... Anyway, th e rest of the gang took off back for New York I believe."
Chris turned around "And
just LEFT me?!"
Rosie smiled. "I guess they
totally forgot you Chris.. it's okay, you can play barbie with my little girls
Chris shook his head. "Rosie,
I got the worst headache in the world right now, I can NOT listen to a buch
of white cracka children giggle over barbies, tea, and crumpets... I gotta find
back at the JSIA headquarters
Kelly fell contentedly back
into the headquarters couch. Oblivious to the turmoil around her she kicked
her feet out and sighed.
//Kelly, what did I tell
you about using pretentious words like Oblivious TWO SECONDS AGO!\\
"KELLY I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
LEFT US ALONE WITH THIS CRAZY ASS MIDGET TO GO SPOON WITH JON!" Sara yelled
Kelly, smiling still, finally
opened her eyes. "Hey! It was MEL that did that, I just basked in the glory!"
Melly giggled. "Mine ears
have heard the glory of the talking of the Jew..." she sang.
Suddenly the Mini-Kathie
Lee spotted the blissfully laughing Kelly and...
((I can't help it! I'm in
a literary mood right now!))
pounced on her.
"HEY!" Kelly yelled, catching
the midget by the legs as she jumped on her. "I WAS LAUGHING! NOBODY RUINS MY
FUN!" She yelled, slamming the midget headfirst into the open barrel that the
gang used as a trash can. Putting the lid on it, Kelly and Sara re-hammered
the nails into the top.
"Damn." Annie said. "Why
didn't we think of that?"
Meanwhile, back at the
"This leather really binds
at the crotch," Matt suddenly said from somewhere in the back.
"Nice, Walshy," Lauren said.
"Way to ruin the moment."
All eyes returned to Colbert.
"Stephen, you were about
to tell us something," Mo said. His reply was a blank stare. He rolled his eyes.
"Something we should know? Couldn't know?"
"Oh, that! Yeah. I forgot."
Everyone groaned. "Stephen!"
Jon whined. "Do you know how much time we've just wasted?"
Steve's hand shot up in
the air. "I know! Call on me!"
Jon sighed. "Steve?"
Another round of groans
from the gang.
Mo shook his head and spread
out the map on the TDS desk. "Look. According to Wi-" he cleared his throat.
"Bill, the path to Kathie Lee's lair starts just under our fire escape right
outside the building."
"Which building?" Steve
"Our building. Please stay
focused, Steve. If we follow it closely, it leads through the seedy underground
of the city and eventually to Kathie Lee's compound somewhere near the East
"No wonder that river is
so polluted," Lauren said.
Mo rolled up the map. "Okay,
so...shall we get started?"
"I say we get...you know,
a little freshened up before we go," Kilborn spoke up. "We're all getting a
little ripe in this leather."
"Good point. Okay," Mo said,
"We shower, we change, and we go. Any questions?"
"Good. We shall meet up
back here in exactly two hours. Got that? Two hours. No earlier, no later. That
"Hey, wait a minute," Colbert
held up his hands, then pointed a finger at Mo. "Who made you the head of operations?"
"You did, Stephen," Mo replied.
"Oh. Right. Damn, I'm good!"
Mo sighed. "Okay, everyone.
Two hours. Be here, or Jon could die."
Everyone scattered, and
as Jon watched them go, suddenly decided that he didn't want to go home alone.
Jon thought of Shamsky, Monkey, Stan, and that other one ... what was it ...
oh yeah, Tracey, and he got choked up as he realized that he might be seeing
them for the last time. He couldn't go home. He didn't want them to seem him
Jon grabbed Stephen. "Hey,
Stephen, you don't live that far from here ... and isn't your wife out of town?
Do you mind if I go to your place?"
"Yeaaaaaah," said Stephen
slowly. "Jon, I know we're 'best buds' and all, but I really prefer the poon,
Jon sighed. "No, I just
don't want to have to upset everyone at my house, and I know that you live nearby,
so I wanted to shower there."
said Stephen, slapping Jon on the back. "What's a best bud for?" He pointed
at Jon, and Jon pointed back at him. They roared with laughter and butted chests,
just like old times. They walked out of the building, punching each other and
Once at Stephen's apartment,
Jon decided to use the shower while Stephen decided to use jacuzzi number two
(jacuzzi number one being out of order at the time). Jon pulled off his black
leather vest and pants. He stepped into the shower and turned on the hot water.
He sighed with pleasure as the steamy water poured down his body. He could just
make out Stephen singing "Soul Man" in the living room while splashing in the
It didn't feel real. Jon
couldn't believe that he was about to go into battle with Kathie Lee for what
was hopefully the last time. He could die today. It pained him. He held his
head in his hands and tried to let the hot water soothe away his fears. Even
if he died, Jon understood deep down inside that at least it would have been
for a worthy cause. Kathie Lee would torment the world no more. The Christmas
specials would end, the Cody stories would stop, and the Carnival Cruise Line
would finally free itself from its self-imposed prison.
Jon straightened his shoulders
and picked up the shampoo. He knew what he had to do. He had to fight. Jon lathered
up his hair, then soaped up his loofah spong and started exfoliating his chest.
He had finished with his armpits and chest and was about to go to town on his
ankles when he realized that Stephen had stopped singing.
"Stephen?" Jon called out,
opening the shower door a crack. The bathroom door was slightly ajar. Jon frowned.
He thought he had shut it. Jon turned off the water. "Stephen?" he called again.
Jon stepped out of the shower.
The shampoo dripped into his eyes a bit as he grabbed for a towel. He cautiously
approached the door. As he reached out his hand to grasp the knob, the door
suddenly blasted open, knocking him to the ground. He looked up and screamed
at the sight of ....
"Oh, thank God!" Jon said,
relaxing slightly. "Chris, you scared me half to death."
Rock threw him a towel.
"That would explain the shrinkage."
Jon gasped and covered himself.
"So, what are you doing here?"
Rock sat up on the counter
and crossed his arms. "I'll talk to you after you get that soap off and get
Jon sighed. "Well, Chris,
you're the one who came in the BATHROOM to find me.. what else did you expect?!?!?"
While Jon washed the soap
off himself he listened to Chris sound out his new material on the baby he and
his wife just had. "Funny stuff, Rock." He said, stepping out, covered in his
"Thanks," Rock said, throwing
Jon's newly washed jeans and t-shirt.
Jon got dressed quickly
in the bathroom while Chris waited for him in Stephen's bedroom. "So, what are
you doing here?"
Rock turned and glared at
him. "What the hell is wrong with you!?"
Jon looked down at himself.
"Oh, sorry!" He said, zipping up the fly in his worn-out jeans. "My bad, man."
"No!" Rock shouted, poking
Jon in the chest. "You left me!"
Jon looked up at him. "We
did? I thought you were sleeping at Rosie's!"
Rock shook his head. "No,
damnass! I was knocked the hell out by a freakazoid midget in the bedroom!"
Jon's mouth hung open. "Oh,
Chris.. I'm sorry!"
Rock nodded. "I can't believe
I show up, save your ass, and you just f@#$ing abandon me!!!"
Jon felt awful. Truth be
told, he'd simply forgotten that Chris was even there...
((Actually, I believe the
//Shut up, Kelly, this is
a cracked out longass story, cut us some slack!!\\
"I'm truly sorry, Rock.
I... I honestly forgot to even check." He stepped forward and touched the bandage
on Rock's head. "Are you alright?" He asked, concerned.
Rock sighed. "S'alright,
I'm tough. Forget about it..."
Jon shook his head. "No..
No it's not.... c'mere." He said, taking Rock's arm and leading him into the
bathroom. He pulled off the bandage and looked at it in the light. "Here, see
if Stephen has some Hydrogen Peroxide, I'll see if he has another bandage."
As Jon pulled out a bandage
he heard Rock scream. "What?! What?!" He yelled.
Chris held up a rather large...
something. "Can I just say, your friend Stephen is a SICK puppy!"
Jon swatted it away as Rock
threatened to touch his face with it. "Looks like the bubble gun dildo ain't
the only dildo Stephen's got."
Quickly Jon re-dressed Rock's
wound and they hugged. "Sorry I left ya man."
Rock shrugged. "It's alright,
got some good sleep. Nothing like a good knock on the head to bring on the heavy
Jon nodded. "So, where's
Rock looked around. "Oh,
I meant to ask you that. He didn't answer the door.. in fact, the door was open,
and he never answered me when I called him.
Jon suddenly got a sick
feeling in the pit of his stomach. "STEPHEN?!!!" He yelled, sprinting out of
the bathroom, Rock right behind him.
"Getcho cracka ass out here!"
"STEPH..." Jon suddenly
trailed off as he noticed something on the door. "Oh, shit on me..."
Rock looked at Jon. "Pardon
Jon walked up to the door.
"Oh, God..." He said, pulling down a torn piece of notebook paper pinned to
the door with a knife.
"Oh, shit!" Rock said. "I
didn't even notice that!"
Jon covered his mouth and
felt tears come to his eyes as he read it...
Well, my pet Jonny-boy.
You got rid of my Mini-Me, but you cannot get rid of me so easily. If you want
to see your precious Colbert alive, you'll do as I say. I'll be contacting you,
sweet cheeks... --Kathie Lee
Jon wiped at his tears
and took a deep breath. "Damnit.. God Damnit..."
Rock was already on his
cell phone. "Carell? Yeah, you gotta get over here.. yeah.. yeah, this is Rock...
no no, not THE Rock, CHRIS Rock... YES, the black guy, you stupid f... alright
forget it, just get your ass over to Colbert's house!"
"No matter where ... you
go ... I will find you!" sang Jon, tearfully humming the theme to Last of
Everyone was getting just
a little tired of Jon's singing. Their torches flickered in the damp tunnel
air as they raced along the slippery ledge along the river of sewage towards
"This is quite ironic, really,"
Mo commented. "We all stink again, probably worse than before. By my calculations,
we would have vanquished evil over an hour ago and lost no one in the process
had we not stopped to bathe. Your great movie men never bathe. One never sees
Indiana Jones or James Bond bathing shortly before saving the world. We are
certainly not the epitome of great heroism. It is a well-known fact that Ghengis
Kahn went years without --"
"Shut up!" screamed Craig.
His temper was short, he smelled like people poo, and his hair was frizzing
out of control. He was also getting nervous. He could feel the presence of the
Putrid Puppy Eater. The vibrations of her unhallowed soul brought back the memories
of his horrible past alliance with her. The endless nights of Broadway tunes
... the never-ending lip-smacking and gnawing of the helpless squirming puppies
... the complaints about Frank's impotence ... it never stopped. Craig's left
eye began to twitch as he remembered those agonizing horrible days.
"What's his problem?" Rock
whispered to Lauren.
"We're all gonna die!" whimpered
Lauren. "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
"Ooooookay," said Rock,
edging closer to Matt. "What's her problem?"
"We're all gonna die!" whimpered
Matt. "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
A bright flash of light
stopped the group in its tracks. When everyone regained their sight, a large
barrel was in front of them. And around the barrel were four young women. Hot
women. Holding on to the barrel. Which was moving. A lot.
"Oh my God!" screamed Kelly.
"Who sent us here?! We've been betrayed! Someone has infiltrated the Command
"It was Agent 142!" screamed
Melly. "She was the only one who didn't know that Jon was Jewish! Remember?
We almost kicked her out? I saw her running towards the Command Center!"
"That's right!" screamed
Sara J. "She kept singing, 'If they could see me now, about to have some fun.
Helping Kathie Lee and helping kill that Jon.' I was about to say something,
but then the midget almost knocked that barrel over!"
"We're all gonna die!" screamed
Annie. "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
"Who the hell are you people?!"
shouted Jon, waving his torch.
The top of the barrel blew
off. The four hot women screamed and made mad dash towards Jon. They got behind
his strong, muscular body, held on to his shirt, and peeked around to watch.
Smoke and heat emanated from the barrel opening. A deformed head slowly arose
from the mist. The scarred and evil face had eyes that glowed red. Yellow spittle
dripped from her jaws. Mini-Lee crawled slowly and carefully out of the barrel,
her eyes dead-set on Jon Stewart.
She reached back into the
barrel, pulled out the giant shard of glass, and began her deliberate approach.
She smiled slightly and grasped the glass tightly in her hands.
"Conan?" said Jon, nervously.
"I think maybe we need to launch one of those Koosh Balls. Like, uh, now!"
Rock's phone rang. He answered.
"Hello?" said Kathie Lee. "Give me Craig."
Rock handed the phone to
Craig, keeping one eye on Mini-Lee. "It's for you," muttered Rock.
Craig shuddered. He knew
who it was. He put the phone to his ear.
"Kilby?" Kathie purred.
"Sweetheart? You thought you could betray me and get away with it? Well, my
little girl is about to shred all of you, but it's not too late for you, dear.
You can save yourself you know. Just do me one ... little ... favor ...."
By Sara J
The situation was moving all too fast for Craig: Midgets, Kathie Lee, puppies,
sewers, agents? Agents of what? Although, that dark-haired one with the brown
eyes was a fox. In a dorky sort of way.
"Craig, sweetie? I know
you can hear me," Kathie Lee's voice garbled through the phone. Suddenly, Rock
grabbed it back.
"Hey, wait a damn minute!
How the hell did you get this number, woman?"
"You give back that phone
or you'll be the first to go, Rock!" Kathie Lee hissed.
"All right, all right, don't
throw a hissy fit, damn."
He handed the phone back
"It's too late for them,
doll. You know it, I know it, they know it," Kathie Lee went on. "But you can
save yourself. Listen to me. All you have to do...is lead them to tunnel five.
You remember how to get to tunnel five, don't you? Of course you do. Happy trails,
Craig was about to click
off the phone when Kathie Lee spoke up, "Oh, and don't get any cute ideas. Wait,
look who I'm talking to! You don't have the spine to challenge me." She cackled.
"I almost forgot. Just do as you're told, and you'll get out alive. See you
Staring blankly at the scene
in front of him, Craig clicked off the phone and handed it off to Rock, who
was braced for a midget assault.
Just as the mini-Lee was
about the rip the gang to shreds, something beeped and she stopped, bringing
a hand to her ear. She nodded a few times while the gang stood frozen. When
she took her hand from her ear, she snarled and barked at the troupe, and then
scuttled off into the darkness.
The troupe looked around
at each other, and Conan, who was aiming Koosh-Launchin' Jesus, put Jesus and
the Koosh Balls of Justice back in the box, which was secured to him by a shoulder
strap (which he was teased mercilessly for by the rest of the gang).
"What the f*bleep* was that?!"
Silence as all eyes fell
to the four hot women who had walked back to overturned barrel.
"We're gonna need some stronger
containment devices," Annie said.
"Yeah. Who's idea was this
barrel anyway?" Melly asked. Kelly pointed to Sara J.
"So?" Sara said. "You were
gonna chuck her in the dumpster out back behind the agency! Yeah, that really
would have held her. The lid's plastic, Kel!"
This sent the four women
into a snit about whose dumb idea was the dumbest and who was the tardiest tard
of the tards and all other such moronic whatnot.
"Okay, that's it," Jon interrupted
loudly, startling the ladies. "Who are you people? I've seen every one of you
at some point or another, and then you just disappear in this flash of light
like it's entirely normal for...people to go around disappearing in flashes
of light! Who are you?! I want answers, and I want them now!"
Kelly sauntered up to Jon
and stuck a finger through his belt loop. He looked over at her, then to the
other side where Melly was standing. "Did anyone ever tell you you're sexy when
you're forceful?" Melly asked. He immediately looked down and shuffled his feet.
"And you're cute when you do that!" Kelly said.
Sara J. was standing over
a puddle of water re-applying lip gloss to her perma-chapped lips and straightening
out her necklace.
"Hey, how come Jon gets
the hot chicks?" Steve asked. Nancy smacked him in the arm.
Annie stepped forward. "If
you must know, we are the agents of a highly-skilled and elite--" she paused
and glared at the other three, who couldn't help but laugh at that description,
and they shut up. "And elite intelligence agency. You don't know us, we don't
know you. But we're helping you. Or...trying our damnedest to. And now we must
She and the flirtatiously
waving Kelly and Melly walked back to where they had come in. Annie was about
to start the teleport when Sara J. ran out of the circle. "Wait...there's something
I gotta do."
Annie rolled her eyes. "Whatever
it is, it can wait!"
"No, it can't! It's driving
She skidded to a stop in
front of Craig, reached into her endless pocket (think Felix the Cat's bag of
tricks) and whipped out a handy-dandy bottle of John Freida Sheer Blonde Dream
Creme. She yanked him down to her level by his tie, and proceeded to de-frizz
and spike out his hair.
"There," she said, letting
him stand up again. Annie, Kelly and Melly rolled their eyes and sighed. She
was so hopeless. "Reduces static flyaways, helps to smooth frayed, split ends,
and maximizes shine and highlights." She looked up at Craig and tossed him the
bottle. "Keep it. You're gonna need it. And I can't be chasing you down every
time you have a strand out of place."
"I'm turning on the teleport!"
"Now I know where I've seen
you before!" Craig said, remembering the girl on Rock's helicopter who'd had
this bizarre preoccupation with his hair enough to rival his own. She turned
and smiled, giving a wink before jumping into the increasingly bright light
eminating from the device in Annie's hand.
"Dude, you need a hobby,"
"Or a better one than the
one you've got!" Melly added.
"Hey, shut up," Sara J.
said. "Like you've never been inordinately fascinated by someone you don't know
but can't seem to help being drawn to anyway, you Jon Stewart Intelligence Agents
"F*bleep* you!" Kelly and
Melly cleverly retorted as Annie sighed heavily and the light flashed them out
said. "So, which way to our deaths?"
Mo consulted the map. "According
to this, we should be heading for tunnel five." He turned to Craig. "You've
been here, you know where tunnel five is, don't you?"
All eyes on him, Craig slowly
walked to the head of the troupe. "Yeah...it's this way. Follow me..."
And off they went, further
into the abyss that was Kathie Lee's sewer lair.
"Be careful," Mo said, tapping
away on his computer. "According to my calculations, there is a big booby trap
somewhere around here."
Steve giggled, "He said
booby! Big booby!"
"Steve!" Jon sighed. "Ok,
no one touch anything."
"Hey, look!" Conan said.
"It's a Jesus! Someone threw a Jesus down here!"
Everyone spun around to
face Conan, but it was too late, his long, pale, albino hand seemed almost to
go in slow motion as one pigment-void finger gently caressed Jesus' sandal.
"Conan, NOOOOO!" Everyone
screamed as the floor dropped out beneath them and they began to fall, and fall,
"Oomph!" Jon shouted as
he landed on something soft.
"Mommy!" Steve shouted,
landing on top of him.
"Holy crackas!" Rock cried,
landing on Conan who was shouting something in gaelic.
"Argh..." everyone groaned
as the picked themselves up off the floor.
"Where ARE we?" Lauren asked,
rubbing her bottom and fixing her thong.
"My glasses!" Mo cried,
"I lost my glasses! I'm blind!"
"My finger!" Lewis shouted,
"I broke my finger! I'm ruined!"
"We're gonna die, we're
gonna die, we're gonna die," Matt whimpered, peeing himself.
"Everyone shut up!" Craig
said from under Jon, who had landed on top of him. "Just keep calm and we'll
figure this out."
Everyone quieted down and
looked around them. They had fallen into a deep, dark pit with no windows, no
exits and perhaps most unfortunately for Matt--no bathrooms.
"Well...it's not that bad..."
Conan tried to say cheerfully as Nancy and Steve held Lewis back.
"Ok," Jon said, thinking.
"So we're trapped deep in an underground pit, being stalked by a stark raving
mad washed up talk show host. There's no means of escape and no one knows we're
here. What to do, what to do..."
Suddenly the ceiling creaked
above them as it slowly started moving downward.
"AHHH!" everyone screamed.
"Ok, well it can't get worse!"
Jon tried to say cheerfully.
All of a sudden, a hundred
jagged spikes popped up from the floor and ceiling, making everyone jump back
and ripping Lauren's skirt.
"Hey!" Lauren said, now
standing in only her thong. Then, she shrugged. "Oh well, I'm hot."
"Help! Help! I'm too black
to die!" Rock cried.
"DO SOMETHING!" Jon shouted
at Kilborn. "And HURRY!" he added, pressing himself against the wall to get
out of the way of the large spike slowly coming down upon himself and the others....
The relentless steel creaked and groaned as the spikes pressed closer and
closer together. The group pressed themselves to the ground, wrapping their
bodies around the spikes in the floor, praying, singing, and weeping.
Meanwhile, back at JSIA
"You like that, huh?" shouted
Annie. Melly held Agent 142's left leg, Kelly held 142's right leg, and Sara
J. 142's head cheek-down on the ground. Annie gave Agent 142's underwear a particularly
violent tug. The panties were just about halfway up 142's back. The atomic wedgie
was almost complete.
Meanwhile, back at Spike-Laden
The spikes moved closer
and closer to our heroes! How would they ever escape? Would anyone ever rescue
them? If not, who, if anyone, would clean up the terrible mess afterwards? Melly?
With her mop and Lysol? And would it be pine or lemon scented?
Meanwhile, back at JSIA
Annie held Agent 142 down
as Kelly, Melly, and Sara busied themselves filling up 142's pants with shaving
cream. Fortunately, the cans had been on sale at Target two for a dollar, so
they were already up to a dozen cans. Agent 142 squirmed and squirmed to no
Meanwhile, back at Spike-Laden
Oh, the agony of despair!
How short their lives had been! How many moments did they now remember with
regret as their deaths looked them straight in eye and shrieked with mocking
laughter? If only they had told their mothers that they loved them one last
time! If only they had hugged their fathers before this hideous end! If only
they had gone ahead and had sex with their cousins, even if it was wrong! The
opportunities lost! The gift of life -- gone!
Meanwhile, back at JSIA
Having knocked Agent 142
out with a Unisom/TylenolPM/Nyquil cocktail, all the agents could barely suppress
their giggles as they carefully placed 142's hand in warm water.
Meanwhile, back at Spike-Laden
The spikes groaned and squealed.
The entire group, cowering
on the ground, looked up in surprise.
"Oh my god!" they heard
Kathie Lee scream in the distance. "Those f**kers didn't stagger the spikes!
They better give me my goddamn money back!"
The spikes from the ceiling
had perfectly met the spikes in the ground and had come to a screeching halt.
Some of the spikes had bent tips from the pressure, but the ceiling had completely
ceased to fall. (This is what happens when you don't hire union dungeon builders
and rely instead on the Minions of Evil's Dungeons 'R Us contractors.)
The group heard Kathie's
harsh muttering. Then it stopped. They slowly and carefully started grouping
towards the middle of the room. And that's when the water started pouring in.
"Christ on a cracker," groaned
By Sara J
"I don't wanna die, Stephen!"
"Me either, Stevo," Colbert
said, for once holding his friend instead of pushing him back. "Me either."
"You know..." Steve said,
"One last time, I just want you to know..."
"I love you, Stephen. You're...like
a brother to me."
"Oh...well, one last time,
I want you to know, Steve..." Stephen said. Steve looked up at him.
"You..." Colbert began.
He snickered and shoved Steve. "Are such a puss!"
Meanwhile, Jon turned to
Craig. "You gotta get us out of here!"
Craig didn't answer, but
merely looked up and around as the water rose higher and higher around them.
"We're gonna die," Mo, nearby,
said. "I can't see, but we're gonna die. I can feel it."
Jon looked over at Kilborn.
"You...you led us into this! I knew we couldn't trust you! We're gonna die,
and it's all because of you! Well, it's not gonna be that easy, pal. If we're
going down, you're coming with us!"
Jon jumped up to try and
pull Craig down, but alas, he couldn't reach. Nevertheless, he continued to
jump like a kid trying to reach the countertop.
Suddenly, Craig snapped
his fingers. "That's it!"
He grabbed Jon by the wrist
and ran sloshing through the water, dragging the little Jew behind him. When
he finally stopped at the other end of the cavern, Jon yanked his arm away.
"What the f*bleep* is wrong
with you?!" he yelled.
"Jon, look up--"
"I mean, I know you're trying
to kill us and all, but do you have the scare the hell out me first?"
"Jon, look up--!"
"Really! It's just not necessary!
I mean, just let us die and get it over wi--ow!"
At this point, Craig yanked
Jon's head back by his hair so he had no choice but to look up. There, several
feet above them, was a vast, dark opening in the wall.
"Oh. What's that?"
"That is the entryway to
tunnel seven. It's our only chance to get out of here alive. The water trap
fills to the top and tunnel seven closes."
"But there's no way to get
up there!" Jon countered.
Craig smirked. "Isn't there?"
Right where he was standing,
Craig pulled a brick out of the wall and punched in a code on the keys that
lay beneath. Like magic, stone stairs leading up to tunnel seven seemed to grow
out of the wall.
"Woah. Secrets. Is the whole
lair built like this?"
"Who knew Kathie Lee had
access to that kind of technology..."
Craig rolled his eyes. "Okay,
"And if she does, why is
she operating from a sewer?"
Jon shut up and looked at
"Look, just grab the others
so we can get the f*bleep* out of here!"
Jon nodded and circled around
the cavern, half running, half-swimming, and pulling everyone into following
him back to Craig. By the time they got back to him, nobody could stand on the
cavern floor with their heads above water.
One by one, they climbed
up the stairs until the rapidly rising water lapped at tunnel seven's edge and
Craig pulled a lever that closed a spiral door at the entrance to the tunnel.
Jon looked at Craig. "I...that
is, I...sorry? I'm sorry."
Kilborn didn't answer, but
stood up and wrung out his tie. "From here, we have three ways to go," he began.
"What about a threeway?"
Stephen spoke up.
Lewis smacked him upside
his head. "Drain the water out of your ears, moron!" he snapped.
"Craig, I--" Jon started,
but Kilborn cut him off.
"We can either go down this
tunnel, we can climb up..." he walked over to a hole in the tunnel's roof, "Through
there, which leads to tunnel twelve, or we can go through..." he walked a ways
down to another tunnel opening, "This way, which leads...hell, I don't know.
Mo straightened his bowtie.
"Has anyone seen my glasses?" he asked. "I sincerely hope they weren't left
in that water trap..."
"Craig, I--" Jon started
again, but stopped when Kilborn reached into his pocket, pulled out a pair of
black-framed glasses and tossed them in Mo's direction.
"Catch," he said mockingly.
Mo reached out blindly and nearly dropped the glasses once, twice, thrice when
he caught them, and then put them on.
"Okay, so...which way?"
"Where does tunnel twelve
lead?" Nancy asked.
"To the heart of the beast,
my friend," Craig said. "Kathie's control center."
"Ooh, that sounds dangerous!"
Steve said, cowering behind Nancy.
"So..." Mo said, looking
up at the entrance to tunnel twelve. He looked over his shoulder to Conan. "Still
got those Koosh balls, Conan?"
"Complete with Koosh-Launchin'
Jesus," Conan said.
"Great," Mo replied. "Then
to qoute one of the greatest superheroes of all time..."
He glanced over his shoulder
"Let's get dangerous."
Carell hung onto Colbert
for dear life. "Oh, Colbey.. I'm so scared!"
Jon stopped dead in his
tracks, pulling Rock back. "Damn boy, whatchu trying to do?!" Rock yelled.
Jon motioned for him to
be quiet. "Rock, who's Carell hanging onto?"
Rock rolled his eyes. "Uh,
Jon? You lost it cracka! That's Colbert!" he said in a stage whisper.
Jon nodded, his eyes flashing
"Oh shit." Rock said, catching
on. "But... Colbert's been..."
"Kidnapped." Jon said, nodding,
"Where the f@#$ did he come
from?!" Rock said, tensing his body up.
Jon shrugged. "I don't know..
I guess maybe when we all fell?"
Rock nodded. "Yeah, it was
all pretty hectic then... but why wouldn't he say something?"
"Cause it's not Colbert,
Rock." Jon said, grabbing Conan's belt loop and pulling him back.
Rock shrugged. "So, what,
it's Pod Colbert?"
Conan looked at the two.
"What the hell, Jon? Did you just grab my ass?"
Jon took his hand out of
Conan's belt loop. "No! Look, somehow Colbert came back."
Conan looked up at Steve
hanging onto Colbert. "Wha... how the.. how did we not notice that?!"
Jon shrugged. "I don't know!"
Suddenly Steve shouted.
"You're not Colbert!"
Colbert, or, not... looked
aghast. "Ofcourse I am Stevo!"
"First of all, Stephen never
calls me Stevo! And second of all, where's your best friends forever medallion?!"
Colbert-not rolled his eyes.
"Christ, you guys ahve medallions? How gay can three heterosexual, married,
Steve welled up with tears,
folding his arms. "Who are you?!"
Jon, Rock, and Conan ran
up. "Who are you and why are pretending to be Colbert?!"
Pod-Colbert ripped off his
face. "What gave me away?" He said, flashing his pearly whites.
"Tom CRUISE?!!!" Jon yelled,
Tom nodded. "Thanks to John
Woo and Mission Impossible, I now have the capability to look like anyone I
want to!" He stepped off of his two foot leg extentions and stood at his correct
"My god! Whatever for, Tom?!"
Jon yelled, totally taken off guard.
"You were mean to Rosie!
You called her fat!" Steve yelled, pouting.
Tom turned icey eyes to
Jon. "Because I hate you, Stewart... I AM NOT FOUR INCHES TALL! I AM THE SAME
HEIGHT AS YOU! FIVE FREAKING FOOT SEVEN!"
Jon snorted. "Well, what
with my Eyes being Wide Shut and all, I couldn't tell..."
"I'll get you Stewart!"
Cruise said, lunging at Jon...
Jon screams in fright and
puts his arms up to shield himself from the collision. But in confusion he lowers
his arms as there is no blow after a few seconds.
He finds that there is a
badly beaten body on the ground with another kneeling beside him and... Punching
his lights out! Ironically its Steve Carell flinging the shots in furious anger!
"YOU-- DIRTY-- COTTON--
PICKING-- MOTHER-- F'ING-- COLBERT-- IMPOSTER!!!" he cries in agony, punching
one punch between each word.
"Ew..." "Ouchie!" "That's
gotta hurt!" "He'll feel that one in the morning!" "Nice Carell!" "Throw them
punches like your momma taught you!" Conan and Rock say between Steve's words,
switching off so each can make their own comment.
Jon stands still in awe
at the sight before him. To imagine... All that pent up anger, rage, and sadness
could be no longer held in by the ever-gentle Carell. Obviously someone had
broken the dam...
Steve finally collapsed
to the floor in exhaustion. He curled up into a fetal position and cried into
Nancy's pant cuff. Cruise, hurt and battered, reached out a quivering hand toward
Jon. "You and I," Cruise hissed through his blood-stained lips, "are brotherssss
Jon shook his head. "Look,
Tom, you're a scientologist, I'm a Jew. It's just not realistic, you know? I
don't believe you."
Cruise made an impatient
gesture. "No, no .... you and I ... like midgets ... like Sylvester Stallone
... call them, Jon ... call ... them ...." Cruise then died, much like his performances
in the vast majority of his movies.
"What the f**k is he talking
about?" wondered Jon.
Craig cleared his throat.
Everyone turned to look at him. "Kathie has a lot of tricks up her sleeve,"
said Craig. "She consulted the Oracle of 'Oliness a few years ago and learned
that a five foot seven inch man would lead all the little people to the Promise
Land and eradicate evil from the earth. Fearing for her safety, Kathie then
rounded up all the little people she could and brainwashed them against you,
Jon. By the time she was done with them, they were willing to do her every bidding,
including pulling helpless people from a shattered van."
"That's how she got them
to kidnap us before!" cried Steve.
"Yes, you're very smart,"
snapped Craig. "Now shut up." Steve sniffled, then reburied his face in Nancy's
pants. "Kathie lost control of the midgets since they went out on their own,
and she hasn't had the power to regroup them since. But the Oracle revealed
that any man of diminuitive stature could summon the great power of the little
people. You, Jon, have that power."
"What the f**k are you talking
about?" said Jon.
"When the time comes, you
can call them," said Craig.
"But how?" asked Jon.
"I don't know," confessed
Craig. "We'll just have to find out. Now let's get a move on."
With that, everyone started
down Tunnel 12.
Note: I had just finished typing a lengthy and amusing addition when I somehow,
deleted it. I am now pissed off. The following is short due to my irritation.
Leaving the dead, rumoredly
gay and sterile superstar behind, the crew headed down the dark tunnel.
AFter walking for what seemed
like hours, they began to hear a voice far off in the distance.
They strained to hear. Was
"I know too many horny sluts
"STEPHEN!" they yelled,
running down the tunnel. After turning a corner, they found him, strapped to
a table with a buzz saw slowly moving towards his crotch--Bond style.
"Oh God!" Stephen cried,
"Thank you! Save my dick! Forget me, save Willy! Hang on, Willy!"
Jon ran up to the table
and fiddled with the lock. "It's no use! We need a key!" he said helplessly.
Craig immediately took out
his cellphone. "This is a job for Bob Saget!" he said, dialing a number.
Everyone stared, even Stephen,
"BOB SAGET?!?" Everyone
"Zip it!" Craig said, dialing
his phone. "Hi, is Bob there? This is Craig....Sags! How the hell are ya?"
"Sags?" Lewis said, nursing
his finger "Boy are you two a couple of fruits or what."
Craig went on, "Didja get
my fruit basket? Great! Yeah, I got the bathrobe you sent over, you were right,
it is soft...(giggling)...you are SO funny!"
"Excuse me," Colbert said
from the corner. "But in a matter of minutes I am going to be excruciatingly
de-wangified before dying a slow, bloody, agonizing death. So you think you
can SPEED THINGS UP A BIT!?"
"Sags, I'm sorry, I'll have
to be Frank...(giggling)..ok, you can be Nancy. Anyway, I'm down in a sewer
owned and maintained by Kathie Lee with the gang from the Daily Show, Chris
Rock and Conan O'Brien...what? Yes, I know all my stories start out that way,
but just listen. Kathie Lee's got Colbert hooked up to something, I dunno what
it is, a meat slicer, gonna chop his willy off...what? yeah, that would hurt,
I know. But we need you down here. I know you can stop it....huh? Let me ask."
Craig cupped a hand over
his phone and said, "He wants to know how he's going to get here."
Everyone looked at each
other. They hadn't thought of that.
"I know!" Jon said. "Those
girls! Where are they? How do we get them back? HEY!" Jon shouted, waving at
the ceiling. "HELLO!"
"Jon," Lauren said, calmly
stepping forward. "They're women, I'm a woman, let me handle this." Clearing
her throat, she looked up at the ceiling and shouted, "JON IS HORNY AND HAS
NO PANTS ON!"
Immediately, four figures
fell from the ceiling in a flash of light. Scrambling to get up from the floor,
they clawed at each other to get to Jon first.
"I'm the president of the
"I've seen his stand up
show THREE times!"
"Big deal! Let us have a
"Dammit Sara, let go of
Lauren put her fingers in
her mouth and whistled. Colbert notcied for the first time that she was wearing
a button down shirt and a thong. "Hey, Weedie, nice rags, you dirty slut."
"Stephen, I'll speed that
de-wangification up, I mean it," she said calmly. "Ladies, Jon would like to
speak with you."
The girls turned eagerly
towards their Adonis, Kelly giving Annie another shove for good measure.
"I knew it, you're divorcing
Tracey and taking me as your wife!" Melly said eagerly.
The other girls snickered.
"Hey, it could happen!" she said indignantly.
"Actually, it's Craig who
needs you guys," Jon said, wondering how they knew his wife's name
Sara sighed, "It's his hair,
"Ladies, I need you to use
your teleportation device and bring Bob Saget here, " Craig said. "Please, we
need him to help Stephen."
The four stared at Craig,
then at each other.
"Are you SURE you're not
gonna marry me?" Melly asked Jon.
"Bob Saget," Annie fumed.
"I want to kill him off."
"Honey, your hair IS mussed!"
Sara said to Craig.
"C'mon, just yell something,
anything. It's so cute. Let's try dammit." Kelly was saying to Steve.
They were all interrupted
by an uncontrollable weeping coming from the corner. "I...love...my...dick..."
"Oh fine," Annie said. "You
men and your preoccupation your damn equipment. Where's Boob, anyway?"
"Bob," Craig corrected.
"Whatever," Annie said.
Annie pulled a small device
that resembled a palm pilot out of her pocket. She pressed a few buttons and
a tiny monitor popped out of the middle of the device. The monitor glowed blue.
"FREE WILLY!" screamed Stephen,
struggling against his bonds. "FREE WILLY!"
"I need a transport," said
"So how big was it?!" screamed
an excited female voice from the monitor.
"I didn't see it," said
Annie, sadly. A chorus of disappointed groans emanated from the monitor. Melly
wiped away tears. Kelly sniffled. Sara took out a comb. Annie punched a few
keys and pushed a large button. The monitor flickered red and slid back into
"I'M TOO YOUNG FOR A SCHLONGECTOMY!"
There was a bright flash
of light, and there, in all his glory, was ... BOB DENVER!
"Gilligan!" Steve cried
"Oh crap!" said Kelly, grabbing
the device from Annie. Kelly quickly punched in a few keys.
Another flash of light produced
John Denver, carrying a guitar.
"What the f--" shouted Melly,
grabbing the device from Kelly
Another flash of light produced
John Wayne, who, dead, was of little use.
"Sunshine..." sang John
"I LOVE YOU PETER JOHNSON!"
Sara started combing Craig's
hair, lightly stroking his ear with her fingers.
"on my shoulders..."
Annie grabbed the device
and punched in more keys. Stephen disappeared in a flash of light then reappeared
on the ground near John Denver.
"Why didn't I think of that?"
said Craig, not noticing Sara leaning in to bite his earlobe. "Ow!"
"makes me happeee!"
Stephen let out an ear-piercing
shriek and grabbed his crotch. He jumped to his feet and shouted with joy. "I'm
am the Wang Mastah!" he yelled. "The Weiner King! The Jumpin' Johnson!" He wiggled
his ass and danced with utter abandon.
After Colbert had finished
his Dance of the Seven Wangs, he turned to everyone with a huge smile on his
face. "Magic Johnson is secured. We can go kill Kathie Lee now."
Jon rolled his eyes and
turned to the four drop-dead gorgeous agents. "Thank you so much for helping
us. How can I ever repay you?"
The four agents exchanged
evil grins with each other. "Uh...we'll let you know." Annie said, suppressing
"Yeah, we'll send you a
bill," Kelly said.
"And then you can drop it
in my slot!" Melly exclaimed.
Melly and Kelly giggled
together while Jon, completely unaware of what exactly the girls meant, shrugged.
"Uh...ok." he said.
Sara, meanwhile, was comforting
Kilby who was terribly disappointed that his good buddy, Saggy Bob, was not
coming after all. "Call me later, Sags. We need to dish!" he said, hanging up.
Steve was sucking his thumb
and rocking back and forth on the floor. When Nancy asked him what was wrong,
he said, "I see dead people!"
"Oh yeah," Nancy said, referring
to Bob Denver, John Wayne, and John Denver who were standing in the corner looking
confused. "What about them?"
"I can fix that!" Annie
said, taking out her device. With a couple clicks, all three were gone. "There
we go. Uh...Jon?" she said, trying not to giggle. "That's gonna cost extra."
Sara, Melly and Kelly had
to pinch each other to stop from laughing.
"Uh...sure." Jon said. "Like
I said, just send me the bill."
"We will," Sara said. "With
complete instructions on how to 'pay' it."
"Stop it!" Annie whispered,
punching some more buttons on her transport device. "Well, we're off, but we'll
be watching out for you. Don't hesitate to call if you need us."
Everyone waved as the four
girls stepped into the portal of light, still giggling about what they were
going to put on Jon's "bill". The last thing Jon heard was Kelly saying something
about a "handling fee".
Jon shook his head. "I wonder
how much it's gonna be?" he wondered.
Lauren and Nancy exchanged
a look and snickered. "Nothing you won't be able to pay, there Jonny." Lauren
"Ok," Jon said. "Well, where
do we go now?"
Suddenly everyone shivered
as a soft, electronic, computer-aided voice wafted towards them from Tunnel
14. "Jooooooon..." it said.
"We go that way, my friend,"
Colbert said. And the group pushed on into the blackness, always weary of midgets
and incredibly hot women.
Suddenly, the walls seemed
to shift and everyone fell silent except for Carell's whimpering, "Shut-up damn
it!" Lewis yells under his breath.
"Nobody, move..." Mo freezes
and everyone follows his suit.
Then, two dull lights seem
to flicker and blink within the dark hall. "Who the hell has blinking lamps?"
Matt questions walking forward down the tunnel.
Mo answers hurriedly, "Walsh,
those aren't lights..." as the pair of blinking lights multiplies and seems
to come closer up around the curved walls.
"Oh crap! They're f'ing
midgets!" Colbert shouts and begins to run back.
"LITTLE PEOPLE!!!" Lauren
corrects dramatically starting to run too.
"No, don't run! they'll
only come quicker!" Rocca shouts.
"We're all gonna die! We're
all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" Steve shouts clinging onto Nancy who only
utters, "Shit!" and follows Stephen.
//Back at the JSIA headquarters\\
Kelly bit on her nail. "Now
"What?" Sara said, dusting
off her worn Converse Shoes. "Damn tunnels... do you know how old these things
are?! Jeez, no more tunnels, they'll be RUINED!"
Mel sat hunched over the
screen of her computer. "Hmmm.. what's a good way of saying 'You owe me some
hot Jewish lovin' in technical-ish terms?"
"What the?" Sara said, finally
satisfied with her Converse's cleanness.
"For his bill.. I'm trying
to be witty and.. I got nothin!"
Kelly giggled. "I don't
know... dude... are we actually going to mail him a porno-bill?"
Mel laughed. "I don't know!
I just... was playing around! Leave me alone, whore!"
Annie sighed. "You two are
mean to each other."
"Ah, yes. Don't you love
it?" Mel said, turning back to the computer.
"It's out of love!" Kelly
"So, what were you saying
now what for, Kel?" Sara said, sitting down.
Kelly chewed on her bottom
lip. "Well, apparently Annie made Tom tell Jon that he could beckon the midgets..."
"Little people." Sara mumbled,
caught by the image of Craig on the screen.
"Midgets, okay? I don't
give a crud for PC crap.. Anyway, that he could beckon the midgets, and now
we have to somehow find some sort of mystic way for him to magically beckon
them?! I've never read Lord of the Rings! I'm not into fantasy! I GOT NOTHING!"
Sara looked at Kelly like
she was on crack. "Jesus, calm down freakazoid."
Kelly bit her lip. "But
it's such a good twist, and i can't think of anything!!!!!!!"
Annie sighed. "Well, I don't
know.. we'll think of something."
Kelly sighed. "I hope so,
cause I'm stressin."
Sara snorted. "Really? Couldn't
The midgets shoved Jon over
the edge of the river of sewage. Jon plunged into the filthy water. As he broke
through the surface for air, he noticed the others had been shoved in the water
with him. The entire group swirled in the muddy river of waste as the midgets
cackled and hooted above them.
The water continued to swirl,
which puzzled Jon because the river should have been flowing in one direction.
He then realized they were in a giant whirlpool. Walls had come down to seal
off this portion of the river into a pool, of sorts. Round and round they went,
faster and faster. A sudden cloud of white covered them all and the bubbled
the water. They were churned and thrown about in the water like helpless dolls.
Then they were spun about again so fast that they were pressed against the walls
of the pool.
A sudden cloud of bluish
liquid covered them all and they were suddenly showered with fresh water. Then
the spinning resumed and they were stuck against the pool walls again.
The spinning stopped, and
the group fell onto the floor in a damp pile. The floor of the now-empty pool
opened, dropping the screaming comics into a gigantic metal cylindrical tub.
It began to spin also. A fierce heat blazed from every direction. Jon clung
to Steve, who clung to Stephen, who tried to pull of Lauren's thong. Craig wept
as his hair stood on end from all the dampness and Conan cheered as his pompadour
got bigger and bigger.
Their skins nearly blistered
from the hot air. Then the floor of the tub opened and dropped then onto a gigantic
white towel. The poor, fluffy, cottony-soft, spring fresh group struggled to
And turned to see an impeccably
dressed woman standing in front of them, smiling.
"Martha Stewart!" screamed
Nancy. "Can you tell me the best way to create a ribbon board?"
Martha smiled lightly. "Not
right now. You are all creased and wrinkled. I have to fix that." Martha pulled
out from her behind back a gigantic iron, as long as the typical ironing board.
It was set to steam.
She walked towards the group
with a menacing smile, the iron pulsing and gurgling.
Jon suddenly pointed at Martha. "WAIT A MINUTE?!"
Martha looked around. "What?
Is there a wrinkle in my skirt?"
Jon laughed pointing at
her. "You're DEAD! HA! Craig killed you with his hairspray!"
Martha snorted. "Only holds
for up to 18 hours, Jon my friend. It's a good thing."
Craig hung his head. "True
story, Jon. Sorry."
She grabbed Jon by his hair
and with feirce, and surprising, strength, pulled him on top of a huge ironing
board, three flying midgets materializing and locking him down to the metallic
[[Oh... Jon tied down..
((Just write the story Kelly!))
[[Right, right, my bad...
((Carry on then!))
[[OKAY! CHRIST! Can't a
girl just lust for a moment in peace?!]]
"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!!"
Martha laughed maniacally,
then begin coughing, giving Jon a chance to think before being ironed.
"Damnit, if only I could
think of how to get them to my level!!!"
Steve clung onto Colbert.
"Stephen, she's gonna kill our Jonny!"
Stephen cleared his throat,
tightening an arm around Steve. "No she won't... everything will work out for
Steve looked up at him.
"How do you know?"
Stephen looked at him. "I
don't, but that's what you say in times like these. On the plus side, I think
the inpromtu wash cycle washed the piss out of my pants cause I smell IRISH
Mo looked at Stephen witheringly.
"It's Downey, you moron. Irish Spring is a soap."
"Okay, Mr. Know it all,
the operative word there was clean, kay?!"
by Sara J
Meanwhile, back at the JSIA...
The four hot agents stood
in a circle while Annie set the dials on her transporter.
"Okay, everyone ready? Hang
on!" Annie hollered dramatically.
"Dude, we've done this a
trazillion times," Sara said. "I think we've got the hang of it by now."
"Shut up," Annie hissed.
Flipping all the switches,
a bright blueish-white light began to fill the room.
"Hey, guys, what are--"
Agent 288727 walked back into the room carrying a tray of Long Island iced teas
and froze. "What's going on here?"
Annie flipped off the switches.
"We're off on a mission, Agent Elle. We know the lyrics, and we know how to
use them. Thank you for your help, and we must be off."
"Wait!" Agent Elle called.
"Can I come, too?"
The four agents exchanged
"Um...maybe on the next
one, Agent Elle," Annie said.
"Yeah, we're kinda old pros
at this point," Kelly said.
"We can't take the risk
of you getting hurt, or lost, or ki--er...well, yeah, killed," Melly added.
"We shouldn't be gone long,"
Annie said. "Then again, we might be out for days. We can't predict what'll
Agent Elle nodded. "I've
almost finished my JSIA training...but I suppose I should wait until my training
"That's the spirit, pepper!"
Sara said. Annie, Kelly and Melly turned to look at her.
Annie shook her head. "Anyway,
thank you again, Elle. Your help is highly appreciated. But we gotta go, like,
now, or the gang's dead where they stand."
She flipped on her transporter
and the blueish-white light began to flood the room again.
"Hang on!" Annie shouted
Sara rolled her eyes. "Okay,
hang on to what?"
The four agents argued back
and forth, too wrapped up in their bickering to notice Agent Elle creeping into
the transport light.
back with the gang...
"Somebody help me!" Jon
shrieked while Stephen and Mo argued over soap.
Conan could only stare at
Martha, transfixed by this powerful, domineering woman. The bad news? He was
the only one with the Koosh Balls that could destroy her.
"Where are those four hot
agent chicks?" Jon yelled. "They said they'd help us!"
As if on cue, a flash of
blueish-white light filled the area and the four ladies, still fighting, appeared.
Martha whirled around, evil
in her eyes and steam rising from her enormous iron. The four agents stopped
and stared. Sara dropped the finger she was pointing at Kelly.
Sensing their power, Martha
lunged at them with the iron. Annie was all set with the transporter, ready
to zap the domestic diva to Uzbekistan, but before she could hit the button,
Elle unplugged the iron.
"Elle?!" Annie yelled. "How
did you...why did you...I told you...!"
Martha reared back and grabbed
the new agent. She pulled out a sage green curtain sash and tied Elle to a nearby
"I'll deal with you later!"
Martha growled, and turned her attention back to the four agents. She plugged
her iron back in and aimed it at the Stephen, Stevo and the others.
"Move and die!"
"Okay, just get that thing
away from me," Colbert said. "You're steaming up my glasses."
"Yours and mine both," Mo
said, as he and Colbert slipped off their specs to wipe them on their jackets.
"I said move and die!" Martha
hissed, holding the iron closer to them. They held their hands up. She turned,
and they put their glasses back on. She turned back and eyed them...then turned
back to the four hot agents.
But they were gone.
She whirled around. Jon
was gone. Agent Elle was gone.
A flash of blueish-white
light. She spun back around. The gang was gone.
Martha let out an angry
howl and ran off down the tunnel in search of our heroes.
"Oh my GOD! That was CLOSE!" Stephen yelled.
Jon waved his hand in front
of his face. "Uh.. am I blind, or are we in the dark?"
A lighter lit up Kelly's
face and they all screamed. "CHRIST! Am I that scary to look at?!" She said,
"No.. no, y ou just.. startled
me.. reminds me of Halloween." Steve said, voice trembling.
"Annie, where the frig are
we?" Sara mumbled to Annie who was fiddling with her palm-pilot world-transmitter
"I don't know... this thing
is going haywire.. I wonder if we're near like, electrical wires or something."
Kelly rose her lighter up
and looked around. "AAAAAAAAAAA!" She screamed.
Jon, who was still trying
to get himself untied from the giant ironing board jumped and wound up making
the board fall from it's pegs and land on the floor with a loud thump.
"Annie! We're in a cave
and there's friggin' BATS!!!" Kelly squealed, shuddering and dropping her lighter.
"GREAT KELLY!" Sara yelled,
swatting her upside the head. "You just got rid of our only light source!"
"A cave? Bats? Uh.... Uh.........
I don't like bats." Steve cowered behind Stephen.
"Ugh..." Jon said, standing
up. "On the plus side, I seem to be off that ironing board, on the not so plus
side, I do believe I fell in bat guano."
"Guano?" Kilborn asked.
"Yes, that would be bat
shit, shit for brains." Lewis snarled at him.
"A cave? That's not right,
we were supposed to be back at the JSIA headquarters."
Elle said from a slight distance. "Could someone untie me?"
"OH!" Jon said, trying to
find her. "Keep talking, where are you?"
"I'm uh.. I'm right here?
I don't know.. what do you want from me, I'm just as in the dark as you are."
"Bah dum, bum." Kelly said,
making a mock drum roll, giggling to herself.
"Why are we in a CAVE?!"
Annie said, punching at her little palm pilot. "And why is this thing not coming
on?! It has a little light!!!!"
Sara finally closed her
hand around a small metal thing. "AHA!" She said, picking it up. "The lighter..."
She tried to click it, but instead cut herself. "OW!"
All of a sudden a light
came from Stephen's direction. "Stephen! You have a ligher?" Steve shouted.
"Yes, my friend, I do."
"Okay, well, guys" Jon said,
having freed Elle, "At least we're not about to be un-wrinkled anymore."
Elle came over to the other
agents. "I snuck on."
"Well, no shit Sherlock!"
Elle laughed. "Sorry?"
"Ah, forget that for now,
we gotta figure out why we're in a cave, what else is IN the cave, how to get
OUT of the cave, and where the cave is." Kelly said, looking around, using Stephen's
hand as a guide light, dragging him around, looking at all sides of the cave.
"Uh guys? Good news and bad news."
"Oh boy." Mo said, sitting
down, carefully feeling for guano.
"Good news first." Jon said,
standing with his arms crossed.
"Well, we're all together!"
She said, smiling apprehensively. "And, it's just us and the bats, no bears,
or tigers, or cougars or whatever."
Annie shook her head. "But
how do you know that? There could be bears or tigers or cougars in the other
parts of the cave."
"Ah, right, remember that
whole 'and bad news' part of my sentence?"
"Yeah." Mel said.
"We're blocked in."
"What? Blocked in?" Steve
asked, getting even more scared. "Blocked in how."
"As in no way out, partner.
As in, no way in, no way out. As in, we're stuck. As in, there's no tunnels,
no holes, no doorways, no nothin'. " Stephen said calmly.
"Well, shit on me." Jon
said. "ARG!" He yelled suddenly. "I didn't mean literally, stupid BATS!"
Suddenly a flapping sound
was heard and thousands of screeches filled the hole. "You've done it now Jon!
They're awake!" Lewis said, pointing at the bats beginning to fly.
The whole cave was engulfed
in flying bats and the group was trapped....
"Hold me, Nancy!" Steve
screeched, clinging on to Nancy who comforted him.
"Hey! Who's hand is that?"
"Sorry," Melly said.
The group stared upward
as the bats circled, getting closer and closer...
"W-w-What if those are V-V-Vampire
bats?" Steve stuttered, sucking his thumb.
"We're all gonna die! We're
all gonna die!" sobbed Conan.
"Shut up!" Annie said. "If
there's one thing I can't stand, it's seeing a 6'4" man cry!"
"Hold me Craig!" Sara shrieked,
jumping into his arms. "Mo, you come hold me too."
As the gang braced for a
seemingly imminent bat-attack, they heard one shriek louder and closer than
the shrieks of the bats...
"AAAHHHH!" Lauren cried.
"It's in my hair! Get it out!"
"Weedie! I'll save you!"
Colbert said, chasing the frantically running and screaming Lauren around the
dark cave, stepping on people as they went.
"OW! That was my hand!"
Everyone watched (as best
they could in the dark) as Colbert finally lunged toward Lauren, tackling her
and landing on top of her on the floor. "Hold still!" he whispered furiosuly.
As Colbert finally wrestled
the tiny creature out of Lauren's hair, he was totally taken off guard when
it started...cussing at him.
"Hey, you %@#$ing four eyes!
F*@#ing put me down now!"
"Huh?" Colbert asked, confused.
"F@#$ you! F@#$ you!"
"Christ on a crack whore!
It's a midget!!" Colbert shrieked, dropping the tiny winged gnome.
"Look! They're all midgets!"
Lauren said, from her position on the floor.
The winged midget, freed
from Colbert's grasp, shook itself off and flew back in his face, "Yeah, and
what are you gonna do about it, dildo face?"
"Hey! Come back here, you
spider bait, I'll tear you little wings off!"
"They're midgets?" Jon half
asked, half said. He scratched his head. "More midgets? Oh! They must be the
same midgets from before."
"What is it with Kathie
Lee and midgets?" Kelly wondered.
"What are we gonna do, Jon?"
Steve asked, still clinging to Nancy.
"By my calculations, we
should--RUN!" Mo screamed, running after Colbert who was still running from
the brave, indignant midget.
"Your mom was like a doorknob,
everyone had a turn!" the midget was saying to Colbert.
"Don't talk about my mom!"
"What was Mo running from?"
"AHHHH!" Melly screeched,
grabbing on to Jon. "She's back!"
Everyone turned to see...Mini-Lee!
Her yellow teeth gleamed in the dark, her chin covered with slime and spittle,
her tiny midgeted fist grasping on to a long, silver knife.
"It's a pit of death! We're
in a pit of death!" Conan shrieked.
And so they all began to
run in circles because there was no where else to run. Mini-Lee chased them
all, tiring them out and waiting for when she could fillet them. Colbert had
caught a hold of the midget and, because of its small size, could only alternate
between beating it against a rock and pinching it.
"Guys," Kelly said, catching
up to Annie, Melly and Sara.
"Yeah?" Annie said, breathlessly,
trying to avoid Mini-Lee's grubby little dwarf hands.
"They're midgets, right?"
Kelly said, almost out of breath.
"No....shit!" Sara said,
gasping for air.
"THE POWER!" they all cried.
"Where is Jon?" Annie asked.
"Over there by Agent Elle!"
"Right," Annie nodded. "Tackle
"You don't have to ask me
twice!" Melly shrieked, as they all ran over to Jon and tackled him, landing
on top of him on the floor.
"What the huh? Who the huh?"
"Sing!" Kelly cried.
"What?" Jon said.
"Sing, dammit!" Sara cried.
"You girls are really nutty,
you know that?" Jon said, trying to get up.
"Jon! Listen! You have the
power to control the midgets! Sing, what was it, Elle?" Annie said.
"The munchkin song!" Elle
"It's worth a shot! DO it!"
"AHHHHHHH! One of them crawled
down my pants!" Steve cried, running by with a midget's legs just sticking out
of his pants.
Jon cleared his throat,
and with the girls still on top of him (oh yeah), he slowly began to sing, We
are the members of the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild...
Above them, the midgets
had stopped circling and turned to stare at Jon.
"Keep going!!" Melly said.
And so Jon sang even louder...
"Songs ... they're around
... whenever you need them!" sang Jon.
"Wrong song!" everyone screamed
as the midgets began to get angry. "Wrong song!"
Jon slapped himself in the
head. "Right," he muttered. "Tra la la la la la la la, la la la, tra la la la
A sudden silence fell. The
only noise in the damp cave was a distant dripping sound. The winged midgets,
clinging upside down on the cave ceiling, had eyes that glowed red. As the group
watched with awe, their eyes slowly turned white, then blue, then a normal brown.
Mini Lee gurgled. Jon watched, fascinated, as Mini Lee's hair changed colors
from red to green then to black. She flailed as her breasts disappeared and
her penis grew. A bluish glow enveloped her for a moment, and when the light
faded, standing in front of them was ...
"But I changed my name,"
"Shhh," said everyone.
Mini Lei smiled warmly at
Jon. His muteness and hideous features had changed, replaced by a nice Jewish
nose that was just the size Kelly liked, beautiful sparkling eyes that Melly
liked, and a wonderful voice that everyone liked. "Can I tell you something?"
said Mini Lei in Jon's exact voice. "I am here to serve your every need."
(Upon hearing this,
the JSIA agents felt tingly.)
"Can we kidnap him?" begged
Melly. "Please, Annie! I'll feed him every day! And walk him whenever he wants!"
Melly's pleading was cut short by a rush of air. The winged midgets were taking
flight. Mini Lei waved his arms towards the far wall of the cave. The wall opened
to reveal a huge passageway.
"We have to hurry," said
Mini Lei. "She's getting her beauty sleep. There's very little time." The group
and the entire flock of bats started down the passageway. As they walked, midgets
emerged from secret entrances and holes in the ground. They crawled down from
crevices and from other passageways. By the time everyone had reached Kathie's
lair, the midget army had swelled to hundreds in addition to the thousands of
winged midgets, all silently following the Jon Stewart King.
When the reached the lair,
Mini Lei touched the door. It opened with a slight creak and revealed Kathie's
They entered the lair, shuddering
as they looked at the groud littered with puppy parts scattered hither and yon
as Steve bagan to cry in Nancy's arms, "THE POOR PU-UP-IES!!!" he shouted and
stuttered into Nancy's shoulder while she cooed, "It's
okie day sugerbunny... Shhh... Everything will be alright..."
"You hear that?" the midget
It was the sound of a ow
metallic whizzing noise and a large pump sounding like that of a heart. Another
sound seeming connected to it was mimicking the sounds of desperate high-pitched
Conan whined like a dog,
"We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
"SHHHHHH!!!" he was hushed
by the group when suddenly... The respirations stopped, but the thudding continued.
"We've awakened the monster..."
Kelly surmised in a deathly scared whisper.
Then, out of the shadows,
Maher appeared with a evil grin upon his face like no other...
"Bill!" Stephen whispered
loudly. "Buddy! We finally made it."
Maher looked straight ahead,
staring blankly. His eyes were unfocused, his stance unsteady. He staggered
a bit, then fell backwards on the ground. A trickle of blood began to flow from
his mouth. The eerie grin remained plastered on his face.
"Bill!" shouted Mo. Mo ran
to Bill's side and tore open Maher's shirt. A gaping bloody wound horrified
everyone. Maher had been stabbed with a lipstick-stained microphone!
"Bill!" screamed Stephen.
"Oh my god! It's our fault! We didn't want you to die! I mean, yeah, you're
kind of annoying and arrogant and you insulted Jon, but you're not nearly as
irritating as Tom Cruise!"
Mo yanked the microphone
out of Maher's chest and plucked a hair out of Stephen's head.
"OW!" screamed Stephen.
Mo chewed off one of his fingernails and fashioned it into a needle. He began
to sew up Maher's wound with Stephen's hair. The bleeding stopped, but Maher
was still deathly pale.
"Say something!" yelled
Stephen. "Say something!"
Maher grabbed weakly at
Stephen's shirt. "The midgets," Bill gasped, "will not ... be enough. The Koosh
balls ... are ... not enough. You need one ... more ... thing."
"What!" sobbed Stephen.
"Oh Bill, what is it?"
Bill's grip on Stephen's
shirt tightened. "Stephen," he gasped through his blood-stained lips, "you are
... are ... are ..."
"Yes?" wept Stephen.
"such ... a ... fucking
... pussy. Quit ... bawling ... you weenie. The dildo ... Stephen ... the dildo
... inside it ... is a weapon ... a weapon." Maher began to cough uncontrollably.
He was near death.
Jon turned to the agents.
"Take him and save him," ordered Jon, firmly.
"But we can't leave you!"
Jon shook his head. "We
can take care of ourselves. I ask you this one favor. Please, take him and save
The agents began to weep.
"Stupid ... pussies ..."
wheezed Maher, between coughs.
Annie pulled out her palm
pilot. She punched in a few buttons. A white glow enveloped the agents and Maher.
Jon held up his hands and waved lightly. The agents waved back ... then disappeared.
The rhythmic sound of the
respirator got louder.
"See what happens to traitors?"
a mechanical but instantly recognizable voice cackled. "Even worse will come
for my little blond baby." Kilborn cringed at flood of memories. Kathie laughed
manically, and the sound of her laughter echoed in the gigantic dark room. The
midgets shivered, awaiting orders from their King.
Stephen pulled out the dildo
and slammed it into the ground. Amongst the shattered plastic, there was ....
... A golden bag of Skittles.
"Whaaaaa?" Jon remarked
picking up the bag.
Something clicks within
Craig's mind and his eyes light up, the memories fading away, "Yes... That's
At this Mo looks to him,
"Remember Jon's joke? One
nation under Skittles, right?"
"Yeah, and?" Mo asks still
not catching it.
"Skittles replaces God...
God loves the little-"
"Creatures!" Conan cuts
in starting to figure it out. "But Kathy Lee Gifford eats puppies?" he continues
"But in doing so she defies
the supreme power!" Jon pipes up.
"The Supreme Power of Skittles?"
Steve questions and gets a backhand by Nancy, but Lauren stops her mid-blow,
"Wait! He's right!"
"We have to believe in the
power of Skittles?" Stephen questions
"But how does this tie in
with the midgets?" Jon inquires more to himself then anyone else as he strokes
his chin. When suddenly...
The respirating and thumping
sounds seem to draw nearer...
By Sara J.
Blue eyes shining, fearful,
Missing in action
In the line of fire, all alone
Pink nails curling around
Devil woman devouring puppies
Four agents planning their
Rookie taking care
The pros gearing up to fight the beast
Mismatched crew treading
Ready for it
Taking their places to destroy evil
Each knowing the time is
Do or die
Hearts racing, minds spinning, souls shaking
"EUREKA!" Mo shouts just
as they hear Kathy Lee's fake laughter. "Jon you said it yourself! With the
Jon looks to him utterly
lost with an eyebrow raised.
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE
ALL GONNA DIE!" Conan runs about in circles.
"SHUT-UP CRACKA!" Rock yells
"Midgets love candy..."
he starts again, "It connects to them with the lollipop song! So Jon," he turns
to the man, "You need to call them. Stephen," he points to Colbert who still
holds the bag, "Pass out the Skittles to everyone. Everybody else." he looks
to the weary group. "You need to throw the Skittles to them just as they are
upon us. And by theory they will eat them. Then, by the mighty power of the
Skittles they will change the frequencies of their brains."
"So..." Lauren eggs on while
holding her hands out for the Skittles.
"It will cause them to attack
Kathy..." Craig finishes for Mo.
"Exactly!" Mo shouts excitedly.
"One problem," Jon starts
stepping forward, "This is all just a theory! It's ridiculous!"
"Oh and like you aren't..."
a machine produced metallic voice cuts in without missing a beat.
Jon turns away slowly, his
face plastered with fear and finds... "You..." he murmurs.
"Yes it is I!" Kathy Lee
skids forward in her all metal wheelchair. Her mouth did not move as she spoke,
but a machine was attached to her throat. Her body was scarred everywhere upon
her body, some even still bleeding. Carell fainted a the sight and Nancy screamed...
Jon raised his arms. His
tide of footed and winged midgets soared towards Kathie. She cackled mechanically,
and deflected them with a glimmering shield of light. The midgets singed their
foreheads as they slammed into the energy field. The winged midgets shrieked.
"The Skittles!" screamed
Mo. "You need to feed them the dildo Skittles!" Jon grabbed a handful of the
tasty enamel-melting treats and tossed them into the air. A golden sparkle of
light hovered for a moment ... then shattered into a thousand new lights! The
Skittles had multiplied!
Each midget opened his or
her mouth and swallowed the magical candy. The midgets immediately gleamed with
a brilliant light. Mini Lei rose a foot off the ground, walking on air. "Attack!"
screamed the tiny Leibowitz, and the midgets charged again. They pummeled at
Kathie's shield again and again and again, until it cracked and creaked and
finally disappeared. Kathie shrieked and gurgled.
"NOW, CONAN!" screamed Jon.
"LAUNCH THE KOOSH BALLS!"
Conan, with trembling hands,
pulled forth his Koosh-launchin' Jesus, and set one of the beautiful balls of
benevolence into the launcher.
The phone rang.
"What!" screamed Rock as
he answered it. "This is not a good time, dammit!"
"Give me Jon," a female
voice commanded. Rock tossed the phone to Jon.
"Where the hell have you
been!" said the voice. "Rehearsal was three hours ago! Showtime is in fifteen
minutes! If you don't get your ass back here in ten, we'll find someone who
can do your job better!"
Jon stammered. "Oh, uh,
Madeline, we're, uh, just, uh, killing Kathie Lee here. It will only be a minute."
"Haul ass and get here now!"
screamed Madeline Smithberg, the TDS producer.
Jon whined. "But Maaaadeliiiiiine,
we just have to destroy the enemy of all that is good and deeeeeecent! It'll
only take a minute!"
Conan halted his Koosh loading
and looked at Jon questioningly. Jon pointed at the phone and mouthed, "Madeline."
The TDS comics gasped.
Madeline continued. "And
what's with this helicopter fuel bill on the Comedy Central American Express
Blue card?! That, sir, is an unauthorized transaction! If it weren't for the
Peabody, they would fire you right now! Do you want to go back to syndication?
Do you? Huh?!"
"No," said Jon, quietly.
"I can't hear you," said
"No!" said Jon, louder.
He hung up. "Look guys, my producer says I have to go. We're rolling tape in
"Oh crap!" said Stephen.
"We should really destroy minions of evil on repeat weeks."
"Awww," everyone groaned.
"Actually, we're down to
thirteen minutes," said Mo.
Steve sniffled. The groups
turned and walked back to the studio. The midgets scattered and Kathie descended
on a hidden platform deep down into the depths of the studio. A trapdoor slammed
shut on the dark shaft.
Jon and the TDS correspondents
ran back to his studio and got there just in time to start the show.
Maher and the JSIA agents,
watching on their monitor, sighed with disappointment. The agents sent the healing
Maher back to his home with a flash of light. (He was a little too opinionated
to be a welcome guest.)
Rock, swearing with frustration,
glowered at his phone. "Why did I sign up for this thing!" He boarded his 'copter
and took off back to Florida to play with the cracker children.
Conan, as he left the sewer,
took one last regretful look into Kathie's lair. He clutched the Koosh balls
in his hands, feeling their throbbing warmth.
"Until next time," he whispered
quietly. "Jesus and I will be there next time. But not during sweeps, because
we're really busy then. And not during the holidays because I like to spend
Christmas with my gigantic family. Oh, and not right before either because it
takes a good month to shop for all those nieces and nephews. Oh, and not right
"Shut up," snapped Craig.
He carefully took two of the Koosh balls. "We'll each keep two. If they can
be destroyed, we want to have reserves."
"Sure," said Conan. "Whatever."
The two walked into the
sunset, but they weren't touching each other or anything, 'cause that would
just be weird.
Added September 2, 2002.
Complied by Kelly.