Jon Stewart blue pic
 

 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB

 


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The Fan Files
 Fun Fiction

 

The Adventures of Jewey Jewman and Friends
   Round Three: Untitled

Started May 26, 2002
by The JSIA Bulletin Board

By Melly

As the gang gathered around Rosie's large conference table in her mansion/theme park for kids, she motioned to a maid to bring everyone something to drink.

Jon filled her in on the whole Kathie Lee/Bill Maher situation, and when he finished, Rosie leaned back and crossed her arms in front of her in deep thought.

Just then, the maid came out with a silver platter full of those little Hi-C boxes. She placed one in front of everyone.

"Hi-C?" Lewis groaned. "You don't have any Heineken?"

"Shh!" Rosie hissed. "I'm thinking. Melly, bring them some fruit roll-ups, they're probably hungry."

The maid, Melly, dressed in a tiny french maid uniform that hugged her curves and showed off her legs, winked at Jon and strolled back into the kitchen.

"Rosie, don't you have any REAL food?" Nancy asked, trying not to lkisten to her growling tummy.

"I like it here!" Steve said happily drinking his Hi-C and p;laying with some random legos.

"That french maid had better come back before I go mad with cutsey happiness," Colbert growled to himself.

Just then Melly came back out of the kitchen, a stack of fruit roll ups on her tray. After placing one in front of everyone, she perched prettily on Jon's lap and began feeding him his roll up, along with sips of Hi-C.

"Oopsy!" she said in a fake french accent when she dribbled a bit of juice on Jon's chin. She was just about to tenderly lick it off, when Rosie's voice made her freeze, tongue in the air.

"Enough! Go take a break, find a hose!" Rosie shouted at her. Melly gave Jon a quick kiss on the cheek before stomping off to the kitchen where she vanished.

"Funny, I don't remember hiring her..." Rosie mused. "But anyway, Jon, gang, I have the answer to your problems."

"What?" Jon asked hopefully, wiping his mouth and basking in the light perfume that lingered on him from the french maid.

Rosie stood up and took a key out of her pocket. Lifting up a picture on the wall, she opened a safe to reveal four brightly glowing golden masses.

Everyone at the table immediately flipped their shades down and squinted into the brightness.

"What...What are they?" Jon asked, one hand shielding his face from the glow.

"They're koosh balls of love, Jon," Rosie said, closing the safe. "When launched at Kathie Lee, they will destroy her for good."

"I have just the thing to launch them!" Conan shouted, leaping off his chair and scrounging in his pocket. He took out a tiny robed figure wearing sandals and carrying a mini-koosh launcher.

"Koosh launchin' Jesus!" he shouted happily.

~*~*~*~

Meanwhile, outside, Rock was putting the kids down for their nap.

"Sleep tight, little crackas!" he said, pulling the blanket up around a little girl. "If anyone does an oopsy in their pants, I'll have your bum!"

Rock noticed a small child still awake in a sleeping bag a few yards away from him. "Hey! Mini-cracka! Get yo bum to bed, now!"

Still, the child refused to lay down, so Rock strode toward the child, talking as he went. "Don't male me read you a story now, shrimpy cracka....AHHHH!!"

The child turned around to reveal itself as not a child but, MINI-KATHIE LEE!! She had managed to grab on to one of the helicopter skids and hang on until she found her way into the luggage compartment where she had hid, feeding on rats and spiders, until the crash, which she had managed to survive.

Due to larynx deformation, the midget made no sound as it bopped Rock on the head, knocking him out, and ran towards Rosie's Dream Mansion, where it laughed to itself on the inside.

by Annie

Everyone stood up and cheered for Conan. "You finally came in handy!" declared Jon. "Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!"

The huge picture window shattered. The group turned in horror as Mini-Lee leaped through the broken glass. She picked up the largest shard and aimed it at Jon Stewart. With a silent shriek, she leaped at his jugular with the jagged glass clutched between her bloody fingers. Her mouth foaming, Mini-Lee aimed to kill.

Melly ran back into the dining room when she heard the glass breaking. She saw the rabid midget bearing down on her Adonis. Screaming, Melly threw herself on Mini-Lee. A huge flash of light engulfed them both. And when the group's eyes had readjusted, both Melly and Mini-Lee were gone.

"What the hell?" said Lewis.

"Mommy," said Steve.

"I'm here, poopsie," said Rosie, patting poor Steve on the head.

"Something's wrong," said Craig, furrowing his brow, then unfurrowing it when he remembered that that caused wrinkles. "That maid -- where did she come from?"

"We should go," said Mo, calmly. "Whatever's going on, we need to reach Kathie as soon as possible. She's the key. Chup chup."

"You're right, let's just go," said Jon. The group started out the door. "Are you coming with?" Jon asked Rosie.

"No, I have to clean up this glass before the kids step on it. You guys will be fine without me. But remember this." Rosie placed both hands on Jon's shoulder. "You are strong, my friend, but not strong enough. The Koosh Balls of Benevolence are powerful, but your will is more powerful still. You must overcome your greatest fear before you can overcome your greatest enemy."

"Huh?" said Jon.

"May the force be with you," said Rosie.

"What?" Jon repeated.

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist."

"I don't know what you're --"

"Go my friend," wept Rosie. "I pray we meet again."

Jon's posse pulled him out of the dining room, dragged him out of the house, and into the waiting helicopter. Mo rigged his laptop to auto-pilot the aircraft. They took off into the twilight back towards New York.

by Sara J

When the troupe returned to the studio, they were more than exhausted. They were literally dropping off by the second: Nancy and Steve in the doorway, Matt in the hallway, Lauren further down the hallway, Stephen and Jon on the interview couch (ever seen that "Friends" episode where Joey and Ross fall asleep on the couch together? ::snorty giggle::.) with Conan leaning against the side of the big red monstrosity, and Lewis in the break room, who had gone in there simply to get away from the rest of those twits.

Mo schlepped into the writers' office and fell into a chair. He sat his laptop on the table and opened it, figuring he'd at least check his e-mail. Maybe his mom wrote him or something.

What he found in his inbox was considerably more helpful.

==

TO: The Daily Show
RE: The Operation

Hello, everyone, Willie Mohair here. Listen, I'm writing to you from a computer at Kinko's so KLG can't trace this message back to me. I finally wrote up written direcions to her lair, along with an aerial map taken from one of KLG's security cameras in the city. Just download the attachment. Good luck.

Willie
==

Mo snickered to himself. Willie Mohair. He still couldn't believe Maher was actually using that alias, after Stephen had suggested it as a joke.

"Mo, didn't anyone ever tell you downloading 'net porn is a filthy pasttime?"

Mo looked behind him to see Craig standing, one foot crossed over the other and hands in his pockets, in the doorway.

"And looking over said downloader's shoulder isn't?" Mo replied.

"Touche," said Craig as he strolled over to the table and pulled up a chair.

Mo slid the computer toward Craig and waited for him to finish reading Maher's message.

"So you really think you can trust this guy?" Craig asked.

Mo cleaned his lenses on his shirt and said, "Not to be...oh, what's the word...an asshole, but you're not one to talk about who can trust who."

Craig sighed. "I know. But listen, Mo...just between you and me, I'm not just in this to get back at Kathie Lee."

"Oh?"

"No...I mean, she did kind of screw up my life, but she's not trying to kill me. At least, not now, she's not...I don't think. I know I don't come across as the most caring person, but somehow I just can't..."

Mo put his glasses back on and raised his eyebrows, waiting.

Craig rolled his eyes. "Look, I can't let Kathie Lee hurt Jon. He's...he's too good a guy or something, I don't know. But it's not just about me in my mind, okay?"

Mo smiled. "Aww, Kilborn cares."

"Shut it, Rocca. As far as you know, I'm only here to help me."

Mo just kept right on grinning. "Oh, of course." He tapped his laptop. "Now, should we go wake the others and share this late-breaking information, or should we just sit back and wait for all hell to explode?"

"I'll go get them. You download the map."

Mo nodded and immediately set to work.

"Oh, and Mo? This conversation never happened."

Mo winked at him and returned to the screen, and Craig set off to drag the others out of their slumber.

By Annie

Meanwhile, back at JSIA headquarters....

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Annie, running to the left.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Sara, running to the right.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Melly, running clockwise.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed Kelly, running counterclockwise.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" screamed other members of the JSIA, bumping into each other and knocking down furniture.

In the middle of it all, Mini-Lee was waving her giant shard of glass around like a midget at a tossing tournament.

"WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE!" Annie screamed at Melly.

"SHE ... IT ... WAS GOING TO KILL JON!" Melly screamed back.

"AND NOW SHE'S GOING TO KILL US!" Annie screamed again.

Mini-Me lunged at Agent 247 and beheaded him in one swift motion.

Annie screamed again. "THAT WAS ONE OF OUR MALE MEMBERS! YOU KILLED A MALE AGENT! NOW WE'RE DOWN TO FOUR MALES!" Annie momentarily stopped screaming when Mini-Me lunged at her. Annie grabbed a fire poker and clocked the evil mini-bitch in the head. The screaming finally died down. Just as the JSIA members managed to catch their breaths, Mini-Lee regained consciousness and clamped her pointy teeth deep into Annie's ankle.

"WHY DID YOU BRING HER HERE!" Annie screamed again at Melly.

"IT WAS GOING TO KILL JON!" Melly screamed back.

The screaming and running resumed.

Meanwhile, back in New York....

By Melly

After letting everyone have the recommended eight hours of sleep, Mo arose, downloaded the directions to Kathie Lee's lair, and went into the studio to wake everyone up.

"No mommy, I didn't wet the bed," Steve murmured around his thumb, still half asleep.

"You think THAT'S bad, get a load of this! A little remember me this way from a Tijuana whore back in '87!" Colbert mumbled happily.

"Urine," Matt Walsh said matter-of-factly.

Mo crossed his arms and sighed at the passed out, leather clad comedians that surrounded him. Frankly, they were looking mighty pathetic in their various stages of sleep, and plus those tight leather outfits were getting a bit ripe. Mo decided to take control.

Climbing up on the desk and being careful not to step on Lewis' fiery, furious fingers, he put his own fingers in his mouth and whistled as loud as he could.

Everyone awoke with a scream, sitting bolt up-right in their various places. Kelly, who had been spooning with Jon, guiltily crawled under the desk, where she disappeared in a flash of light.

"Dude, that's starting to freak me out!" Jon said, rubbing his eyes. "What's up Rocca robin?"

"I asked you to please refrain from calling me that, Stewbacca!" Mo said, cleaning his glasses. "I'm happy to inform you that Willie MoHa....err. Bill Maher, came through for us and sent me THESE maps to Kathie Lee's lair."

"YAY!" Everyone cheered.

"Now, Bill has outlined several rules for survival here, when attempting to enter the lair. I suggest we go over them, follow up with a short quiz, and then prepare to storm the lair."

"Mo, Mo, Mo..." Colbert said, running a hand through his hair and strolling uo to his bespectacled colleague. "You poor, naive bastard."

"What?" Mo said, miffed. "This is our chance, Stephen! This shall be our finest hour!"

"Mo, you ignorant slut," Colbert said, reaching into Conan's pocket and taking out 'Good to the Last Drop; Morning Latte' Jesus,' and plugging him in so that his halo glowed and started percolating. "There's something you all should know...something you couldn't know, and now the time has come to tell you..."

Everyone turned their attention to Colbert, and waited...

By Kelly

Rosie walked in the bedroom the next morning to wake up her children when she found who but Rock sprawled out on the floor, three children crawled on top of him playing barbies. "Hey! Get off him!" She yelled, uncharacteristically.

"Chris?" She said softly. "CHRIS!" She yelled when he didn't respond.

"What the cracka Jesus is..." Chris yelled, sitting bolt upright. "DAMN My head hurts like a mother..." He trailed off as he noticed the three young girls staring at him... "uh... trucker?"

Rosie helped Chris up and noticed a cut on his temple. "Chrissie poo, what happened!"

Rock glowered at her for the nickname she bestowed upon him. "It's Chris, or Rock.. no poo's involved!"

The children giggled at the utterance of the word "poo."

//Kelly, you must stop using words like utterance and bestow\\

((Okay, fine, I will))

Rosie took his hand and dragged him into the kitchen, fussing away over his head. "Oh you poor thing... oh, that must have hurt.. Let Rosie fix you some hot coa-coa..."

"Where's everyone?" He asked, finally waking up. Suddenly he stood. "OH THE MIDGET!!! THERE'S A MIDGET AND SHE'S HERE!"

Rosie shook her head. "No no, she disappeared.. I'm not sure where she went, actually, it's was the strangest thing... Anyway, th e rest of the gang took off back for New York I believe."

Chris turned around "And just LEFT me?!"

Rosie smiled. "I guess they totally forgot you Chris.. it's okay, you can play barbie with my little girls this afternoon..."

Chris shook his head. "Rosie, I got the worst headache in the world right now, I can NOT listen to a buch of white cracka children giggle over barbies, tea, and crumpets... I gotta find Jon..."

~*~*~*~

back at the JSIA headquarters

Kelly fell contentedly back into the headquarters couch. Oblivious to the turmoil around her she kicked her feet out and sighed.

//Kelly, what did I tell you about using pretentious words like Oblivious TWO SECONDS AGO!\\

((Alright already!))

"KELLY I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LEFT US ALONE WITH THIS CRAZY ASS MIDGET TO GO SPOON WITH JON!" Sara yelled at her.

Kelly, smiling still, finally opened her eyes. "Hey! It was MEL that did that, I just basked in the glory!"

Melly giggled. "Mine ears have heard the glory of the talking of the Jew..." she sang.

Suddenly the Mini-Kathie Lee spotted the blissfully laughing Kelly and...

((I can't help it! I'm in a literary mood right now!))

pounced on her.

"HEY!" Kelly yelled, catching the midget by the legs as she jumped on her. "I WAS LAUGHING! NOBODY RUINS MY FUN!" She yelled, slamming the midget headfirst into the open barrel that the gang used as a trash can. Putting the lid on it, Kelly and Sara re-hammered the nails into the top.

"Damn." Annie said. "Why didn't we think of that?"

by Sara J

Meanwhile, back at the TDS studio...

"This leather really binds at the crotch," Matt suddenly said from somewhere in the back.

"Nice, Walshy," Lauren said. "Way to ruin the moment."

All eyes returned to Colbert.

"What?"

"Stephen, you were about to tell us something," Mo said. His reply was a blank stare. He rolled his eyes. "Something we should know? Couldn't know?"

"Oh, that! Yeah. I forgot."

Everyone groaned. "Stephen!" Jon whined. "Do you know how much time we've just wasted?"

Steve's hand shot up in the air. "I know! Call on me!"

Jon sighed. "Steve?"

"A lot!"

Another round of groans from the gang.

Mo shook his head and spread out the map on the TDS desk. "Look. According to Wi-" he cleared his throat. "Bill, the path to Kathie Lee's lair starts just under our fire escape right outside the building."

"Which building?" Steve asked.

"Our building. Please stay focused, Steve. If we follow it closely, it leads through the seedy underground of the city and eventually to Kathie Lee's compound somewhere near the East River."

"No wonder that river is so polluted," Lauren said.

Mo rolled up the map. "Okay, so...shall we get started?"

"I say we get...you know, a little freshened up before we go," Kilborn spoke up. "We're all getting a little ripe in this leather."

"Good point. Okay," Mo said, "We shower, we change, and we go. Any questions?"

Pause.

"Good. We shall meet up back here in exactly two hours. Got that? Two hours. No earlier, no later. That includes everybody."

"Hey, wait a minute," Colbert held up his hands, then pointed a finger at Mo. "Who made you the head of operations?"

"You did, Stephen," Mo replied.

"Oh. Right. Damn, I'm good!"

Mo sighed. "Okay, everyone. Two hours. Be here, or Jon could die."

Everyone scattered, and as Jon watched them go, suddenly decided that he didn't want to go home alone.

By Annie

Jon thought of Shamsky, Monkey, Stan, and that other one ... what was it ... oh yeah, Tracey, and he got choked up as he realized that he might be seeing them for the last time. He couldn't go home. He didn't want them to seem him so sad.

Jon grabbed Stephen. "Hey, Stephen, you don't live that far from here ... and isn't your wife out of town? Do you mind if I go to your place?"

"Yeaaaaaah," said Stephen slowly. "Jon, I know we're 'best buds' and all, but I really prefer the poon, ya know?"

Jon sighed. "No, I just don't want to have to upset everyone at my house, and I know that you live nearby, so I wanted to shower there."

"Absoluuuuuutely, Jon!" said Stephen, slapping Jon on the back. "What's a best bud for?" He pointed at Jon, and Jon pointed back at him. They roared with laughter and butted chests, just like old times. They walked out of the building, punching each other and hooting.

Once at Stephen's apartment, Jon decided to use the shower while Stephen decided to use jacuzzi number two (jacuzzi number one being out of order at the time). Jon pulled off his black leather vest and pants. He stepped into the shower and turned on the hot water. He sighed with pleasure as the steamy water poured down his body. He could just make out Stephen singing "Soul Man" in the living room while splashing in the jacuzzi.

It didn't feel real. Jon couldn't believe that he was about to go into battle with Kathie Lee for what was hopefully the last time. He could die today. It pained him. He held his head in his hands and tried to let the hot water soothe away his fears. Even if he died, Jon understood deep down inside that at least it would have been for a worthy cause. Kathie Lee would torment the world no more. The Christmas specials would end, the Cody stories would stop, and the Carnival Cruise Line would finally free itself from its self-imposed prison.

Jon straightened his shoulders and picked up the shampoo. He knew what he had to do. He had to fight. Jon lathered up his hair, then soaped up his loofah spong and started exfoliating his chest. He had finished with his armpits and chest and was about to go to town on his ankles when he realized that Stephen had stopped singing.

"Stephen?" Jon called out, opening the shower door a crack. The bathroom door was slightly ajar. Jon frowned. He thought he had shut it. Jon turned off the water. "Stephen?" he called again.

Nothing.

Jon stepped out of the shower. The shampoo dripped into his eyes a bit as he grabbed for a towel. He cautiously approached the door. As he reached out his hand to grasp the knob, the door suddenly blasted open, knocking him to the ground. He looked up and screamed at the sight of ....

By Kelly

"Oh, thank God!" Jon said, relaxing slightly. "Chris, you scared me half to death."

Rock threw him a towel. "That would explain the shrinkage."

Jon gasped and covered himself. "So, what are you doing here?"

Rock sat up on the counter and crossed his arms. "I'll talk to you after you get that soap off and get dressed."

Jon sighed. "Well, Chris, you're the one who came in the BATHROOM to find me.. what else did you expect?!?!?"

While Jon washed the soap off himself he listened to Chris sound out his new material on the baby he and his wife just had. "Funny stuff, Rock." He said, stepping out, covered in his towel.

"Thanks," Rock said, throwing Jon's newly washed jeans and t-shirt.

Jon got dressed quickly in the bathroom while Chris waited for him in Stephen's bedroom. "So, what are you doing here?"

Rock turned and glared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you!?"

Jon looked down at himself. "Oh, sorry!" He said, zipping up the fly in his worn-out jeans. "My bad, man."

"No!" Rock shouted, poking Jon in the chest. "You left me!"

Jon looked up at him. "We did? I thought you were sleeping at Rosie's!"

Rock shook his head. "No, damnass! I was knocked the hell out by a freakazoid midget in the bedroom!"

Jon's mouth hung open. "Oh, Chris.. I'm sorry!"

Rock nodded. "I can't believe I show up, save your ass, and you just f@#$ing abandon me!!!"

Jon felt awful. Truth be told, he'd simply forgotten that Chris was even there...

((Actually, I believe the authors did...))

//Shut up, Kelly, this is a cracked out longass story, cut us some slack!!\\

"I'm truly sorry, Rock. I... I honestly forgot to even check." He stepped forward and touched the bandage on Rock's head. "Are you alright?" He asked, concerned.

Rock sighed. "S'alright, I'm tough. Forget about it..."

Jon shook his head. "No.. No it's not.... c'mere." He said, taking Rock's arm and leading him into the bathroom. He pulled off the bandage and looked at it in the light. "Here, see if Stephen has some Hydrogen Peroxide, I'll see if he has another bandage."

As Jon pulled out a bandage he heard Rock scream. "What?! What?!" He yelled.

Chris held up a rather large... something. "Can I just say, your friend Stephen is a SICK puppy!"

Jon swatted it away as Rock threatened to touch his face with it. "Looks like the bubble gun dildo ain't the only dildo Stephen's got."

Quickly Jon re-dressed Rock's wound and they hugged. "Sorry I left ya man."

Rock shrugged. "It's alright, got some good sleep. Nothing like a good knock on the head to bring on the heavy deep sleep."

Jon nodded. "So, where's Stephen?"

Rock looked around. "Oh, I meant to ask you that. He didn't answer the door.. in fact, the door was open, and he never answered me when I called him.

Jon suddenly got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. "STEPHEN?!!!" He yelled, sprinting out of the bathroom, Rock right behind him.

"Getcho cracka ass out here!" Rock yelled.

"STEPH..." Jon suddenly trailed off as he noticed something on the door. "Oh, shit on me..."

Rock looked at Jon. "Pardon me?"

Jon walked up to the door. "Oh, God..." He said, pulling down a torn piece of notebook paper pinned to the door with a knife.

"Oh, shit!" Rock said. "I didn't even notice that!"

Jon covered his mouth and felt tears come to his eyes as he read it...

Well, my pet Jonny-boy. You got rid of my Mini-Me, but you cannot get rid of me so easily. If you want to see your precious Colbert alive, you'll do as I say. I'll be contacting you, sweet cheeks... --Kathie Lee

Jon wiped at his tears and took a deep breath. "Damnit.. God Damnit..."

Rock was already on his cell phone. "Carell? Yeah, you gotta get over here.. yeah.. yeah, this is Rock... no no, not THE Rock, CHRIS Rock... YES, the black guy, you stupid f... alright forget it, just get your ass over to Colbert's house!"

by Annie

"No matter where ... you go ... I will find you!" sang Jon, tearfully humming the theme to Last of the Mohicans."

Everyone was getting just a little tired of Jon's singing. Their torches flickered in the damp tunnel air as they raced along the slippery ledge along the river of sewage towards Kathie's lair.

"This is quite ironic, really," Mo commented. "We all stink again, probably worse than before. By my calculations, we would have vanquished evil over an hour ago and lost no one in the process had we not stopped to bathe. Your great movie men never bathe. One never sees Indiana Jones or James Bond bathing shortly before saving the world. We are certainly not the epitome of great heroism. It is a well-known fact that Ghengis Kahn went years without --"

"Shut up!" screamed Craig. His temper was short, he smelled like people poo, and his hair was frizzing out of control. He was also getting nervous. He could feel the presence of the Putrid Puppy Eater. The vibrations of her unhallowed soul brought back the memories of his horrible past alliance with her. The endless nights of Broadway tunes ... the never-ending lip-smacking and gnawing of the helpless squirming puppies ... the complaints about Frank's impotence ... it never stopped. Craig's left eye began to twitch as he remembered those agonizing horrible days.

"What's his problem?" Rock whispered to Lauren.

"We're all gonna die!" whimpered Lauren. "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

"Ooooookay," said Rock, edging closer to Matt. "What's her problem?"

"We're all gonna die!" whimpered Matt. "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

A bright flash of light stopped the group in its tracks. When everyone regained their sight, a large barrel was in front of them. And around the barrel were four young women. Hot women. Holding on to the barrel. Which was moving. A lot.

"Oh my God!" screamed Kelly. "Who sent us here?! We've been betrayed! Someone has infiltrated the Command Center!"

"It was Agent 142!" screamed Melly. "She was the only one who didn't know that Jon was Jewish! Remember? We almost kicked her out? I saw her running towards the Command Center!"

"That's right!" screamed Sara J. "She kept singing, 'If they could see me now, about to have some fun. Helping Kathie Lee and helping kill that Jon.' I was about to say something, but then the midget almost knocked that barrel over!"

"We're all gonna die!" screamed Annie. "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

"Who the hell are you people?!" shouted Jon, waving his torch.

The top of the barrel blew off. The four hot women screamed and made mad dash towards Jon. They got behind his strong, muscular body, held on to his shirt, and peeked around to watch. Smoke and heat emanated from the barrel opening. A deformed head slowly arose from the mist. The scarred and evil face had eyes that glowed red. Yellow spittle dripped from her jaws. Mini-Lee crawled slowly and carefully out of the barrel, her eyes dead-set on Jon Stewart.

She reached back into the barrel, pulled out the giant shard of glass, and began her deliberate approach. She smiled slightly and grasped the glass tightly in her hands.

"Conan?" said Jon, nervously. "I think maybe we need to launch one of those Koosh Balls. Like, uh, now!"

Rock's phone rang. He answered. "Hello?" said Kathie Lee. "Give me Craig."

Rock handed the phone to Craig, keeping one eye on Mini-Lee. "It's for you," muttered Rock.

Craig shuddered. He knew who it was. He put the phone to his ear.

"Kilby?" Kathie purred. "Sweetheart? You thought you could betray me and get away with it? Well, my little girl is about to shred all of you, but it's not too late for you, dear. You can save yourself you know. Just do me one ... little ... favor ...."

By Sara J

The situation was moving all too fast for Craig: Midgets, Kathie Lee, puppies, sewers, agents? Agents of what? Although, that dark-haired one with the brown eyes was a fox. In a dorky sort of way.

"Craig, sweetie? I know you can hear me," Kathie Lee's voice garbled through the phone. Suddenly, Rock grabbed it back.

"Hey, wait a damn minute! How the hell did you get this number, woman?"

"You give back that phone or you'll be the first to go, Rock!" Kathie Lee hissed.

"All right, all right, don't throw a hissy fit, damn."

He handed the phone back to Craig.

"It's too late for them, doll. You know it, I know it, they know it," Kathie Lee went on. "But you can save yourself. Listen to me. All you have to do...is lead them to tunnel five. You remember how to get to tunnel five, don't you? Of course you do. Happy trails, darling."

Craig was about to click off the phone when Kathie Lee spoke up, "Oh, and don't get any cute ideas. Wait, look who I'm talking to! You don't have the spine to challenge me." She cackled. "I almost forgot. Just do as you're told, and you'll get out alive. See you soon."

Staring blankly at the scene in front of him, Craig clicked off the phone and handed it off to Rock, who was braced for a midget assault.

Just as the mini-Lee was about the rip the gang to shreds, something beeped and she stopped, bringing a hand to her ear. She nodded a few times while the gang stood frozen. When she took her hand from her ear, she snarled and barked at the troupe, and then scuttled off into the darkness.

The troupe looked around at each other, and Conan, who was aiming Koosh-Launchin' Jesus, put Jesus and the Koosh Balls of Justice back in the box, which was secured to him by a shoulder strap (which he was teased mercilessly for by the rest of the gang).

"What the f*bleep* was that?!" Jon yelled.

Silence as all eyes fell to the four hot women who had walked back to overturned barrel.

"We're gonna need some stronger containment devices," Annie said.

"Yeah. Who's idea was this barrel anyway?" Melly asked. Kelly pointed to Sara J.

"So?" Sara said. "You were gonna chuck her in the dumpster out back behind the agency! Yeah, that really would have held her. The lid's plastic, Kel!"

This sent the four women into a snit about whose dumb idea was the dumbest and who was the tardiest tard of the tards and all other such moronic whatnot.

"Okay, that's it," Jon interrupted loudly, startling the ladies. "Who are you people? I've seen every one of you at some point or another, and then you just disappear in this flash of light like it's entirely normal for...people to go around disappearing in flashes of light! Who are you?! I want answers, and I want them now!"

Kelly sauntered up to Jon and stuck a finger through his belt loop. He looked over at her, then to the other side where Melly was standing. "Did anyone ever tell you you're sexy when you're forceful?" Melly asked. He immediately looked down and shuffled his feet. "And you're cute when you do that!" Kelly said.

Sara J. was standing over a puddle of water re-applying lip gloss to her perma-chapped lips and straightening out her necklace.

"Hey, how come Jon gets the hot chicks?" Steve asked. Nancy smacked him in the arm.

Annie stepped forward. "If you must know, we are the agents of a highly-skilled and elite--" she paused and glared at the other three, who couldn't help but laugh at that description, and they shut up. "And elite intelligence agency. You don't know us, we don't know you. But we're helping you. Or...trying our damnedest to. And now we must go."

She and the flirtatiously waving Kelly and Melly walked back to where they had come in. Annie was about to start the teleport when Sara J. ran out of the circle. "Wait...there's something I gotta do."

Annie rolled her eyes. "Whatever it is, it can wait!"

"No, it can't! It's driving me nuts!"

She skidded to a stop in front of Craig, reached into her endless pocket (think Felix the Cat's bag of tricks) and whipped out a handy-dandy bottle of John Freida Sheer Blonde Dream Creme. She yanked him down to her level by his tie, and proceeded to de-frizz and spike out his hair.

"There," she said, letting him stand up again. Annie, Kelly and Melly rolled their eyes and sighed. She was so hopeless. "Reduces static flyaways, helps to smooth frayed, split ends, and maximizes shine and highlights." She looked up at Craig and tossed him the bottle. "Keep it. You're gonna need it. And I can't be chasing you down every time you have a strand out of place."

"I'm turning on the teleport!" Annie called.

"Now I know where I've seen you before!" Craig said, remembering the girl on Rock's helicopter who'd had this bizarre preoccupation with his hair enough to rival his own. She turned and smiled, giving a wink before jumping into the increasingly bright light eminating from the device in Annie's hand.

"Dude, you need a hobby," Kelly said.

"Or a better one than the one you've got!" Melly added.

"Hey, shut up," Sara J. said. "Like you've never been inordinately fascinated by someone you don't know but can't seem to help being drawn to anyway, you Jon Stewart Intelligence Agents you."

"F*bleep* you!" Kelly and Melly cleverly retorted as Annie sighed heavily and the light flashed them out of sight.

Silence.

"Ooooookaaaay..." Craig said. "So, which way to our deaths?"

Mo consulted the map. "According to this, we should be heading for tunnel five." He turned to Craig. "You've been here, you know where tunnel five is, don't you?"

All eyes on him, Craig slowly walked to the head of the troupe. "Yeah...it's this way. Follow me..."

And off they went, further into the abyss that was Kathie Lee's sewer lair.

by Melly

"Be careful," Mo said, tapping away on his computer. "According to my calculations, there is a big booby trap somewhere around here."

Steve giggled, "He said booby! Big booby!"

"Steve!" Jon sighed. "Ok, no one touch anything."

"Hey, look!" Conan said. "It's a Jesus! Someone threw a Jesus down here!"

Everyone spun around to face Conan, but it was too late, his long, pale, albino hand seemed almost to go in slow motion as one pigment-void finger gently caressed Jesus' sandal.

"Conan, NOOOOO!" Everyone screamed as the floor dropped out beneath them and they began to fall, and fall, and fall....

"Oomph!" Jon shouted as he landed on something soft.

"Mommy!" Steve shouted, landing on top of him.

"Holy crackas!" Rock cried, landing on Conan who was shouting something in gaelic.

"Argh..." everyone groaned as the picked themselves up off the floor.

"Where ARE we?" Lauren asked, rubbing her bottom and fixing her thong.

"My glasses!" Mo cried, "I lost my glasses! I'm blind!"

"My finger!" Lewis shouted, "I broke my finger! I'm ruined!"

"We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die," Matt whimpered, peeing himself.

"Everyone shut up!" Craig said from under Jon, who had landed on top of him. "Just keep calm and we'll figure this out."

Everyone quieted down and looked around them. They had fallen into a deep, dark pit with no windows, no exits and perhaps most unfortunately for Matt--no bathrooms.

"Well...it's not that bad..." Conan tried to say cheerfully as Nancy and Steve held Lewis back.

"Ok," Jon said, thinking. "So we're trapped deep in an underground pit, being stalked by a stark raving mad washed up talk show host. There's no means of escape and no one knows we're here. What to do, what to do..."

Suddenly the ceiling creaked above them as it slowly started moving downward.

"AHHH!" everyone screamed.

"Ok, well it can't get worse!" Jon tried to say cheerfully.

All of a sudden, a hundred jagged spikes popped up from the floor and ceiling, making everyone jump back and ripping Lauren's skirt.

"Hey!" Lauren said, now standing in only her thong. Then, she shrugged. "Oh well, I'm hot."

"Help! Help! I'm too black to die!" Rock cried.

"DO SOMETHING!" Jon shouted at Kilborn. "And HURRY!" he added, pressing himself against the wall to get out of the way of the large spike slowly coming down upon himself and the others....

By Annie
The relentless steel creaked and groaned as the spikes pressed closer and closer together. The group pressed themselves to the ground, wrapping their bodies around the spikes in the floor, praying, singing, and weeping.

Meanwhile, back at JSIA headquarters....

"You like that, huh?" shouted Annie. Melly held Agent 142's left leg, Kelly held 142's right leg, and Sara J. 142's head cheek-down on the ground. Annie gave Agent 142's underwear a particularly violent tug. The panties were just about halfway up 142's back. The atomic wedgie was almost complete.

Meanwhile, back at Spike-Laden Scary Room....

The spikes moved closer and closer to our heroes! How would they ever escape? Would anyone ever rescue them? If not, who, if anyone, would clean up the terrible mess afterwards? Melly? With her mop and Lysol? And would it be pine or lemon scented?

Meanwhile, back at JSIA headquarters....

Annie held Agent 142 down as Kelly, Melly, and Sara busied themselves filling up 142's pants with shaving cream. Fortunately, the cans had been on sale at Target two for a dollar, so they were already up to a dozen cans. Agent 142 squirmed and squirmed to no avail.

Meanwhile, back at Spike-Laden Scary Room....

Oh, the agony of despair! How short their lives had been! How many moments did they now remember with regret as their deaths looked them straight in eye and shrieked with mocking laughter? If only they had told their mothers that they loved them one last time! If only they had hugged their fathers before this hideous end! If only they had gone ahead and had sex with their cousins, even if it was wrong! The opportunities lost! The gift of life -- gone!

Meanwhile, back at JSIA headquarters....

Having knocked Agent 142 out with a Unisom/TylenolPM/Nyquil cocktail, all the agents could barely suppress their giggles as they carefully placed 142's hand in warm water.

Meanwhile, back at Spike-Laden Scary Room....

The spikes groaned and squealed.

Then stopped.

The entire group, cowering on the ground, looked up in surprise.

"Oh my god!" they heard Kathie Lee scream in the distance. "Those f**kers didn't stagger the spikes! They better give me my goddamn money back!"

The spikes from the ceiling had perfectly met the spikes in the ground and had come to a screeching halt. Some of the spikes had bent tips from the pressure, but the ceiling had completely ceased to fall. (This is what happens when you don't hire union dungeon builders and rely instead on the Minions of Evil's Dungeons 'R Us contractors.)

The group heard Kathie's harsh muttering. Then it stopped. They slowly and carefully started grouping towards the middle of the room. And that's when the water started pouring in.

"Christ on a cracker," groaned Jon.

By Sara J

"I don't wanna die, Stephen!" Steve shrieked.

"Me either, Stevo," Colbert said, for once holding his friend instead of pushing him back. "Me either."

"You know..." Steve said, "One last time, I just want you to know..."

"What, Steve?"

"I love you, Stephen. You're...like a brother to me."

"Oh...well, one last time, I want you to know, Steve..." Stephen said. Steve looked up at him.

"You..." Colbert began. He snickered and shoved Steve. "Are such a puss!"

Meanwhile, Jon turned to Craig. "You gotta get us out of here!"

Craig didn't answer, but merely looked up and around as the water rose higher and higher around them.

"We're gonna die," Mo, nearby, said. "I can't see, but we're gonna die. I can feel it."

Jon looked over at Kilborn. "You...you led us into this! I knew we couldn't trust you! We're gonna die, and it's all because of you! Well, it's not gonna be that easy, pal. If we're going down, you're coming with us!"

Jon jumped up to try and pull Craig down, but alas, he couldn't reach. Nevertheless, he continued to jump like a kid trying to reach the countertop.

Suddenly, Craig snapped his fingers. "That's it!"

He grabbed Jon by the wrist and ran sloshing through the water, dragging the little Jew behind him. When he finally stopped at the other end of the cavern, Jon yanked his arm away.

"What the f*bleep* is wrong with you?!" he yelled.

"Jon, look up--"

"I mean, I know you're trying to kill us and all, but do you have the scare the hell out me first?"

"Jon, look up--!"

"Really! It's just not necessary! I mean, just let us die and get it over wi--ow!"

At this point, Craig yanked Jon's head back by his hair so he had no choice but to look up. There, several feet above them, was a vast, dark opening in the wall.

"Oh. What's that?"

"That is the entryway to tunnel seven. It's our only chance to get out of here alive. The water trap fills to the top and tunnel seven closes."

"But there's no way to get up there!" Jon countered.

Craig smirked. "Isn't there?"

Right where he was standing, Craig pulled a brick out of the wall and punched in a code on the keys that lay beneath. Like magic, stone stairs leading up to tunnel seven seemed to grow out of the wall.

"Woah. Secrets. Is the whole lair built like this?"

"Pretty much."

"Nice."

"Okay, so--"

"Who knew Kathie Lee had access to that kind of technology..."

Craig rolled his eyes. "Okay, so--"

"And if she does, why is she operating from a sewer?"

"Jon!"

Jon shut up and looked at Craig.

"Look, just grab the others so we can get the f*bleep* out of here!"

Jon nodded and circled around the cavern, half running, half-swimming, and pulling everyone into following him back to Craig. By the time they got back to him, nobody could stand on the cavern floor with their heads above water.

One by one, they climbed up the stairs until the rapidly rising water lapped at tunnel seven's edge and Craig pulled a lever that closed a spiral door at the entrance to the tunnel.

Jon looked at Craig. "I...that is, I...sorry? I'm sorry."

Kilborn didn't answer, but stood up and wrung out his tie. "From here, we have three ways to go," he began.

"What about a threeway?" Stephen spoke up.

Lewis smacked him upside his head. "Drain the water out of your ears, moron!" he snapped.

"Craig, I--" Jon started, but Kilborn cut him off.

"We can either go down this tunnel, we can climb up..." he walked over to a hole in the tunnel's roof, "Through there, which leads to tunnel twelve, or we can go through..." he walked a ways down to another tunnel opening, "This way, which leads...hell, I don't know. Left."

Mo straightened his bowtie. "Has anyone seen my glasses?" he asked. "I sincerely hope they weren't left in that water trap..."

"Craig, I--" Jon started again, but stopped when Kilborn reached into his pocket, pulled out a pair of black-framed glasses and tossed them in Mo's direction.

"Catch," he said mockingly. Mo reached out blindly and nearly dropped the glasses once, twice, thrice when he caught them, and then put them on.

Jon sighed.

"Okay, so...which way?" Lauren asked.

"Where does tunnel twelve lead?" Nancy asked.

"To the heart of the beast, my friend," Craig said. "Kathie's control center."

"Ooh, that sounds dangerous!" Steve said, cowering behind Nancy.

"So..." Mo said, looking up at the entrance to tunnel twelve. He looked over his shoulder to Conan. "Still got those Koosh balls, Conan?"

"Complete with Koosh-Launchin' Jesus," Conan said.

"Great," Mo replied. "Then to qoute one of the greatest superheroes of all time..."

He glanced over his shoulder dramatically.

"Let's get dangerous."

by Kelly

Carell hung onto Colbert for dear life. "Oh, Colbey.. I'm so scared!"

Jon stopped dead in his tracks, pulling Rock back. "Damn boy, whatchu trying to do?!" Rock yelled.

Jon motioned for him to be quiet. "Rock, who's Carell hanging onto?"

Rock rolled his eyes. "Uh, Jon? You lost it cracka! That's Colbert!" he said in a stage whisper.

Jon nodded, his eyes flashing at Rock.

"Oh shit." Rock said, catching on. "But... Colbert's been..."

"Kidnapped." Jon said, nodding, looking around.

"Where the f@#$ did he come from?!" Rock said, tensing his body up.

Jon shrugged. "I don't know.. I guess maybe when we all fell?"

Rock nodded. "Yeah, it was all pretty hectic then... but why wouldn't he say something?"

"Cause it's not Colbert, Rock." Jon said, grabbing Conan's belt loop and pulling him back.

Rock shrugged. "So, what, it's Pod Colbert?"

Conan looked at the two. "What the hell, Jon? Did you just grab my ass?"

Jon took his hand out of Conan's belt loop. "No! Look, somehow Colbert came back."

Conan looked up at Steve hanging onto Colbert. "Wha... how the.. how did we not notice that?!"

Jon shrugged. "I don't know!"

Suddenly Steve shouted. "You're not Colbert!"

Colbert, or, not... looked aghast. "Ofcourse I am Stevo!"

"First of all, Stephen never calls me Stevo! And second of all, where's your best friends forever medallion?!"

Colbert-not rolled his eyes. "Christ, you guys ahve medallions? How gay can three heterosexual, married, guys be?!

Steve welled up with tears, folding his arms. "Who are you?!"

Jon, Rock, and Conan ran up. "Who are you and why are pretending to be Colbert?!"

Pod-Colbert ripped off his face. "What gave me away?" He said, flashing his pearly whites.

"Tom CRUISE?!!!" Jon yelled, flabberghasted.

Tom nodded. "Thanks to John Woo and Mission Impossible, I now have the capability to look like anyone I want to!" He stepped off of his two foot leg extentions and stood at his correct height.

"My god! Whatever for, Tom?!" Jon yelled, totally taken off guard.

"You were mean to Rosie! You called her fat!" Steve yelled, pouting.

Tom turned icey eyes to Jon. "Because I hate you, Stewart... I AM NOT FOUR INCHES TALL! I AM THE SAME HEIGHT AS YOU! FIVE FREAKING FOOT SEVEN!"

Jon snorted. "Well, what with my Eyes being Wide Shut and all, I couldn't tell..."

"I'll get you Stewart!" Cruise said, lunging at Jon...

by Elle

Jon screams in fright and puts his arms up to shield himself from the collision. But in confusion he lowers his arms as there is no blow after a few seconds.

He finds that there is a badly beaten body on the ground with another kneeling beside him and... Punching his lights out! Ironically its Steve Carell flinging the shots in furious anger!

"YOU-- DIRTY-- COTTON-- PICKING-- MOTHER-- F'ING-- COLBERT-- IMPOSTER!!!" he cries in agony, punching one punch between each word.

"Ew..." "Ouchie!" "That's gotta hurt!" "He'll feel that one in the morning!" "Nice Carell!" "Throw them punches like your momma taught you!" Conan and Rock say between Steve's words, switching off so each can make their own comment.

Jon stands still in awe at the sight before him. To imagine... All that pent up anger, rage, and sadness could be no longer held in by the ever-gentle Carell. Obviously someone had broken the dam...

by Annie

Steve finally collapsed to the floor in exhaustion. He curled up into a fetal position and cried into Nancy's pant cuff. Cruise, hurt and battered, reached out a quivering hand toward Jon. "You and I," Cruise hissed through his blood-stained lips, "are brotherssss ...."

Jon shook his head. "Look, Tom, you're a scientologist, I'm a Jew. It's just not realistic, you know? I don't believe you."

Cruise made an impatient gesture. "No, no .... you and I ... like midgets ... like Sylvester Stallone ... call them, Jon ... call ... them ...." Cruise then died, much like his performances in the vast majority of his movies.

"What the f**k is he talking about?" wondered Jon.

Craig cleared his throat. Everyone turned to look at him. "Kathie has a lot of tricks up her sleeve," said Craig. "She consulted the Oracle of 'Oliness a few years ago and learned that a five foot seven inch man would lead all the little people to the Promise Land and eradicate evil from the earth. Fearing for her safety, Kathie then rounded up all the little people she could and brainwashed them against you, Jon. By the time she was done with them, they were willing to do her every bidding, including pulling helpless people from a shattered van."

"That's how she got them to kidnap us before!" cried Steve.

"Yes, you're very smart," snapped Craig. "Now shut up." Steve sniffled, then reburied his face in Nancy's pants. "Kathie lost control of the midgets since they went out on their own, and she hasn't had the power to regroup them since. But the Oracle revealed that any man of diminuitive stature could summon the great power of the little people. You, Jon, have that power."

"What the f**k are you talking about?" said Jon.

"When the time comes, you can call them," said Craig.

"But how?" asked Jon.

"I don't know," confessed Craig. "We'll just have to find out. Now let's get a move on."

With that, everyone started down Tunnel 12.

By Melly

Note: I had just finished typing a lengthy and amusing addition when I somehow, deleted it. I am now pissed off. The following is short due to my irritation.

Leaving the dead, rumoredly gay and sterile superstar behind, the crew headed down the dark tunnel.

AFter walking for what seemed like hours, they began to hear a voice far off in the distance.

"HEEEELP!"

They strained to hear. Was it Colbert?

"I know too many horny sluts to die!"

It was!

"STEPHEN!" they yelled, running down the tunnel. After turning a corner, they found him, strapped to a table with a buzz saw slowly moving towards his crotch--Bond style.

"Oh God!" Stephen cried, "Thank you! Save my dick! Forget me, save Willy! Hang on, Willy!"

Jon ran up to the table and fiddled with the lock. "It's no use! We need a key!" he said helplessly.

Craig immediately took out his cellphone. "This is a job for Bob Saget!" he said, dialing a number.

Everyone stared, even Stephen, stunned.

"BOB SAGET?!?" Everyone cried.

"Zip it!" Craig said, dialing his phone. "Hi, is Bob there? This is Craig....Sags! How the hell are ya?"

"Sags?" Lewis said, nursing his finger "Boy are you two a couple of fruits or what."

Craig went on, "Didja get my fruit basket? Great! Yeah, I got the bathrobe you sent over, you were right, it is soft...(giggling)...you are SO funny!"

"Excuse me," Colbert said from the corner. "But in a matter of minutes I am going to be excruciatingly de-wangified before dying a slow, bloody, agonizing death. So you think you can SPEED THINGS UP A BIT!?"

"Sags, I'm sorry, I'll have to be Frank...(giggling)..ok, you can be Nancy. Anyway, I'm down in a sewer owned and maintained by Kathie Lee with the gang from the Daily Show, Chris Rock and Conan O'Brien...what? Yes, I know all my stories start out that way, but just listen. Kathie Lee's got Colbert hooked up to something, I dunno what it is, a meat slicer, gonna chop his willy off...what? yeah, that would hurt, I know. But we need you down here. I know you can stop it....huh? Let me ask."

Craig cupped a hand over his phone and said, "He wants to know how he's going to get here."

Everyone looked at each other. They hadn't thought of that.

"I know!" Jon said. "Those girls! Where are they? How do we get them back? HEY!" Jon shouted, waving at the ceiling. "HELLO!"

"Jon," Lauren said, calmly stepping forward. "They're women, I'm a woman, let me handle this." Clearing her throat, she looked up at the ceiling and shouted, "JON IS HORNY AND HAS NO PANTS ON!"

Immediately, four figures fell from the ceiling in a flash of light. Scrambling to get up from the floor, they clawed at each other to get to Jon first.

"I'm the president of the agency!"

"I've seen his stand up show THREE times!"

"Big deal! Let us have a turn then!"

"Dammit Sara, let go of my hair!"

Lauren put her fingers in her mouth and whistled. Colbert notcied for the first time that she was wearing a button down shirt and a thong. "Hey, Weedie, nice rags, you dirty slut."

"Stephen, I'll speed that de-wangification up, I mean it," she said calmly. "Ladies, Jon would like to speak with you."

The girls turned eagerly towards their Adonis, Kelly giving Annie another shove for good measure.

"I knew it, you're divorcing Tracey and taking me as your wife!" Melly said eagerly.

The other girls snickered. "Hey, it could happen!" she said indignantly.

"Actually, it's Craig who needs you guys," Jon said, wondering how they knew his wife's name

Sara sighed, "It's his hair, isn't it?"

"Ladies, I need you to use your teleportation device and bring Bob Saget here, " Craig said. "Please, we need him to help Stephen."

The four stared at Craig, then at each other.

"Are you SURE you're not gonna marry me?" Melly asked Jon.

"Bob Saget," Annie fumed. "I want to kill him off."

"Honey, your hair IS mussed!" Sara said to Craig.

"C'mon, just yell something, anything. It's so cute. Let's try dammit." Kelly was saying to Steve.

They were all interrupted by an uncontrollable weeping coming from the corner. "I...love...my...dick..." Stephen sobbed.

"Oh fine," Annie said. "You men and your preoccupation your damn equipment. Where's Boob, anyway?"

"Bob," Craig corrected.

"Whatever," Annie said.

by Annie

Annie pulled a small device that resembled a palm pilot out of her pocket. She pressed a few buttons and a tiny monitor popped out of the middle of the device. The monitor glowed blue.

"FREE WILLY!" screamed Stephen, struggling against his bonds. "FREE WILLY!"

"I need a transport," said Annie, briskly.

"So how big was it?!" screamed an excited female voice from the monitor.

"I didn't see it," said Annie, sadly. A chorus of disappointed groans emanated from the monitor. Melly wiped away tears. Kelly sniffled. Sara took out a comb. Annie punched a few keys and pushed a large button. The monitor flickered red and slid back into the device.

"I'M TOO YOUNG FOR A SCHLONGECTOMY!" Stephen gurgled.

There was a bright flash of light, and there, in all his glory, was ... BOB DENVER!

"Gilligan!" Steve cried with delight.

"Oh crap!" said Kelly, grabbing the device from Annie. Kelly quickly punched in a few keys.

Another flash of light produced John Denver, carrying a guitar.

"What the f--" shouted Melly, grabbing the device from Kelly

Another flash of light produced John Wayne, who, dead, was of little use.

"Sunshine..." sang John Denver.

"I LOVE YOU PETER JOHNSON!" cried Stephen.

Sara started combing Craig's hair, lightly stroking his ear with her fingers.

"on my shoulders..."

Annie grabbed the device and punched in more keys. Stephen disappeared in a flash of light then reappeared on the ground near John Denver.

"Why didn't I think of that?" said Craig, not noticing Sara leaning in to bite his earlobe. "Ow!"

"makes me happeee!"

Stephen let out an ear-piercing shriek and grabbed his crotch. He jumped to his feet and shouted with joy. "I'm am the Wang Mastah!" he yelled. "The Weiner King! The Jumpin' Johnson!" He wiggled his ass and danced with utter abandon.

By Melly

After Colbert had finished his Dance of the Seven Wangs, he turned to everyone with a huge smile on his face. "Magic Johnson is secured. We can go kill Kathie Lee now."

Jon rolled his eyes and turned to the four drop-dead gorgeous agents. "Thank you so much for helping us. How can I ever repay you?"

The four agents exchanged evil grins with each other. "Uh...we'll let you know." Annie said, suppressing a giggle.

"Yeah, we'll send you a bill," Kelly said.

"And then you can drop it in my slot!" Melly exclaimed.

Melly and Kelly giggled together while Jon, completely unaware of what exactly the girls meant, shrugged. "Uh...ok." he said.

Sara, meanwhile, was comforting Kilby who was terribly disappointed that his good buddy, Saggy Bob, was not coming after all. "Call me later, Sags. We need to dish!" he said, hanging up.

Steve was sucking his thumb and rocking back and forth on the floor. When Nancy asked him what was wrong, he said, "I see dead people!"

"Oh yeah," Nancy said, referring to Bob Denver, John Wayne, and John Denver who were standing in the corner looking confused. "What about them?"

"I can fix that!" Annie said, taking out her device. With a couple clicks, all three were gone. "There we go. Uh...Jon?" she said, trying not to giggle. "That's gonna cost extra."

Sara, Melly and Kelly had to pinch each other to stop from laughing.

"Uh...sure." Jon said. "Like I said, just send me the bill."

"We will," Sara said. "With complete instructions on how to 'pay' it."

"Stop it!" Annie whispered, punching some more buttons on her transport device. "Well, we're off, but we'll be watching out for you. Don't hesitate to call if you need us."

Everyone waved as the four girls stepped into the portal of light, still giggling about what they were going to put on Jon's "bill". The last thing Jon heard was Kelly saying something about a "handling fee".

Jon shook his head. "I wonder how much it's gonna be?" he wondered.

Lauren and Nancy exchanged a look and snickered. "Nothing you won't be able to pay, there Jonny." Lauren said, grinning.

"Ok," Jon said. "Well, where do we go now?"

Suddenly everyone shivered as a soft, electronic, computer-aided voice wafted towards them from Tunnel 14. "Jooooooon..." it said.

"We go that way, my friend," Colbert said. And the group pushed on into the blackness, always weary of midgets and incredibly hot women.

By Elle

Suddenly, the walls seemed to shift and everyone fell silent except for Carell's whimpering, "Shut-up damn it!" Lewis yells under his breath.

"Nobody, move..." Mo freezes and everyone follows his suit.

Then, two dull lights seem to flicker and blink within the dark hall. "Who the hell has blinking lamps?" Matt questions walking forward down the tunnel.

Mo answers hurriedly, "Walsh, those aren't lights..." as the pair of blinking lights multiplies and seems to come closer up around the curved walls.

"Oh crap! They're f'ing midgets!" Colbert shouts and begins to run back.

"LITTLE PEOPLE!!!" Lauren corrects dramatically starting to run too.

"No, don't run! they'll only come quicker!" Rocca shouts.

"We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" Steve shouts clinging onto Nancy who only utters, "Shit!" and follows Stephen.

By Kelly

//Back at the JSIA headquarters\\

Kelly bit on her nail. "Now what?"

"What?" Sara said, dusting off her worn Converse Shoes. "Damn tunnels... do you know how old these things are?! Jeez, no more tunnels, they'll be RUINED!"

Mel sat hunched over the screen of her computer. "Hmmm.. what's a good way of saying 'You owe me some hot Jewish lovin' in technical-ish terms?"

"What the?" Sara said, finally satisfied with her Converse's cleanness.

"For his bill.. I'm trying to be witty and.. I got nothin!"

Kelly giggled. "I don't know... dude... are we actually going to mail him a porno-bill?"

Mel laughed. "I don't know! I just... was playing around! Leave me alone, whore!"

Kelly laughed.

Annie sighed. "You two are mean to each other."

"Ah, yes. Don't you love it?" Mel said, turning back to the computer.

"It's out of love!" Kelly said.

"So, what were you saying now what for, Kel?" Sara said, sitting down.

Kelly chewed on her bottom lip. "Well, apparently Annie made Tom tell Jon that he could beckon the midgets..."

"Little people." Sara mumbled, caught by the image of Craig on the screen.

"Midgets, okay? I don't give a crud for PC crap.. Anyway, that he could beckon the midgets, and now we have to somehow find some sort of mystic way for him to magically beckon them?! I've never read Lord of the Rings! I'm not into fantasy! I GOT NOTHING!"

Sara looked at Kelly like she was on crack. "Jesus, calm down freakazoid."

Kelly bit her lip. "But it's such a good twist, and i can't think of anything!!!!!!!"

Annie sighed. "Well, I don't know.. we'll think of something."

Kelly sighed. "I hope so, cause I'm stressin."

Sara snorted. "Really? Couldn't tell!"

By Annie

The midgets shoved Jon over the edge of the river of sewage. Jon plunged into the filthy water. As he broke through the surface for air, he noticed the others had been shoved in the water with him. The entire group swirled in the muddy river of waste as the midgets cackled and hooted above them.

The water continued to swirl, which puzzled Jon because the river should have been flowing in one direction. He then realized they were in a giant whirlpool. Walls had come down to seal off this portion of the river into a pool, of sorts. Round and round they went, faster and faster. A sudden cloud of white covered them all and the bubbled the water. They were churned and thrown about in the water like helpless dolls. Then they were spun about again so fast that they were pressed against the walls of the pool.

A sudden cloud of bluish liquid covered them all and they were suddenly showered with fresh water. Then the spinning resumed and they were stuck against the pool walls again.

The spinning stopped, and the group fell onto the floor in a damp pile. The floor of the now-empty pool opened, dropping the screaming comics into a gigantic metal cylindrical tub. It began to spin also. A fierce heat blazed from every direction. Jon clung to Steve, who clung to Stephen, who tried to pull of Lauren's thong. Craig wept as his hair stood on end from all the dampness and Conan cheered as his pompadour got bigger and bigger.

Their skins nearly blistered from the hot air. Then the floor of the tub opened and dropped then onto a gigantic white towel. The poor, fluffy, cottony-soft, spring fresh group struggled to their feets.

And turned to see an impeccably dressed woman standing in front of them, smiling.

"Martha Stewart!" screamed Nancy. "Can you tell me the best way to create a ribbon board?"

Martha smiled lightly. "Not right now. You are all creased and wrinkled. I have to fix that." Martha pulled out from her behind back a gigantic iron, as long as the typical ironing board.

It was set to steam.

She walked towards the group with a menacing smile, the iron pulsing and gurgling.

By Kelly

Jon suddenly pointed at Martha. "WAIT A MINUTE?!"

Martha looked around. "What? Is there a wrinkle in my skirt?"

Jon laughed pointing at her. "You're DEAD! HA! Craig killed you with his hairspray!"

Martha snorted. "Only holds for up to 18 hours, Jon my friend. It's a good thing."

Craig hung his head. "True story, Jon. Sorry."

She grabbed Jon by his hair and with feirce, and surprising, strength, pulled him on top of a huge ironing board, three flying midgets materializing and locking him down to the metallic board.

[[Oh... Jon tied down.. Mmmmm....]]

((Just write the story Kelly!))

[[Right, right, my bad... Mmmmmmmmmm]]

((Carry on then!))

[[OKAY! CHRIST! Can't a girl just lust for a moment in peace?!]]

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!!" Jon screamed.

Martha laughed maniacally, then begin coughing, giving Jon a chance to think before being ironed.

"Damnit, if only I could think of how to get them to my level!!!"

Steve clung onto Colbert. "Stephen, she's gonna kill our Jonny!"

Stephen cleared his throat, tightening an arm around Steve. "No she won't... everything will work out for the best."

Steve looked up at him. "How do you know?"

Stephen looked at him. "I don't, but that's what you say in times like these. On the plus side, I think the inpromtu wash cycle washed the piss out of my pants cause I smell IRISH SPRING CLEAN!"

Mo looked at Stephen witheringly. "It's Downey, you moron. Irish Spring is a soap."

"Okay, Mr. Know it all, the operative word there was clean, kay?!"

by Sara J

Meanwhile, back at the JSIA...

The four hot agents stood in a circle while Annie set the dials on her transporter.

"Okay, everyone ready? Hang on!" Annie hollered dramatically.

"Dude, we've done this a trazillion times," Sara said. "I think we've got the hang of it by now."

Pause.

"Shut up," Annie hissed.

Flipping all the switches, a bright blueish-white light began to fill the room.

"Hey, guys, what are--" Agent 288727 walked back into the room carrying a tray of Long Island iced teas and froze. "What's going on here?"

Annie flipped off the switches. "We're off on a mission, Agent Elle. We know the lyrics, and we know how to use them. Thank you for your help, and we must be off."

"Wait!" Agent Elle called. "Can I come, too?"

The four agents exchanged looks.

"Um...maybe on the next one, Agent Elle," Annie said.

"Yeah, we're kinda old pros at this point," Kelly said.

"We can't take the risk of you getting hurt, or lost, or ki--er...well, yeah, killed," Melly added.

"We shouldn't be gone long," Annie said. "Then again, we might be out for days. We can't predict what'll happen."

Agent Elle nodded. "I've almost finished my JSIA training...but I suppose I should wait until my training is complete."

"That's the spirit, pepper!" Sara said. Annie, Kelly and Melly turned to look at her.

"What?"

Annie shook her head. "Anyway, thank you again, Elle. Your help is highly appreciated. But we gotta go, like, now, or the gang's dead where they stand."

She flipped on her transporter and the blueish-white light began to flood the room again.

"Hang on!" Annie shouted again.

Sara rolled her eyes. "Okay, hang on to what?"

The four agents argued back and forth, too wrapped up in their bickering to notice Agent Elle creeping into the transport light.

~*~*~*~

back with the gang...

"Somebody help me!" Jon shrieked while Stephen and Mo argued over soap.

Conan could only stare at Martha, transfixed by this powerful, domineering woman. The bad news? He was the only one with the Koosh Balls that could destroy her.

"Where are those four hot agent chicks?" Jon yelled. "They said they'd help us!"

As if on cue, a flash of blueish-white light filled the area and the four ladies, still fighting, appeared.

Martha whirled around, evil in her eyes and steam rising from her enormous iron. The four agents stopped and stared. Sara dropped the finger she was pointing at Kelly.

"Oh, shit."

Sensing their power, Martha lunged at them with the iron. Annie was all set with the transporter, ready to zap the domestic diva to Uzbekistan, but before she could hit the button, Elle unplugged the iron.

"Elle?!" Annie yelled. "How did you...why did you...I told you...!"

Martha reared back and grabbed the new agent. She pulled out a sage green curtain sash and tied Elle to a nearby pipe.

"I'll deal with you later!" Martha growled, and turned her attention back to the four agents. She plugged her iron back in and aimed it at the Stephen, Stevo and the others.

"Move and die!"

"Okay, just get that thing away from me," Colbert said. "You're steaming up my glasses."

"Yours and mine both," Mo said, as he and Colbert slipped off their specs to wipe them on their jackets.

"I said move and die!" Martha hissed, holding the iron closer to them. They held their hands up. She turned, and they put their glasses back on. She turned back and eyed them...then turned back to the four hot agents.

But they were gone.

She whirled around. Jon was gone. Agent Elle was gone.

A flash of blueish-white light. She spun back around. The gang was gone.

Martha let out an angry howl and ran off down the tunnel in search of our heroes.

By Kelly

"Oh my GOD! That was CLOSE!" Stephen yelled.

Jon waved his hand in front of his face. "Uh.. am I blind, or are we in the dark?"

A lighter lit up Kelly's face and they all screamed. "CHRIST! Am I that scary to look at?!" She said, laughing.

"No.. no, y ou just.. startled me.. reminds me of Halloween." Steve said, voice trembling.

"Annie, where the frig are we?" Sara mumbled to Annie who was fiddling with her palm-pilot world-transmitter thingimagigger.

"I don't know... this thing is going haywire.. I wonder if we're near like, electrical wires or something."

Kelly rose her lighter up and looked around. "AAAAAAAAAAA!" She screamed.

Jon, who was still trying to get himself untied from the giant ironing board jumped and wound up making the board fall from it's pegs and land on the floor with a loud thump.

"Annie! We're in a cave and there's friggin' BATS!!!" Kelly squealed, shuddering and dropping her lighter.

"GREAT KELLY!" Sara yelled, swatting her upside the head. "You just got rid of our only light source!"

"A cave? Bats? Uh.... Uh......... I don't like bats." Steve cowered behind Stephen.

"Ugh..." Jon said, standing up. "On the plus side, I seem to be off that ironing board, on the not so plus side, I do believe I fell in bat guano."

"Guano?" Kilborn asked.

"Yes, that would be bat shit, shit for brains." Lewis snarled at him.

"A cave? That's not right, we were supposed to be back at the JSIA headquarters."

"Um.. helllllooooooooo?" Elle said from a slight distance. "Could someone untie me?"

"OH!" Jon said, trying to find her. "Keep talking, where are you?"

"I'm uh.. I'm right here? I don't know.. what do you want from me, I'm just as in the dark as you are."

"Bah dum, bum." Kelly said, making a mock drum roll, giggling to herself.

"Why are we in a CAVE?!" Annie said, punching at her little palm pilot. "And why is this thing not coming on?! It has a little light!!!!"

Sara finally closed her hand around a small metal thing. "AHA!" She said, picking it up. "The lighter..." She tried to click it, but instead cut herself. "OW!"

All of a sudden a light came from Stephen's direction. "Stephen! You have a ligher?" Steve shouted.

"Yes, my friend, I do."

"Okay, well, guys" Jon said, having freed Elle, "At least we're not about to be un-wrinkled anymore."

Elle came over to the other agents. "I snuck on."

"Well, no shit Sherlock!" Sara snorted.

Elle laughed. "Sorry?"

"Ah, forget that for now, we gotta figure out why we're in a cave, what else is IN the cave, how to get OUT of the cave, and where the cave is." Kelly said, looking around, using Stephen's hand as a guide light, dragging him around, looking at all sides of the cave. "Uh guys? Good news and bad news."

"Oh boy." Mo said, sitting down, carefully feeling for guano.

"Good news first." Jon said, standing with his arms crossed.

"Well, we're all together!" She said, smiling apprehensively. "And, it's just us and the bats, no bears, or tigers, or cougars or whatever."

Annie shook her head. "But how do you know that? There could be bears or tigers or cougars in the other parts of the cave."

"Ah, right, remember that whole 'and bad news' part of my sentence?"

"Yeah." Mel said.

"We're blocked in."

"What? Blocked in?" Steve asked, getting even more scared. "Blocked in how."

"As in no way out, partner. As in, no way in, no way out. As in, we're stuck. As in, there's no tunnels, no holes, no doorways, no nothin'. " Stephen said calmly.

"Well, shit on me." Jon said. "ARG!" He yelled suddenly. "I didn't mean literally, stupid BATS!"

Suddenly a flapping sound was heard and thousands of screeches filled the hole. "You've done it now Jon! They're awake!" Lewis said, pointing at the bats beginning to fly.

The whole cave was engulfed in flying bats and the group was trapped....

By Melly

"Hold me, Nancy!" Steve screeched, clinging on to Nancy who comforted him.

"Hey! Who's hand is that?" Jon demanded.

"Sorry," Melly said.

The group stared upward as the bats circled, getting closer and closer...

"W-w-What if those are V-V-Vampire bats?" Steve stuttered, sucking his thumb.

"We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" sobbed Conan.

"Shut up!" Annie said. "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's seeing a 6'4" man cry!"

"Hold me Craig!" Sara shrieked, jumping into his arms. "Mo, you come hold me too."

As the gang braced for a seemingly imminent bat-attack, they heard one shriek louder and closer than the shrieks of the bats...

"AAAHHHH!" Lauren cried. "It's in my hair! Get it out!"

"Weedie! I'll save you!" Colbert said, chasing the frantically running and screaming Lauren around the dark cave, stepping on people as they went.

"OW! That was my hand!" Kelly yelled.

Everyone watched (as best they could in the dark) as Colbert finally lunged toward Lauren, tackling her and landing on top of her on the floor. "Hold still!" he whispered furiosuly.

As Colbert finally wrestled the tiny creature out of Lauren's hair, he was totally taken off guard when it started...cussing at him.

"Hey, you %@#$ing four eyes! F*@#ing put me down now!"

"Huh?" Colbert asked, confused.

"F@#$ you! F@#$ you!"

"Christ on a crack whore! It's a midget!!" Colbert shrieked, dropping the tiny winged gnome.

"Look! They're all midgets!" Lauren said, from her position on the floor.

The winged midget, freed from Colbert's grasp, shook itself off and flew back in his face, "Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it, dildo face?"

"Hey! Come back here, you spider bait, I'll tear you little wings off!"

"They're midgets?" Jon half asked, half said. He scratched his head. "More midgets? Oh! They must be the same midgets from before."

"What is it with Kathie Lee and midgets?" Kelly wondered.

"What are we gonna do, Jon?" Steve asked, still clinging to Nancy.

"By my calculations, we should--RUN!" Mo screamed, running after Colbert who was still running from the brave, indignant midget.

"Your mom was like a doorknob, everyone had a turn!" the midget was saying to Colbert.

"Don't talk about my mom!"

"What was Mo running from?" Jon asked.

"AHHHH!" Melly screeched, grabbing on to Jon. "She's back!"

Everyone turned to see...Mini-Lee! Her yellow teeth gleamed in the dark, her chin covered with slime and spittle, her tiny midgeted fist grasping on to a long, silver knife.

"It's a pit of death! We're in a pit of death!" Conan shrieked.

And so they all began to run in circles because there was no where else to run. Mini-Lee chased them all, tiring them out and waiting for when she could fillet them. Colbert had caught a hold of the midget and, because of its small size, could only alternate between beating it against a rock and pinching it.

"Guys," Kelly said, catching up to Annie, Melly and Sara.

"Yeah?" Annie said, breathlessly, trying to avoid Mini-Lee's grubby little dwarf hands.

"They're midgets, right?" Kelly said, almost out of breath.

"No....shit!" Sara said, gasping for air.

"Well...*gasp* Jon....has...*gasp*"

"THE POWER!" they all cried.

"Where is Jon?" Annie asked.

"Over there by Agent Elle!" Sara said.

"Right," Annie nodded. "Tackle him."

"You don't have to ask me twice!" Melly shrieked, as they all ran over to Jon and tackled him, landing on top of him on the floor.

"What the huh? Who the huh?" Jon sputtered.

"Sing!" Kelly cried.

"What?" Jon said.

"Sing, dammit!" Sara cried.

"You girls are really nutty, you know that?" Jon said, trying to get up.

"Jon! Listen! You have the power to control the midgets! Sing, what was it, Elle?" Annie said.

"The munchkin song!" Elle answered.

"It's worth a shot! DO it!" Kelly ordered.

"AHHHHHHH! One of them crawled down my pants!" Steve cried, running by with a midget's legs just sticking out of his pants.

Jon cleared his throat, and with the girls still on top of him (oh yeah), he slowly began to sing, We are the members of the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild...

Above them, the midgets had stopped circling and turned to stare at Jon.

"Keep going!!" Melly said.

And so Jon sang even louder...

By Annie

"Songs ... they're around ... whenever you need them!" sang Jon.

"Wrong song!" everyone screamed as the midgets began to get angry. "Wrong song!"

Jon slapped himself in the head. "Right," he muttered. "Tra la la la la la la la, la la la, tra la la la la la!"

A sudden silence fell. The only noise in the damp cave was a distant dripping sound. The winged midgets, clinging upside down on the cave ceiling, had eyes that glowed red. As the group watched with awe, their eyes slowly turned white, then blue, then a normal brown. Mini Lee gurgled. Jon watched, fascinated, as Mini Lee's hair changed colors from red to green then to black. She flailed as her breasts disappeared and her penis grew. A bluish glow enveloped her for a moment, and when the light faded, standing in front of them was ...

Mini Leibowitz!

"But I changed my name," whined Jon.

"Shhh," said everyone.

Mini Lei smiled warmly at Jon. His muteness and hideous features had changed, replaced by a nice Jewish nose that was just the size Kelly liked, beautiful sparkling eyes that Melly liked, and a wonderful voice that everyone liked. "Can I tell you something?" said Mini Lei in Jon's exact voice. "I am here to serve your every need."

(Upon hearing this, the JSIA agents felt tingly.)

"Can we kidnap him?" begged Melly. "Please, Annie! I'll feed him every day! And walk him whenever he wants!" Melly's pleading was cut short by a rush of air. The winged midgets were taking flight. Mini Lei waved his arms towards the far wall of the cave. The wall opened to reveal a huge passageway.

"We have to hurry," said Mini Lei. "She's getting her beauty sleep. There's very little time." The group and the entire flock of bats started down the passageway. As they walked, midgets emerged from secret entrances and holes in the ground. They crawled down from crevices and from other passageways. By the time everyone had reached Kathie's lair, the midget army had swelled to hundreds in addition to the thousands of winged midgets, all silently following the Jon Stewart King.

When the reached the lair, Mini Lei touched the door. It opened with a slight creak and revealed Kathie's lair.

By Elle

They entered the lair, shuddering as they looked at the groud littered with puppy parts scattered hither and yon as Steve bagan to cry in Nancy's arms, "THE POOR PU-UP-IES!!!" he shouted and stuttered into Nancy's shoulder while she cooed, "It's okie day sugerbunny... Shhh... Everything will be alright..."

"You hear that?" the midget asked.

It was the sound of a ow metallic whizzing noise and a large pump sounding like that of a heart. Another sound seeming connected to it was mimicking the sounds of desperate high-pitched respirations.

Conan whined like a dog, "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

"SHHHHHH!!!" he was hushed by the group when suddenly... The respirations stopped, but the thudding continued.

"We've awakened the monster..." Kelly surmised in a deathly scared whisper.

Then, out of the shadows, Maher appeared with a evil grin upon his face like no other...

by Annie

"Bill!" Stephen whispered loudly. "Buddy! We finally made it."

Maher looked straight ahead, staring blankly. His eyes were unfocused, his stance unsteady. He staggered a bit, then fell backwards on the ground. A trickle of blood began to flow from his mouth. The eerie grin remained plastered on his face.

"Bill!" shouted Mo. Mo ran to Bill's side and tore open Maher's shirt. A gaping bloody wound horrified everyone. Maher had been stabbed with a lipstick-stained microphone!

"Bill!" screamed Stephen. "Oh my god! It's our fault! We didn't want you to die! I mean, yeah, you're kind of annoying and arrogant and you insulted Jon, but you're not nearly as irritating as Tom Cruise!"

Mo yanked the microphone out of Maher's chest and plucked a hair out of Stephen's head.

"OW!" screamed Stephen. Mo chewed off one of his fingernails and fashioned it into a needle. He began to sew up Maher's wound with Stephen's hair. The bleeding stopped, but Maher was still deathly pale.

"Say something!" yelled Stephen. "Say something!"

Maher grabbed weakly at Stephen's shirt. "The midgets," Bill gasped, "will not ... be enough. The Koosh balls ... are ... not enough. You need one ... more ... thing."

"What!" sobbed Stephen. "Oh Bill, what is it?"

Bill's grip on Stephen's shirt tightened. "Stephen," he gasped through his blood-stained lips, "you are ... are ... are ..."

"Yes?" wept Stephen.

"such ... a ... fucking ... pussy. Quit ... bawling ... you weenie. The dildo ... Stephen ... the dildo ... inside it ... is a weapon ... a weapon." Maher began to cough uncontrollably. He was near death.

Jon turned to the agents. "Take him and save him," ordered Jon, firmly.

"But we can't leave you!" shouted Annie.

Jon shook his head. "We can take care of ourselves. I ask you this one favor. Please, take him and save him."

The agents began to weep.

"Stupid ... pussies ..." wheezed Maher, between coughs.

Annie pulled out her palm pilot. She punched in a few buttons. A white glow enveloped the agents and Maher. Jon held up his hands and waved lightly. The agents waved back ... then disappeared.

The rhythmic sound of the respirator got louder.

"See what happens to traitors?" a mechanical but instantly recognizable voice cackled. "Even worse will come for my little blond baby." Kilborn cringed at flood of memories. Kathie laughed manically, and the sound of her laughter echoed in the gigantic dark room. The midgets shivered, awaiting orders from their King.

Stephen pulled out the dildo and slammed it into the ground. Amongst the shattered plastic, there was ....

by Elle

... A golden bag of Skittles.

"Whaaaaa?" Jon remarked picking up the bag.

Something clicks within Craig's mind and his eyes light up, the memories fading away, "Yes... That's it!"

At this Mo looks to him, "What?"

"Remember Jon's joke? One nation under Skittles, right?"

"Yeah, and?" Mo asks still not catching it.

"Skittles replaces God... God loves the little-"

"Creatures!" Conan cuts in starting to figure it out. "But Kathy Lee Gifford eats puppies?" he continues now stumped.

"But in doing so she defies the supreme power!" Jon pipes up.

"The Supreme Power of Skittles?" Steve questions and gets a backhand by Nancy, but Lauren stops her mid-blow,

"Wait! He's right!"

"We have to believe in the power of Skittles?" Stephen questions

"But how does this tie in with the midgets?" Jon inquires more to himself then anyone else as he strokes his chin. When suddenly...

The respirating and thumping sounds seem to draw nearer...

By Sara J.

Blue eyes shining, fearful, trapped
Missing in action
In the line of fire, all alone
Watching, watching...

Pink nails curling around controls
Wicked laughter
Devil woman devouring puppies
Watching, watching...

Four agents planning their attack
Rookie taking care
The pros gearing up to fight the beast
Watching, watching...

Mismatched crew treading close
Ready for it
Taking their places to destroy evil
Watching, watching...

Each knowing the time is near
Do or die
Hearts racing, minds spinning, souls shaking
Watching...watching...waiting...


By Elle

"EUREKA!" Mo shouts just as they hear Kathy Lee's fake laughter. "Jon you said it yourself! With the midgets!"

Jon looks to him utterly lost with an eyebrow raised.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Conan runs about in circles.

"SHUT-UP CRACKA!" Rock yells slapping him.

"Midgets love candy..." he starts again, "It connects to them with the lollipop song! So Jon," he turns to the man, "You need to call them. Stephen," he points to Colbert who still holds the bag, "Pass out the Skittles to everyone. Everybody else." he looks to the weary group. "You need to throw the Skittles to them just as they are upon us. And by theory they will eat them. Then, by the mighty power of the Skittles they will change the frequencies of their brains."

"So..." Lauren eggs on while holding her hands out for the Skittles.

"It will cause them to attack Kathy..." Craig finishes for Mo.

"Exactly!" Mo shouts excitedly.

"One problem," Jon starts stepping forward, "This is all just a theory! It's ridiculous!"

"Oh and like you aren't..." a machine produced metallic voice cuts in without missing a beat.

Jon turns away slowly, his face plastered with fear and finds... "You..." he murmurs.

"Yes it is I!" Kathy Lee skids forward in her all metal wheelchair. Her mouth did not move as she spoke, but a machine was attached to her throat. Her body was scarred everywhere upon her body, some even still bleeding. Carell fainted a the sight and Nancy screamed...

By Annie

Jon raised his arms. His tide of footed and winged midgets soared towards Kathie. She cackled mechanically, and deflected them with a glimmering shield of light. The midgets singed their foreheads as they slammed into the energy field. The winged midgets shrieked.

"The Skittles!" screamed Mo. "You need to feed them the dildo Skittles!" Jon grabbed a handful of the tasty enamel-melting treats and tossed them into the air. A golden sparkle of light hovered for a moment ... then shattered into a thousand new lights! The Skittles had multiplied!

Each midget opened his or her mouth and swallowed the magical candy. The midgets immediately gleamed with a brilliant light. Mini Lei rose a foot off the ground, walking on air. "Attack!" screamed the tiny Leibowitz, and the midgets charged again. They pummeled at Kathie's shield again and again and again, until it cracked and creaked and finally disappeared. Kathie shrieked and gurgled.

"NOW, CONAN!" screamed Jon. "LAUNCH THE KOOSH BALLS!"

Conan, with trembling hands, pulled forth his Koosh-launchin' Jesus, and set one of the beautiful balls of benevolence into the launcher.

The phone rang.

"What!" screamed Rock as he answered it. "This is not a good time, dammit!"

"Give me Jon," a female voice commanded. Rock tossed the phone to Jon.

"Where the hell have you been!" said the voice. "Rehearsal was three hours ago! Showtime is in fifteen minutes! If you don't get your ass back here in ten, we'll find someone who can do your job better!"

Jon stammered. "Oh, uh, Madeline, we're, uh, just, uh, killing Kathie Lee here. It will only be a minute."

"Haul ass and get here now!" screamed Madeline Smithberg, the TDS producer.

Jon whined. "But Maaaadeliiiiiine, we just have to destroy the enemy of all that is good and deeeeeecent! It'll only take a minute!"

Conan halted his Koosh loading and looked at Jon questioningly. Jon pointed at the phone and mouthed, "Madeline." The TDS comics gasped.

Madeline continued. "And what's with this helicopter fuel bill on the Comedy Central American Express Blue card?! That, sir, is an unauthorized transaction! If it weren't for the Peabody, they would fire you right now! Do you want to go back to syndication? Do you? Huh?!"

"No," said Jon, quietly.

"I can't hear you," said Madeline.

"No!" said Jon, louder. He hung up. "Look guys, my producer says I have to go. We're rolling tape in fifteen."

"Oh crap!" said Stephen. "We should really destroy minions of evil on repeat weeks."

"Awww," everyone groaned.

"Actually, we're down to thirteen minutes," said Mo.

Steve sniffled. The groups turned and walked back to the studio. The midgets scattered and Kathie descended on a hidden platform deep down into the depths of the studio. A trapdoor slammed shut on the dark shaft.

Jon and the TDS correspondents ran back to his studio and got there just in time to start the show.

Maher and the JSIA agents, watching on their monitor, sighed with disappointment. The agents sent the healing Maher back to his home with a flash of light. (He was a little too opinionated to be a welcome guest.)

Rock, swearing with frustration, glowered at his phone. "Why did I sign up for this thing!" He boarded his 'copter and took off back to Florida to play with the cracker children.

Conan, as he left the sewer, took one last regretful look into Kathie's lair. He clutched the Koosh balls in his hands, feeling their throbbing warmth.

"Until next time," he whispered quietly. "Jesus and I will be there next time. But not during sweeps, because we're really busy then. And not during the holidays because I like to spend Christmas with my gigantic family. Oh, and not right before either because it takes a good month to shop for all those nieces and nephews. Oh, and not right after --"

"Shut up," snapped Craig. He carefully took two of the Koosh balls. "We'll each keep two. If they can be destroyed, we want to have reserves."

"Sure," said Conan. "Whatever."

The two walked into the sunset, but they weren't touching each other or anything, 'cause that would just be weird.

THE END

 

Added September 2, 2002.
Complied by Kelly.


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