The Adventures of Jewey Jewman and Friends
Round One: Puppies and Kittens
Started April 2, 2002
by The JSEB Arena
It was a beautiful spring
day in New York City. The air was reasonably clear, the weeds in the sidewalks
were sprouting -- even the pigeons were minding their own business and pecking
quietly at cigarette butts on the street. In his office, Jon Stewart opened
his window and took a deeeeeep breath. Ahhhhh ....
"What a gorgeous day!" Jon
said to himself, because he talks to himself all the time. "There's nothing
I like better than a warm spring breeze ruffling the hair on my back."
All of a sudden there was
a knock at the door!
"Come in!" Jon called, turning
from the window and pulling his shirt back down.
It was Steve Carell!
"Steve!" Jon said, giving
his good buddy a hug, "How the hell are ya?"
"Not so good," Steve said,
sitting in a chair and looking sad, "Watching Ellie was canceled! Boo hoo!"
"Oh don't feel bad, Steve,"
Jon said, reaching for his waterless hand cleanser. (You can't be too careful
when you live in New York -- especially when you're germ conscious!) "Death
to Smoochy is pretty much a flop too!"
"That's too bad," Steve
said. "We're two talented guys! We deserve all the success in the world!"
"Cheer up!" Jon said, heating
up his wax so he could remove unwanted hair. "We have a ten-minute spot to fill
in tonight's show. What shall we do?"
"Hmmm," Steve said, wrinkling
his brow. "I have no clue! Let's go ask our good friend, Stephen Colbert!"
At the mention of his name
Stephen Colbert popped into the office.
"What is UP my brothers?"
Colbert said, high fiving Jon and Steve.
"We need an idea for tonight's
show!" Jon said, reaching once again for his hand cleanser. After all, you never
know what Colbert might have touched.
"Well!" Colbert said. "How
about we go outside and see what happens? Let's go spend the day out on the
town and bring along a home video camera to record our experiences!"
"YAY!" Jon said, pulling
a waxing strip from his neck.
"Kudos!" Carell said, shaking
Colbert's hand. "Let's have a guy's afternoon out! Something funny is bound
And so the three primped
in the mirror and after calling each other "Fox", "Shark", "Jew Jewbe" and other
various names, they exited The Daily Show studios and headed out into the asphalt
But what our heroes didn't
realize, as they set out for their afternoon romp, was that they were being
watched via secret hidden cameras (situated conveniently around the city of
New York) by an evil, powerful woman. Well, okay, she wasn't exactly very powerful
anymore, but she was still evil.
"Damn you, Jon Stewart!"
Kathie Lee Gifford shouted from the control room, shaking her fists at the screen
where Jon, Steve, and Stephen were skipping gleefully down the street. "I blame
you for the demise of my career! Ever since the world found out that I ate puppies,
I was hated and scorned by millions." She reached her arm into a basket sitting
beside her, and pulled out a squirming little puppy. Dangling the poor creature
over her face, she dropped it into her pink-lipsticked mouth and swallowed it
"Something must be done,"
she hissed. On the screen, Jon was sliding his hands into rubber gloves so as
not to catch anything from the dead pigeon he and Steve had found in the grass.
Colbert, who had not yet figured out how to remove the lens cap from his camera,
was attempting to film it all.
"Craiggers!" Kathie Lee
screeched, her voice echoing off the walls of the abandoned subway tunnel where
she now resided. "Come here this instant!" A tall figure appeared at the opening
of the tunnel, and out of the shadows stepped none other than Craig Kilborn.
"Yes, your highness? You
Kathie Lee pointed a perfectly
manicured nail at the screen.
"As Vice President of the
Jon Stewart Is the Cause Of My Pain Brigade, I demand that you ruin any attempt
that Jon and his colleagues may make to film anything resembling hilarity for
the Daily Show tonight!"
"With pleasure, your highness,"
Craig said, bowing slightly. He didn't exactly like Kathie Lee, nor did he exactly
think it was fair that she got to be President, but he delighted in making life
hard for Stewart. You see, once that meddling Jew had taken over his position
as host, everyone seemed to forget that it was he, Craig Kilborn, who had taken
the Daily Show from obscurity and made it a household name. He had joined the
JSITCOMPB in hopes that one day he would regain the respect and love of Daily
Show fans everywhere. Plus, he wanted his old job back. The ratings on his late
night show were horrible!
"Well, what are you waiting
for?" Kathie Lee asked impatiently, folding her arms across her chest and tapping
her high-heeled foot against the ground. "Get your ass in gear!"
"Yes, your highness. I'm
off." And with that, Craig Kilborn ran out of the abandoned subway tunnel and
up into the bright sunshine of the early afternoon.
But what Kathie and Craigers
didn't know was that Jon and Friends were headed toward the vicinity of Jon's
apartment. Jon had forgotten his Dial Antibacterial Soap Now with Extra Antibacterial
Power! at home, and he knew that Carell's stupid baby was probably passing every
little baby disease right on to Carell and then on to all his friends and co-workers
because Carell didn't even have the sense to wear a high-filtration HEPA mask
while snuggling with his first-born, although he did wear it while having sex
Linking arms, the three
men skipped down the street giggling in a fashion reminiscent of Laverne and
Shirley. When the trio reached Jon's building, they were puzzled to find a large
group of tomcats gathered just outside the complex. Carell whimpered and clutched
at Colbert, who held him close.
"What the ...." said Jon.
At that moment, a shrill yowl emanated from the upper stories. The men looked
up in horror and saw Jon's cat at the open window, her ass pressed firmly against
the screen, screaming, "AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" The tomcats ran
in random directions, frantically trying to find a way up into the building.
They clawed at the building and swatted at each other in an effort to be nearest
the cat ass that drew them like moths to a flame, or in this case, tomcats to
hot female cat ass.
Jon cried, "Oh NO! Not AGAIN!"
At that very moment, Craig Kilborn leaped out from behind a blue post office
box and ran towards Jon. The saliva dripped from Craig's jowls as his lanky
legs quickly closed the distance between himself and our hero. Jon, Steve, and
Stephen, horrified and huddled in terror, didn't even notice the terrifying
advance of the JSITCOMPB henchman.
However, the tomcats noticed
Craig straight away, mistaking him for another hot female cat ass. (Who could
blame them?) They advanced slowly on him, purring before jumping on top of him
and making sweet cat love to him.
Jon, Steve, and Stephen
only had enough time to turn around and see a man covered in cats running away
from them. They thought nothing of it, and continued on their way.
Watching from the control
room, Kathie Lee choked on a puppy. Sure, watching Craig get humped by horny
tomcats kind of turned her on, but how could he let Stewart get away!?
"Curses!" she hissed, spitting
half-digested puppy out of her mouth and into the garbage can. "It's time I
unleashed Plan B!" She smiled an evil smile and let out a sinister "Muahahahahaha"
before continuing her feasting of puppy testicles.
Jon, Steve, and Stephen
continued skipping down the street. Their thoughts were once again turned to
finding something hilarious to put on that night's show. The sun was shining,
and there wasn't a cloud in the sky!
Then a large shadow loomed
over them, and things turned dark. They looked up to the sky, and saw flying
at them something they could not believe. Hundreds of flying Regis Philbins
were headed straight towards them, each of them was carrying a pair of Kathie
Lee's panties to give to Jon, Steve, and Stephen.
The three men stood there
frozen in fear, absolutely horrified of the sight before them, when they heard
Kathie Lee's voice booming over speakers that had been placed all over the city.
"I'll get you, you short hairy man, and your little friends too!" Kathie Lee's
adrenaline was high, so she added "And then I'll take all your blue peeps, eat
them, and act even more perky than humanly possible! It will take days for me
to unscrew my smile! And then, Mr. Stewart, I will finally have my revenge!"
"AHHHHHH!" our three heroes
screamed in unison as the winged Regises descended upon them. Jon immediately
reached for his hand cleanser. Carrel grabbed at Colbert and the two men held
each other close. Carrel sucked his thumb.
"Is that your final answer?"
the evil mini Regises asked before gathering the three comedians up and carrying
them off to Kathie Lee's lair.
The three were such pussies
-- I mean, they were so frightened that they passed out, although Jon did manage
to don his protective germ mask before dramatically fainting in the arms of
an evil Regis.
[Later that day -- Kathie
"Wakey, wakey my fine newsmen!"
a voice purred out of the darkness.
Jon slowly opened his eyes.
But he saw only blackness. Frantically thrashing his head about, he screamed
"HELP ME, I'VE GONE BLIND! OH GOD, MOM WAS RIGHT!"
"Jon, you jackass!" Carrel
laughed. "That stupid mask is over your eyes."
"Oh," Jon said, removing
his special air born germ mask that had slipped over his eyes during the flight
"We've got bigger problems,
my friends!" came Colbert's voice. "We seem to be trapped!"
The three looked down only
to see that their hands and feet were tied with what looked like reasonably
priced women's clothing.
"Where ARE we?" Jon said,
struggling with the A-line skirt that secured his hands behind his back.
"I thought you'd never ask!"
the voice said again. Suddenly the lights came on and the three were horrified
by the monstrosity before them.
"KATHIE LEE!" they all screamed
"That's right!" Kathie Lee
smirked, closing her compact and turning to face them. "It is I! Welcome to
As their eyes adjusted to
the brightness, Jon, Steve and Stephen looked around them in horror. All around
them lay the bones of puppies long ago eaten. Here and there some fur was strewn
about. A half chewed bone lay long forgotten in the corner, a leash laying next
to it that read "Waggles."
"YOU ... BAD, BAD WOMAN!"
Colbert spat. Jon started crying because he loved animals so much, especially
puppies, and because he wasn't afraid to show his emotions in public, even though
Bill Maher called him a woman for it. Carell comforted Jon, but because his
hands were tied with the classic little black dress, all he could do was nuzzle
him with his head.
Kathie Lee smiled evilly
at Jon's tears. "Yes ... yes! Oh, I am enjoying this." Turning to a small Hispanic
child from one of her sweat shops, she whispered something in his ear, and nodding
he ran off.
"I could have been a legend.
I could have been the WHITE Oprah!" Kathie Lee said, circling the three men,
her high heeled shoes clicking on the hard floor. "But NOOOO, you had to go
and expose my insatiable appetite for cute, playful little puppies."
"You'll never get away with
this, Gifford!" Colbert shouted, furiously trying to free himself from the imitation
snake skin belt that bound him.
"SILENCE!" she shouted back
at him. "If you're lucky, I might let YOU go, Colbert. It's Stewart I'm after."
"Oh, okay," Colbert said,
"Please don't do this, Kathie,"
Jon pleaded, tears traveling from his gorgeous blue/green eyes and down his
cheeks. "I have a wife. And Ching Ching!"
"Quiet, you hairy little
man!" Kathie Lee shouted. "I think you'll give me what I want after you see
At her signal, the poor
sweat shop child wheeled out a blanket-covered object. He pulled the red velvet
cloth off to reveal a small cage with a frightened dog trembling inside.
"SHAMSKY!!!!" Jon shouted,
Kathie unhinged her jaw,
making her yapper bigger than the likes of even Mick Jagger and rose Shamsky
above her head. A maniacal laugh rose from within her bowels as she started
to lower Shamsky to her mouth.
all three ladies, er, men.
"Oh, you poor, poor bastard
...." Colbert said, blinking back tears for Shamsky.
Jon struggled with the skirt
Kathie had tied around his hands only to realize that they really WERE well
made ... oh, what wondrous workers sweatshop kids were!
And just as Kathie was about
to eat Shamsky the little pooch let out an animalistic growl, which was to be
expected since he is an animal, and peed all over her makeup-caked face.
"I'm melting!" Kathie gasped,
dropping the pit bull on the floor with a yelp.
Just then Craig stepped
in, his blond-viking Aryan charm and looks illuminated by the florescent bulb
over his too big head. "No, you imbecile, water melts you, not piss."
"Oh, thank GOD!" Kathie
said, ripping a shirt from the floor and wiping her face.
Shamsky, in the meantime,
ran over to Jon and sat in his lap ... for the first time Jon wished that Shamsky
wasn't the sweet little girl she was and would just be a pitt bull for once!
JUST ONE TIME!
Craig walked over to Jon
and yanked him up from the floor. "You bastard!"
"Craig, what the fu ..."
"Hey! Not around my virgin
ears!" Colbert shouted ... slowly he smiled. "Okay, I'm kidding, carry on."
"Craig, why ..." Jon started
"DAMN THESE THONGS!" Carell
shouted, trying to untie himself.
"Will you stop interrupting,
I'm trying to find out what the ..." Jon started for the third time.
"Because you stole my show!
You stole my show and you got ALL THE GLORY!!!" Craig shouted. He started to
slap Jon but one of his hairs fell out of place and he dropped Jon so he could
run to the full length mirror to fix the askew hair.
"Craig, you LEFT! You left
of your own accord!" Jon shouted.
"Oh, you'll get your comeuppance,
Mr. Stewart!" Craig shouted, having fixed the wayward hair. "Boys!!!"
With the call, three Mounties
came in the room, adorned in their matching red and black costumes, perched
atop their horses... "Blandthrax, eh?!!"
Jon shuddered, hanging his
head ... "Canadians ... DAMNIT! They look JUST LIKE US!!!"
"Which one did you want
us to grab, eh?" The leader of the Canadian mounties asked.
"Eh? I need you to perform
a professional assassination and all you can say is 'eh?'. What the hell kind
of talk is that?" Kathie squawked. "You damn Canadians are lucky that I don't
have you kids making my fabulous clothing line!"
Craig rolled his eyes at
Kathie Lee's obsessive-compulsive perfectionist disorder and stomped out.
As Kathie tortured the mounties
with her perfectionist viewpoints, Jon, Steve, and Stephen tried to figure a
"Alright, men, we must stop
being pansies" Jon started. "We must stand up and take charge!"
"YEAH!" Colbert shouted.
"And how are we going to do that, Jon?" He asked quietly.
"Why are you asking Jon?"
Carell asked defensively. "Just because he is the lousy host doesn't mean that
he is our leader outside of the show. I am TIRED of being just a correspondent.
Jon, you egg me on by letting me host the show while you are off MAKING MOVIES."
"YEAH!" Colbert shouted.
"What are you two talking about??"
"I am saying that the Daily
Show correspondents are being USED!. And the person getting all the credit is
the 'FAMOUS JON STEWART.' I am SICK of it!!!"
Suddenly a giggle interrupted.
Kathie stood above them, laughing "Well, I don't need the mounties anymore.
Boys go back up to Canada, I think that Steve and Stephen are going to kill
Jon for me!" From somewhere out of the darkness, the theme of the witch from
the Wizard of Oz began as Kathie ran out of the dungeon and slammed the door
"Good job guys, that was
great acting," an exasperated Jon broke the silence. "You really saved my ass
"I wasn't kidding, Jon,"
Carell stated bluntly.
"Steve, I ... I can't believe
it, I thought you were happy." Jon sincerely stated. "I wish you would have
told m ...."
"Man, you should have seen
the look on your face!" Steve loudly interrupted.
"That was a good one, I
have to admit it," Colbert added.
"Funny, guys, really funny."
Jon looked around, and then down at his sissy pitbull. "Shamsky. I need you
to run and get help! And stay away from Kathie Lee's big trap!"
With that, Shamsky ran out
between the bars of the dungeon door, and out for help.
Steve looked and saw in
Jon's coat pocket his Dial Antibacterial Soap Now with Extra Antibacterial Power!
and an idea popped into his head.
"Jon, " Steve looked over
at his friend, "children who work in sweatshops are dirty, right?"
"Yeah," Jon replied, "and
"Well, we are tied up with
these clothes, made by the dirty children, and the clothes are made of, basically,
bacteria. AND, you have your Dial in your pocket. If we pour the Dial on the
clothes, maybe it will help to us to burn the clothes off, and set us free!"
Steve said proudly.
"Well," Jon said hesitantly,
"it is worth a try, I guess." He leaned over and let Steve grab the dial out
of his pocket. Steve had a difficult time due to the fact that not only was
he uncoordinated, but it didn't help that his hands were tied behind his back.
Once the dial was in Steve's
hands, he twisted of the cap, and poured it on the clothes that bound Jon's
hands. They then all waited in anticipation to see if it would work.
Meanwhile, Shamsky ran as
fast as she could back to the TDS studios, stopping only once to sniff an attractive
poodle's butt. She ran in the front doors of TDS, past the receptionist and
up the stairs.
The first person Shamsky
came to was Mo Rocca.
"Ruff! Woof! WOOOOFFF!"
"Go away little dog," Mo
said, adjusting his classes. "I am too busy working on a new Dollars and Cents
for tonight. If only I could find Colbert to help me!"
Annoyed, Shamksy ran up
to Madeline Smithberg.
"WOOOFF!!" she said. "RUUUFFF!!!"
"Not now, Shamsky," Madeline
said, making small corrections to a script laying on her desk. "It's almost
time for rehearsal and I can't find Jon anywhere!"
Pissed, Shamsky was just
about to give up when she saw Lewis Black practicing his weekly rant in the
barked with all her might.
"What?" Lewis said, turning
around. "Kathie Lee?"
Shamsky nodded. "Ruff! Ruff!
Yap!" she barked.
"OMG!" Lewis said. "We have
to help them! Lead the way, Shamsky!"
And with that Lewis and
the diminutive pit bull ran off into the beautiful spring day.
[Meanwhile, back at the
"Um ..." Jon said, struggling
to look behind his back, "Is it working?"
"I don't think so ..." Carell
said, trying once again to free himself of the pink thongs that bound him. "But
hey look at it this way, your hands are clean now!"
That DID make Jon happy,
but there was still the problem of Kathie Lee wanting to kill them.
"We are SO screwed!" Colbert
said, near tears. "I will never be on Strangers with Candy again!"
"And I will never get the
chance to be in another cancelled TV show!" moaned Carell.
"I will never host the Grammy's
again!" wailed Jon. "Oh Bono, how short our time together was!"
The three were sniffling
all over the place when the door opened again. Kathie Lee entered in a long
"Oh, still alive I see!"
she said, turning her non-shiny nose up at them. "Well good, because maybe now
you'll give me what I want!"
"Anything! Just let us go!"
"Craiggers!" Kathie Lee
Rolling her eyes, Kathie
yelled louder, "KILBORN! GETYOUR ASS IN HERE!"
"I'm here, I'm here, my
lady!" Kilby said, scurrying into the room. "Sorry, one of your sweat shops
brats told me I was thinning in the back and nearly gave me a heart attack."
Sighing and extending one
manicured hand, Kathie Lee pulled a pen from in between her cleavage. "Give
me the papers!" she ordered.
Smirking, Kilby handed Kathie
Lee a big stack of legal documents.
"Now ..." Kathie Lee said,
adjusting her diamond necklace. "All you have to do is sign these papers and
we'll let you pathetic excuses for entertainers go!"
"Not with THAT pen, lady!"
Carell said, looking at the pen with disgust.
"SILENCE!" Kathie Lee yelled.
"You WILL give me what I want. The Daily Show is going to become ... oh, tell
them Craiggey, I am so overcome with excitement!"
"The Kilby and Kathie Variety
Hour!" Kilby said, spraying his hair with hair spray.
"NEVER!" the three yelled
"Fine then!" Kathie Lee
said, taking something out of her designer purse. "Maybe this will change your
The three shuddered in fear
as Kathie Lee pulled out a microphone and began to sing a medley of show tunes.
"Mommy!" Colbert squeaked.
Suddenly Jon had an idea.
Obviously Craig was angry with Jon for taking over his spot and surpassing him
... so who's to say that he was all that happy about Kathie Lee being his boss?
Kathie Lee was a two-bit hag that had nothing going for her ... at least Kilborn
had a show that was actually pretty popular with the college kids who knew it
was on and remembered to watch.
"So, how does it feel to
be Gifford's underling?" Jon asked, scooting back and resting his back on the
wall, hoping his acting skills had improved enough to pull of a mixture of nonchalance
"Jon, what the hell are
you doing?!" Carell hissed at him.
"Shh!" Jon hissed back.
Craig tossed his hair in
typical surferboy fashion and ruffled at the question. "I am no one's UNDERLING."
He said, trying to laugh it off.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I meant
boy-toy." Jon said, laughing.
Steve hung his head, silently
saying his prayers. Colbert however caught on quite quickly. "So, are you going
on a Carribean Cruise soon, Craiggers? Gonna see if they'll play Yambo instead
Kilborn strode over to the
two of them with an angry flash in his eyes. "Shut up! Just shut up, the both
"Craiggers ..." Kathie Lee
said, bored. "Could you get my nail file, I've got a bitch of a hang nail."
"I am NOT YOUR BOY TOY!"
Craig yelled, spinning to face her angrily.
Kathie Lee laughed, reaching
out and cupping his chin. "Course you're not! Now be a doll and get my file?"
Craig hung his head and
started out the door.
"Hey Jon, can you say pussy
whipped?" Colbert said just loud enough for Craig to hear.
Jon giggled at that. "I
think I can, but why not just say Kilborn, they're one in the same."
Craig turned around and
the boys stiffened up thinking that he might come lash out at them. "Why ARE
you in charge Kathie?" He asked, putting his hands on his hips.
Kathie rolled he eyes. "Cause,
"No, you know what? I don't
wanna hear it!" He shouted, shoving her away as she tried to come near him.
"I have a successful late night show ..."
Kathie snorted. "That comes
on after ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT at 1:00 in the morning!!! You don't even rate
as second best to Letterman, you rate as third!"
Kilborn took a deep breath.
"Well, at least I'm ON TV!"
"I'm on TV ..."
Kilborn snorted. "YEAH!
When Leno feels sorry for you he lets you come on his show and spread your venom
for a few minutes to make up for the way he and EVERYONE ELSE MADE YOU INTO
A LAUGHING STOCK!"
Jon looked at Colbert. "This
is working out almost too well ... I'm beginning to think it's too good to be
true." Colbert nodded.
"No! NO! Jon made me into
a laughing stock!!! It was HIS FAULT!" Kathie said, turning her evil green eyes
to face Jon. "All cause I made a slightly condescending ..."
Kilborn snorted again. "Oh
please, don't delude yourself, lady! Jon might have been making fun of you as
part of his act ..." Kilborn looked at Jon for a second, "which was funny by
Jon looked at him confused.
"Uh ... thanks?"
Craig nodded. "Yes, even
I can admit you're funny." He turned his attention back to Kathie Lee. "But
he was in NO WAY the only one making fun of you! I made fun of you, Leno, Letterman,
ANY COMIC I saw, you're a comedy go-to name, Cruella, deal with it."
Kathie Lee reached up and
slapped Craig across the face. "Cruella! How DARE you compare me to a peasant
girl who mopped the floor!"
Carell snorted that time.
"That was Cinderella, you poor unfortunate vindictive exasperating imbecile."
Jon looked at him. "Nice
usage of adjectives."
Carell nodded. "Thank you."
Craig nodded. "You're no
longer the boss, Gifford."
Jon, Steve, and Stephen
huddled on the floor, watching the power struggle between Kathie and Craiggers.
The two figures glowered at each other, refusing to break eye-contact. The tension
was palpable. They could almost see sparks exchanged through the hard gazes.
No moment in history had ever matched the explosive rage simmering just under
the skins of both celebrities. The three helpless men knew that they stood (er,
lay) on the precipice of a monumental battle.
"I have to pee," whimpered
"Shut UP," hissed Jon.
Then they heard it. A wailing
sound, vaguely human, far in the distance. Craig and Kathie looked up, startled.
The sound grew louder, and louder, and louder still.
The giant brass door shook.
Craig and Kathie backed away. The three wussies on the floor started wriggling
towards the far wall. The door shook again.
"This isn't HELPING!" cried
Steve, one leg wrapped around the other.
The door shook one final
time and exploded off the hinges, crashing into the far wall just above Kathie's
frizzy red head. The five clueless people cowered in terror as a figure emerged
from the dust.
"LEWIS BLACK!" screamed
Jon, Steve, and Stephen.
Lewis Black was a creature
of fire. He rarely emerged in full form, but he had shed his human skin to appear
in his True Form. He stood before them, ablaze with his angry glory, and pointed
his fiery finger at Kathie Lee and said ...
"I can't believe Kathie
Lee is actually standing in front of me!" Super! Fiery! Lewis Black snarled
in a sarcastic tone amplified into a thunderous sneer. "I thought you were a
tale invented to frighten small Guatemalan children into doing their homework!"
"You were wrong Lewis,"
Kathie Lee shot back. "I am real ... and I'm spectacular!"
"I wouldn't be too sure
about that, Kathie," Craiggers retorted.
From his cowering place,
Steve stifled a giggle and crossed his legs a little harder.
"Spectacular, Kathie?" Super!
Fiery! Lewis shot back. "Your eyelids are stretched tighter than a miniskirt
across J-Lo's ass. You're more frightening to the American public than the trailer
for the next Mariah Carey movie!"
"But I love trailers!" Stephen
"Shhhh," Jon whispered.
"I don't think Kathie Lee can last much longer. A Lewis Black insult is painful
enough when he's in human form, but it's downright deadly coming from Super!
Fiery! Lewis Black. Look at Craig -- he's not even in the direct line of fire
and he's suffering."
Stephen turned to see Craiggers
sweating and wilting towards the floor.
"You're right," he said.
"We're almost free!"
Stephen and Jon smiled with
glee, but Jon noticed that Kathie Lee was also smiling, an evil smirk across
"Your insults can't hurt
me, Lewis," she said smugly.
"And why is that?"
"Do you think I spent all
those years sitting beside Regis and getting ripped on Howard Stern without
developing some protection?"
And with that, a hard metallic
shell began to creep up Kathie Lee's skin, surrounding her.
"You can't penetrate my
defenses now!" she exclaimed in triumph.
"That's what Frank said,"
Steve quipped, grimacing. He tried to grip his legs together tighter, but found
he had lost all feeling in his lower limbs due to constricted blood flow.
"My God, Jon," Stephen gasped.
"What are we going to do?"
"I think I may have a plan,
my friend," Jon answered, "I think I may have a plan ...."
Carell looked at him expectantly.
"What's your plan Jon?"
Jon rolled his eyes in the back of his head. "My plan is ...." He banged his
head on the wall behind him. "Damnit! I got nothing!"
Colbert watched Kathie Lee in horror. "My God, she's terminator two! Next thing
we know we'll be hearing the pre-adolescent squawking of Edward Furlong!"
"NO! Don't say that! Then it'll come true!!!" Carell screamed at him. "MAN,
do I have to pee!"
And then came the squawkings ... only they weren't human.
Suddenly the tiny blackened window above Jon's head broke and an object flew
in, followed quickly by nine others. There was a white pitbull, a tan pitbull,
a dog with no anus, a dog with two testicles, a dog with no testicles, a blind
dog, a deaf dog, a mute dog, a cat with a bad knee, and a ferret. They were
all yip yapping away, except for the cat and ferret who were meowing and chirping
"Shamsky!" Jon called to the tan pitbull, "You brought backup!!! Way to go girl!!!"
All except for Shamsky surrounded Kathie Lee, pawing at her, yapping at her,
growling at her. The blind one, bless her heart, was actually pawing and growling
at the wall, but that's okay because her heart was in it.
"Jesus Jon, who are all those animals?!" Colbert hissed at him.
Jon smiled, tears in his eyes, proud of his pets. "I told you, Tracey works
at a vet's office, she brings home all the broken ones."
Carell nodded. "Awww, look at that, the blind one just bit the cord off the
wall ... I bet she was going for Kathie's leg ... good girl! A little to the
Alas, with the protective metal garb on, the dogs were unable to harm Kathie,
but she began to tremble nonetheless. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head.
"Puppies ... puppies, oh sweet delicious puppies ...."
Lewis had backed up slightly when the dogs showed up and Shamsky was standing
by him, his hand idly resting on her head, scratching. "Good girl Shamsky, you're
a sweetie, but you can certainly pull the troops together."
"Puppy ... mmmmmm ... puppy ...." Kathie mumbled. As she mumbled her metal armor
began to dissolve and the ferret seized the opportunity to crawl up her back
and was latched on to her hair. "Puppies, delicious puppies ..." Kathie mumbled,
oblivious to the ferret clawing at her hair. Finally situated the ferret took
a huge bite out of Kathie's ear. "AWUUUU WHAT?!!!!!!!"
"YEAH!" Jon, Carell, and Colbert screamed.
"I knew I named him Tyson for some reason." Jon said, laughing.
Unfortunately, due to the thrashing of Kathie Lee, Tyson the Ferret came flying
off her head and landed with a thud in Jon's lap. "Awwww, poor Tyson ... you
okay?" The ferret shook his head and noticed he was in Jon's lap. Happy and
content he settled himself in Jon's hands and went to sleep.
Colbert smiled. "Poor lad's tuckered out."
Just then, Monkey, the poop-scooping dog, lunged for Kathie's throat, who was
still shaking her head screaming, "My ear, my ear!!!"
Suddenly there was a high, barely audible pitched whistle. All dogs began to
howl and cower. Turning they fled from Kathie and ran over to Jon, burying their
heads behind his back. Jon looked around and sure enough Craig had a dog whistle
in his hand and he was blowing it. Taking a breath he smirked at Jon, standing.
"You didn't think I'd blow it on account of your mod squad puppy brigade did
you?!" Craig said, resuming his blowing.
But the cat was undeterred. She simply purred once at Kathie and then hunkered
down, sticking her butt up in the air. "AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA"
"Oh, no ...." Jon said, hanging his head. "She picks NOW to be horny!!!"
But soon they saw why maybe it wasn't hormones driving her to emit the "In Heat"
call as thousands of cats poured through the window in mere seconds ....
"NO! NOT THE CATS AGAIN!"
The cats, in their mad struggle
to mate with Jon's cat, swarmed over Kathie Lee, slowly trampling the old whore
to death under hundreds of tiny cat feet.
"Nooooo!!!" screamed Kathie
Lee. "I'm allergic to cats! Oh how it hurts, how it hurts!"
Meanwhile, Lewis made his
way through the hundreds of furry, sex-crazed felines, over to Jon, Steve, and
"You guys are SUCH pussies!"
he said, shaking his famous fiery finger at them. "Three full grown men can't
overpower one emotionally unstable former talk show host!"
"Remember Lewis, Geraldo
falls into that category," Jon said as Lewis untied him. "And he's got a gun!!"
"Oh mama, Stevey gotta go!"
Steve moaned as he attempted to stand up. Frantically looking around Kathie
Lee's Dungeon of Doom, he scurried over to a corner and relieved himself.
"Alright Kathie Lee!" Colbert
said. "I think you've learned your lesson. Come near us again and Jon can't
promise how horny his cat will get!"
"Yeah!" Jon said smugly,
picking up his still screaming and ass-waving kitty. "I have a horny cat and
damnit, I'm not afraid to use it!"
As the TDS heroes left the
dungeon -- Jon proudly petting his panting cat, Steve zipping up his fly and
breathing a sigh of relief, Stephen giving the mounties a couple bucks and telling
them to go get themselves dinner, and Lewis giving Kathie Lee a final fiery
and furious kick -- Kilby rose to half-heartedly stop their exit, only to catch
a glimpse of himself in the mirror
and of what the frantic tomcats and their claws had done to his hair.
Kilby screamed. "NOOOO!!! NOOOOO!! NOTA ..... OH GOD .... A MULLET!!!!!!!!"
Our three heroes (and Lewis
who is a hero too, but I didn't want to confuse anyone) watched as Kilby fell
slowly to his knees, a far away look in his face. As he curled up into a fetal
position and began to suck his thumb, the four knew he would never bother them
"Mommy..." Kilby said. "Why
do the kids laugh at me? They make me go poopy in my pants."
Relieved that they had escaped
the dungeon of doom, the four comedians headed back to TDS studios.
"Um ... Jon," Steve said,
as the four stepped back into the sunlight. "Nothing funny happened to us ...."
But even as our four heroes
once again happily skipped through Manhattan on the bright, beautiful spring
day, back deep down in the dark, dark, dungeon, decorated in a monochromatic
pink theme, covered in puppy bones and cat hair ... one manicured hand rose
up from the pile of happily sleeping tomcats...and began to move ....
Music playing, Deep Announcers Voice rises]
And thus concludes Chapter
1 of Jewey Jewman and Friends ....
But is it over?
Will they ever have their
fun day in the sun and capture it on video?
Will Steve have to pee again?
Will Colbert ever figure
out how to operate the camera?
What time is it now that
they're free and will they be able to make the night's show in time?
If not, will they have to
worry about crazed fans needing their daily fix of The Daily Show?
Will Kathie arise from the
puppy bones and strewn cat hair and begin plotting her next plan, or will she
Will Kilborn ever stop sucking
on his thumb and tell Kathie off? Or will he just remain her underling?
Will Kathie get rid of that
ugly rash that comes from being allergic to the thing that just mauled you?
Will Jon ever be on Conan?
(Okay, that was just me wondering!)
Will something else sinister
Added May 1, 2002.
Compiled by Kelly.