Jon Stewart blue pic
 

 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB

 


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The Fan Files
 Fun Fiction

 

The Adventures of Jewey Jewman and Friends
   Round One: Puppies and Kittens

Started April 2, 2002
by The JSEB Arena

Melly

It was a beautiful spring day in New York City. The air was reasonably clear, the weeds in the sidewalks were sprouting -- even the pigeons were minding their own business and pecking quietly at cigarette butts on the street. In his office, Jon Stewart opened his window and took a deeeeeep breath. Ahhhhh ....

"What a gorgeous day!" Jon said to himself, because he talks to himself all the time. "There's nothing I like better than a warm spring breeze ruffling the hair on my back."

All of a sudden there was a knock at the door!

"Come in!" Jon called, turning from the window and pulling his shirt back down.

It was Steve Carell!

"Steve!" Jon said, giving his good buddy a hug, "How the hell are ya?"

"Not so good," Steve said, sitting in a chair and looking sad, "Watching Ellie was canceled! Boo hoo!"

"Oh don't feel bad, Steve," Jon said, reaching for his waterless hand cleanser. (You can't be too careful when you live in New York -- especially when you're germ conscious!) "Death to Smoochy is pretty much a flop too!"

"That's too bad," Steve said. "We're two talented guys! We deserve all the success in the world!"

"Cheer up!" Jon said, heating up his wax so he could remove unwanted hair. "We have a ten-minute spot to fill in tonight's show. What shall we do?"

"Hmmm," Steve said, wrinkling his brow. "I have no clue! Let's go ask our good friend, Stephen Colbert!"

At the mention of his name Stephen Colbert popped into the office.

"What is UP my brothers?" Colbert said, high fiving Jon and Steve.

"We need an idea for tonight's show!" Jon said, reaching once again for his hand cleanser. After all, you never know what Colbert might have touched.

"Well!" Colbert said. "How about we go outside and see what happens? Let's go spend the day out on the town and bring along a home video camera to record our experiences!"

"YAY!" Jon said, pulling a waxing strip from his neck.

"Kudos!" Carell said, shaking Colbert's hand. "Let's have a guy's afternoon out! Something funny is bound to happen!"

And so the three primped in the mirror and after calling each other "Fox", "Shark", "Jew Jewbe" and other various names, they exited The Daily Show studios and headed out into the asphalt jungle ....

Cristina

But what our heroes didn't realize, as they set out for their afternoon romp, was that they were being watched via secret hidden cameras (situated conveniently around the city of New York) by an evil, powerful woman. Well, okay, she wasn't exactly very powerful anymore, but she was still evil.

"Damn you, Jon Stewart!" Kathie Lee Gifford shouted from the control room, shaking her fists at the screen where Jon, Steve, and Stephen were skipping gleefully down the street. "I blame you for the demise of my career! Ever since the world found out that I ate puppies, I was hated and scorned by millions." She reached her arm into a basket sitting beside her, and pulled out a squirming little puppy. Dangling the poor creature over her face, she dropped it into her pink-lipsticked mouth and swallowed it whole.

"Something must be done," she hissed. On the screen, Jon was sliding his hands into rubber gloves so as not to catch anything from the dead pigeon he and Steve had found in the grass. Colbert, who had not yet figured out how to remove the lens cap from his camera, was attempting to film it all.

"Craiggers!" Kathie Lee screeched, her voice echoing off the walls of the abandoned subway tunnel where she now resided. "Come here this instant!" A tall figure appeared at the opening of the tunnel, and out of the shadows stepped none other than Craig Kilborn.

"Yes, your highness? You called?"

Kathie Lee pointed a perfectly manicured nail at the screen.

"As Vice President of the Jon Stewart Is the Cause Of My Pain Brigade, I demand that you ruin any attempt that Jon and his colleagues may make to film anything resembling hilarity for the Daily Show tonight!"

"With pleasure, your highness," Craig said, bowing slightly. He didn't exactly like Kathie Lee, nor did he exactly think it was fair that she got to be President, but he delighted in making life hard for Stewart. You see, once that meddling Jew had taken over his position as host, everyone seemed to forget that it was he, Craig Kilborn, who had taken the Daily Show from obscurity and made it a household name. He had joined the JSITCOMPB in hopes that one day he would regain the respect and love of Daily Show fans everywhere. Plus, he wanted his old job back. The ratings on his late night show were horrible!

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Kathie Lee asked impatiently, folding her arms across her chest and tapping her high-heeled foot against the ground. "Get your ass in gear!"

"Yes, your highness. I'm off." And with that, Craig Kilborn ran out of the abandoned subway tunnel and up into the bright sunshine of the early afternoon.

Annie

But what Kathie and Craigers didn't know was that Jon and Friends were headed toward the vicinity of Jon's apartment. Jon had forgotten his Dial Antibacterial Soap Now with Extra Antibacterial Power! at home, and he knew that Carell's stupid baby was probably passing every little baby disease right on to Carell and then on to all his friends and co-workers because Carell didn't even have the sense to wear a high-filtration HEPA mask while snuggling with his first-born, although he did wear it while having sex with Nancy.

Linking arms, the three men skipped down the street giggling in a fashion reminiscent of Laverne and Shirley. When the trio reached Jon's building, they were puzzled to find a large group of tomcats gathered just outside the complex. Carell whimpered and clutched at Colbert, who held him close.

"What the ...." said Jon. At that moment, a shrill yowl emanated from the upper stories. The men looked up in horror and saw Jon's cat at the open window, her ass pressed firmly against the screen, screaming, "AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" The tomcats ran in random directions, frantically trying to find a way up into the building. They clawed at the building and swatted at each other in an effort to be nearest the cat ass that drew them like moths to a flame, or in this case, tomcats to hot female cat ass.

Jon cried, "Oh NO! Not AGAIN!" At that very moment, Craig Kilborn leaped out from behind a blue post office box and ran towards Jon. The saliva dripped from Craig's jowls as his lanky legs quickly closed the distance between himself and our hero. Jon, Steve, and Stephen, horrified and huddled in terror, didn't even notice the terrifying advance of the JSITCOMPB henchman.

Angela

However, the tomcats noticed Craig straight away, mistaking him for another hot female cat ass. (Who could blame them?) They advanced slowly on him, purring before jumping on top of him and making sweet cat love to him.

Jon, Steve, and Stephen only had enough time to turn around and see a man covered in cats running away from them. They thought nothing of it, and continued on their way.

~*~

Watching from the control room, Kathie Lee choked on a puppy. Sure, watching Craig get humped by horny tomcats kind of turned her on, but how could he let Stewart get away!?

"Curses!" she hissed, spitting half-digested puppy out of her mouth and into the garbage can. "It's time I unleashed Plan B!" She smiled an evil smile and let out a sinister "Muahahahahaha" before continuing her feasting of puppy testicles.

~*~

Jon, Steve, and Stephen continued skipping down the street. Their thoughts were once again turned to finding something hilarious to put on that night's show. The sun was shining, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky!

Then a large shadow loomed over them, and things turned dark. They looked up to the sky, and saw flying at them something they could not believe. Hundreds of flying Regis Philbins were headed straight towards them, each of them was carrying a pair of Kathie Lee's panties to give to Jon, Steve, and Stephen.

The three men stood there frozen in fear, absolutely horrified of the sight before them, when they heard Kathie Lee's voice booming over speakers that had been placed all over the city. "I'll get you, you short hairy man, and your little friends too!" Kathie Lee's adrenaline was high, so she added "And then I'll take all your blue peeps, eat them, and act even more perky than humanly possible! It will take days for me to unscrew my smile! And then, Mr. Stewart, I will finally have my revenge!"

Melly

"AHHHHHH!" our three heroes screamed in unison as the winged Regises descended upon them. Jon immediately reached for his hand cleanser. Carrel grabbed at Colbert and the two men held each other close. Carrel sucked his thumb.

"Is that your final answer?" the evil mini Regises asked before gathering the three comedians up and carrying them off to Kathie Lee's lair.

The three were such pussies -- I mean, they were so frightened that they passed out, although Jon did manage to don his protective germ mask before dramatically fainting in the arms of an evil Regis.

[Later that day -- Kathie Lee's Lair]

"Wakey, wakey my fine newsmen!" a voice purred out of the darkness.

Jon slowly opened his eyes. But he saw only blackness. Frantically thrashing his head about, he screamed "HELP ME, I'VE GONE BLIND! OH GOD, MOM WAS RIGHT!"

"Jon, you jackass!" Carrel laughed. "That stupid mask is over your eyes."

"Oh," Jon said, removing his special air born germ mask that had slipped over his eyes during the flight with Regis.

"We've got bigger problems, my friends!" came Colbert's voice. "We seem to be trapped!"

The three looked down only to see that their hands and feet were tied with what looked like reasonably priced women's clothing.

"Where ARE we?" Jon said, struggling with the A-line skirt that secured his hands behind his back.

"I thought you'd never ask!" the voice said again. Suddenly the lights came on and the three were horrified by the monstrosity before them.

"KATHIE LEE!" they all screamed at once.

"That's right!" Kathie Lee smirked, closing her compact and turning to face them. "It is I! Welcome to my lair."

As their eyes adjusted to the brightness, Jon, Steve and Stephen looked around them in horror. All around them lay the bones of puppies long ago eaten. Here and there some fur was strewn about. A half chewed bone lay long forgotten in the corner, a leash laying next to it that read "Waggles."

"YOU ... BAD, BAD WOMAN!" Colbert spat. Jon started crying because he loved animals so much, especially puppies, and because he wasn't afraid to show his emotions in public, even though Bill Maher called him a woman for it. Carell comforted Jon, but because his hands were tied with the classic little black dress, all he could do was nuzzle him with his head.

Kathie Lee smiled evilly at Jon's tears. "Yes ... yes! Oh, I am enjoying this." Turning to a small Hispanic child from one of her sweat shops, she whispered something in his ear, and nodding he ran off.

"I could have been a legend. I could have been the WHITE Oprah!" Kathie Lee said, circling the three men, her high heeled shoes clicking on the hard floor. "But NOOOO, you had to go and expose my insatiable appetite for cute, playful little puppies."

"You'll never get away with this, Gifford!" Colbert shouted, furiously trying to free himself from the imitation snake skin belt that bound him.

"SILENCE!" she shouted back at him. "If you're lucky, I might let YOU go, Colbert. It's Stewart I'm after."

"Oh, okay," Colbert said, shutting up.

"Please don't do this, Kathie," Jon pleaded, tears traveling from his gorgeous blue/green eyes and down his cheeks. "I have a wife. And Ching Ching!"

"Quiet, you hairy little man!" Kathie Lee shouted. "I think you'll give me what I want after you see THIS!"

At her signal, the poor sweat shop child wheeled out a blanket-covered object. He pulled the red velvet cloth off to reveal a small cage with a frightened dog trembling inside.

"SHAMSKY!!!!" Jon shouted, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Kelly

Kathie unhinged her jaw, making her yapper bigger than the likes of even Mick Jagger and rose Shamsky above her head. A maniacal laugh rose from within her bowels as she started to lower Shamsky to her mouth.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" chimed all three ladies, er, men.

"Oh, you poor, poor bastard ...." Colbert said, blinking back tears for Shamsky.

Jon struggled with the skirt Kathie had tied around his hands only to realize that they really WERE well made ... oh, what wondrous workers sweatshop kids were!

And just as Kathie was about to eat Shamsky the little pooch let out an animalistic growl, which was to be expected since he is an animal, and peed all over her makeup-caked face.

"I'm melting!" Kathie gasped, dropping the pit bull on the floor with a yelp.

Just then Craig stepped in, his blond-viking Aryan charm and looks illuminated by the florescent bulb over his too big head. "No, you imbecile, water melts you, not piss."

"Oh, thank GOD!" Kathie said, ripping a shirt from the floor and wiping her face.

Shamsky, in the meantime, ran over to Jon and sat in his lap ... for the first time Jon wished that Shamsky wasn't the sweet little girl she was and would just be a pitt bull for once! JUST ONE TIME!

Craig walked over to Jon and yanked him up from the floor. "You bastard!"

"Craig, what the fu ..." Jon started

"Hey! Not around my virgin ears!" Colbert shouted ... slowly he smiled. "Okay, I'm kidding, carry on."

"Craig, why ..." Jon started again.

"DAMN THESE THONGS!" Carell shouted, trying to untie himself.

"Will you stop interrupting, I'm trying to find out what the ..." Jon started for the third time.

"Because you stole my show! You stole my show and you got ALL THE GLORY!!!" Craig shouted. He started to slap Jon but one of his hairs fell out of place and he dropped Jon so he could run to the full length mirror to fix the askew hair.

"Craig, you LEFT! You left of your own accord!" Jon shouted.

"Oh, you'll get your comeuppance, Mr. Stewart!" Craig shouted, having fixed the wayward hair. "Boys!!!"

With the call, three Mounties came in the room, adorned in their matching red and black costumes, perched atop their horses... "Blandthrax, eh?!!"

Jon shuddered, hanging his head ... "Canadians ... DAMNIT! They look JUST LIKE US!!!"

Crystal

"Which one did you want us to grab, eh?" The leader of the Canadian mounties asked.

"Eh? I need you to perform a professional assassination and all you can say is 'eh?'. What the hell kind of talk is that?" Kathie squawked. "You damn Canadians are lucky that I don't have you kids making my fabulous clothing line!"

Craig rolled his eyes at Kathie Lee's obsessive-compulsive perfectionist disorder and stomped out.

As Kathie tortured the mounties with her perfectionist viewpoints, Jon, Steve, and Stephen tried to figure a way out.

"Alright, men, we must stop being pansies" Jon started. "We must stand up and take charge!"

"YEAH!" Colbert shouted. "And how are we going to do that, Jon?" He asked quietly.

"Why are you asking Jon?" Carell asked defensively. "Just because he is the lousy host doesn't mean that he is our leader outside of the show. I am TIRED of being just a correspondent. Jon, you egg me on by letting me host the show while you are off MAKING MOVIES."

"YEAH!" Colbert shouted. "What are you two talking about??"

"I am saying that the Daily Show correspondents are being USED!. And the person getting all the credit is the 'FAMOUS JON STEWART.' I am SICK of it!!!"

Suddenly a giggle interrupted. Kathie stood above them, laughing "Well, I don't need the mounties anymore. Boys go back up to Canada, I think that Steve and Stephen are going to kill Jon for me!" From somewhere out of the darkness, the theme of the witch from the Wizard of Oz began as Kathie ran out of the dungeon and slammed the door behind her.

"Good job guys, that was great acting," an exasperated Jon broke the silence. "You really saved my ass that time."

"I wasn't kidding, Jon," Carell stated bluntly.

"Steve, I ... I can't believe it, I thought you were happy." Jon sincerely stated. "I wish you would have told m ...."

"Man, you should have seen the look on your face!" Steve loudly interrupted.

"That was a good one, I have to admit it," Colbert added.

"Funny, guys, really funny." Jon looked around, and then down at his sissy pitbull. "Shamsky. I need you to run and get help! And stay away from Kathie Lee's big trap!"

With that, Shamsky ran out between the bars of the dungeon door, and out for help.

Steve looked and saw in Jon's coat pocket his Dial Antibacterial Soap Now with Extra Antibacterial Power! and an idea popped into his head.

"Jon, " Steve looked over at his friend, "children who work in sweatshops are dirty, right?"

"Yeah," Jon replied, "and ...?"

"Well, we are tied up with these clothes, made by the dirty children, and the clothes are made of, basically, bacteria. AND, you have your Dial in your pocket. If we pour the Dial on the clothes, maybe it will help to us to burn the clothes off, and set us free!" Steve said proudly.

"Well," Jon said hesitantly, "it is worth a try, I guess." He leaned over and let Steve grab the dial out of his pocket. Steve had a difficult time due to the fact that not only was he uncoordinated, but it didn't help that his hands were tied behind his back.

Once the dial was in Steve's hands, he twisted of the cap, and poured it on the clothes that bound Jon's hands. They then all waited in anticipation to see if it would work.

Melly

Meanwhile, Shamsky ran as fast as she could back to the TDS studios, stopping only once to sniff an attractive poodle's butt. She ran in the front doors of TDS, past the receptionist and up the stairs.

The first person Shamsky came to was Mo Rocca.

"Ruff! Woof! WOOOOFFF!" Shamsky said.

"Go away little dog," Mo said, adjusting his classes. "I am too busy working on a new Dollars and Cents for tonight. If only I could find Colbert to help me!"

Annoyed, Shamksy ran up to Madeline Smithberg.

"WOOOFF!!" she said. "RUUUFFF!!!"

"Not now, Shamsky," Madeline said, making small corrections to a script laying on her desk. "It's almost time for rehearsal and I can't find Jon anywhere!"

Pissed, Shamsky was just about to give up when she saw Lewis Black practicing his weekly rant in the corner.

"WOOOOFFF!!!!!" Shamsky barked with all her might.

"What?" Lewis said, turning around. "Kathie Lee?"

Shamsky nodded. "Ruff! Ruff! Yap!" she barked.

"OMG!" Lewis said. "We have to help them! Lead the way, Shamsky!"

And with that Lewis and the diminutive pit bull ran off into the beautiful spring day.

[Meanwhile, back at the dungeon]

"Um ..." Jon said, struggling to look behind his back, "Is it working?"

"I don't think so ..." Carell said, trying once again to free himself of the pink thongs that bound him. "But hey look at it this way, your hands are clean now!"

That DID make Jon happy, but there was still the problem of Kathie Lee wanting to kill them.

"We are SO screwed!" Colbert said, near tears. "I will never be on Strangers with Candy again!"

"And I will never get the chance to be in another cancelled TV show!" moaned Carell.

"I will never host the Grammy's again!" wailed Jon. "Oh Bono, how short our time together was!"

The three were sniffling all over the place when the door opened again. Kathie Lee entered in a long red dress.

"Oh, still alive I see!" she said, turning her non-shiny nose up at them. "Well good, because maybe now you'll give me what I want!"

"Anything! Just let us go!" Jon said.

"Craiggers!" Kathie Lee yelled.

Nothing happened.

Rolling her eyes, Kathie yelled louder, "KILBORN! GETYOUR ASS IN HERE!"

"I'm here, I'm here, my lady!" Kilby said, scurrying into the room. "Sorry, one of your sweat shops brats told me I was thinning in the back and nearly gave me a heart attack."

Sighing and extending one manicured hand, Kathie Lee pulled a pen from in between her cleavage. "Give me the papers!" she ordered.

Smirking, Kilby handed Kathie Lee a big stack of legal documents.

"Now ..." Kathie Lee said, adjusting her diamond necklace. "All you have to do is sign these papers and we'll let you pathetic excuses for entertainers go!"

"Not with THAT pen, lady!" Carell said, looking at the pen with disgust.

"SILENCE!" Kathie Lee yelled. "You WILL give me what I want. The Daily Show is going to become ... oh, tell them Craiggey, I am so overcome with excitement!"

"The Kilby and Kathie Variety Hour!" Kilby said, spraying his hair with hair spray.

"NEVER!" the three yelled in unison.

"Fine then!" Kathie Lee said, taking something out of her designer purse. "Maybe this will change your mind."

The three shuddered in fear as Kathie Lee pulled out a microphone and began to sing a medley of show tunes.

"Mommy!" Colbert squeaked.

Kelly

Suddenly Jon had an idea. Obviously Craig was angry with Jon for taking over his spot and surpassing him ... so who's to say that he was all that happy about Kathie Lee being his boss? Kathie Lee was a two-bit hag that had nothing going for her ... at least Kilborn had a show that was actually pretty popular with the college kids who knew it was on and remembered to watch.

"So, how does it feel to be Gifford's underling?" Jon asked, scooting back and resting his back on the wall, hoping his acting skills had improved enough to pull of a mixture of nonchalance and superiority.

"Jon, what the hell are you doing?!" Carell hissed at him.

"Shh!" Jon hissed back.

Craig tossed his hair in typical surferboy fashion and ruffled at the question. "I am no one's UNDERLING." He said, trying to laugh it off.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I meant boy-toy." Jon said, laughing.

Steve hung his head, silently saying his prayers. Colbert however caught on quite quickly. "So, are you going on a Carribean Cruise soon, Craiggers? Gonna see if they'll play Yambo instead of Limbo?"

Kilborn strode over to the two of them with an angry flash in his eyes. "Shut up! Just shut up, the both of you!"

"Craiggers ..." Kathie Lee said, bored. "Could you get my nail file, I've got a bitch of a hang nail."

"I am NOT YOUR BOY TOY!" Craig yelled, spinning to face her angrily.

Kathie Lee laughed, reaching out and cupping his chin. "Course you're not! Now be a doll and get my file?"

Craig hung his head and started out the door.

"Hey Jon, can you say pussy whipped?" Colbert said just loud enough for Craig to hear.

Jon giggled at that. "I think I can, but why not just say Kilborn, they're one in the same."

Craig turned around and the boys stiffened up thinking that he might come lash out at them. "Why ARE you in charge Kathie?" He asked, putting his hands on his hips.

Kathie rolled he eyes. "Cause, I'm ..."

"No, you know what? I don't wanna hear it!" He shouted, shoving her away as she tried to come near him. "I have a successful late night show ..."

Kathie snorted. "That comes on after ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT at 1:00 in the morning!!! You don't even rate as second best to Letterman, you rate as third!"

Kilborn took a deep breath. "Well, at least I'm ON TV!"

"I'm on TV ..."

Kilborn snorted. "YEAH! When Leno feels sorry for you he lets you come on his show and spread your venom for a few minutes to make up for the way he and EVERYONE ELSE MADE YOU INTO A LAUGHING STOCK!"

Jon looked at Colbert. "This is working out almost too well ... I'm beginning to think it's too good to be true." Colbert nodded.

"No! NO! Jon made me into a laughing stock!!! It was HIS FAULT!" Kathie said, turning her evil green eyes to face Jon. "All cause I made a slightly condescending ..."

Kilborn snorted again. "Oh please, don't delude yourself, lady! Jon might have been making fun of you as part of his act ..." Kilborn looked at Jon for a second, "which was funny by the way..."

Jon looked at him confused. "Uh ... thanks?"

Craig nodded. "Yes, even I can admit you're funny." He turned his attention back to Kathie Lee. "But he was in NO WAY the only one making fun of you! I made fun of you, Leno, Letterman, ANY COMIC I saw, you're a comedy go-to name, Cruella, deal with it."

Kathie Lee reached up and slapped Craig across the face. "Cruella! How DARE you compare me to a peasant girl who mopped the floor!"

Carell snorted that time. "That was Cinderella, you poor unfortunate vindictive exasperating imbecile."

Jon looked at him. "Nice usage of adjectives."

Carell nodded. "Thank you."

Craig nodded. "You're no longer the boss, Gifford."

Annie

Jon, Steve, and Stephen huddled on the floor, watching the power struggle between Kathie and Craiggers. The two figures glowered at each other, refusing to break eye-contact. The tension was palpable. They could almost see sparks exchanged through the hard gazes. No moment in history had ever matched the explosive rage simmering just under the skins of both celebrities. The three helpless men knew that they stood (er, lay) on the precipice of a monumental battle.

"I have to pee," whimpered Steve.

"Shut UP," hissed Jon.

Then they heard it. A wailing sound, vaguely human, far in the distance. Craig and Kathie looked up, startled. The sound grew louder, and louder, and louder still.

The giant brass door shook. Craig and Kathie backed away. The three wussies on the floor started wriggling towards the far wall. The door shook again.

"This isn't HELPING!" cried Steve, one leg wrapped around the other.

The door shook one final time and exploded off the hinges, crashing into the far wall just above Kathie's frizzy red head. The five clueless people cowered in terror as a figure emerged from the dust.

"LEWIS BLACK!" screamed Jon, Steve, and Stephen.

Lewis Black was a creature of fire. He rarely emerged in full form, but he had shed his human skin to appear in his True Form. He stood before them, ablaze with his angry glory, and pointed his fiery finger at Kathie Lee and said ...

Courtney

"I can't believe Kathie Lee is actually standing in front of me!" Super! Fiery! Lewis Black snarled in a sarcastic tone amplified into a thunderous sneer. "I thought you were a tale invented to frighten small Guatemalan children into doing their homework!"

"You were wrong Lewis," Kathie Lee shot back. "I am real ... and I'm spectacular!"

"I wouldn't be too sure about that, Kathie," Craiggers retorted.

From his cowering place, Steve stifled a giggle and crossed his legs a little harder.

"Spectacular, Kathie?" Super! Fiery! Lewis shot back. "Your eyelids are stretched tighter than a miniskirt across J-Lo's ass. You're more frightening to the American public than the trailer for the next Mariah Carey movie!"

"But I love trailers!" Stephen exclaimed.

"Shhhh," Jon whispered. "I don't think Kathie Lee can last much longer. A Lewis Black insult is painful enough when he's in human form, but it's downright deadly coming from Super! Fiery! Lewis Black. Look at Craig -- he's not even in the direct line of fire and he's suffering."

Stephen turned to see Craiggers sweating and wilting towards the floor.

"You're right," he said. "We're almost free!"

Stephen and Jon smiled with glee, but Jon noticed that Kathie Lee was also smiling, an evil smirk across her face.

"Your insults can't hurt me, Lewis," she said smugly.

"And why is that?"

"Do you think I spent all those years sitting beside Regis and getting ripped on Howard Stern without developing some protection?"

And with that, a hard metallic shell began to creep up Kathie Lee's skin, surrounding her.

"You can't penetrate my defenses now!" she exclaimed in triumph.

"That's what Frank said," Steve quipped, grimacing. He tried to grip his legs together tighter, but found he had lost all feeling in his lower limbs due to constricted blood flow.

"My God, Jon," Stephen gasped. "What are we going to do?"

"I think I may have a plan, my friend," Jon answered, "I think I may have a plan ...."

Kelly

Carell looked at him expectantly. "What's your plan Jon?"
  
Jon rolled his eyes in the back of his head. "My plan is ...." He banged his head on the wall behind him. "Damnit! I got nothing!"
  
Colbert watched Kathie Lee in horror. "My God, she's terminator two! Next thing we know we'll be hearing the pre-adolescent squawking of Edward Furlong!"
  
"NO! Don't say that! Then it'll come true!!!" Carell screamed at him. "MAN, do I have to pee!"
  
And then came the squawkings ... only they weren't human.
  
Suddenly the tiny blackened window above Jon's head broke and an object flew in, followed quickly by nine others. There was a white pitbull, a tan pitbull, a dog with no anus, a dog with two testicles, a dog with no testicles, a blind dog, a deaf dog, a mute dog, a cat with a bad knee, and a ferret. They were all yip yapping away, except for the cat and ferret who were meowing and chirping respectively.
  
"Shamsky!" Jon called to the tan pitbull, "You brought backup!!! Way to go girl!!!"
  
All except for Shamsky surrounded Kathie Lee, pawing at her, yapping at her, growling at her. The blind one, bless her heart, was actually pawing and growling at the wall, but that's okay because her heart was in it.
  
"Jesus Jon, who are all those animals?!" Colbert hissed at him.
  
Jon smiled, tears in his eyes, proud of his pets. "I told you, Tracey works at a vet's office, she brings home all the broken ones."
  
Carell nodded. "Awww, look at that, the blind one just bit the cord off the wall ... I bet she was going for Kathie's leg ... good girl! A little to the left!"
  
Alas, with the protective metal garb on, the dogs were unable to harm Kathie, but she began to tremble nonetheless. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head. "Puppies ... puppies, oh sweet delicious puppies ...."
  
Lewis had backed up slightly when the dogs showed up and Shamsky was standing by him, his hand idly resting on her head, scratching. "Good girl Shamsky, you're a sweetie, but you can certainly pull the troops together."
  
"Puppy ... mmmmmm ... puppy ...." Kathie mumbled. As she mumbled her metal armor began to dissolve and the ferret seized the opportunity to crawl up her back and was latched on to her hair. "Puppies, delicious puppies ..." Kathie mumbled, oblivious to the ferret clawing at her hair. Finally situated the ferret took a huge bite out of Kathie's ear. "AWUUUU WHAT?!!!!!!!"
  
"YEAH!" Jon, Carell, and Colbert screamed.
  
"I knew I named him Tyson for some reason." Jon said, laughing.
  
Unfortunately, due to the thrashing of Kathie Lee, Tyson the Ferret came flying off her head and landed with a thud in Jon's lap. "Awwww, poor Tyson ... you okay?" The ferret shook his head and noticed he was in Jon's lap. Happy and content he settled himself in Jon's hands and went to sleep.
  
Colbert smiled. "Poor lad's tuckered out."
  
Just then, Monkey, the poop-scooping dog, lunged for Kathie's throat, who was still shaking her head screaming, "My ear, my ear!!!"
  
Suddenly there was a high, barely audible pitched whistle. All dogs began to howl and cower. Turning they fled from Kathie and ran over to Jon, burying their heads behind his back. Jon looked around and sure enough Craig had a dog whistle in his hand and he was blowing it. Taking a breath he smirked at Jon, standing. "You didn't think I'd blow it on account of your mod squad puppy brigade did you?!" Craig said, resuming his blowing.
  
But the cat was undeterred. She simply purred once at Kathie and then hunkered down, sticking her butt up in the air. "AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAA" she emitted.
  
"Oh, no ...." Jon said, hanging his head. "She picks NOW to be horny!!!"
  
But soon they saw why maybe it wasn't hormones driving her to emit the "In Heat" call as thousands of cats poured through the window in mere seconds ....

Melly

"NO! NOT THE CATS AGAIN!" Kilby screamed.

The cats, in their mad struggle to mate with Jon's cat, swarmed over Kathie Lee, slowly trampling the old whore to death under hundreds of tiny cat feet.

"Nooooo!!!" screamed Kathie Lee. "I'm allergic to cats! Oh how it hurts, how it hurts!"

Meanwhile, Lewis made his way through the hundreds of furry, sex-crazed felines, over to Jon, Steve, and Stephen.

"You guys are SUCH pussies!" he said, shaking his famous fiery finger at them. "Three full grown men can't overpower one emotionally unstable former talk show host!"

"Remember Lewis, Geraldo falls into that category," Jon said as Lewis untied him. "And he's got a gun!!"

"Oh mama, Stevey gotta go!" Steve moaned as he attempted to stand up. Frantically looking around Kathie Lee's Dungeon of Doom, he scurried over to a corner and relieved himself.

"Alright Kathie Lee!" Colbert said. "I think you've learned your lesson. Come near us again and Jon can't promise how horny his cat will get!"

"Yeah!" Jon said smugly, picking up his still screaming and ass-waving kitty. "I have a horny cat and damnit, I'm not afraid to use it!"

As the TDS heroes left the dungeon -- Jon proudly petting his panting cat, Steve zipping up his fly and breathing a sigh of relief, Stephen giving the mounties a couple bucks and telling them to go get themselves dinner, and Lewis giving Kathie Lee a final fiery and furious kick -- Kilby rose to half-heartedly stop their exit, only to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror
and of what the frantic tomcats and their claws had done to his hair.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Kilby screamed. "NOOOO!!! NOOOOO!! NOTA ..... OH GOD .... A MULLET!!!!!!!!"

Our three heroes (and Lewis who is a hero too, but I didn't want to confuse anyone) watched as Kilby fell slowly to his knees, a far away look in his face. As he curled up into a fetal position and began to suck his thumb, the four knew he would never bother them again.

"Mommy..." Kilby said. "Why do the kids laugh at me? They make me go poopy in my pants."

Relieved that they had escaped the dungeon of doom, the four comedians headed back to TDS studios.

"Um ... Jon," Steve said, as the four stepped back into the sunlight. "Nothing funny happened to us ...."

But even as our four heroes once again happily skipped through Manhattan on the bright, beautiful spring day, back deep down in the dark, dark, dungeon, decorated in a monochromatic pink theme, covered in puppy bones and cat hair ... one manicured hand rose up from the pile of happily sleeping tomcats...and began to move ....

Kelly

[Organ Music playing, Deep Announcers Voice rises]

And thus concludes Chapter 1 of Jewey Jewman and Friends ....

But is it over?

Will they ever have their fun day in the sun and capture it on video?

Will Steve have to pee again?

Will Colbert ever figure out how to operate the camera?

What time is it now that they're free and will they be able to make the night's show in time?

If not, will they have to worry about crazed fans needing their daily fix of The Daily Show?

Will Kathie arise from the puppy bones and strewn cat hair and begin plotting her next plan, or will she move on?

Will Kilborn ever stop sucking on his thumb and tell Kathie off? Or will he just remain her underling?

Will Kathie get rid of that ugly rash that comes from being allergic to the thing that just mauled you?

Will Jon ever be on Conan? (Okay, that was just me wondering!)

Will something else sinister happen?

 

Added May 1, 2002.
Compiled by Kelly.


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