The Adventures of Jewman and Robin
Started May 11, 2002
by The JBB
By day he's a successful
comedian and host of the Daily Show, but by night he's ... Jewman! With his
faithful sidekick, Robin (Steve Carell), The Manly Wonder, these two battle
to keep the airwaves free of all sensationalism, over-commercialism, and BS
Scene 1- The Daily Show Studios, Thursday morning
(Jon is rehearsing for
tonight's show at the desk in his office)
Jon: Let's do some damn
headlines! Let's do some headlines, damn IT! Let US do some headlines ... oh
(Steve enters with a worried
look on his face)
Steve: Jon, Geraldo is
on FOX again. I think he's in the midst of some diabolical plan! Should we put
the smack down?
Jon: (rising from his desk
to hold Steve) Shhh, my faithful friend. We can only wait for the commissioner
to call. Only he can summon our services.
Steve: Well, I put an extra
pair of tights in my back pocket just in case. Here, I brought an extra mask
for you. They were on sale at the costume store.
Jon: (grabbing the mask
out of Steve's hand) Dammit, Steve, don't go waving that around! You could blow
our whole cover and unmask Jewman forever!
Steve: (looking sad) Gee,
I'm sorry, Jon. I just wanted to help. Don't you like this mask? Look, it's
hand beaded. It'll go nicely with those new boots you got.
Jon: (looking at mask)
Oh hey, it will! And I just ordered a new leotard that should match perfectly.
(Jon puts the mask down on the desk) But you must be careful, my Sancho. Years
ago when my dog was stolen, I ran out into the night to look for him. It was
dark, and rainy. The rain was cold and chilled my soul. In my despair, I tripped
and fell into the sewer and as I wiped the icy rain from my brow, I saw it ...
the image that would change my life forever.
Steve: What was it, Jon?
Jon: A day-old falafel.
From that night on, I knew I must fight sensationalism to avenge my stolen puppy.
From that night on, I knew it would be up to me and me alone to strike fear
into the hearts of all who dared make a big deal out of something. From that
night on, I was to be ... Jewman.
Steve: (looking at Jon
with awe) You're my hero, Jonny! I shall always follow wherever you lead!
(Steve and Jon exchange
a tender look as Stephen Colbert and Nancy Walls enter Jon's office)
Stephen: Jon! We need to
speak with you.
Jon: (hurrying to hide
his Jewman mask) Why Stephen! I uh ... dammit, I am NOT Jewman! Stop hounding
Nancy: (giving Jon a weird
look) Yeah ... um, we came in to tell you that Geraldo has launched his own
line of hair products. We think it will make a good opening for tonight's show.
Stephen: Man, when will
that guy give it a rest? He's so sensationalistic!
(Jon and Steve exchange
a slow look)
Jon: Did you say ... sensationalism?
Nancy: (going up to Steve)
Steve! Why are these tights in your back pocket? Have you been stealing from
my lingerie drawer again, honey?
Steve: Uh ... you have
to leave. Jon and I need to talk ... you have to leave.
Stephen: Jon, don't you
want to come to the conference room and write jokes about Geraldo?
Jon: (trying to inconspicuously
slip on a black, beaded glove) Um ... you go on without us ... Steve and I will
be along in a few hours.
Nancy: A few HOURS? Jon,
rehearsal is in an hour and Steve, you have to pick our daughter up from daycare!
Steve: (nonchalantly slipping
one toe into his tights) Uh, Matt Walsh will do it for me. We'll be along, you
won't miss us ... bye!
(Jon and Steve usher Stephen
and Nancy out of the room and slam the door)
Steve: I knew Geraldo was
up to his dastardly deeds! We must destroy his line of mousse!
Jon: The commissioner must
know about this! Steve, TO THE JEW CAVE!
(the two open a trap door
under Jon's desk. Inside are two poles that lead to a system of old subway tunnels
underneath the city. Jon slides down first)
Jon: Hurry up, friend of
friends! Every minute we stay here is another minute Geraldo is free to manufacture
his horrid hairspray!
Steve: (still fiddling
with the tights) I'm coming! DAMN THESE TIGHTS!
(Steve follows Jon down
the poles and the trap door closes behind them)
Scene 2: In the depths of the Jew Cave
(actually located in the
seldom used basement rung of the TDS Studio's parking garage)
Steve: (letting out a sigh)
The Jewmobile ... I love the Jewmobile.
Jon: (nodding) And it's
Steve: (caressing car)
Yeah, the '69 Camaro is the best. Nance likes the newer ones, but I like the
style of the older ones better ...
Jon: (picking at a chipped
piece of paint) I really need to get it painted though. I want something cool
... some sort of wicked paint job ...
Steve: (shaking head) But
then they might catch onto us!
Jon: (sighing) The price
of being Jewman ... I can't have a cool paintjob.
(the radio on the dashboard
of the beaten up Camaro fizzled and crackled)
Radio: Jewman! Blackbird
to Jewman and Robin!
Steve: (sighing) I don't
like the nickname Robin! Why do you get the cool name?!
Jon: (rolling eyes) Steve,
not now! Yes Blackbird?
Blackbird: He's at it again.
He's coming up with a whole line of ...
Jon: (nodding) Yes, Lewis,
we know.. a whole line of hair products.
Blackbird: Jewman! ONLY
NICKNAMES! No one can know that I, Lewis Black, am involved with your hijinks!
Steve: (confused) Hijinks?
Lew ... er, Blackbird I mean ... (eyes lighting up with an idea) how bout Blackey?!
moan) Blackbird, dammit.
Steve: (sighing) Alright,
fine.. Blackbird, why hijinks? We save the public from the corruptions of over
sensationalistic journalists! There is no task nobler ... (aside, to self) Is
nobler a word?
Blackbird: Yes, it is noble!
But I'm a comedian who's made my name being a ranting lunatic! I can't go around
having people think I'm some sort of pansy do-gooder.
Jon: (rolling eyes again)
Enough! What shall we do Blackbird? We're in the Jewmobile ...
Blackbird: Why don't you
call a spade a spade? It's a piece of shit Camaro, Jewboy!
Steve: (light bulb over
his head) Hey! Why don't I be Jewboy! You're Jewman, and I'm Jewboy!!!!!
(something akin to sobbing
coming through on radio)
Jon: (rolling his eyes,
thinking to himself if he rolls them one more time he'll have a brain hemorrhage)
Steve, fine.. but you're not Jewish.
Blackbird: How bout Altarboy?
Steve: (thinking) I'll
have to ponder this.
Jon: (heavy sigh) Ponder
later!! We have a situation to absolve!
Get thee over to Geraldo headquarters and destroy those hair products sprung
from the loins of Geraldo!
Steve: (giggling) Sprung
from the loins.. you make it sound like it's ...
Jon: (trying not to laugh,
failing miserably) No jokes! Now is not the time to joke!
Blackbird: You sicken me,
the both of you.
Jon: (giggling at the thought
of how red Lewis' face probably was now from anger) Alright, enough ... Steve,
er.. I mean ... what did you want to go by?
Steve: I'm still mulling.
Jon: (nodding, getting
into car) Well, Mullboy, get in the damn car!
Blackbird: Get it done
boys.. I have faith in ya.
Jon: (smiling) Thanks,
that means a ...
(radio fizzles out)
Jon: (sighing) Allot..
he never accepts the love.
(Jon puts the Camaro in
drive and waits for the traffic to let up)
Jon: Oh why oh why can't
the Jewmobile have wings like the Batmobile?!
Steve: Perhaps cause we're
not in Gotham City? (giggling)
Jon: Shut up.
(finally, the traffic slows
enough to let Jon out of the Jew Cave)
Jon: (sighing) When in
the Jewmobile, I am Jewman!
Steve: (rolling eyes) Alright,
Jewman, can I ask you a question?
Jon: Alright, if you must.
(beeping horn) Come on! PICK A LANE!
Steve: Why would a falafel
change your whole life?
Jon: (thinking) Well..
maybe it wasn't the falafel ... but I remember there being a falafel there the
day my life changed so.. ya know.. Pavlovian association.
Steve: (nodding) Okay ...
(to self) Mental note.. who the hell is Pavlov?
Scene Three: Geraldo Headquarters, That same morning ...
(Geraldo has taken over
the Statue of Liberty's head and turned it into a giant hair product manufacturing
plant. Bottles and bottles of mousse, gel, hairspray and dandruff shampoo are
being churned out and packaged to be sent all over the word).
Geraldo: (rubbing hands
together Mr. Burns style) Now that my tour of terror is over, I must find some
way to keep myself in the nation's eye. Soon, men and women alike will be fighting
each other at stores all over America to have soft, wavy hair like mine. Mwa
(Craig Kilborn, Geraldo's
number two man, enters)
Craig: The preparations
have been made, my master. When Jewman and his refreshingly spunky little sidekick
find this place, they'll regret the day they ever donned those silly tights!
Geraldo: Excellent! And
the tub of boiling hairspray?
Craig: It's heating up,
sir. But once it comes to a full, rolling boil, anything dipped in it shall
instantly be frozen in place! And with a shiny, soft touch.
Geraldo: You have done
well, my manservant. You shall be rewarded with four cases of my special gel,
sprung from my very loins ...
Craig: Only four, sir?
Look, do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get hairspray to boil without it
curdling? And I looked EVERYWHERE for a vat big enough to dip two people in,
I finally had to steal Marlon Brando's bathtub.
Geraldo: Insolent fool!
You dare to question me? Why, when I found you, you were nothing. A shell of
a man living on the beach with a disfigured talk show host and her faithful
band of midgets. I got you out of there! I made you a man! I let you work for
free hair products!
Craig: (patting his 'do)
Yes, thank you sir, o healer of split ends.
Geraldo: Now go pick up
your four cases of my "special" gel and go watch for Jewman!
Craig: Yessir! Right away
sir! (Craig scurries off, as Geraldo confirms his booking on The Today Show
to debut his new line of hair products).
(Steve and Jon are stuck
in traffic in the Jewmobile. Their costumes and car are getting them many odd
Jon: Dammit, these tights
are riding up.
Steve: We have to work
on these costumes. Whose idea was it to wear tights, leotards and beaded masks?
Jon: (thinking) Dammit,
it was Lewis! I'll get that, sonofa ...
(just then a clicking from
the radio cuts him off)
Jon: What do you want,
Lewis: That's blackbird,
you dumbass! Geraldo is using the Statue of Liberty as his headquarters! You
must go there and torch the place,
Steve: Torch the place?
Lewis, we can't destroy the Statue of Liberty!
Lewis: (pause) Well hey,
it's not my problem. Blackbird out.
Jon: Dammit, the flippers
for the Jewmobile are on backorder. We'll have to take the ferry.
Steve: Jon ...
Steve: Jewman, heroic crime
fighters shouldn't have to take ferries. I thought you said we were gonna be
special and have all kinds of nifty toys! You promised!
Jon: Shutup Jewboy, here
(a girl walks up to the
Jewmobile which is still stuck in traffic)
Girl: Hi there, sexy.
Jon: (smacks Steve) I believe
she was talking to me, Jewass! Hello young lady, I am Jewman! Fighter of sensationalism,
friend to all! (honks horn) Come on, you prick, I have to take a piss!
Girl: Oh Jewman, I've always
had a thing for yiddish men.
Steve: That's it! Yiddish
Jon: Not now, Steve! (turning
back to young girl) Well, you know what they say about Jewish men ...
Girl: (twirling hair around
finger) Oh, what's that?
Jon: (whispering) We'll
make you scream oy vey ... (winks at girl, she giggles)
Steve: Yid the kid! That's
it! Yid the kid!
Jon: (rolling eyes) You'll
have to excuse my retarded friend here, I was just taking him to the institution
... but afterwards I'd love to swing by your place and we can ...
(Lewis' voice comes out
of the radio again)
Lewis: What in the name
of God are you two pussies doing?? Geraldo is getting ready to ship to Wal Mart!
(at the sound of Lewis'
angry voice, the young girl runs off, frightened)
Jon: (grabbing radio) Dammit
Lewis, I almost scored!
Lewis: How many times do
I have to CRAM it into your head?? I am the black FREAKIN' BIRD!
Steve: (leaning over to
talk into the radio) And I am Yid the Kid! Would you like a bagel?
Lewis: Oh go screw yourself,
Steve. Jewman, since you can't get more than a block from the studio, we're
sending you a ride.
Jon: Roger that, Blackbird!
(Jon looks up just as a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Hovering above them,
a ladder is dropped)
Lewis: Good luck you nancy
boys. Don't let those tights ride up TOO much. (lewis giggles to himself)
Jon: (climbing up the ladder)
Dammit, I am going to get him one of these days.
Steve: (behind Jon on ladder)
You say dammit a lot. And I can see your package!
(Jon covers himself with
his cape as he and Steve get into the helicopter and head to the Statue of Liberty)
Scene 4 : Hair-aldo's lair
(Kilborn is standing on
the observation deck of the Statue of Liberty)
Kilborn: (to self) I'm
so sick and tired of being the bridesmaid and never the bride! I shall be the
bride this time around! I SHALL! The Journassassin (gotta throw a Conanism in
there) doesn't know it yet, but this is my turn ... this is MY TURN to shine
in the light!
Geraldo: (in mirror, hairbrush
to mouth) Hairaldo Rivera, Fox Nuse ... Noose ... News! News ... (clearing throat)
That's right Shepard, today, on the day to beat all days of days, in the heartland
of Christianity, a horrific, DASTARDLY deed was committed amongst my people
... the jewish people ... the chosen people ... uh ... .. the Israeli's.. yeah,
the Israeli's ... by the horrid and dassssstardly group of Hamaas.. a Palestinian
group controlled by none other than Yasssssir Arafat.
Geraldo: (continuing) The
blood spattered on the walls like a scene out of a Quenten Tarantino-esque horror
movie, I smelled the air. Freshly deposited excrement coated the walls and I
was thrown back by the shear magnitude of the ghastly conduct of the horrid
mongrels that committed this atrocity ...
(Kilborn rolled his eyes,
clearing his throat)
Geraldo: (quickly reverting
to brushing his hair) Yes Kilborn? Didn't I tell you to keep a watchful eye
for Jewman and his well built sidekick?
Kilborn: (discreetly rolling
eyes ... the man was SUCH a jagoff) Yes you did.. But Geraldo, incase you've
forgotten ... (smiling and leaning in close) We're surrounded by nothing but
water ... we'll see them, trust me!
Geraldo: But what if they
should have some sort of horrid and dastardly underwater ... . thingimajigger?
Kilborn: (biting back a
snort) They will not have a thingimajigger.
Geraldo: (affixing his
red bandana around his neck in a boyscout-ish fashion) Alright, but should they
sneak in some back way ...
Kilborn: (laughing) Raldo,
the only way to get in here is to climb up a whoooooooole lotta stairs.. so,
unless they somehow have access to some sort of aircraft, we'll see them come
through the door. Which, by the way, is where I've set the vat of hairspray.
Geraldo: (smiling) Eeeeeeexcellent.
Kilborn: (rolling eyes,
incredibly ironic tone) Indeeed Smithers ... (to self) Jackass.
Warning: The above parody
of Geraldo is, in fact, not even a parody.. he actually talks like that.. you're
talking to a Fox News Channel viewer. I know ... scary. Geraldo is the epitome
of sensationalistic journalism
(Jon is sitting with his
hands over his face)
Steve: (excited) Would
you like smear on your bagel?
Jon: (exasperated) It's
SCHMEAR!! You dolt!
Steve: That's what I said..
Jon: (about to strangle
Carell) SCHMEAR! Shhh ... mere!
Steve: Did you just beckon
Jon: (holding temples)
No, I said Shhhh mere, not c'mere ... Shhh mere! SCHMEAR! Forget it!!!!!! STEVE!
You're not JEWISH!
Steve: (nodding) I know!
But I like your words!
Jon: (trying to control
anger) Well, Steve, when you learn how to say schmegheggi, come talk to me.
Steve: (quiet) Smegeegy
... Shmacky ... nooo
Jon: (shaking head, moaning)
God noooooo ... .
Pilot: Scuse me, sirs?
Jon: (head popping up)
Pilot: By the way, I too
love the Yiddish words ... but I know I can't say them, so I don't try.
Jon: (laughing) Thank you
... it's maddening. Like a dog trying to meow. (looking at Steve) Stop trying!
NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
Pilot: We've arrived at
Steve: (looking at the
Statue of Liberty) Ohhh, she's so pretty ...
Jon: (nodding) Indeed it
Pilot: (turning to face
them) Good luck Jewman ... the country is counting on you.
Jon: (quietly) No pressure
or anything huh?!
Pilot: What's that?
Jon: (smiling) Nothing
Steve: Oh Jonny! Look it!
Steve: (near tears) The
torch ... always burning ...
Jon: (smiling nostalgically)
No.. no, we musn't Steve ... no time for maudlin thoughts.
Pilot: Sirs, when you need
me just send the signal.
Jon: (nodding) Righto ...
(looking for way off the copter that didn't involve plunging to his death.)
Pilot: Oh right! Yeah,
I'll lower it.
Steve: (clutching to Jon's
back) Jonny, don't let me die.
Jon: (deep breath) No one
dies on Jewman's watch.
(they start their trek
down the ladder)
Steve: I GOT IT!
Jon: (rolling his eyes)
Too long ...
Scene 5: Smash of the Titans
(Jon and Steve land on
top of the Statue of Liberty)
Steve: (rubbing bottom)
Lady Liberty sure has a hard head. So Jon, do you REALLY not like Yid the Kid?
Jon: (rolling eyes) She's
not the only one with a hard head. Come, my ally and let us defeat our foes!
Release the Jew drill!
(the helicopter pilot releases
the Jew Drill, which lands with a thud, near Jon and Steve's beaded black boot-clad
Steve: Jon! Do you mean
we must drill a hole through this sacred monument's head in order to surprise
Jon: (pulling the engine
string on the engine powered drill) Yep! Hey, tribes in Africa drill holes in
their head all the time! They say it opens up a third eye, she'll thank us for
it in the end. OW! I pulled a hamstring! Takeover for me, I'm gonna go rub my
Steve: (sighing as he resumes
pulling on the cord) How about Bishop Boy?
Jon: (sitting down on edge
of crown and removing his boots) Too high ranking.
(the Jew drill leaps to
life as Steve succeeds in getting the motor started)
Steve: (yelling above the
roar of the motor) I think it's working!!
Jon: (also yelling) Drill
my GI Jesus! Drill! Drill our way to freedom of sensationalism!
(Steve slowly drills hole
in the Statue of Liberty's head while Jon gives himself a foot massage and congratulates
himself on choosing a sidekick as dumb as Steve who will do all the work for
Meanwhile ... Below
in the Lair of Hair
(Geraldo is frantically
running about while plaster falls from the ceiling due to the drilling above)
Geraldo: Craig! Jewman
and his dastardly sidekick are drilling a dastardly hole into this, this symbol
of American values. Oh what a horror I am experiencing here today, folks. Excrement
Craig: (entering) Yes,
you dimwitted prick?
Geraldo: What did you say?!?
Craig: Uh ... I got here
Geraldo: Craig, my dastardly
thug, Jewman is drilling his way in here! You must ready my mousse!
Craig: (laughing) You wacked
sonofabitch! When did you get a moose? Where are you hiding it? (Craig looks
around the lair)
Geraldo: (rolling eyes)
My hair mousse you overgrown frat boy! You know, the special kind we made that
one night we got drunk and tried to make our own crack?
Craig: Oh! Right, THAT
mousse. The kind that will ... when you spray it on people?
Geraldo: Yes! That! Fetch
it, my minion and together we shall destroy Jewman and banish him into that
desert in the sky!
Craig: Riiiight (scurries
off while simultaneously spinning a finger near his head to make the "crazy"
Geraldo: (looking toward
ceiling) Jewman, my foe, my Tour of Terror may have ended, but yours has just
begun! Mwa hahahahahaha!
Scene 6: The Statue of Liberty
(Jon, still rubbing his
feet, rehearsing for his next stand up gig)
Jon: Don't eat pork? Who
came up with that rule? Is that just pigs trying to trick us?
Steve: (rolling eyes) Jon,
didn't you use that on Unleavened?
Jon: (thinking) Um ...
Steve: (standing up) Jon
... (sweet tone) Jonny, you're a funny, funny man, and I love you, I do ...
but ... (loosing it) GET SOME NEW MATERIAL!
Jon: (hurt) Steve ...
Steve: (shaking head) Jon,
I'm sorry ... but.. but.. you're still doing the same show as you did in '96!
Jon: (thinking for a moment)
Steve: (letting the Jew
drill drop from his hands and looking at the blisters on his hand) Yes, you
are. Jon, look ... you're so funny, why do you need to resort to 6 year old
Jon: (hanging head) But..
but I know those get laughs so ...
Steve: Jon, YOU get laughs..
the jokes are fine, but it's YOU they love.
Jon: (smiling) Thanks.
(standing) Any luck?
Steve: (angry) LUCK?! Jon!
We're trying to DRILL A HOLE into the Statue of LIBERTY! I can't tell you 1)
how wrong that is, and 2) how IMPOSSIBLE that is!!!! It's METAL!
Jon: (nodding) You're probably
right. We should just use that door over there.
Steve: (trying to control
the anger) D ... d ... door?
Jon: (timid smile) Sorry,
I just now saw it.
Steve: (nearly a thermo
nuclear meltdown) Jon, I swear to God, if I didn't have these blisters ...
Jon: (smiling, putting
a hand on Steve's shoulder, leading him to door) Stevo! I'm sorry! I JUST saw
it! Here, come on ...
Steve: (shaking head) But..
I ... the drill.. my hands ... blisters.. Nancy doesn't like calluses!
Jon: (cringing) Yeah, sorry,
but listen, I have this fabulous hand cream ...
Steve: (sighing) Okay,
I'll bitch later.. but now ...
Jon: (nodding) Right, we
have fiends to defeat!
Steve: (excited) The Shephard!
Jon: (confused) Shephard?
Steve: (nodding excitedly)
Jewman and the Shephard!
Jon: (getting an idea)
Hey! How about the Pontiff!
Steve: (cocking head to
side) The Pontiff?
Jon: (nodding) Yeah yeah!
It's what you call the head of the Roman Catholic church. A bishop.
Steve: Bishop Boy!
Jon: (shaking head) I don't
LIKE that one!
Steve: (pouting) Well,
I don't LIKE Pontiff!
Jon: You just don't like
Pontiff because you didn't know what it meant!
Steve: (growling) You're
Jewish! Why do you know more about my religion than me?!?!?!
Jon: (entering door) Cause
I've been doing the same routine for six years ...
Geraldo: (sitting in chair,
giggling at the thought of defeating Jewman and his yet to be named sidekick)
I will get you, my foe, I will get you and your pretty little cohort too!
Craig: (practicing in front
of mirror) And now, your host, Craig Kill-burn! Killbourn ... Kilbyborny ...
Geraldo: (glaring at him)
Hey Craig Kill Joy! Will you stop your yapping?!
Craig: (glowering back)
I don't know Geraldo, will you stop your pontificating in your little gay red
Geraldo: (listening intently)
Shh!!! I hear steps!!! I HEAR STEPS!!
Craig: (rolling eyes) Great,
(to self) tells me to shh, and then yells ... good one, Obie Wan.
[the two turned to watch
the door where Craig had positioned the boiling vat of hairspray]
Geraldo: (clapping hands)
Oh, I can't wait, I can't wait ...
Scene 7: Bad Hair-aldo Day
(When we last left off,
our caped crusaders were headed for a vat of boiling hairspray while Geraldo
waited with masturbatorial glee! What shall become of our heroic heroes??)
Geraldo: (squealing) Oh
this is gonna be good! Craig! Fetch my new digital camcorder, so I can show
this all to mummy.
Craig: (mocking Geraldo)
Fetch my camcorder, show this to mummy, where's my asscott? I am SUCH a fairy!
(Craig lumbers off to find Geraldo's camcorder)
Geraldo: (jumping up and
down in his chair as the doorknob turns) Oh boy! Oh boy! Come on Jewman, only
another step ... Oh, I need popcorn for this ... and a beer! (Geraldo takes
out some popcorn and a beer as Craig re-enters with his camera)
Craig: Here, ass.
Geraldo: (munching on popcorn)
Oh Craiggers, you'll have to find my tripod, so it won't come out all shaky,
you know that makes mummy sick. She'll punish me!
Craig: (pushed to the limit)
Find my tripod! Mummy will punish me! Ya know what? (throws down camera, smashing
it into pieces) I have had it up to here! (Craig, teary eyed, puts his hand
up top his forehead), and frankly, I don't think I like you anymore!
Geraldo: (getting up and
embracing Craig) Sweetie, honey, am I treating you badly?
Craig: (blubbering) YES!
You're so mean! Why do you have to be so mean? (sobs)
Geraldo: Oh, Craiggers,
my cutie ... (Geraldo and Craig lock themselves into a loving embrace as Jon
and Steve open the door)
Jon: I think we found our
new headline for next week, my catholic cohort.
Steve: (giggling) You guys
are a couple of real homos, you know that?
Craig: (blowing his nose
on Geraldo's sleeve) Yeah, well at least I'm not wearing tights, you closeted
Steve: (more giggling)
That was funny. Insult us again.
Geraldo: We'd love to!
Why don't you ... come on in and have a beer first?
Jon: (laughing) What kind
of fool do you take me for? I can see that vat of boiling hairspray as plain
as the nose on my face!
That plain, huh? Well that's pretty damn plain, cause YOU, my predecessor have
a big honker.
Jon: I know Craig, thank
Craig:Your nostrils are
the size of J Lo's ass cheeks.
Jon: Yes, that's enough,
Craig: I mean, let's face
it, you blow your nose and it's a blackout in New York ...
Jon: Enough! Craig, I thought
we dealt with you last time, but I promise you you have harvested your last
batch of special gel from the loins of that sensationalized freak.
Steve: (laughing and punching
Jon playfully in the arm) Oh man, that's a good one, Jon ... that sounds like
Jon: I know, Steve. Shut
Steve: You used my name,
you ass! Well thanks a lot, un-freaking believable! I guess it's goodbye safety
for me, Nancy and the baby! That's ok, I don't mind evil villains knocking down
my door to massacre my family in their sleep, NO PROBLEM!
Jon: (giggling) Oh, I did
use your name, huh? Sorry! I just have to get the hang of this.
Steve: (casually) Maybe
we should practice at the studio.
Jon: (upset) You just said
studio! Now they (points at Geraldo and Craig) know we work for a TV show, good
Steve: (angered) Now you
used my last name! You used my last name, JON! JON STEWART! JONATHAN STUART
Jon: (shouting) Oh that's
it, mister, no more Produce Pete segments for you!
Steve: (yelling) GOOD!
I HATED playing that nerdy numb nut anyway!
Jon: YOU'RE the one who
came up with him!
Steve: YOU'RE the one with
(As Jon and Steve continue
to argue, Geraldo taps Craig on the shoulder and gestures to Paula Zahn, who
was sunning herself on the Statue's crown when she noticed Jon and Steve land.
As Jon and Steve start smacking at each other like girls, Paula readies herself
to push them both into the vat of hairspray).
Mo Rocca: Hi, kids! Have
you ever wondered why Jon Stewart can keep his hair in a "mini-pompadour" and
Regis: JON STEWART'S HAIR!
I MEAN, LOOK AT JON STEWART'S HAIR!
Diane Sawyer: I mean, it
just looks so ... so ... [her eyes start rolling back in her head]
Geraldo [going nuts inside
his Lady Liberty Lair of Hair]: How does he do it? How does he get such great
hair without a bazooka?!
[Cut to shot of Jon getting
his hair done]
Mo (voice-over): If you're a die-hard Daily Show fan, you'll know this is because
The Daily Show stylists use a high-grade lard substitute to shape and maintain
Jon Stewart's hair just before the show.
Matt Walsh: It really is
just amazing what they've done with Jon Stewart's hair. [Robotic pause.] Unfortunately,
not all of us can get that kind of star treatment around here. [Another pause.
Glance around.] Not that anyone is complaining.
Frank DeCaro: It look like
it would be great to touch, my little cremepuoff ...
Bill O'Reilly: No spin
on this one, Jon's hair looks so good this is what I would use if I had hair.
Because there are people out there, my friends, judging us every day ...
[Cut back to Mo]: And now,
J Magazine, along with the makers of Jonny's Johnson Hair Cleansing Creme, are
pleased to present you with this exclusive offer! For only three payments of
$49.95 (and a legally binding contract giving us your soul) you too can have
three two ounce tins of Mane-Tame High-Grade Lard Substitute to keep your hair
pompadour'ed and frizz free. That would be right! A normally $200 offer for
only three easy payments of $49.95! (And your soul.)
Jon Stewart: My hair days
have gotten sooo much better since I began using Mane-Tame. I mean ...
[cut to shot from Short
Attention Span Theater, Jon continues voice-over] ... if you look at my early
days and compare them to now ... [split screen with a clip from TDS on the right]
... Mane-Tame makes all the difference!
[cut back to Jon] It's
no wonder our ratings have gone through the roof!
Matt Walsh: Just wonder
what the ratings would do if we all got to use Mane-Tame?
Jon [shaking his hair while
spokes model runs her hand through it]: And the look is completely natural!
[Jon voice-overs again, cut to clip of Geraldo] And there's no icky shoe polish
look! [cut back to Jon, looking ecstatic, and spokes model, now caressing his
chin] None at all! [Jon notices model] None whatso- ... whatso- ... what were
Mo: Wondering what Mane-Tame
could do for you? Go and get the upcoming June issue of J Magazine at your nearest
newsstand! Included on page 53 is a ordering form. Can't wait for the next issue?
Call now, at 1-800-69N-WJON.
(end of commercial, we
now return you to our regularly scheduled idiocity ...
Scene 8 : The Late Shift
By Sara J
"No, you suck!"
"You suck worser!"
"Oh, yeah? You suck harder!"
"You suck longer!"
"'Least I don't suck my
"I do not!"
In the midst of this sucky
argument, Geraldo turned to Craig and whispered, "Do they always argue like
Craig shrugged. "How the
hell should I know? I'm not on their show!"
"Are you really still bitter
about that?" Geraldo asked.
Craig crossed his arms
and looked off in some random direction. "Maybe. Why should I tell you?"
"Because you work for me!"
Craig spun around. "No,
I don't! I only got roped into this because you promised me you'd fix it so
my hair would never be one strand out of place again! And know what? It wasn't!
Why do you think I cut it? You think I like looking like jail-bait? That gorgeous
blonde perfection was my trademark! And now, thanks to you and your crack-in-a-can,
I have the hair of a junior high choirboy and I can't get those damn Catholic
priests to stop calling me! I've had to change my number sixteen times! Sixteen!
The state of California is running out of combinations, thank you so much!"
Craig's voice rang throughout
Geraldo's lair, and suddenly everyone froze and stared at him.
Steve whistled. "Touchy
"You would be too, if everyone
in the world hated you," Craig told him, glaring up at Steve and Jon, two of
the world's most beloved comics - uh ... in disguise.
"Not everyone hates you,"
Jon said, his natural compassion surfacing at a very inopportune time.
"Easy for you to say,"
Craig sulked. "You have a whole fan club - largely composed of ladies, I might
add - who have nothing better to do than sit on the computer making up stories
Jon tilted his head. "You
know who I ... "
Suddenly, Paula Zahn let
out a roar to make the lair shake. "I've had enough of this!" she hollered.
"Jewman and Robin--"
"Bishop Boy!" Steve interjected.
"No!" Jon yelled.
"Silence!" Zahn screamed.
"You two! You have made fun of the Fox News personalities for the last time!
Prepare to meet your DOOM!"
Jon and Steve looked behind
them at the giant vat of searing hairspray. "Where did that come from?" Jon
asked. When they looked back ahead, Paula Zahn reared up like a bull ready to
charge and stormed toward them, nostrils flaring. Steve clung to Jon, whimpering.
"We're gonna die! That's
it for us, we're gonna die!"
Then, the entire lair began
to quake, throwing Zahn off balance and causing her to trip. Jon and Steve ducked
just in time, and Zahn plummeted into the vat of hairspray. Steve and Jon looked
over into the vat as noxious smoke billowed up at them.
"Oh, gross!" Steve coughed,
sticking and un-sticking his hands together. "Now we're all sticky from the
He stuck his hand to Jon,
then peeled it off. He giggled as Jon swatted his hands away. The lair hadn't
"What's going on?" Geraldo
shrieked, pulling at Craig's jacket. "Save me, Kilby!"
Craig shoved the sensationalist
and stepped back. "Get away from me, you self-righteous jerkoff," he snapped,
dusting off his sleeve. "I may be a narcissistic overgrown frat boy, but at
least I don't work for Fox."
Just then, a blinding light
shone through the lair and when everyone regained their sight, they all stood
"Hiya kids," a familiar,
slightly condescending voice greeted them. The great figure before them fastened
the button on his suit jacket, then swiped his hand through the air accompanied
by a slight drumroll.
Geraldo trembled with fear
and pointed a finger. "It's ... it's ... "
A voice-over from somewhere
in the lair echoed, "Now, the man who probably can't save the day, but couldn't
care less in the first place ... Daaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!"
Scene 9 : Et Tu Dave?
Jon: (while taking off
mask since his cover was blown anyway) Letterman ... . (sinking to Indian style
sitting position on the floor, transfixed on Letterman) Pappa ... (sighs)
Craig: (stuttering) D,
D, David ...
David: Craig, son, pack
your bags ...
Craig: Are you.. are you
taking me home?
David: (cracking up) Good
Lord! No! I meant pack your bags from your show! I own you, and I can fire you!
Craig: (hanging head) Yes
Jon: (still in awe) Pappa
David: (walking to Jon
and patting his head) Stand up Jon my boy.
Jon: (grinning) Yes sir!
(standing, a goofy grin still on his face)
Steve: Mr. Letterman ...
David: Call me Dave!
Steve: (smiling) Dave ...
David: (holding up hand)
Save it ... (turning to Jon) Ya know, Jon, I was walking through the park the
other day, and I saw a squirrel packing his cheeks full of nuts ... .
Jon: (already giggling)
Geraldo: Has this world
David: (in a stage whisper,
as if to whisper to Jon, but actually loud enough for every one to hear) Well,
he's in it, isn't he?
Steve: It's a mad mad world!!!
(laughing to self, only one laughing) Am I the only one who saw that movie?!
Jon: No, it just wasn't
Steve: (confused) The movie,
or my joke?
Jon: (rolling eyes with
Letterman) Your joke, Altar Boy
Steve: (pouting) Fine ...
and I still don't like Altar Boy.
Paula: (pulling Craig aside)
Craig? Did I say that him insulting me was him insulting Fox News people back
Craig: (nodding) Yeah.
Paula: CRAP! I don't WORK
FOR FOX ANYMORE!!! Damn this blond hair!!!!!!!!!
Craig: (rolls eyes)
Paula: (chanting) I work
for CNN, I work for CNN, I work for CNN, I work for CNN ... We report you decide
... NO! That's FOX! I'm such an ASS!!!
David: (whistling) Whew,
I think our good lookin' friend Paula has lost it ... he hee heee
Jon: (giggling at David's
Geraldo: (his neckerchief
in disarray) I was in control here! I was in CONTROL!!! CRAIG!!!! You work for
ME! Get your fratboy ass over here!!!!!
Craig: Geraldo, let it
go ... nobody's gonna buy your damn hair jizz anyway.
Geraldo: (opening shirt
to reveal bomb underneath) Oh yeah?! Well what if I said that unless you all
help me to sell it I blow up this Lady Liberty's head?! HUH?!!! I blow it up
with all of you inside!
David: (rolling eyes) But
then you'll blow up too.
Geraldo: I KNOW THAT! AND
FOX NEWS WILL COVER IT WITH ALL THE GLORY AS THEY DO EVERYTHING ELSE AND MY
PRODUCTS WILL SELL LIKE HOTCAKES CAUSE OF THE PUBLICITY!
David: Sorry, Jon ... (to
Geraldo) Geraldo, good buddy, how can I help ya?
Jon: (shocked, angry and
a little bit hurt) What?! David!!! WHAT?!
David: (straitening tie,
grimacing) What can I say kid ... I'm getting paid $30 million a year now, I
can't walk away from that by some stupid principle ...
Jon: (clenching fists)
Alright! That's it! I'm angry now!
Steve: (tearing up) Jon?
You're scaring me ...
Jon: (yelling) IT'S JEWMAN!
(ripping off shirt)
Steve: Good God! You ARE
Scene 10 : Is it something, or nothing?
By Sara J.
"Shut up, Steve, you're
ruining the effect!"
Steve only giggled. Jon,
suddenly fearless, marched up to Dave and tapped him sharply on the back. Dave
straightened his glasses and turned to face - er, look down at - Jon.
"Listen, David. I always
knew you were on my side. I always knew you believed in me. You gave me every
chance you could--"
A strident snap of someone's
fingers interrupted Jon's tirade. He looked toward the direction it came from
and there stood Craig, head tilted, familiar smug smirk in place, fluttering
his fingers at Jon.
Jon glanced down. "Well
... 'cept that."
He shook his head slightly
and looked back up at Dave, who was clearly enjoying this little outburst. "But
you were always there for me, always ready to help me and defend me ... and
now you're just gonna let it all go? Well, I don't think so, Mister! I refuse
to believe that you came all this way ... hey, how'd you get here anyway?"
"Paul," Dave smiled. "He's
not from here, you know."
"Yeah, he's Canadian,"
Jon replied. Dave laughed.
"No, I mean he's not from
here. That keyboard?"
Jon nodded, awaiting the
"Wow," everyone remarked,
like Ben Stein in the Clear Eyes commercials.
"But Dave," Jon continued.
"You couldn't have come all this way just to see me to my death. You wouldn't
let that happen ... would you?"
Dave only grinned.
Geraldo and a ghastly,
deformed, hairspray-laden Paula Zahn stood on either side of the great Letterman.
"He's on our side now!" Zahn hissed.
"You heard him!" Garaldo
cackled. "He'd do anything for the money!"
Jon's eyes suddenly lost
their spark. It was true. His hero had abandoned him. No, worse - he sold out!
Dave ushered Zahn and Geraldo
into the center of the lair, away from everyone else. "Jerry, buddy," he said
to Geraldo, "Have you ever played 'Is This Anything'? It's just a little game
Paul and I like to play. We have something on stage, and we have to decide if
Geraldo thought about it
a moment. "No ... I don't think I have. Paula?"
The Zahn-creature just
"Oh, it's loads of fun,"
Dave went on. "Wanna play?"
Geraldo and Zahn jumped
up and down giddily. "Yes, yes, we'll play!"
"Are you sure you want
to, now, you don't have to if you don't want to," Dave told them.
Jon, who had absent-mindedly
wandered over to where Craig was standing, whispered to him, "This has gotta
be a trick."
Craig shrugged. "Hell,
I don't know. I work for the man and I can't figure him out."
"Do you really think he's
gonna fire you?" Jon asked.
"No," Craig replied. "He
likes me. He must, otherwise he would've hired you."
"Yeah. But I like The Daily
"Better you than me."
"Really? You're not really
bitter about me taking your job?"
"But you didn't take my
job. I left because I wanted to get out. From day one I wanted to get out. Could've
chosen a better way to do it, but it worked. If anything, I took yours."
"Yeah, you were supposed
to get the Snyder gig. I got it based on the fact that I attract the college
"Not that that's necessarily
a good thing sometimes," Jon laughed.
Craig smirked. "Tell me.
It's not my kinda scene, really."
"At least your audience
isn't half-high or drunk or ... "
Craig just looked at Jon.
"Oh, yeah, college crowd,"
Jon said, and Craig nodded.
"Pssst! Hey!" came a voice
from above. Craig and Jon looked up to Steve peering down at them. "What are
you guys talking about?"
But they didn't have a
chance to answer. Geraldo and Zahn were practically foaming at the mouth because
Dave had built up the game so high, and they were bouncing around like pin balls.
"Ready to play?" Dave asked. They nodded as if their necks were made of rubber.
"Okay, here we go, we're gonna play Is This Anything?"
Once again, the lair began
"Oh, now what?" Craig said,
a bit exasperated.
Dave motioned upward with
his hand, and in front of everyone one wall of the lair rumbled and began to
lift up like a curtain. Geraldo and Zahn ceased their stupid bouncing and stared.
The shaking grew more intense,
and Steve lost his footing and fell. Luckily he was caught, quite by accident,
by Craig. Steve looked up at him and gave a goofy, wide-eyed smile. Craig rolled
his eyes and promptly dropped him. Steve got back to his feet and, since there
was no one closer, clung to Craig. Kilby tried to detach the frightened Steve
but his terrified grip couldn't be loosened, so Craig simply let his arms drop
to the side and grudgingly gave up. On the other side of him, Jon snickered.
"Shut up, he's your sidekick,"
Craig said, almost laughing in spite of himself.
"Yeah, but he's your problem
now," Jon replied, grinning.
Another dazzling light
then filled the lair, blinding everyone but Dave. When the light flashed and
disappeared, everyone gaped in awe of what stood before them.
"That's a lotta chicks!"
"Gentlemen," Dave began,
then looked over at Zahn. "And you. I bring to you ... " He pulled a card from
one sleeve and read it, then tucked it back into his coat. "The Jon Stewart
He turned to Geraldo and
Zahn and swept his hand toward the assembled JSIA. "Now ... is this anything?"
And the villains were too
petrified to speak.
Scene 11 : Annie Wan
Steve: (bewildered) The
Jon Stewart Whosawhat?
Kilborn: Agency? What,
like.. a brigade?
Jon: (smiling) I knew he
wouldn't betray me! I knew it! (to Kilborn) It's not a brigade.. a subsection
is a brigade ... but now it's not a brigade anymore. The brigade used to be
the whole site, but they expanded.
Kilborn: Is it.. what is
it? Like your personal army? Like ... some sort of fighting force?
Jon: (snorting) Don't you
think if I had my own ARMY I would have sent THEM here instead of me and Bishop
Boy over there.
Steve: (mad) I thought
you said you didn't LIKE Bishop Boy!
Kilborn: So then what the
hell is it? (looking at the wide array of women, and a few men, standing before
them, arms linked.)
Jon: (shrugging) I don't
know ... it's a bunch of girls that put up a website.
Kilborn: Website for what?!
(shaking his arm, to get Steve off him)
Jon: (shrugging again)
Cause they ... like me? I don't really, I'm not exactly sure ... (looking at
Kilborn) So, let me ask.. if you're not bitter at me, if you're not angry with
me ... why are you here? With Geraldo? And um, might I add, trying to kill me?
Kilborn: It's nothing personal,
Kilborn: No, you don't
understand Jon ... I don't care one way or the other if you die ... I'm just
trying to get my juice back.
Jon: Your.. your juice?
Kilborn: Yes, my juice.
I have juice.
Steve: Oh! What kind?!
Is it apple? I love apple juice!
Kilborn: What the he ...
Jon: (waving him away)
Forget Steve ... how is helping Geraldo kill me going to get you your ... juice
Kilborn: I ... he said
Jon: And you trust him?!
Kilborn: Look Jon, I get
by on my looks and a minimal amount of charm and sarcasm ... my hair.. look
at my hair right now!!! When I got this damn haircut I thought it would be good,
but what did it do?! It killed my juice!!! I killed it! This society is superficial
to the core.. and I know cause I am too.
Jon: So ... explain the
Kilborn: He said he was
making hair products that would give everyone juice.. and that he would give
me the most juice-inducing batch if I helped him ... And by the way, we weren't
going to kill you, we were killing Jewman.
Jon: Oh, well ... you're
just an idiot then.
Kilborn: (nodding) But
I was going to be and idiot with JUICE! Juice is important!
Steve: What in the sam
hell is JUICE!!!!!!
Dave: Well? (straightening
his glasses, chewing on an unlit cigar) Is it something? Or nothing?
Geraldo: It's ... um ...
what's the name again?
Paula: AH! It's an oxymoron!
The Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency! So! Since Jon isn't intelligent.. it's
Geraldo: Yes! You're right
Paula! What's an oxymoron?
Dave: (smirking, winking
at Jon) So it's nothing?
Dave: Why exactly is it
nothing? What was your line of thinking? Or, can you think?
Paula: (thinking, gears
creaking) Well, I said that ... Geraldo, what did I say?
Geraldo: Something about
Paula: YES! I said that
it was the intelligence agency and since Jon had no intelligence, then it's
Dave: And why do you think
Jon has no intelligence? (chewing on his cigar, catching eyes with the leader
of the underground agency, Annie)
Paula: Cause.. he's a comedian
... comedian's aren't smart, they're silly and asinine.
Kilborn: (easy smile) Right,
and journalists are all pillars of integrity and smart as hell, right?
Geraldo: Right! What's
Jon: It's what's beside
your picture in the dictionary under the headline of "Antonyms"
Geraldo: (angry) I don't
know what you just said but I think it was an insult!
Jon: (snarky) You're a
Dave: (smiling) Well, since
they're "nothing" then you won't mind my releasing them, would you?
Geraldo: No, they'll probably
just giggle and fawn over Stewart ...
Kilborn: Hey! Why would
they fawn over Jon and not me?!
Steve: Probably cause they're
called the JON STEWART Intelligence Agency.
Jon: (quiet) You're a smart
Kilborn: (pouting) I just
want to be loved, is that so wrong?!
Dave: Alright girls ...
you are released! (swiping his arm dramatically to release the magnetic field
separating The Agency from the rest.)
(the girls, serious expressions
on their faces, followed their leader, Annie, cautiously.)
Pres. Annie: (authoritative)
Alright ... JSEB, stay with me ... the rest of you ... guard the doors!
(slowly the three boys
scattered to guard the doors, armed with machine guns)
Jon: Only three guys? What,
guys don't like me?
Agent Kelly: No, guys do,
but they're afraid of being thought to be gay.
Jon: (nodding) Ah ...
Agent Kelly: Dude! Kilborn!
SARA!!! (motioning to another agent) Sara, look!
Kilborn: (straitening up)
Agent Sara: Oh, Kilborn..
could you just laugh and stick your tongue out, just this once?
Kilborn: (does so)
Agents Kelly and Sara:
Annie: Agent Kelly! Agent
Agent Kelly: (sighing)
Jon: I thought you guys
were part of MY fanclub.. or.. whatever.. brigade something or other.
Agent Sara: Well, I like
to refer to us as "double agents"
Agent Kelly: Just because
we love you Jon doesn't mean we can't like the Frat Boy too.
Agent Sara: He's not a
frat boy! It's an act cause he's insecure!
Kilborn: What? Act? I'm
not.. I'm not insecu ... okay, I'm a little insecure, but ... what ...
Agent Sara: (to group)
I told you!!!!
Agent Kelly: Okay, but
seriously Sara, we can fawn later ...
Agent Sara: (sighing) Alright
... (smiling at Kilborn)
Agent Kelly: (smiling at
Jon, winking at him)
Jon: (laughing) I guess
we share the same audience.
Kilborn: (taken back by
the praise) Y.. yeah.
Agent Kelly: (grabbing
Agent Sara, dragging her with her) He's so cute in person!
Agent Sara: (walking of
own accord now) I know, Kilborn is so ...
Agent Kelly: I meant Jon
Agent Sara: Right.. Jon
President Annie: (glaring
at the two) I'll bitch slap you later, you realize this right?
Agents Kelly and Sara:
Pres. Annie: Alright! Now
... let's get to it!
Geraldo: Oh Daaaaaaaaave!
Dave: (standing over by
Jon) You didn't actually think I'd abandon you to your death did you?
Jon: Well, for a minute
I did, Dave ...
Dave: (clapping his hand
on Jon's arm) No, son, I wouldn't do that.. I'm just a better actor than you
Geraldo: (exposing his
bomb strapped to his chest) Did we forget something?
Jon: (distraught) Oh Dave!
You brought all these young girls here ... I can't bare the thought of all of
them getting killed cause of me!!! (to the Agency) Leave!! Get out! We can fend
Agent Mel: (smitten) Awwww..
that's so Jon! Putting us before himself ... (taking a running start and charging
Jon) OH Jon, I love you! (tackling him and smattering kisses all over his face)
Agent Kelly: (to Annie)
I told you she'd attack him if he said anything remotely sweet.
Pres. Annie: (holding up
hand) Shhh ... (looking to her left) Agent Nikki? Shall I use it?
Agent Nikki: (thinking)
I don't think you have a choice ...
Pres. Annie: (nodding)
After I use this, Nikki, you have to take over.. I won't have the strength ...
Agent Nikki: (nodding)
I've got it.
Agent Kelly: (whispering)
Is she really gonna do this? Are you sure she can? Have you ever seen her do
Agent Nikki: Oh, she can
do it ...
Agent Mel: Do what?
Pres. Annie: I need silence
Agent Mel: (whispering)
Agent Kelly: Shh, just
Pres. Annie: (catching
eyes with Geraldo, holding gaze) Geraldo, you are a bad man ...
Geraldo: (transfixed) Bad
Jon: What the ... is she
Agent Nikki: (to Jon, authoritative)
Jon: (taken back, shutting
Pres. Annie: You are going
to take off that bomb and diffuse it ...
Geraldo: Take off bomb
... diffuse ...
Pres. Annie: and then you
are going to (walking closer, nearly facing him face to face) hand it to me.
Geraldo: (nodding) Hand
it to you ... (begins taking off bomb)
Dave: What the shit? What
is she doing, some sort of Jedi mind trick?
Agent Kelly: (smiling)
She didn't call herself Annie Wan Kenobe for nothing ...
Agent Mel: OH!
Geraldo: (handing Annie
Pres. Annie: Nikki, Nikki
take it ...
Agent Nikki: Right ...
(grabbing bomb just before Annie slouched to the floor, spent)
Scene 12 : Haikus and Stand Up
Annie lay gasping on the
floor, her energy spent from her mind manipulation, her loyal JSIA members gathered
Annie: And tell my computer
Dana that I love her ...
Kelly: No! You can't die!
Who's gonna pay for the site, dammit!?
Melly: Oh, I am so saddened.
Hold me, Jon! (Melly jumps on Jon who is wading his way through all the girls)
Jon: (patting Melly on
back) There, there, let me see her. (Jon kneels in front of the dying Annie,
grasping her hand in his).
Nikki: Someone get a medical
dictionary! (a few agents scatter, looking for a medical dictionary).
Annie: (smiling weakly
at Jon) Oh ... you are so beautiful. My dear, dear Jon.
Jon: (tearing up) No! You
can't die, Annie. You must maintain my newsletter! You have ambles to write!
Sara: Perhaps a haiku will
save her! She's always loved Jon poetry!
Steve: I'll help, Agent
Sara! It's the least I can do!
Annie: (breathing shallowly)
When I started my site, I had two members, two ... now I have a whole agency
Jon: (snuffling) No, Annie!
Annie: Please Jon, will
you do stand up for me? I've always wanted to see you ... shexy ... (Annie slurs
her words as she slips in and out of consciousness)
Sara: On this day to end
Annie lay dying
Will the agency survive?
Steve: Not bad!
Annie: Leather jacket ...
Jon: What? (looking at
the agents) What does she want?
Kelly: She wants you to
put on your leather jacket and do stand up.
Jon: Oh, but I didn't bring
Craig: (taking his jacket
off) Here, Jon. It's not a petite, but it will do.
Jon: (taking jacket) Thanks,
Craig. You may have a heart after all.
Craig: No, I don't think
so. It's just hot in here, that's all ...
Steve: What is my crime
Altar or Bishop?
The world will never know it.
Steve: Sorry ...
Jon: (slipping on jacket,
which hangs loosely on him, and wiping tears from eyes) Ok, uh ... so I went
to the proctologist once, cause I thought I might have a hemorhoid ...
(Melly and Kelly hold Annie
Jon: (snuffling) And uh
... I had this burning sensation in my ass, and you don't wait to go to the
doctor for something like that.
Melly: Jon! I think your
stand up is making her better! Keep going!!
Sara: Will stand up save
Or our poetry?
Let us gather 'round and see.
Jon: (more enthusiastically
as he sees Annie's getting better) So I go to the doctor and I'm bent over with
my ass in his face, and he takes a look ...
Jon: And says, I DON'T
Kelly: Keep going!! Sphincter
of the month! Do the sphincter of the month!
Jon: You know my stand
up that well?
Melly: We've all seen Unleavened
about a million times, now go!
Jon: (getting into stand
up mode now) And he says it with such accusation, like I'm going to turn around
and say, ha! Made you look up my ass again! Surprise!
Annie: (more moaning)
Steve: On the next we love
Britney proves again,
That she's a "slave" for Justin.
Sara: Steve! Go sit down!
Steve: (sulking) I was
having fun ...
Jon: (pacing and getting
louder) I don't know what I expected him to say, "Magnificent! Nurse, get my
sketch pad! This is going up on my refrigerator. It's sphincter ... "
Kelly and Melly together:
Sphincter of the month!
Jon: (pausing) Do you mind?
Kelly and Melly: Sorry
Annie: Cat ... in heat
Melly: Do the cat in heat
Kelly: It just may save
Jon: Ok. So my wife and
I have this cat ...
Sara: A horny feline
And a hairy Jewish man
Will save our leader.
Steve: (from corner) I
could have done better! Booo!!!
Letterman: Shush! If you're
quiet, I'll let you play with my flukerhuden.
Jon: And every once and
a while it will go into heat, it will climb to the highest part of the apartment
Geraldo: Should I take
Everyone is distracted.
They will not notice.
Kelly: Make the cat in
heat noise, hurry!
Melly: Hurry Jon!
(Kelly and Melly prop Annie
up, her eyes rolling around in her head, her mouth open with a tad of dribble
on her chin)
Jon: (taking deep breath)
JSIA Agents: AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAAAAAA!
Jon: (shocked) Man, you
guys HAVE seen Unleavened one too many times!
Sara: Make the heated noise!
Everyone together now!
And Annie will live!
Jon, Steve, Letterman,
Annie: (opening eyes) What?
What's going on?
Annie: (furrowing brow)
Have you all gone nuts? I thought we ... (sees Jon in oversized leather jacket)
well hello there ...
Gerado: Come my Zahn creature!
Our only chance is to jump into the bay and swim for our lives! You haven't
seen the last of me! My tour of terror will be your dastardly doom! (jumps into
Paula: (in mangled, hair
spray damaged voice) I am just a little bit sexy! (makes zipper noise and jumps
The agents, Jon, Letterman,
Steve and Craig stare out the opening in shock and disgust.
Jon: There it was, your
moment of Zahn ...
Craig: Oh what the hell,
I don't need your morals, your values! My hair comes first! (jumps into bay
Letterman: I may fire that
boy after all. (chews thoughtfully on cigar).
Annie: (standing up) Jon!
You saved my life! How can I ever thank you?
Jon: Ya got a boat?
Annie: Uh ... yeah. That's
how we got here.
Jon: Can the Catholic Kid
and I borrow it? We're going after them ...
Steve: Catholic Kid? That's
kind of catchy,,,
Annie: Of course! (hands
keys to Jon) But be careful, my beloved comic.
(Jon pauses to hug all
the JSIA members)
Kelly to Melly: (after
they got hugs) Was it good for you?
Jon: Thank you for helping
me! I shall await the next newsletter! (He and Steve exit)
Letterman: (looking at
agents and chewing on cigar) How would you kids like to be on my show?
Scene 13 : For Love of Letterman
By Sara J.
Agent Sara, who's dreamed
of being on the Letterman show since she was five, shouted, "Would we?!"
The rest of the agency
laughed. Dave chuckled and patted the little agent on the head. "Well then,
I'll just call Paul and we'll be back in the old Ed Sullivan Theater in no time."
Then Agent Sara remembered
something. She tapped Dave politely on the arm and said, "Dave, Mr. Letterman,
could you do one favor for me?"
"Call me crazy, but could
you not fire Kilby? And, like, just get him back to his stupid show where he
"You're crazy!" the agency
shouted ... all except one.
"You actually like that
guy?" Dave asked Agent Sara. She nodded. "Yeah, sorta."
"Sorta?? You're a double
agent!" Agent Kelly pointed out.
"So! You are, too!" Agent
Sara yelled back. Scattered murmurs throughout the agency. Agent Kelly turned
to them. "Oh, like you didn't know." They all shrugged and nodded.
President Annie stepped
forward. "So it's official ... "
Kelly shrugged. "Not really."
Sara nodded. "Yeah, we
just like to say we are." She turned to Jon. "It's nothing against you, Jon.
It's just ... hell, I don't know!"
Jon just laughed and hugged
her. Of course, he was wearing that leather jacket and he'd just done stand-up,
so there wasn't much Agent Sara, Senator of the On-Stage Stewartlust, could
do besides just stand there otherwise she'd do something she might regret. Might.
Agent Kelly suddenly skipped
up to them. "What about me? I'm a confused and hopeless double agent, too!"
Jon giggled and put and
arm around her, and the three stood in a kinda sorta group hug.
"You know," Sara finally
said, "If you hug us again, you have to hug the rest of the agency again."
So off he went again, hugging
each and every agent ... except the guys, whom he just shook hands with.
"Hey!" Agent Melly spoke
up after the hugfest. "Are we goin' to The Late Show or what?!"
Dave held up a finger,
pressed the button pinned to his tie, and suddenly great music filled the air.
"It's Paul Shaffer and
the CBS Orchestra!" that same voice-over from before announced. "Where is that
coming from?" Agent Kelly asked.
"It's coming from all corners
of the lair," said Agent Morgan, who had been silent until now. "If I didn't
know any better, I'd say it was Alan Kalter ... "
"I just wanna know why
Stephen isn't here!" Agent Courtney said.
"I am here!" Steve told
"I said Stephen," Courtney
replied. "As in Colbert. I have a website about him, ya know. The first and
"Everybody likes him best,"
Steve sulked. Courtney smiled. "I like you too, Steve! I just ... like Stephen
a lot!" Steve brightened. "Oh, okay then!"
When the music came to
a crescendo, Dave walked over to Paul. "I've got a few extra passengers, think
the ol' intersteller thingy can take it?"
Paul looked the agency
over. "A few extra? You've got a fleet, my friend."
"But can we take them back
"Sure, let me just adjust
the settings ... and we're off."
"Great." Dave turned to
the agency. "Gather 'round, kids, we're going back to the show."
Everyone circled around
Paul and the Orchestra as he began to flip the switches.
"Oh, I almost forgot,"
Dave said. "Alan! Get your ass over here unless you wanna live the rest of your
life announcing for the seagulls!"
"It was Alan Kalter!" Morgan
said. "I mean ... it is."
Agent Sara hopped up on
one side of Paul's keyboard. "So this thing is really an interstellar transportation
"You bet," Paul replied.
"So as soon as you flip
the last switch, we're outta here?"
He flipped the last switch
and the whole shebang was transported in a flash of light to the stage at the
Ed Sullivan Theater.
What the ... I didn't know
I had such powers!
Annie: [Waves hands]
I want to give you so much money, Annie.
JSIA: [In unison] I want
to give you so much money, Annie.
Annie: No really, I want
JSIA: [In unison] No really,
I want to.
Annie: And I'll get that
to you in unmarked, nonsequential bills by tomorrow.
JSIA: [In unison] And I'll
get that to you in unmarked, nonsequential bills by tomorrow.
JSIA: [In unison]: Eeeexcellent.
Annie: Oops. Forgot to
turn it off.
JSIA: [In unison]: Oops.
Forgot to turn it off.
Annie: Damn it!
Scene 14: Enter Smarmy
[the JSIA have left the
Hairaldo Lair and been interstellarly transported to the David Letterman studio's]
Jon: (smiling, wiping a
tear from his eye)
Steve: Oh, Jon! (hugging
him) What's wrong? Why are you crying?
Jon: (valiantly reacquiring
his stiff upper lip) No, nothing, it's just ... touching is all.
Steve: (nodding) That all
those girls, and the dude, the ... dudes ... came and risked their lives for
Jon: (nodding, sniffing
hard once, tears stopped) Yeah ...
Steve: (nodding) Yeah,
that is touching ... but why don't I have that? Why do people always like Stephen
Jonny? (tearing up)
Jon: (hugging Steve) Steve!
I like you! I like you allot, I'm very fond of you!
Steve: (wiping tears) I
Jon: (swinging arm around
Steve and walking towards exit) Else why would I include you in my ... what
did Lew call it? Hijinx?
Steve: (giggling) Lewis
is so funny.
Jon: (nodding, laughing)
He is that, my friend ... he is that.
Down there in the ocean
Kilborn: (screaming) Geraldo
Geraldo: (laughing from
inside the boat with The Zahn) Are you kidding me?! You just flipped sides on
me! You went to the dark side!
Zahn: (tapping Geraldo)
I think we're the dark side.
Geraldo: Right ... then,
you just went to the light side!!!
Kilborn: Actually I'm in
Permanent Press ... forget it. (hanging onto edge of boat) Come ON, Geraldo!!!
I was.. I was playing.. yeah, that's the ticket, I was joking!!! Joking!!!
Geraldo: (maniacal laugh)
Well, you can joke and choke at the same time, my traitorous sidekick! (gunning
engine on boat ... if that's possible) Good bye!!!!!!
(the boat takes off, kicking
water in Kilborn's face, making him choke and gasp for air)
Kilborn: (hearing a powerful
boat engine) Ah, thank god, he was playing a sick joke on me! (turning to see
a rather large boat coming his way) That's not Geraldo ...
Jon: (stopping at Kilborn)
Well, well.. if it isn't Fickle Frederick!
Steve: (confused) Frederick?
I thought your name was Craig.
Kilborn: (rolling eyes,
trying to grab something on the boat to keep himself afloat) It is! You imbecile!!!!!
Steve: Jon, Craig's being
mean to me!
Jon: (laughing) Kilborn,
I wouldn't be mean to Steve, it looks to me like your God of Hair has left you
to fend for yourself.
Kilborn: (pleading) Jon,
help me ... help me! I can't swim from here to the mainland! And look at my
Jon: (reaching out hand
to Craig, but not pulling him up) How can I trust you after I just saw you flip
sides twice in a half hour?
Kilborn: Jon, help me up!
I'll be indebted to you! Geraldo was just a fling! It was a mutually beneficial
relationship! You'll be saving my life!
Jon: (pulling Craig up)
Damn me and my damn conscience.
Steve: (pounding Craig
on his back)
Kilborn: (breathing heavy)
Jon, I don't know how to thank you ...
Jon: (thinking) I do ...
help me take down Geraldo.
Kilborn: Okay ... Okay.
Steve: Jon! (taking Jon
over to the other side of the boat while Craig gets himself a Martini) Jon,
how the hell can you trust him after you saw how quickly he switches sides?
Jon: (smiling, clapping
a hand on Steve's back) I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.
Steve: (dubious) Okay,
Jon: Jon Corleone! I like
Kilborn: (walking up with
two other Martini's) Here, I made you this ... not that it makes up for.. or
in any way repays you for ...
Steve: (licking lips, taking
Martini) Mmm, Olives! Stevo's hungry!
Jon: (smiling, taking Martini
and setting it down) I appreciate the gesture, Craig.
Jon: However, we must concentrate
now on getting Geraldo.. drinking can come later ... besides, I'm a Bud man,
not a Martini Man.
Steve: (smiling at Jon)
Can I ...
Jon: (rolls eyes) Here
Steve ... (hands him his olives)
Kilborn: So.. do you have
Jon: (shakes his head)
No we have to wait for L ... Blackbird to call us and give us his location..
Kilborn: Lew?! Oh, I miss
Lew. He always got me going.
Jon: (nodding) He's a funny
Kilborn: There are certain
things I do miss ... he's one of them.
Jon: (putting his hand
on Craig's shoulder) You understand I don't fully trust you.
Kilborn: Hey, I'm the first
to admit I'm wishy washy.
Jon: (nodding) So, here's
what I'm going to do ...
Kilborn: (sitting down)
Jon: (sitting next to him)
I'm gonna get you your juice back, as best I can.
Kilborn: (perking up) Really?!
How.. how would you be able to do that?!
Jon: Well, off the top
of my head, I don't know. But I do know that maybe my coming on your show would
help.. and you coming on mine.
Kilborn: Oh, I'd like that
Jon: And ... I don't know
... we'll think of something.. but ... so, now you'll be faithful to ME and
not Geraldo? Cause Craig, this society IS superficial on the surface ... but
really and truly, I'm not that cynical.. Craig, character does count.. if Character
didn't count, I would be nothing. I'm not the most handsome man ...
Steve: Jon, you're handsome!
Jon: But not as handsome
Steve: I disagree! I think
if you asked those girls back there who was handsomer they'd say you Jon.
Kilborn: He's right.
Jon: Except for the Kelly
and Sara girls.
Kilborn: Really? I got
the impression that Kelly liked you more, and just found me.. amusing.
Jon: (shrugging) Either
way.. that's not the point. The point is ...
Kilborn: (nibbling on his
olives, much to Steve's disappointment) What's the point?
Jon: The point is that
character counts more than looks, at least in my book ...
Kilborn: (nodding) Maybe
... I guess.
Jon: (nodding) It does..
and here's what I'm going to do.. I'm gonna use whatever juice I might have
to get people to see YOUR character ...
Kilborn: But what if I
don't have character?
Jon: (laughing) Craig,
you have it, you just have to find it!
(something crackles in
Steve: Jon! Blackbird!
Jon: (racing to walkie
talkie) Blackbird, this is Jewman ...
Steve: Hey, what's his
Blackbird: Jewass, what
are you doing?! Get your butt in high gear and get this corrupt guy under your
Blackbird: Who is that?!
I know that laugh!
Kilborn: Uh.. it's me Lew,
Kilborn: Yeah ...
Blackbird: (silence) Your
nickname is Smarm Man, and only call me Blackbird.
Kilborn: (laughing) Alright.
Blackbird: How are you
C ... Smarmy?
Kilborn: I'm ... I'm getting
Blackbird: Jewboy ...
Jon: God Blackbird! Is
it so hard?! JEW MAN ... MAN!!!
Blackbird: Whatever! Is
Smarmy over there a prisoner, or is he ...
Jon: He's with us now.
Blackbird: (sighing) Well,
I like him enough, but ... how can you trust him? I mean, he was working WITH
Jon: (smiling) He's got
a stake in this now.. don't worry about it.
Blackbird: Alright.. how's
Steve: I thought of one!
Steve: Come on Lew!
Blackbird: Blackbird, you
insolent fool! Jewman, Jewman, forget the pleasantries, Geraldo is headed ...
By Sara J.
" ... straight for Times
Square. No word on what he plans on, but whatever it is, I'm sure he'll be out
there covering the aftermath with his usual sensationalist spin."
"Speaking of spinning ...
" Steve said, looking a little woozy, "When is all this water gonna be over?"
He hiccupped and fell slightly
"Oh, no you don't," Kilborn
said, turning Steve toward the ocean. "It's bad enough I'm covered in sand,
saltwater and seaweed. Let's not add Steve Carell's breakfast to that list,
"You're sure it's Times
Square, Lew--dammit ... Blackbird?" Jon asked.
"Yes, I'm sure! For the
love of god, Jon, just call me Lewis, everyone already knows anyway!"
"And wipe that stupid grin
off your face."
Jon promptly did so, wondering
how Lewis knew ... nevermind. "Okay, then. Over." He clicked off the walkie
talkie and turned around, standing tall. "Set course for Times Square!"
"Who are you talking to?"
Craig asked, holding Steve halfway overboard by his shirt.
"Uh ... my faithful obedient
Craig smirked. "Right,
Jon. Give up on that dream."
Jon shrugged, then when
he realized what Craig was doing, raced over.
"Oh, I rescue you and you
repay me by trying to drown one of my best friends?! I knew I couldn't trust
you!" Jon yelled, grabbing Steve's shirt and yanking him back over.
"No buts! I can't believe
you would ... "
He trailed off when he
realized the front of his shirt was suddenly wet ... and ... warm.
"Seasick," Steve said.
"He was holding me so I--"
"Yeah, yeah ... I get it.
Sorry Steve," Jon said, letting him go.
"Not 'sorry Steve' ...
" Steve said, motioning toward a snickering Kilborn, tongue between his teeth.
"Oh, right ... uh ... sorry,
Craig. I shouldn't have ... "
He held out his hand, but
Craig stepped back. "Hey, apology accepted. This isn't a business deal."
Jon wiped his hand on Steve's
shirt and went to the front of the boat.
"Okay, so ... anyone know
how to steer this thing?"
End of Part One ...
Added August 18, 2002.
Compiled by Kelly.