Jon Stewart blue pic
 

 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB

 


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The Fan Files
 Fun Fiction

 

The Adventures of Jewman and Robin
Started May 11, 2002
by The JBB

By day he's a successful comedian and host of the Daily Show, but by night he's ... Jewman! With his faithful sidekick, Robin (Steve Carell), The Manly Wonder, these two battle to keep the airwaves free of all sensationalism, over-commercialism, and BS in general.

Scene 1- The Daily Show Studios, Thursday morning
By Melly

(Jon is rehearsing for tonight's show at the desk in his office)

Jon: Let's do some damn headlines! Let's do some headlines, damn IT! Let US do some headlines ... oh f**k it.

(Steve enters with a worried look on his face)

Steve: Jon, Geraldo is on FOX again. I think he's in the midst of some diabolical plan! Should we put the smack down?

Jon: (rising from his desk to hold Steve) Shhh, my faithful friend. We can only wait for the commissioner to call. Only he can summon our services.

Steve: Well, I put an extra pair of tights in my back pocket just in case. Here, I brought an extra mask for you. They were on sale at the costume store.

Jon: (grabbing the mask out of Steve's hand) Dammit, Steve, don't go waving that around! You could blow our whole cover and unmask Jewman forever!

Steve: (looking sad) Gee, I'm sorry, Jon. I just wanted to help. Don't you like this mask? Look, it's hand beaded. It'll go nicely with those new boots you got.

Jon: (looking at mask) Oh hey, it will! And I just ordered a new leotard that should match perfectly. (Jon puts the mask down on the desk) But you must be careful, my Sancho. Years ago when my dog was stolen, I ran out into the night to look for him. It was dark, and rainy. The rain was cold and chilled my soul. In my despair, I tripped and fell into the sewer and as I wiped the icy rain from my brow, I saw it ... the image that would change my life forever.

Steve: What was it, Jon?

Jon: A day-old falafel. From that night on, I knew I must fight sensationalism to avenge my stolen puppy. From that night on, I knew it would be up to me and me alone to strike fear into the hearts of all who dared make a big deal out of something. From that night on, I was to be ... Jewman.

Steve: (looking at Jon with awe) You're my hero, Jonny! I shall always follow wherever you lead!

(Steve and Jon exchange a tender look as Stephen Colbert and Nancy Walls enter Jon's office)

Stephen: Jon! We need to speak with you.

Jon: (hurrying to hide his Jewman mask) Why Stephen! I uh ... dammit, I am NOT Jewman! Stop hounding me!

Nancy: (giving Jon a weird look) Yeah ... um, we came in to tell you that Geraldo has launched his own line of hair products. We think it will make a good opening for tonight's show.

Stephen: Man, when will that guy give it a rest? He's so sensationalistic!

(Jon and Steve exchange a slow look)

Jon: Did you say ... sensationalism?

Nancy: (going up to Steve) Steve! Why are these tights in your back pocket? Have you been stealing from my lingerie drawer again, honey?

Steve: Uh ... you have to leave. Jon and I need to talk ... you have to leave.

Stephen: Jon, don't you want to come to the conference room and write jokes about Geraldo?

Jon: (trying to inconspicuously slip on a black, beaded glove) Um ... you go on without us ... Steve and I will be along in a few hours.

Nancy: A few HOURS? Jon, rehearsal is in an hour and Steve, you have to pick our daughter up from daycare!

Steve: (nonchalantly slipping one toe into his tights) Uh, Matt Walsh will do it for me. We'll be along, you won't miss us ... bye!

(Jon and Steve usher Stephen and Nancy out of the room and slam the door)

Steve: I knew Geraldo was up to his dastardly deeds! We must destroy his line of mousse!

Jon: The commissioner must know about this! Steve, TO THE JEW CAVE!

(the two open a trap door under Jon's desk. Inside are two poles that lead to a system of old subway tunnels underneath the city. Jon slides down first)

Jon: Hurry up, friend of friends! Every minute we stay here is another minute Geraldo is free to manufacture his horrid hairspray!

Steve: (still fiddling with the tights) I'm coming! DAMN THESE TIGHTS!

(Steve follows Jon down the poles and the trap door closes behind them)

Scene 2: In the depths of the Jew Cave
By Kelly

(actually located in the seldom used basement rung of the TDS Studio's parking garage)

Steve: (letting out a sigh) The Jewmobile ... I love the Jewmobile.

Jon: (nodding) And it's aerodynamic too!

Steve: (caressing car) Yeah, the '69 Camaro is the best. Nance likes the newer ones, but I like the style of the older ones better ...

Jon: (picking at a chipped piece of paint) I really need to get it painted though. I want something cool ... some sort of wicked paint job ...

Steve: (shaking head) But then they might catch onto us!

Jon: (sighing) The price of being Jewman ... I can't have a cool paintjob.

(the radio on the dashboard of the beaten up Camaro fizzled and crackled)

Radio: Jewman! Blackbird to Jewman and Robin!

Steve: (sighing) I don't like the nickname Robin! Why do you get the cool name?!

Jon: (rolling eyes) Steve, not now! Yes Blackbird?

Blackbird: He's at it again. He's coming up with a whole line of ...

Jon: (nodding) Yes, Lewis, we know.. a whole line of hair products.

Blackbird: Jewman! ONLY NICKNAMES! No one can know that I, Lewis Black, am involved with your hijinks!

Steve: (confused) Hijinks? Lew ... er, Blackbird I mean ... (eyes lighting up with an idea) how bout Blackey?!

Blackbird: (disgruntled moan) Blackbird, dammit.

Steve: (sighing) Alright, fine.. Blackbird, why hijinks? We save the public from the corruptions of over sensationalistic journalists! There is no task nobler ... (aside, to self) Is nobler a word?

Blackbird: Yes, it is noble! But I'm a comedian who's made my name being a ranting lunatic! I can't go around having people think I'm some sort of pansy do-gooder.

Jon: (rolling eyes again) Enough! What shall we do Blackbird? We're in the Jewmobile ...

Blackbird: Why don't you call a spade a spade? It's a piece of shit Camaro, Jewboy!

Steve: (light bulb over his head) Hey! Why don't I be Jewboy! You're Jewman, and I'm Jewboy!!!!!

(something akin to sobbing coming through on radio)

Jon: (rolling his eyes, thinking to himself if he rolls them one more time he'll have a brain hemorrhage) Steve, fine.. but you're not Jewish.

Blackbird: How bout Altarboy?

Steve: (thinking) I'll have to ponder this.

Jon: (heavy sigh) Ponder later!! We have a situation to absolve!

Blackbird: (authoritative) Get thee over to Geraldo headquarters and destroy those hair products sprung from the loins of Geraldo!

Steve: (giggling) Sprung from the loins.. you make it sound like it's ...

Jon: (trying not to laugh, failing miserably) No jokes! Now is not the time to joke!

Blackbird: You sicken me, the both of you.

Jon: (giggling at the thought of how red Lewis' face probably was now from anger) Alright, enough ... Steve, er.. I mean ... what did you want to go by?

Steve: I'm still mulling.

Jon: (nodding, getting into car) Well, Mullboy, get in the damn car!

Blackbird: Get it done boys.. I have faith in ya.

Jon: (smiling) Thanks, that means a ...

(radio fizzles out)

Jon: (sighing) Allot.. he never accepts the love.

(Jon puts the Camaro in drive and waits for the traffic to let up)

Jon: Oh why oh why can't the Jewmobile have wings like the Batmobile?!

Steve: Perhaps cause we're not in Gotham City? (giggling)

Jon: Shut up.

(finally, the traffic slows enough to let Jon out of the Jew Cave)

Steve: Jon?

Jon: (sighing) When in the Jewmobile, I am Jewman!

Steve: (rolling eyes) Alright, Jewman, can I ask you a question?

Jon: Alright, if you must. (beeping horn) Come on! PICK A LANE!

Steve: Why would a falafel change your whole life?

Jon: (thinking) Well.. maybe it wasn't the falafel ... but I remember there being a falafel there the day my life changed so.. ya know.. Pavlovian association.

Steve: (nodding) Okay ... (to self) Mental note.. who the hell is Pavlov?

Scene Three: Geraldo Headquarters, That same morning ...
By Melly

(Geraldo has taken over the Statue of Liberty's head and turned it into a giant hair product manufacturing plant. Bottles and bottles of mousse, gel, hairspray and dandruff shampoo are being churned out and packaged to be sent all over the word).

Geraldo: (rubbing hands together Mr. Burns style) Now that my tour of terror is over, I must find some way to keep myself in the nation's eye. Soon, men and women alike will be fighting each other at stores all over America to have soft, wavy hair like mine. Mwa hahahahaha!

(Craig Kilborn, Geraldo's number two man, enters)

Craig: The preparations have been made, my master. When Jewman and his refreshingly spunky little sidekick find this place, they'll regret the day they ever donned those silly tights!

Geraldo: Excellent! And the tub of boiling hairspray?

Craig: It's heating up, sir. But once it comes to a full, rolling boil, anything dipped in it shall instantly be frozen in place! And with a shiny, soft touch.

Geraldo: You have done well, my manservant. You shall be rewarded with four cases of my special gel, sprung from my very loins ...

Craig: Only four, sir? Look, do you have ANY idea how hard it is to get hairspray to boil without it curdling? And I looked EVERYWHERE for a vat big enough to dip two people in, I finally had to steal Marlon Brando's bathtub.

Geraldo: Insolent fool! You dare to question me? Why, when I found you, you were nothing. A shell of a man living on the beach with a disfigured talk show host and her faithful band of midgets. I got you out of there! I made you a man! I let you work for free hair products!

Craig: (patting his 'do) Yes, thank you sir, o healer of split ends.

Geraldo: Now go pick up your four cases of my "special" gel and go watch for Jewman!

Craig: Yessir! Right away sir! (Craig scurries off, as Geraldo confirms his booking on The Today Show to debut his new line of hair products).

~*~*~*~

MEANWHILE ...

(Steve and Jon are stuck in traffic in the Jewmobile. Their costumes and car are getting them many odd looks)

Jon: Dammit, these tights are riding up.

Steve: We have to work on these costumes. Whose idea was it to wear tights, leotards and beaded masks?

Jon: (thinking) Dammit, it was Lewis! I'll get that, sonofa ...

(just then a clicking from the radio cuts him off)

Jon: What do you want, blackheart?

Lewis: That's blackbird, you dumbass! Geraldo is using the Statue of Liberty as his headquarters! You must go there and torch the place,

Steve: Torch the place? Lewis, we can't destroy the Statue of Liberty!

Lewis: (pause) Well hey, it's not my problem. Blackbird out.

Jon: Dammit, the flippers for the Jewmobile are on backorder. We'll have to take the ferry.

Steve: Jon ...

Jon: Jewman!

Steve: Jewman, heroic crime fighters shouldn't have to take ferries. I thought you said we were gonna be special and have all kinds of nifty toys! You promised!

Jon: Shutup Jewboy, here comes someone.

(a girl walks up to the Jewmobile which is still stuck in traffic)

Girl: Hi there, sexy.

Steve: Hi!

Jon: (smacks Steve) I believe she was talking to me, Jewass! Hello young lady, I am Jewman! Fighter of sensationalism, friend to all! (honks horn) Come on, you prick, I have to take a piss!

Girl: Oh Jewman, I've always had a thing for yiddish men.

Steve: That's it! Yiddish boy!

Jon: Not now, Steve! (turning back to young girl) Well, you know what they say about Jewish men ...

Girl: (twirling hair around finger) Oh, what's that?

Jon: (whispering) We'll make you scream oy vey ... (winks at girl, she giggles)

Steve: Yid the kid! That's it! Yid the kid!

Jon: (rolling eyes) You'll have to excuse my retarded friend here, I was just taking him to the institution ... but afterwards I'd love to swing by your place and we can ...

(Lewis' voice comes out of the radio again)

Lewis: What in the name of God are you two pussies doing?? Geraldo is getting ready to ship to Wal Mart!

(at the sound of Lewis' angry voice, the young girl runs off, frightened)

Jon: (grabbing radio) Dammit Lewis, I almost scored!

Lewis: How many times do I have to CRAM it into your head?? I am the black FREAKIN' BIRD!

Steve: (leaning over to talk into the radio) And I am Yid the Kid! Would you like a bagel?

Lewis: Oh go screw yourself, Steve. Jewman, since you can't get more than a block from the studio, we're sending you a ride.

Jon: Roger that, Blackbird! (Jon looks up just as a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Hovering above them, a ladder is dropped)

Lewis: Good luck you nancy boys. Don't let those tights ride up TOO much. (lewis giggles to himself)

Jon: (climbing up the ladder) Dammit, I am going to get him one of these days.

Steve: (behind Jon on ladder) You say dammit a lot. And I can see your package!

(Jon covers himself with his cape as he and Steve get into the helicopter and head to the Statue of Liberty)

Scene 4 : Hair-aldo's lair
By Kelly

(Kilborn is standing on the observation deck of the Statue of Liberty)

Kilborn: (to self) I'm so sick and tired of being the bridesmaid and never the bride! I shall be the bride this time around! I SHALL! The Journassassin (gotta throw a Conanism in there) doesn't know it yet, but this is my turn ... this is MY TURN to shine in the light!

(Elsewhere)

Geraldo: (in mirror, hairbrush to mouth) Hairaldo Rivera, Fox Nuse ... Noose ... News! News ... (clearing throat) That's right Shepard, today, on the day to beat all days of days, in the heartland of Christianity, a horrific, DASTARDLY deed was committed amongst my people ... the jewish people ... the chosen people ... uh ... .. the Israeli's.. yeah, the Israeli's ... by the horrid and dassssstardly group of Hamaas.. a Palestinian group controlled by none other than Yasssssir Arafat.

(Kilborn enters)

Geraldo: (continuing) The blood spattered on the walls like a scene out of a Quenten Tarantino-esque horror movie, I smelled the air. Freshly deposited excrement coated the walls and I was thrown back by the shear magnitude of the ghastly conduct of the horrid mongrels that committed this atrocity ...

(Kilborn rolled his eyes, clearing his throat)

Geraldo: (quickly reverting to brushing his hair) Yes Kilborn? Didn't I tell you to keep a watchful eye for Jewman and his well built sidekick?

Kilborn: (discreetly rolling eyes ... the man was SUCH a jagoff) Yes you did.. But Geraldo, incase you've forgotten ... (smiling and leaning in close) We're surrounded by nothing but water ... we'll see them, trust me!

Geraldo: But what if they should have some sort of horrid and dastardly underwater ... . thingimajigger?

Kilborn: (biting back a snort) They will not have a thingimajigger.

Geraldo: (affixing his red bandana around his neck in a boyscout-ish fashion) Alright, but should they sneak in some back way ...

Kilborn: (laughing) Raldo, the only way to get in here is to climb up a whoooooooole lotta stairs.. so, unless they somehow have access to some sort of aircraft, we'll see them come through the door. Which, by the way, is where I've set the vat of hairspray.

Geraldo: (smiling) Eeeeeeexcellent. Eeeexcellent.

Kilborn: (rolling eyes, incredibly ironic tone) Indeeed Smithers ... (to self) Jackass.

Warning: The above parody of Geraldo is, in fact, not even a parody.. he actually talks like that.. you're talking to a Fox News Channel viewer. I know ... scary. Geraldo is the epitome of sensationalistic journalism

~*~*~*~

The Helicopter

(Jon is sitting with his hands over his face)

Steve: (excited) Would you like smear on your bagel?

Jon: (exasperated) It's SCHMEAR!! You dolt!

Steve: That's what I said.. smear.

Jon: (about to strangle Carell) SCHMEAR! Shhh ... mere!

Steve: Did you just beckon me?

Jon: (holding temples) No, I said Shhhh mere, not c'mere ... Shhh mere! SCHMEAR! Forget it!!!!!! STEVE! You're not JEWISH!

Steve: (nodding) I know! But I like your words!

Jon: (trying to control anger) Well, Steve, when you learn how to say schmegheggi, come talk to me.

Steve: (quiet) Smegeegy ... Shmacky ... nooo

Jon: (shaking head, moaning) God noooooo ... .

Pilot: Scuse me, sirs?

Jon: (head popping up) Yessir?

Pilot: By the way, I too love the Yiddish words ... but I know I can't say them, so I don't try.

Jon: (laughing) Thank you ... it's maddening. Like a dog trying to meow. (looking at Steve) Stop trying! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Pilot: We've arrived at our destination

Steve: (looking at the Statue of Liberty) Ohhh, she's so pretty ...

Jon: (nodding) Indeed it is.

Pilot: (turning to face them) Good luck Jewman ... the country is counting on you.

Jon: (quietly) No pressure or anything huh?!

Pilot: What's that?

Jon: (smiling) Nothing ... Thanks!

Steve: Oh Jonny! Look it!

Jon: What?

Steve: (near tears) The torch ... always burning ...

Jon: (smiling nostalgically) No.. no, we musn't Steve ... no time for maudlin thoughts.

Pilot: Sirs, when you need me just send the signal.

Jon: (nodding) Righto ... (looking for way off the copter that didn't involve plunging to his death.) The ladder?

Pilot: Oh right! Yeah, I'll lower it.

Steve: (clutching to Jon's back) Jonny, don't let me die.

Jon: (deep breath) No one dies on Jewman's watch.

(they start their trek down the ladder)

Steve: I GOT IT!

Jon: What?!

Steve: Christianman!

Jon: (rolling his eyes) Too long ...

Steve: DAMNIT!

Scene 5: Smash of the Titans
By Melly

(Jon and Steve land on top of the Statue of Liberty)

Steve: (rubbing bottom) Lady Liberty sure has a hard head. So Jon, do you REALLY not like Yid the Kid?

Jon: (rolling eyes) She's not the only one with a hard head. Come, my ally and let us defeat our foes! Release the Jew drill!

(the helicopter pilot releases the Jew Drill, which lands with a thud, near Jon and Steve's beaded black boot-clad feet)

Steve: Jon! Do you mean we must drill a hole through this sacred monument's head in order to surprise our enemies?

Jon: (pulling the engine string on the engine powered drill) Yep! Hey, tribes in Africa drill holes in their head all the time! They say it opens up a third eye, she'll thank us for it in the end. OW! I pulled a hamstring! Takeover for me, I'm gonna go rub my tootsies.

Steve: (sighing as he resumes pulling on the cord) How about Bishop Boy?

Jon: (sitting down on edge of crown and removing his boots) Too high ranking.

(the Jew drill leaps to life as Steve succeeds in getting the motor started)

Steve: (yelling above the roar of the motor) I think it's working!!

Jon: (also yelling) Drill my GI Jesus! Drill! Drill our way to freedom of sensationalism!

(Steve slowly drills hole in the Statue of Liberty's head while Jon gives himself a foot massage and congratulates himself on choosing a sidekick as dumb as Steve who will do all the work for him)

~*~*~*~

Meanwhile ... Below in the Lair of Hair

(Geraldo is frantically running about while plaster falls from the ceiling due to the drilling above)

Geraldo: Craig! Jewman and his dastardly sidekick are drilling a dastardly hole into this, this symbol of American values. Oh what a horror I am experiencing here today, folks. Excrement is ...

Craig: (entering) Yes, you dimwitted prick?

Geraldo: What did you say?!?

Craig: Uh ... I got here quick!

Geraldo: Craig, my dastardly thug, Jewman is drilling his way in here! You must ready my mousse!

Craig: (laughing) You wacked sonofabitch! When did you get a moose? Where are you hiding it? (Craig looks around the lair)

Geraldo: (rolling eyes) My hair mousse you overgrown frat boy! You know, the special kind we made that one night we got drunk and tried to make our own crack?

Craig: Oh! Right, THAT mousse. The kind that will ... when you spray it on people?

Geraldo: Yes! That! Fetch it, my minion and together we shall destroy Jewman and banish him into that desert in the sky!

Craig: Riiiight (scurries off while simultaneously spinning a finger near his head to make the "crazy" sign).

Geraldo: (looking toward ceiling) Jewman, my foe, my Tour of Terror may have ended, but yours has just begun! Mwa hahahahahaha!

(fade out)

Scene 6: The Statue of Liberty
By Kelly

(Jon, still rubbing his feet, rehearsing for his next stand up gig)

Jon: Don't eat pork? Who came up with that rule? Is that just pigs trying to trick us?

Steve: (rolling eyes) Jon, didn't you use that on Unleavened?

Jon: (thinking) Um ... did I?

Steve: (standing up) Jon ... (sweet tone) Jonny, you're a funny, funny man, and I love you, I do ... but ... (loosing it) GET SOME NEW MATERIAL!

Jon: (hurt) Steve ...

Steve: (shaking head) Jon, I'm sorry ... but.. but.. you're still doing the same show as you did in '96!

Jon: (thinking for a moment) Am I?

Steve: (letting the Jew drill drop from his hands and looking at the blisters on his hand) Yes, you are. Jon, look ... you're so funny, why do you need to resort to 6 year old material?

Jon: (hanging head) But.. but I know those get laughs so ...

Steve: Jon, YOU get laughs.. the jokes are fine, but it's YOU they love.

Jon: (smiling) Thanks. (standing) Any luck?

Steve: (angry) LUCK?! Jon! We're trying to DRILL A HOLE into the Statue of LIBERTY! I can't tell you 1) how wrong that is, and 2) how IMPOSSIBLE that is!!!! It's METAL!

Jon: (nodding) You're probably right. We should just use that door over there.

Steve: (trying to control the anger) D ... d ... door?

Jon: (timid smile) Sorry, I just now saw it.

Steve: (nearly a thermo nuclear meltdown) Jon, I swear to God, if I didn't have these blisters ...

Jon: (smiling, putting a hand on Steve's shoulder, leading him to door) Stevo! I'm sorry! I JUST saw it! Here, come on ...

Steve: (shaking head) But.. I ... the drill.. my hands ... blisters.. Nancy doesn't like calluses!

Jon: (cringing) Yeah, sorry, but listen, I have this fabulous hand cream ...

Steve: (sighing) Okay, I'll bitch later.. but now ...

Jon: (nodding) Right, we have fiends to defeat!

Steve: (excited) The Shephard!

Jon: (confused) Shephard?

Steve: (nodding excitedly) Jewman and the Shephard!

Jon: (getting an idea) Hey! How about the Pontiff!

Steve: (cocking head to side) The Pontiff?

Jon: (nodding) Yeah yeah! It's what you call the head of the Roman Catholic church. A bishop.

Steve: Bishop Boy!

Jon: (shaking head) I don't LIKE that one!

Steve: (pouting) Well, I don't LIKE Pontiff!

Jon: You just don't like Pontiff because you didn't know what it meant!

Steve: (growling) You're Jewish! Why do you know more about my religion than me?!?!?!

Jon: (entering door) Cause I've been doing the same routine for six years ...

~*~*~*~

Hairaldo's Lab

Geraldo: (sitting in chair, giggling at the thought of defeating Jewman and his yet to be named sidekick) I will get you, my foe, I will get you and your pretty little cohort too!

Craig: (practicing in front of mirror) And now, your host, Craig Kill-burn! Killbourn ... Kilbyborny ... Kilbijorn ...

Geraldo: (glaring at him) Hey Craig Kill Joy! Will you stop your yapping?!

Craig: (glowering back) I don't know Geraldo, will you stop your pontificating in your little gay red neckerchief?!

Geraldo: (listening intently) Shh!!! I hear steps!!! I HEAR STEPS!!

Craig: (rolling eyes) Great, (to self) tells me to shh, and then yells ... good one, Obie Wan.

[the two turned to watch the door where Craig had positioned the boiling vat of hairspray]

Geraldo: (clapping hands) Oh, I can't wait, I can't wait ...

Scene 7: Bad Hair-aldo Day
By Melly

(When we last left off, our caped crusaders were headed for a vat of boiling hairspray while Geraldo waited with masturbatorial glee! What shall become of our heroic heroes??)

Geraldo: (squealing) Oh this is gonna be good! Craig! Fetch my new digital camcorder, so I can show this all to mummy.

Craig: (mocking Geraldo) Fetch my camcorder, show this to mummy, where's my asscott? I am SUCH a fairy! (Craig lumbers off to find Geraldo's camcorder)

Geraldo: (jumping up and down in his chair as the doorknob turns) Oh boy! Oh boy! Come on Jewman, only another step ... Oh, I need popcorn for this ... and a beer! (Geraldo takes out some popcorn and a beer as Craig re-enters with his camera)

Craig: Here, ass.

Geraldo: (munching on popcorn) Oh Craiggers, you'll have to find my tripod, so it won't come out all shaky, you know that makes mummy sick. She'll punish me!

Craig: (pushed to the limit) Find my tripod! Mummy will punish me! Ya know what? (throws down camera, smashing it into pieces) I have had it up to here! (Craig, teary eyed, puts his hand up top his forehead), and frankly, I don't think I like you anymore!

Geraldo: (getting up and embracing Craig) Sweetie, honey, am I treating you badly?

Craig: (blubbering) YES! You're so mean! Why do you have to be so mean? (sobs)

Geraldo: Oh, Craiggers, my cutie ... (Geraldo and Craig lock themselves into a loving embrace as Jon and Steve open the door)

Jon: I think we found our new headline for next week, my catholic cohort.

Steve: (giggling) You guys are a couple of real homos, you know that?

Craig: (blowing his nose on Geraldo's sleeve) Yeah, well at least I'm not wearing tights, you closeted butt swine.

Steve: (more giggling) That was funny. Insult us again.

Geraldo: We'd love to! Why don't you ... come on in and have a beer first?

Jon: (laughing) What kind of fool do you take me for? I can see that vat of boiling hairspray as plain as the nose on my face!

Craig: (sarcastically) That plain, huh? Well that's pretty damn plain, cause YOU, my predecessor have a big honker.

Jon: I know Craig, thank you.

Craig:Your nostrils are the size of J Lo's ass cheeks.

Jon: Yes, that's enough, Craig.

Craig: I mean, let's face it, you blow your nose and it's a blackout in New York ...

Jon: Enough! Craig, I thought we dealt with you last time, but I promise you you have harvested your last batch of special gel from the loins of that sensationalized freak.

Steve: (laughing and punching Jon playfully in the arm) Oh man, that's a good one, Jon ... that sounds like ...

Jon: I know, Steve. Shut up now.

Steve: You used my name, you ass! Well thanks a lot, un-freaking believable! I guess it's goodbye safety for me, Nancy and the baby! That's ok, I don't mind evil villains knocking down my door to massacre my family in their sleep, NO PROBLEM!

Jon: (giggling) Oh, I did use your name, huh? Sorry! I just have to get the hang of this.

Steve: (casually) Maybe we should practice at the studio.

Jon: (upset) You just said studio! Now they (points at Geraldo and Craig) know we work for a TV show, good going, Carell!

Steve: (angered) Now you used my last name! You used my last name, JON! JON STEWART! JONATHAN STUART LEIBOWITZ!

Jon: (shouting) Oh that's it, mister, no more Produce Pete segments for you!

Steve: (yelling) GOOD! I HATED playing that nerdy numb nut anyway!

Jon: YOU'RE the one who came up with him!

Steve: YOU'RE the one with numb nuts!

(As Jon and Steve continue to argue, Geraldo taps Craig on the shoulder and gestures to Paula Zahn, who was sunning herself on the Statue's crown when she noticed Jon and Steve land. As Jon and Steve start smacking at each other like girls, Paula readies herself to push them both into the vat of hairspray).


Commercial Break
By Reggie

Mo Rocca: Hi, kids! Have you ever wondered why Jon Stewart can keep his hair in a "mini-pompadour" and you can't?

Regis: JON STEWART'S HAIR! I MEAN, LOOK AT JON STEWART'S HAIR!

Diane Sawyer: I mean, it just looks so ... so ... [her eyes start rolling back in her head]

Geraldo [going nuts inside his Lady Liberty Lair of Hair]: How does he do it? How does he get such great hair without a bazooka?!

[Cut to shot of Jon getting his hair done]
Mo (voice-over): If you're a die-hard Daily Show fan, you'll know this is because The Daily Show stylists use a high-grade lard substitute to shape and maintain Jon Stewart's hair just before the show.

Matt Walsh: It really is just amazing what they've done with Jon Stewart's hair. [Robotic pause.] Unfortunately, not all of us can get that kind of star treatment around here. [Another pause. Glance around.] Not that anyone is complaining.

Frank DeCaro: It look like it would be great to touch, my little cremepuoff ...

Bill O'Reilly: No spin on this one, Jon's hair looks so good this is what I would use if I had hair. Because there are people out there, my friends, judging us every day ...

[Cut back to Mo]: And now, J Magazine, along with the makers of Jonny's Johnson Hair Cleansing Creme, are pleased to present you with this exclusive offer! For only three payments of $49.95 (and a legally binding contract giving us your soul) you too can have three two ounce tins of Mane-Tame High-Grade Lard Substitute to keep your hair pompadour'ed and frizz free. That would be right! A normally $200 offer for only three easy payments of $49.95! (And your soul.)

Jon Stewart: My hair days have gotten sooo much better since I began using Mane-Tame. I mean ...

[cut to shot from Short Attention Span Theater, Jon continues voice-over] ... if you look at my early days and compare them to now ... [split screen with a clip from TDS on the right] ... Mane-Tame makes all the difference!

[cut back to Jon] It's no wonder our ratings have gone through the roof!

Matt Walsh: Just wonder what the ratings would do if we all got to use Mane-Tame?

Jon [shaking his hair while spokes model runs her hand through it]: And the look is completely natural! [Jon voice-overs again, cut to clip of Geraldo] And there's no icky shoe polish look! [cut back to Jon, looking ecstatic, and spokes model, now caressing his chin] None at all! [Jon notices model] None whatso- ... whatso- ... what were we pitching?

Mo: Wondering what Mane-Tame could do for you? Go and get the upcoming June issue of J Magazine at your nearest newsstand! Included on page 53 is a ordering form. Can't wait for the next issue? Call now, at 1-800-69N-WJON.

(end of commercial, we now return you to our regularly scheduled idiocity ...

Scene 8 : The Late Shift
By Sara J

"You suck!"

"No, you suck!"

"You suck worser!"

"Oh, yeah? You suck harder!"

"You suck longer!"

"'Least I don't suck my thumb!"

Pause.

"I do not!"

In the midst of this sucky argument, Geraldo turned to Craig and whispered, "Do they always argue like this?"

Craig shrugged. "How the hell should I know? I'm not on their show!"

"Are you really still bitter about that?" Geraldo asked.

Craig crossed his arms and looked off in some random direction. "Maybe. Why should I tell you?"

"Because you work for me!" Geraldo hissed.

Craig spun around. "No, I don't! I only got roped into this because you promised me you'd fix it so my hair would never be one strand out of place again! And know what? It wasn't! Why do you think I cut it? You think I like looking like jail-bait? That gorgeous blonde perfection was my trademark! And now, thanks to you and your crack-in-a-can, I have the hair of a junior high choirboy and I can't get those damn Catholic priests to stop calling me! I've had to change my number sixteen times! Sixteen! The state of California is running out of combinations, thank you so much!"

Craig's voice rang throughout Geraldo's lair, and suddenly everyone froze and stared at him.

Steve whistled. "Touchy ... "

"You would be too, if everyone in the world hated you," Craig told him, glaring up at Steve and Jon, two of the world's most beloved comics - uh ... in disguise.

"Not everyone hates you," Jon said, his natural compassion surfacing at a very inopportune time.

"Easy for you to say," Craig sulked. "You have a whole fan club - largely composed of ladies, I might add - who have nothing better to do than sit on the computer making up stories about you."

Jon tilted his head. "You know who I ... "

Suddenly, Paula Zahn let out a roar to make the lair shake. "I've had enough of this!" she hollered. "Jewman and Robin--"

"Bishop Boy!" Steve interjected.

"No!" Jon yelled.

"Silence!" Zahn screamed. "You two! You have made fun of the Fox News personalities for the last time! Prepare to meet your DOOM!"

Jon and Steve looked behind them at the giant vat of searing hairspray. "Where did that come from?" Jon asked. When they looked back ahead, Paula Zahn reared up like a bull ready to charge and stormed toward them, nostrils flaring. Steve clung to Jon, whimpering.

"We're gonna die! That's it for us, we're gonna die!"

Then, the entire lair began to quake, throwing Zahn off balance and causing her to trip. Jon and Steve ducked just in time, and Zahn plummeted into the vat of hairspray. Steve and Jon looked over into the vat as noxious smoke billowed up at them.

"Oh, gross!" Steve coughed, sticking and un-sticking his hands together. "Now we're all sticky from the hairspray fumes!"

He stuck his hand to Jon, then peeled it off. He giggled as Jon swatted his hands away. The lair hadn't stopped shaking.

"What's going on?" Geraldo shrieked, pulling at Craig's jacket. "Save me, Kilby!"

Craig shoved the sensationalist and stepped back. "Get away from me, you self-righteous jerkoff," he snapped, dusting off his sleeve. "I may be a narcissistic overgrown frat boy, but at least I don't work for Fox."

Just then, a blinding light shone through the lair and when everyone regained their sight, they all stood in awe.

"Hiya kids," a familiar, slightly condescending voice greeted them. The great figure before them fastened the button on his suit jacket, then swiped his hand through the air accompanied by a slight drumroll.

Geraldo trembled with fear and pointed a finger. "It's ... it's ... "

A voice-over from somewhere in the lair echoed, "Now, the man who probably can't save the day, but couldn't care less in the first place ... Daaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!"

Scene 9 : Et Tu Dave?
By Kelly

Jon: (while taking off mask since his cover was blown anyway) Letterman ... . (sinking to Indian style sitting position on the floor, transfixed on Letterman) Pappa ... (sighs)

Craig: (stuttering) D, D, David ...

David: Craig, son, pack your bags ...

Craig: Are you.. are you taking me home?

David: (cracking up) Good Lord! No! I meant pack your bags from your show! I own you, and I can fire you!

Craig: (hanging head) Yes sir ...

Jon: (still in awe) Pappa ...

David: (walking to Jon and patting his head) Stand up Jon my boy.

Jon: (grinning) Yes sir! (standing, a goofy grin still on his face)

Steve: Mr. Letterman ...

David: Call me Dave!

Steve: (smiling) Dave ...

David: (holding up hand) Save it ... (turning to Jon) Ya know, Jon, I was walking through the park the other day, and I saw a squirrel packing his cheeks full of nuts ... .

Jon: (already giggling) Nuts ...

Geraldo: Has this world gone MAD?!!!!

David: (in a stage whisper, as if to whisper to Jon, but actually loud enough for every one to hear) Well, he's in it, isn't he?

Steve: It's a mad mad world!!! (laughing to self, only one laughing) Am I the only one who saw that movie?!

Jon: No, it just wasn't funny.

Steve: (confused) The movie, or my joke?

Jon: (rolling eyes with Letterman) Your joke, Altar Boy

Steve: (pouting) Fine ... and I still don't like Altar Boy.

Paula: (pulling Craig aside) Craig? Did I say that him insulting me was him insulting Fox News people back there?

Craig: (nodding) Yeah.

Paula: CRAP! I don't WORK FOR FOX ANYMORE!!! Damn this blond hair!!!!!!!!!

Craig: (rolls eyes)

Paula: (chanting) I work for CNN, I work for CNN, I work for CNN, I work for CNN ... We report you decide ... NO! That's FOX! I'm such an ASS!!!

David: (whistling) Whew, I think our good lookin' friend Paula has lost it ... he hee heee

Jon: (giggling at David's giggle)

Geraldo: (his neckerchief in disarray) I was in control here! I was in CONTROL!!! CRAIG!!!! You work for ME! Get your fratboy ass over here!!!!!

Craig: Geraldo, let it go ... nobody's gonna buy your damn hair jizz anyway.

Geraldo: (opening shirt to reveal bomb underneath) Oh yeah?! Well what if I said that unless you all help me to sell it I blow up this Lady Liberty's head?! HUH?!!! I blow it up with all of you inside!

David: (rolling eyes) But then you'll blow up too.

Geraldo: I KNOW THAT! AND FOX NEWS WILL COVER IT WITH ALL THE GLORY AS THEY DO EVERYTHING ELSE AND MY PRODUCTS WILL SELL LIKE HOTCAKES CAUSE OF THE PUBLICITY!

Jon: (laughs)

David: Sorry, Jon ... (to Geraldo) Geraldo, good buddy, how can I help ya?

Jon: (shocked, angry and a little bit hurt) What?! David!!! WHAT?!

David: (straitening tie, grimacing) What can I say kid ... I'm getting paid $30 million a year now, I can't walk away from that by some stupid principle ...

Jon: (clenching fists) Alright! That's it! I'm angry now!

Steve: (tearing up) Jon? You're scaring me ...

Jon: (yelling) IT'S JEWMAN! (ripping off shirt)

Steve: Good God! You ARE hairy!

Scene 10 : Is it something, or nothing?
By Sara J.

"Shut up, Steve, you're ruining the effect!"

Steve only giggled. Jon, suddenly fearless, marched up to Dave and tapped him sharply on the back. Dave straightened his glasses and turned to face - er, look down at - Jon.

"Listen, David. I always knew you were on my side. I always knew you believed in me. You gave me every chance you could--"

A strident snap of someone's fingers interrupted Jon's tirade. He looked toward the direction it came from and there stood Craig, head tilted, familiar smug smirk in place, fluttering his fingers at Jon.

Jon glanced down. "Well ... 'cept that."

He shook his head slightly and looked back up at Dave, who was clearly enjoying this little outburst. "But you were always there for me, always ready to help me and defend me ... and now you're just gonna let it all go? Well, I don't think so, Mister! I refuse to believe that you came all this way ... hey, how'd you get here anyway?"

"Paul," Dave smiled. "He's not from here, you know."

"Yeah, he's Canadian," Jon replied. Dave laughed.

"No, I mean he's not from here. That keyboard?"

Jon nodded, awaiting the rest.

"Interstellar transportation device."

"Wow," everyone remarked, like Ben Stein in the Clear Eyes commercials.

"But Dave," Jon continued. "You couldn't have come all this way just to see me to my death. You wouldn't let that happen ... would you?"

Dave only grinned.

"Would you?!"

Geraldo and a ghastly, deformed, hairspray-laden Paula Zahn stood on either side of the great Letterman. "He's on our side now!" Zahn hissed.

"You heard him!" Garaldo cackled. "He'd do anything for the money!"

Jon's eyes suddenly lost their spark. It was true. His hero had abandoned him. No, worse - he sold out!

Dave ushered Zahn and Geraldo into the center of the lair, away from everyone else. "Jerry, buddy," he said to Geraldo, "Have you ever played 'Is This Anything'? It's just a little game Paul and I like to play. We have something on stage, and we have to decide if it's anything."

Geraldo thought about it a moment. "No ... I don't think I have. Paula?"

The Zahn-creature just shrugged.

"Oh, it's loads of fun," Dave went on. "Wanna play?"

Geraldo and Zahn jumped up and down giddily. "Yes, yes, we'll play!"

"Are you sure you want to, now, you don't have to if you don't want to," Dave told them.

Jon, who had absent-mindedly wandered over to where Craig was standing, whispered to him, "This has gotta be a trick."

Craig shrugged. "Hell, I don't know. I work for the man and I can't figure him out."

"Do you really think he's gonna fire you?" Jon asked.

"No," Craig replied. "He likes me. He must, otherwise he would've hired you."

"Yeah. But I like The Daily Show."

"Better you than me."

"Really? You're not really bitter about me taking your job?"

"But you didn't take my job. I left because I wanted to get out. From day one I wanted to get out. Could've chosen a better way to do it, but it worked. If anything, I took yours."

"What?"

"Yeah, you were supposed to get the Snyder gig. I got it based on the fact that I attract the college crowd."

"Not that that's necessarily a good thing sometimes," Jon laughed.

Craig smirked. "Tell me. It's not my kinda scene, really."

"At least your audience isn't half-high or drunk or ... "

Craig just looked at Jon.

"Oh, yeah, college crowd," Jon said, and Craig nodded.

"Pssst! Hey!" came a voice from above. Craig and Jon looked up to Steve peering down at them. "What are you guys talking about?"

But they didn't have a chance to answer. Geraldo and Zahn were practically foaming at the mouth because Dave had built up the game so high, and they were bouncing around like pin balls. "Ready to play?" Dave asked. They nodded as if their necks were made of rubber. "Okay, here we go, we're gonna play Is This Anything?"

Once again, the lair began to quake.

"Oh, now what?" Craig said, a bit exasperated.

Dave motioned upward with his hand, and in front of everyone one wall of the lair rumbled and began to lift up like a curtain. Geraldo and Zahn ceased their stupid bouncing and stared.

The shaking grew more intense, and Steve lost his footing and fell. Luckily he was caught, quite by accident, by Craig. Steve looked up at him and gave a goofy, wide-eyed smile. Craig rolled his eyes and promptly dropped him. Steve got back to his feet and, since there was no one closer, clung to Craig. Kilby tried to detach the frightened Steve but his terrified grip couldn't be loosened, so Craig simply let his arms drop to the side and grudgingly gave up. On the other side of him, Jon snickered.

"Shut up, he's your sidekick," Craig said, almost laughing in spite of himself.

"Yeah, but he's your problem now," Jon replied, grinning.

Another dazzling light then filled the lair, blinding everyone but Dave. When the light flashed and disappeared, everyone gaped in awe of what stood before them.

"That's a lotta chicks!" Steve said.

"Gentlemen," Dave began, then looked over at Zahn. "And you. I bring to you ... " He pulled a card from one sleeve and read it, then tucked it back into his coat. "The Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency."

He turned to Geraldo and Zahn and swept his hand toward the assembled JSIA. "Now ... is this anything?"

And the villains were too petrified to speak.

Scene 11 : Annie Wan
By Kelly

Steve: (bewildered) The Jon Stewart Whosawhat?

Kilborn: Agency? What, like.. a brigade?

Jon: (smiling) I knew he wouldn't betray me! I knew it! (to Kilborn) It's not a brigade.. a subsection is a brigade ... but now it's not a brigade anymore. The brigade used to be the whole site, but they expanded.

Kilborn: Is it.. what is it? Like your personal army? Like ... some sort of fighting force?

Jon: (snorting) Don't you think if I had my own ARMY I would have sent THEM here instead of me and Bishop Boy over there.

Steve: (mad) I thought you said you didn't LIKE Bishop Boy!

Kilborn: So then what the hell is it? (looking at the wide array of women, and a few men, standing before them, arms linked.)

Jon: (shrugging) I don't know ... it's a bunch of girls that put up a website.

Kilborn: Website for what?! (shaking his arm, to get Steve off him)

Jon: (shrugging again) Cause they ... like me? I don't really, I'm not exactly sure ... (looking at Kilborn) So, let me ask.. if you're not bitter at me, if you're not angry with me ... why are you here? With Geraldo? And um, might I add, trying to kill me?

Kilborn: It's nothing personal, just business.

Jon: (snorts)

Kilborn: No, you don't understand Jon ... I don't care one way or the other if you die ... I'm just trying to get my juice back.

Jon: Your.. your juice?

Kilborn: Yes, my juice. I have juice.

Steve: Oh! What kind?! Is it apple? I love apple juice!

Kilborn: What the he ...

Jon: (waving him away) Forget Steve ... how is helping Geraldo kill me going to get you your ... juice back?

Kilborn: I ... he said it would.

Jon: And you trust him?!

Kilborn: Look Jon, I get by on my looks and a minimal amount of charm and sarcasm ... my hair.. look at my hair right now!!! When I got this damn haircut I thought it would be good, but what did it do?! It killed my juice!!! I killed it! This society is superficial to the core.. and I know cause I am too.

Jon: So ... explain the Geraldo part?

Kilborn: He said he was making hair products that would give everyone juice.. and that he would give me the most juice-inducing batch if I helped him ... And by the way, we weren't going to kill you, we were killing Jewman.

Jon: Oh, well ... you're just an idiot then.

Kilborn: (nodding) But I was going to be and idiot with JUICE! Juice is important!

Steve: What in the sam hell is JUICE!!!!!!

Dave: Well? (straightening his glasses, chewing on an unlit cigar) Is it something? Or nothing?

Geraldo: It's ... um ... what's the name again?

Paula: AH! It's an oxymoron! The Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency! So! Since Jon isn't intelligent.. it's NOTHING!

Geraldo: Yes! You're right Paula! What's an oxymoron?

Dave: (smirking, winking at Jon) So it's nothing?

Paula: Yes!

Dave: Why exactly is it nothing? What was your line of thinking? Or, can you think?

Paula: (thinking, gears creaking) Well, I said that ... Geraldo, what did I say?

Geraldo: Something about a moron.

Paula: YES! I said that it was the intelligence agency and since Jon had no intelligence, then it's nothing!

Dave: And why do you think Jon has no intelligence? (chewing on his cigar, catching eyes with the leader of the underground agency, Annie)

Paula: Cause.. he's a comedian ... comedian's aren't smart, they're silly and asinine.

Kilborn: (easy smile) Right, and journalists are all pillars of integrity and smart as hell, right?

Geraldo: Right! What's integrity?

Jon: It's what's beside your picture in the dictionary under the headline of "Antonyms"

Geraldo: (angry) I don't know what you just said but I think it was an insult!

Jon: (snarky) You're a smart one!!!

Dave: (smiling) Well, since they're "nothing" then you won't mind my releasing them, would you?

Geraldo: No, they'll probably just giggle and fawn over Stewart ...

Kilborn: Hey! Why would they fawn over Jon and not me?!

Steve: Probably cause they're called the JON STEWART Intelligence Agency.

Jon: (quiet) You're a smart one too.

Kilborn: (pouting) I just want to be loved, is that so wrong?!

Dave: Alright girls ... you are released! (swiping his arm dramatically to release the magnetic field separating The Agency from the rest.)

(the girls, serious expressions on their faces, followed their leader, Annie, cautiously.)

Pres. Annie: (authoritative) Alright ... JSEB, stay with me ... the rest of you ... guard the doors!

(slowly the three boys scattered to guard the doors, armed with machine guns)

Jon: Only three guys? What, guys don't like me?

Agent Kelly: No, guys do, but they're afraid of being thought to be gay.

Jon: (nodding) Ah ...

Agent Kelly: Dude! Kilborn! SARA!!! (motioning to another agent) Sara, look!

Kilborn: (straitening up) Wh.. what?

Agent Sara: Oh, Kilborn.. could you just laugh and stick your tongue out, just this once?

Kilborn: (does so)

Agents Kelly and Sara: (giggle)

Annie: Agent Kelly! Agent Sara! FOCUS!

Agent Kelly: (sighing) Damn ...

Jon: I thought you guys were part of MY fanclub.. or.. whatever.. brigade something or other.

Agent Sara: Well, I like to refer to us as "double agents"

Agent Kelly: Just because we love you Jon doesn't mean we can't like the Frat Boy too.

Agent Sara: He's not a frat boy! It's an act cause he's insecure!

Kilborn: What? Act? I'm not.. I'm not insecu ... okay, I'm a little insecure, but ... what ...

Agent Sara: (to group) I told you!!!!

Agent Kelly: Okay, but seriously Sara, we can fawn later ...

Agent Sara: (sighing) Alright ... (smiling at Kilborn)

Agent Kelly: (smiling at Jon, winking at him)

Jon: (laughing) I guess we share the same audience.

Kilborn: (taken back by the praise) Y.. yeah.

Agent Kelly: (grabbing Agent Sara, dragging her with her) He's so cute in person!

Agent Sara: (walking of own accord now) I know, Kilborn is so ...

Agent Kelly: I meant Jon

Agent Sara: Right.. Jon too.

President Annie: (glaring at the two) I'll bitch slap you later, you realize this right?

Agents Kelly and Sara: (nodding)

Pres. Annie: Alright! Now ... let's get to it!

Geraldo: Oh Daaaaaaaaave!

Dave: (standing over by Jon) You didn't actually think I'd abandon you to your death did you?

Jon: Well, for a minute I did, Dave ...

Dave: (clapping his hand on Jon's arm) No, son, I wouldn't do that.. I'm just a better actor than you ...

Jon: (snorts)

Geraldo: Dave!!!!!

Dave: WHAT?!

Geraldo: (exposing his bomb strapped to his chest) Did we forget something?

Jon: (distraught) Oh Dave! You brought all these young girls here ... I can't bare the thought of all of them getting killed cause of me!!! (to the Agency) Leave!! Get out! We can fend for ourselves!!!

Agent Mel: (smitten) Awwww.. that's so Jon! Putting us before himself ... (taking a running start and charging Jon) OH Jon, I love you! (tackling him and smattering kisses all over his face)

Agent Kelly: (to Annie) I told you she'd attack him if he said anything remotely sweet.

Pres. Annie: (holding up hand) Shhh ... (looking to her left) Agent Nikki? Shall I use it?

Agent Nikki: (thinking) I don't think you have a choice ...

Pres. Annie: (nodding) After I use this, Nikki, you have to take over.. I won't have the strength ...

Agent Nikki: (nodding) I've got it.

Agent Kelly: (whispering) Is she really gonna do this? Are you sure she can? Have you ever seen her do it?

Agent Nikki: Oh, she can do it ...

Agent Mel: Do what?

Pres. Annie: I need silence ...

Agent Mel: (whispering) Do what?

Agent Kelly: Shh, just watch ...

Pres. Annie: (catching eyes with Geraldo, holding gaze) Geraldo, you are a bad man ...

Geraldo: (transfixed) Bad man ...

Jon: What the ... is she seducing him?

Agent Nikki: (to Jon, authoritative) Silence!

Jon: (taken back, shutting up)

Pres. Annie: You are going to take off that bomb and diffuse it ...

Geraldo: Take off bomb ... diffuse ...

Pres. Annie: and then you are going to (walking closer, nearly facing him face to face) hand it to me.

Geraldo: (nodding) Hand it to you ... (begins taking off bomb)

Dave: What the shit? What is she doing, some sort of Jedi mind trick?

Agent Kelly: (smiling) She didn't call herself Annie Wan Kenobe for nothing ...

Agent Mel: OH!

Geraldo: (handing Annie the bomb)

Pres. Annie: Nikki, Nikki take it ...

Agent Nikki: Right ... (grabbing bomb just before Annie slouched to the floor, spent)

Scene 12 : Haikus and Stand Up
By Melly

Annie lay gasping on the floor, her energy spent from her mind manipulation, her loyal JSIA members gathered around her.

Annie: And tell my computer Dana that I love her ...

Kelly: No! You can't die! Who's gonna pay for the site, dammit!?

Melly: Oh, I am so saddened. Hold me, Jon! (Melly jumps on Jon who is wading his way through all the girls)

Jon: (patting Melly on back) There, there, let me see her. (Jon kneels in front of the dying Annie, grasping her hand in his).

Nikki: Someone get a medical dictionary! (a few agents scatter, looking for a medical dictionary).

Annie: (smiling weakly at Jon) Oh ... you are so beautiful. My dear, dear Jon.

Jon: (tearing up) No! You can't die, Annie. You must maintain my newsletter! You have ambles to write!

Sara: Perhaps a haiku will save her! She's always loved Jon poetry!

Steve: I'll help, Agent Sara! It's the least I can do!

Annie: (breathing shallowly) When I started my site, I had two members, two ... now I have a whole agency full ...

Jon: (snuffling) No, Annie! Don't ...

Annie: Please Jon, will you do stand up for me? I've always wanted to see you ... shexy ... (Annie slurs her words as she slips in and out of consciousness)

Sara: On this day to end all days
Annie lay dying
Will the agency survive?

Steve: Not bad!

Annie: Leather jacket ...

Jon: What? (looking at the agents) What does she want?

Kelly: She wants you to put on your leather jacket and do stand up.

Jon: Oh, but I didn't bring it ...

Craig: (taking his jacket off) Here, Jon. It's not a petite, but it will do.

Jon: (taking jacket) Thanks, Craig. You may have a heart after all.

Craig: No, I don't think so. It's just hot in here, that's all ...

Steve: What is my crime fighting name?
Altar or Bishop?
The world will never know it.

Sara: Steve!

Steve: Sorry ...

Jon: (slipping on jacket, which hangs loosely on him, and wiping tears from eyes) Ok, uh ... so I went to the proctologist once, cause I thought I might have a hemorhoid ...

(Melly and Kelly hold Annie up)

Jon: (snuffling) And uh ... I had this burning sensation in my ass, and you don't wait to go to the doctor for something like that.

Melly: Jon! I think your stand up is making her better! Keep going!!

Sara: Will stand up save Annie Wan?
Or our poetry?
Let us gather 'round and see.

Jon: (more enthusiastically as he sees Annie's getting better) So I go to the doctor and I'm bent over with my ass in his face, and he takes a look ...

Annie: (moaning)

Jon: And says, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING!

Kelly: Keep going!! Sphincter of the month! Do the sphincter of the month!

Jon: You know my stand up that well?

Kelly: (blushing)

Melly: We've all seen Unleavened about a million times, now go!

Jon: (getting into stand up mode now) And he says it with such accusation, like I'm going to turn around and say, ha! Made you look up my ass again! Surprise!

Annie: (more moaning)

Steve: On the next we love showbiz,
Britney proves again,
That she's a "slave" for Justin.

Sara: Steve! Go sit down!

Steve: (sulking) I was having fun ...

Jon: (pacing and getting louder) I don't know what I expected him to say, "Magnificent! Nurse, get my sketch pad! This is going up on my refrigerator. It's sphincter ... "

Kelly and Melly together: Sphincter of the month!

Jon: (pausing) Do you mind?

Kelly and Melly: Sorry ...

Annie: Cat ... in heat ...

Melly: Do the cat in heat impression!

Kelly: It just may save her!

Jon: Ok. So my wife and I have this cat ...

Sara: A horny feline
And a hairy Jewish man
Will save our leader.

Steve: (from corner) I could have done better! Booo!!!

Letterman: Shush! If you're quiet, I'll let you play with my flukerhuden.

Steve: Gross!

Jon: And every once and a while it will go into heat, it will climb to the highest part of the apartment and ...

Geraldo: Should I take my leave?
Everyone is distracted.
They will not notice.

Sara: Hey!

Kelly: Make the cat in heat noise, hurry!

Melly: Hurry Jon!

(Kelly and Melly prop Annie up, her eyes rolling around in her head, her mouth open with a tad of dribble on her chin)

Jon: (taking deep breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAA!!!!

JSIA Agents: AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAAAAAA!

Jon: (shocked) Man, you guys HAVE seen Unleavened one too many times!

Sara: Make the heated noise!
Everyone together now!
And Annie will live!

Jon, Steve, Letterman, JSIA: AAAAAAWWWWWWWWAAAAAA!!!

Annie: (opening eyes) What? What's going on?

All: AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAAAAAAA!!

Annie: (furrowing brow) Have you all gone nuts? I thought we ... (sees Jon in oversized leather jacket) well hello there ...

Gerado: Come my Zahn creature! Our only chance is to jump into the bay and swim for our lives! You haven't seen the last of me! My tour of terror will be your dastardly doom! (jumps into bay)

Paula: (in mangled, hair spray damaged voice) I am just a little bit sexy! (makes zipper noise and jumps into bay)

The agents, Jon, Letterman, Steve and Craig stare out the opening in shock and disgust.

Jon: There it was, your moment of Zahn ...

Craig: Oh what the hell, I don't need your morals, your values! My hair comes first! (jumps into bay as well).

Letterman: I may fire that boy after all. (chews thoughtfully on cigar).

Annie: (standing up) Jon! You saved my life! How can I ever thank you?

Jon: Ya got a boat?

Annie: Uh ... yeah. That's how we got here.

Jon: Can the Catholic Kid and I borrow it? We're going after them ...

Steve: Catholic Kid? That's kind of catchy,,,

Annie: Of course! (hands keys to Jon) But be careful, my beloved comic.

(Jon pauses to hug all the JSIA members)

Kelly to Melly: (after they got hugs) Was it good for you?

Jon: Thank you for helping me! I shall await the next newsletter! (He and Steve exit)

Letterman: (looking at agents and chewing on cigar) How would you kids like to be on my show?

Scene 13 : For Love of Letterman
By Sara J.

Agent Sara, who's dreamed of being on the Letterman show since she was five, shouted, "Would we?!"

The rest of the agency laughed. Dave chuckled and patted the little agent on the head. "Well then, I'll just call Paul and we'll be back in the old Ed Sullivan Theater in no time."

Then Agent Sara remembered something. She tapped Dave politely on the arm and said, "Dave, Mr. Letterman, could you do one favor for me?"

"Sure, kid."

"Call me crazy, but could you not fire Kilby? And, like, just get him back to his stupid show where he belongs?"

"You're crazy!" the agency shouted ... all except one.

"You actually like that guy?" Dave asked Agent Sara. She nodded. "Yeah, sorta."

"Sorta?? You're a double agent!" Agent Kelly pointed out.

"So! You are, too!" Agent Sara yelled back. Scattered murmurs throughout the agency. Agent Kelly turned to them. "Oh, like you didn't know." They all shrugged and nodded.

President Annie stepped forward. "So it's official ... "

Kelly shrugged. "Not really."

Sara nodded. "Yeah, we just like to say we are." She turned to Jon. "It's nothing against you, Jon. It's just ... hell, I don't know!"

Jon just laughed and hugged her. Of course, he was wearing that leather jacket and he'd just done stand-up, so there wasn't much Agent Sara, Senator of the On-Stage Stewartlust, could do besides just stand there otherwise she'd do something she might regret. Might.

Agent Kelly suddenly skipped up to them. "What about me? I'm a confused and hopeless double agent, too!"

Jon giggled and put and arm around her, and the three stood in a kinda sorta group hug.

"You know," Sara finally said, "If you hug us again, you have to hug the rest of the agency again."

So off he went again, hugging each and every agent ... except the guys, whom he just shook hands with.

"Hey!" Agent Melly spoke up after the hugfest. "Are we goin' to The Late Show or what?!"

Dave held up a finger, pressed the button pinned to his tie, and suddenly great music filled the air.

"It's Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra!" that same voice-over from before announced. "Where is that coming from?" Agent Kelly asked.

"It's coming from all corners of the lair," said Agent Morgan, who had been silent until now. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was Alan Kalter ... "

"I just wanna know why Stephen isn't here!" Agent Courtney said.

"I am here!" Steve told her.

"I said Stephen," Courtney replied. "As in Colbert. I have a website about him, ya know. The first and least comprehensive."

"Everybody likes him best," Steve sulked. Courtney smiled. "I like you too, Steve! I just ... like Stephen a lot!" Steve brightened. "Oh, okay then!"

When the music came to a crescendo, Dave walked over to Paul. "I've got a few extra passengers, think the ol' intersteller thingy can take it?"

Paul looked the agency over. "A few extra? You've got a fleet, my friend."

"But can we take them back with us?"

"Sure, let me just adjust the settings ... and we're off."

"Great." Dave turned to the agency. "Gather 'round, kids, we're going back to the show."

Everyone circled around Paul and the Orchestra as he began to flip the switches.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Dave said. "Alan! Get your ass over here unless you wanna live the rest of your life announcing for the seagulls!"

"It was Alan Kalter!" Morgan said. "I mean ... it is."

Agent Sara hopped up on one side of Paul's keyboard. "So this thing is really an interstellar transportation device?"

"You bet," Paul replied.

"So as soon as you flip the last switch, we're outta here?"

"Gone, babe."

He flipped the last switch and the whole shebang was transported in a flash of light to the stage at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Tangent Ramblings
By Annie

What the ... I didn't know I had such powers!

Annie: [Waves hands] I want to give you so much money, Annie.

JSIA: [In unison] I want to give you so much money, Annie.

Annie: No really, I want to.

JSIA: [In unison] No really, I want to.

Annie: And I'll get that to you in unmarked, nonsequential bills by tomorrow.

JSIA: [In unison] And I'll get that to you in unmarked, nonsequential bills by tomorrow.

Annie: Eeeexcellent.

JSIA: [In unison]: Eeeexcellent.

Annie: Oops. Forgot to turn it off.

JSIA: [In unison]: Oops. Forgot to turn it off.

Annie: Damn it!

Scene 14: Enter Smarmy
By Kelly

The Lair

[the JSIA have left the Hairaldo Lair and been interstellarly transported to the David Letterman studio's]

Jon: (smiling, wiping a tear from his eye)

Steve: Oh, Jon! (hugging him) What's wrong? Why are you crying?

Jon: (valiantly reacquiring his stiff upper lip) No, nothing, it's just ... touching is all.

Steve: (nodding) That all those girls, and the dude, the ... dudes ... came and risked their lives for you?

Jon: (nodding, sniffing hard once, tears stopped) Yeah ...

Steve: (nodding) Yeah, that is touching ... but why don't I have that? Why do people always like Stephen Jonny? (tearing up)

Jon: (hugging Steve) Steve! I like you! I like you allot, I'm very fond of you!

Steve: (wiping tears) I know ...

Jon: (swinging arm around Steve and walking towards exit) Else why would I include you in my ... what did Lew call it? Hijinx?

Steve: (giggling) Lewis is so funny.

Jon: (nodding, laughing) He is that, my friend ... he is that.

~*~*~*~

Down there in the ocean

Kilborn: (screaming) Geraldo come on!!

Geraldo: (laughing from inside the boat with The Zahn) Are you kidding me?! You just flipped sides on me! You went to the dark side!

Zahn: (tapping Geraldo) I think we're the dark side.

Geraldo: Right ... then, you just went to the light side!!!

Kilborn: Actually I'm in Permanent Press ... forget it. (hanging onto edge of boat) Come ON, Geraldo!!! I was.. I was playing.. yeah, that's the ticket, I was joking!!! Joking!!!

Geraldo: (maniacal laugh) Well, you can joke and choke at the same time, my traitorous sidekick! (gunning engine on boat ... if that's possible) Good bye!!!!!!

(the boat takes off, kicking water in Kilborn's face, making him choke and gasp for air)

Kilborn: (hearing a powerful boat engine) Ah, thank god, he was playing a sick joke on me! (turning to see a rather large boat coming his way) That's not Geraldo ...

Jon: (stopping at Kilborn) Well, well.. if it isn't Fickle Frederick!

Steve: (confused) Frederick? I thought your name was Craig.

Kilborn: (rolling eyes, trying to grab something on the boat to keep himself afloat) It is! You imbecile!!!!!

Steve: Jon, Craig's being mean to me!

Jon: (laughing) Kilborn, I wouldn't be mean to Steve, it looks to me like your God of Hair has left you to fend for yourself.

Kilborn: (pleading) Jon, help me ... help me! I can't swim from here to the mainland! And look at my HAIR!

Jon: (reaching out hand to Craig, but not pulling him up) How can I trust you after I just saw you flip sides twice in a half hour?

Kilborn: Jon, help me up! I'll be indebted to you! Geraldo was just a fling! It was a mutually beneficial relationship! You'll be saving my life!

Jon: (pulling Craig up) Damn me and my damn conscience.

Kilborn: (coughing)

Steve: (pounding Craig on his back)

Kilborn: (breathing heavy) Jon, I don't know how to thank you ...

Jon: (thinking) I do ... help me take down Geraldo.

Kilborn: Okay ... Okay.

Steve: Jon! (taking Jon over to the other side of the boat while Craig gets himself a Martini) Jon, how the hell can you trust him after you saw how quickly he switches sides?

Jon: (smiling, clapping a hand on Steve's back) I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

Steve: (dubious) Okay, Don Corleone.

Jon: Jon Corleone! I like that!

Kilborn: (walking up with two other Martini's) Here, I made you this ... not that it makes up for.. or in any way repays you for ...

Steve: (licking lips, taking Martini) Mmm, Olives! Stevo's hungry!

Jon: (smiling, taking Martini and setting it down) I appreciate the gesture, Craig.

Kilborn: (smiling)

Jon: However, we must concentrate now on getting Geraldo.. drinking can come later ... besides, I'm a Bud man, not a Martini Man.

Steve: (smiling at Jon) Can I ...

Jon: (rolls eyes) Here Steve ... (hands him his olives)

Kilborn: So.. do you have a plan?

Jon: (shakes his head) No we have to wait for L ... Blackbird to call us and give us his location..

Kilborn: Lew?! Oh, I miss Lew. He always got me going.

Jon: (nodding) He's a funny man.

Kilborn: There are certain things I do miss ... he's one of them.

Jon: (putting his hand on Craig's shoulder) You understand I don't fully trust you.

Kilborn: Hey, I'm the first to admit I'm wishy washy.

Jon: (nodding) So, here's what I'm going to do ...

Kilborn: (sitting down)

Jon: (sitting next to him) I'm gonna get you your juice back, as best I can.

Kilborn: (perking up) Really?! How.. how would you be able to do that?!

Jon: Well, off the top of my head, I don't know. But I do know that maybe my coming on your show would help.. and you coming on mine.

Kilborn: Oh, I'd like that Jon! Thanks!

Jon: And ... I don't know ... we'll think of something.. but ... so, now you'll be faithful to ME and not Geraldo? Cause Craig, this society IS superficial on the surface ... but really and truly, I'm not that cynical.. Craig, character does count.. if Character didn't count, I would be nothing. I'm not the most handsome man ...

Steve: Jon, you're handsome!

Jon: But not as handsome as Craig.

Kilborn: True.

Steve: I disagree! I think if you asked those girls back there who was handsomer they'd say you Jon.

Kilborn: He's right.

Jon: Except for the Kelly and Sara girls.

Kilborn: Really? I got the impression that Kelly liked you more, and just found me.. amusing.

Jon: (shrugging) Either way.. that's not the point. The point is ...

Kilborn: (nibbling on his olives, much to Steve's disappointment) What's the point?

Jon: The point is that character counts more than looks, at least in my book ...

Kilborn: (nodding) Maybe ... I guess.

Jon: (nodding) It does.. and here's what I'm going to do.. I'm gonna use whatever juice I might have to get people to see YOUR character ...

Kilborn: But what if I don't have character?

Jon: (laughing) Craig, you have it, you just have to find it!

(something crackles in the air)

Steve: Jon! Blackbird!

Jon: (racing to walkie talkie) Blackbird, this is Jewman ...

Kilborn: (snorting)

Steve: Hey, what's his name?

Blackbird: Jewass, what are you doing?! Get your butt in high gear and get this corrupt guy under your belt!

Jon: (sighing)

Kilborn: (laughing)

Blackbird: Who is that?! I know that laugh!

Kilborn: Uh.. it's me Lew, it's Craig.

Blackbird: (silence)

Kilborn: (sad)

Blackbird: Kilborn?

Kilborn: Yeah ...

Blackbird: (silence) Your nickname is Smarm Man, and only call me Blackbird.

Kilborn: (laughing) Alright.

Blackbird: How are you C ... Smarmy?

Kilborn: I'm ... I'm getting there.

Blackbird: Jewboy ...

Jon: God Blackbird! Is it so hard?! JEW MAN ... MAN!!!

Blackbird: Whatever! Is Smarmy over there a prisoner, or is he ...

Jon: He's with us now.

Blackbird: (sighing) Well, I like him enough, but ... how can you trust him? I mean, he was working WITH Geraldo.

Jon: (smiling) He's got a stake in this now.. don't worry about it.

Blackbird: Alright.. how's Altar Boy?

Steve: I thought of one! Catholic Kid!

Blackbird: No

Steve: Come on Lew!

Blackbird: Blackbird, you insolent fool! Jewman, Jewman, forget the pleasantries, Geraldo is headed ...

Scene 15:
By Sara J.

" ... straight for Times Square. No word on what he plans on, but whatever it is, I'm sure he'll be out there covering the aftermath with his usual sensationalist spin."

"Speaking of spinning ... " Steve said, looking a little woozy, "When is all this water gonna be over?"

He hiccupped and fell slightly toward Craig.

"Oh, no you don't," Kilborn said, turning Steve toward the ocean. "It's bad enough I'm covered in sand, saltwater and seaweed. Let's not add Steve Carell's breakfast to that list, okay?"

"You're sure it's Times Square, Lew--dammit ... Blackbird?" Jon asked.

"Yes, I'm sure! For the love of god, Jon, just call me Lewis, everyone already knows anyway!"

Jon smiled.

"And wipe that stupid grin off your face."

Jon promptly did so, wondering how Lewis knew ... nevermind. "Okay, then. Over." He clicked off the walkie talkie and turned around, standing tall. "Set course for Times Square!"

"Who are you talking to?" Craig asked, holding Steve halfway overboard by his shirt.

"Uh ... my faithful obedient crew?"

Craig smirked. "Right, Jon. Give up on that dream."

Jon shrugged, then when he realized what Craig was doing, raced over.

"Oh, I rescue you and you repay me by trying to drown one of my best friends?! I knew I couldn't trust you!" Jon yelled, grabbing Steve's shirt and yanking him back over.

"But Jon--"

"No buts! I can't believe you would ... "

He trailed off when he realized the front of his shirt was suddenly wet ... and ... warm.

"Oh."

"Seasick," Steve said. "He was holding me so I--"

"Yeah, yeah ... I get it. Sorry Steve," Jon said, letting him go.

"Not 'sorry Steve' ... " Steve said, motioning toward a snickering Kilborn, tongue between his teeth.

"Oh, right ... uh ... sorry, Craig. I shouldn't have ... "

He held out his hand, but Craig stepped back. "Hey, apology accepted. This isn't a business deal."

Jon wiped his hand on Steve's shirt and went to the front of the boat.

"Okay, so ... anyone know how to steer this thing?"

End of Part One ...

 

Added August 18, 2002.
Compiled by Kelly.


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