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The Fan Files
 Essays

 

Writer's Block
by Nikki

February 3, 2001

Howdy folks. I have a confession to make: I'm suffering from major writer's block right now. I can't think of anything to write. It's pathetic. I asked my mom for ideas; she suggested I write an article about Jon's eyes. I thought, hey, that's cool. So I tried to go with it.

Here's what came out:
Jon Stewart has pretty eyes. They're all nice and stuff. Sometimes they look blue, but I've been told they really aren't. They're hazel. But who really knows anyway? Has anyone seen his driver's license? Oh wait, they showed it on TV once. We have. I forgot what it said, though. Damn.

Not a very good article. So, I tried again, this time with eyebrows:
Jon Stewart has nice eyebrows. They're very . . . even.

I tried again with hair:
Jon Stewart has great hair.

Quite obviously, there's much more I could say about him; I just can't think of it. I'm not really one to admire a person's features too much. I'm not sure if that means I'm uncreative, uncaring, or stupid. Anyhoodily hoo, when I realized that, I also realized what a stupid idea this eye article was. Then I thought, hey, I should write a funny article! An article so funny, no one will care what it's about!

This is how far I got on that:
Hey everyone, here're a couple of dillies!

Dilly dilly!

I'm an idiot. I decided then that I should write a song about Jon. Here's how that went:

(To the tune of James K. Polk by They Might Be Giants)

In 1993, TV programs were hard to cull
We can't remember the names of the shows, 'cause they were so dull
But with old TV Guides, you can see the shows really were awful lame
In fact, too lame to name
'Cause they were so bad it'd be inappropriate
Alas from New York came a show worth a watch
Called The Jon Stewart Show, a clear improvement from Ed Koch

A hilarious Sagittarius, Jon made us all crack up
Canceling his show was Paramount's biggest screwup
But we can't really hold a grudge
For they could bring us to a judge
And sue for all our powers
And their lawyers are better than ours
So let's act like nothing ever was mentioned
Anyway we all were sad 'til '98
When Craig Kilborn left The Daily Show for a show called Late Late

Comedy Central rushed to find a replacement host
Craig couldn't do both when he was on the west coast
Jon needed a job
And didn't work for the mob
So CC checked him out
Saw what he was all about
Then decided he was good enough to use
On January 11, he took over as anchor of
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, weeknights at 11
The greatest show in the world, only on Comedy Central.

Well, it isn't *that* bad. By the time I was done, the deadline for my article had already passed. And I still haven't come up with anything! I'm sorry. If any of you want to write anything for me and send it to me so I can say I wrote it, go ahead. Or you could just submit it normally and be *credited*. Whatever.

 

Last updated September 2, 2002.


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