Close Encounters of the Jon Kind
Name: Patty M.
April 2, 2004
Jon Stewart LIVE! - A report
from Cleveland by Patty M. (April 2, 2004).
WARNING: The following retelling won't be nearly as funny as how Jon said it.
Jon performed in the State Theatre in Playhouse Square, where one of the ushers
told my husband, George, and I there were only five unsold seats (it looked
like a bit more than that, but not much). Anyway, being in Cleveland he had
to start with the usual burning river comments (the Cuyahoga River, which empties
out into Lake Erie, was once so polluted that it caught on fire. This was back
in 1969, but comedians still love to dwell on it). He was very confused as to
how casually we Clevelanders talk about flaming water. This is one of two notable
things from the evening that just might come up at the beginning of Monday's
After the local humor, he moved onto national matters, such as:
1. How George W. Bush "just doesn't give a fuck" when it comes to
being wrong about, say, the WMD's.
2. That after watching The Passion of the Christ, Jon realized that "this
Jesus guy was really very popular." He understood Catholics needed this
film after having such a "tough year," pointing out you know it's
bad when you confess to a priest and he says, "You think THAT'S bad? Wait'll
you hear about MY weekend!"
3. The "war on terror" is interesting because nations usually "fight
wars against a noun," while this is "a feeling," and that after
being in existence for two and a half years, the best our Homeland Security
can come up with is a five-color scale, basically "a traffic light plus
4. While the quality of our military increases, the quality of education decreases
and that bombs are so expensive that we'll start dropping small school children
on the targets. "That little white blip on the radar screen is Jimmy Johnson
from Bronx Elementary School."
5. Ohio, being such an important swing state this election, will "get its
balls licked" by every politician until November.
6. Many talking heads in the news media are "fucking retarded."
7. NOW for the second notable thing of the evening. Remember that video TDS
has of the guy boinking a pinata? Before Jon could go into that, he very openly
debated if he should, because there was a little kid in the front row! Yes,
some rocket scientist of a parent brought an "8 or 9" year-old boy
to see Jon Stewart, apparently thinking the strategically placed "bleeps"
you hear on TV would be there for the live show. Jon was CLEARLY uncomfortable
with this, even resting his head as he squatted by the stool and debated, saying
he had to be sure if that was indeed a child there because, "being in Cleveland,
he could easily be [Dennis] Kucinich." THAT got a huge laugh.
There was LOTS more funny, but I was too busy laughing and being reminded by
George to breathe to write everything down.
Compiled and edited by Melly.