Close Encounters of the Jon Kind
 Standup shows

Name: Melly
Age: 19
Location: Washington, D.C., Warner Theater
Encounter date: May 3, 2002
Added: May 21, 2002
Note: Pictures available here

Clearly I was an obsessed person as on Friday morning I boarded a bus for Washington, D.C. from my native Pittsburgh to travel four hours just so I could see Jon's stand up performance at the Warner Theater. This was the third live Jon experience I had in five months. So not only was I obsessed, I was clinically mad.

But it was also a historic event in the history of the JSEB and JSIA. I met up with Krissy, Secretary of Odds and Ends, her roommate Kristen, who needs to join the JSIA right away because she's very impressive in her Jon Lust, and Rianna, another member. Surely our combined lust brought a noticeable change to the nation's Capitol that shall not soon be forgotten.

After a very long and extremely annoying bus ride in which everything that can be bad during a bus ride happened (loud people, crying kid hanging over the back of her seat into mine, cramped bus, smelly person sitting next to me, bad traffic), I arrived in D.C. and took a deep breath of the same air I knew Jon was breathing too. Then, through the magic of cellular technology, I found Rianna, Krissy, and Kristen at Union Station. After a quick round of intros, it was off to Chinatown for dinner.

Despite the fact that our waitress was rude and stood next to our table as if we were chain gang members being taken out for a meal, we had a good time over dinner. We made the usual, "I'm gonna clock Jon over the head and take him home with me," comments which quickly turned dirty when we discussed what we'd do with Jon once we had "acquired" him. I'm sure you've all had this conversation, so I don't need to go into the details.

We were served a big plate of fortune cookies and played the "in bed with Jon" game with them. I don't remember the fortune I had because it wasn't that good and didn't turn out well, even with Jon in bed at the end of it. But I did tell everyone how I once bought some Bible fortune cookies with scripture quotes instead of fortunes just so I could play the "in bed" game with them because I thought it would be funny. The only one I could remember, "And Jesus wept," turned out to be REALLY funny when you added "in bed with Jon" to the end of it.

After dinner we went over to the theater even though we were a full two hours early. Rianna almost didn't make it when the little panels on the insides of the ticket booths at the metro closed on her when she put her card in to walk through.

At the theater we quickly "cased the joint" by walking around and even through it. We found what we thought was the stage exit, so we agreed to meet there after the show. Then we went across the street so we could take pictures in front of the marquee, and even commandeered a nice usher to take group shots of us.

Once the theater was open, we waited in the lobby to be let into the actual auditorium. There, we planned what we would yell when Jon came on stage. Since we were split up, with me and Rianna sitting in about the fourth or fifth row on the right and Krissy and Kristen sitting farther back in the center, we decided to do something different. At the first silence, Ri and I would shout, "We love!" and Krissy and Kristen would answer back, "you, Jon!" This would have to get Jon's attention. We also thought of alternative things we could shout, most of which are unmentionable here.

We were finally let into the theater and took our seats. Rianna and I were pretty close to the stage, about four or five rows back on the right side. After sitting down, I chatted up an usher, asking her stuff like if she was allowed to meet Jon, did she see him before the show, etc. She said he had come out for a sound check on the microphones earlier and was really nice and relaxed.

Rianna had a horrible feeling that someone tall was going to sit right in front of her, so in between trying to calm her down and convincing her not to chicken out when we did our yell, I was watching the side of the stage where I could see back behind the curtain. As is my habit, I brought my binoculars to "Jon spot." The last time I saw him perform, I was also sitting where I could see the far side of the stage and behind the curtain, but I didn't see a Jon-like entity. This time I did. Just as I was telling Ri for the umpteenth time that someone the size of The Rock was not going to sit in front of her, I saw a figure pass by the opening. Grabbing for my binoculars, I confirmed the sighting.

It was the species Jonulus Stewartus all right, clad in a brown leather jacket instead of his usual black leather one. He was calmly pacing around by himself with his hands behind his back, probably gathering his thoughts. It was incredible seeing the species in its native environment, and as I peered through my binoculars I almost felt like I was disturbing his privacy since he was by himself and no one else could see him. But I like to think of it as Jon's and my "Special Moment Together." I elbowed Ri to show her my discovery, but just as she looked, he walked away, deeper into the vast wasteland of the Backstage Environment. Ri thought I was teasing her because she didn't get to see him, but I would never kid about such a beautiful creature as Jon.

Rianna got more and more anxious and she even made a seasoned Jon watcher like me feel nervous. I kept saying I was going to throw up (could have been the Chinese, though) and Ri kept telling me where to direct it (away from her) if I did so. We were still bantering about where my phantom puke would end up when the music playing on stage stopped, the lights dimmed and someone over the PA introduced Jon.

Ri and I clutched at each other as the object of our affection calmly walked on stage. He was wearing those damn gray pants again, a white V-neck, and the brown leather jacket. He was carrying a bottle of water that he calmly sat on the stool and took the microphone. The crowd went wild for him of course, shouting, cheering, whistling. Jon thanked everyone and made some funny comments about being in DC which escape me at the moment.

Two guys who were late snuck in right as Jon took the stage, and as they were walking past to take their seats, Jon saw them and said, "No, please, you should go," which made the audience laugh and the guys practically run to their seats. I just love how Jon makes fun of people who are late or who go to the bathroom. Perhaps next time I will try nonchalantly walking up the center aisle.

As soon as we saw our chance, after the applause had died down and Jon was getting ready to say something, Ri and I shouted, "We love!" and we were ecstatic to hear Krissy and Kristen answer, "you, Jon!" in another part of the theater. The audience laughed while Jon stood with an amused look on his face. When the laughter died down he said, "I'm fond," and then ran to the other side of the stage and said, "of you too!" This really excited me. Mine ears have heard the glory of the talking of the Jew! He was running 'round the stage and sayin' "I am fond of you!"

As if this weren't enough, Jon talked about us some more. He said, "Girls always plan sh*t like that, but you never see guys doing it. You never see guys going, 'Okay dude, I'm gonna sit over here and say 'I love' and then you'll be over there and you can answer 'you, Jon.' And it will be sooooo awesome, dude." This really cracked me up since it was pretty much what we had said to each other when we planned it.

After talking about us (I just love saying that), Jon went into his act, which was predominantly political since we were in D.C. A lot of stuff I heard him say on TDS, I think some of it was new, though. He did use the whole catholic scandal thing to go into his usual Pope jokes, and said that he thought homosexuals were going to get blamed for the whole molestation thing. That said, he went into his whole gay people set, talking about the St. Patrick's Day Parade, gays in the military (I love this quote: "Officer, shoot that man!" "I can't sir, he's adorable."), And his pumpkin banging thing.

Somewhere in one of those jokes, Jon gyrated. And not silly gyrating, like Night at the Roxbury stuff, but like REAL gyrating. Yeah, just soak that in for a minute.

Done? Of course it was sexy, of course it made me WONDER ...*ahem*

Anyway, at some point this kid in the front row held up a sign which Jon read out loud. It said, "Mr. Stewart, will you speak at my graduation?" After laughing at this, Jon said, "Well I WOULD, but ... I'll tell ya what, when is it?" and the kid said June fifth. Immediately Jon said, "Can't do it." Then he asked him where he went to school and he named some local high school. Jon said, "Oh it's a high school? Not college. Well, I sure do want an honorary shop degree, but I really don't want to go back to high school." The kid said they tried to get Ben Stein to do it too, which made Jon laugh and say, "Any Jew will do, huh?"

I have to say, Jon did a lot of off the cuff stuff, which we all know is when he's at his best. He was talking about William and Mary and some guy in the audience spoke up and said they went to school together. Jon said, "Oh yeah, how ya doing? We should grab a beer and play some ball sometime."

Speaking of beer, Jon was doing his usual beer and condoms jokes when he said that he could really go for a beer. The stage manager went and brought him one from the bar. It was so cute because Jon didn't expect this and was all surprised and thanked him. Then he started drinking it so he was pacing around the stage in a leather jacket and drinking a beer. Just picture it. Yummy, yummy.

It seems Jon has been spicing up his old material as I heard a few new things. He was doing his joke about masturbating and how it's so adorable when girls try to give guys a hand job (and I just love the way he says that too), and he was saying something about "when girls finally decide to let us (as in men) ravage their bodies with pleasure" (which put very naughty thoughts in my head as he'd used a personal pronoun, thereby including himself in the pleasure ravaging group) and then started talking about how girls think all guys talk about is sex, but they don't really. It was his usual, "Girls describe things" joke, but then he said this, "Guys are just like, 'Didja f*ck her?' 'Yep.' Girls describe sh*t, they'll say 'man he had a penis like a baby's arm holding an apple!'" I had never heard that last part before and it nearly sent me to the floor in hysterics. Damn that Jon, just as I think I've heard every one of his jokes and can now laugh politely at them instead of dying from suffocation like my original reaction, he pops a new joke on me and almost kills my spleen! I cannot escape him!

Another thing that just struck me as completely hysterical was his joke about white people talking like black people. He said, "I don't know why white guys talk like that! You can go up to a guy and say, 'So how was the party, Todd?" For some reason, the way he said Todd made me snort and then snort again, until I was laughing at the way I snorted and saying "Todd" out loud to Ri who apparently didn't think it was as hilarious as I did. That's just me being weird.

Jon started talking about how he once went to a pro choice rally and how uncomfortable it was for him since he was the only guy there. He said something about how he's all for women being able to do what they want with their bodies, which caused a handful of overly excited women (me and Ri being two of them) to "Woo" at this. To which Jon replied, "Yeah, well I won't be f***ing any of YOU tonight!" This also made me cry with laughter, but then I realized they weren't tears of laughter, they were tears of sadness.

At this point that poor kid in the front row held up his sign again, which made Jon laugh (he has such a gorgeous laugh) and say, "Yes, I SAW your sign, sir!" That too made me clutch my aching stomach which was already weak from all that guffawing. The way Jon said it was too funny, like the kid was retarded or something.

Jon scared this poor woman in the audience, when she got up to go to the bathroom and he shouted (really loud) at her, "HEY!" And she turned around, startled (which was hilariously funny) to look at Jon, who said, "You can't leave yet! You must stay for the WHOLE show! You can't leave until I say so!"

Jon wound down the show by asking if there was anything anyone wanted to talk about. Seeing my chance, I yelled "Make shadow puppets!" since I had been staring at Jon's shadow on the curtain all night. Someone near the front yelled something at the same time as me, so shooting a weird look in my general direction (sigh ... a look meant for me, only me! Me and me alone ...) he answered some guy's question which led to the hemorrhoid bit. ("Magnificent. Nurse, get my sketch pad, this is going up on my refrigerator.")

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. Jon thanked everyone and said he had had a good time. (I really think he did enjoy himself more than usual. Was it the beer?) Returning to reality, I noticed Rianna, who had been incredibly nervous and meek before the show, was now yelling things at the stage while Jon was exiting. Dragging her away while she was shouting something about how it had been nice "having Jon." We popped out the first exit we saw and made a beeline to the stage door where we planned to meet with Krissy and Kristen. Ri discovered she'd left her sweater in the theater, so I went to the back door to guard it, I mean, wait for Jon to come out while she went back for her sweater. I met back up with Krissy and Kristen and soon Ri joined us again. There, we congratulated ourselves on how well our cheer had gone down and talked about the show. Rianna commented on how she's only seen Jon on TDS and had no idea he could be so raunchy. I think her exact words were something like, "I always thought Jon was so sweet and nice!" But she had been doubled over with laughter throughout the show, so I guess raunchy standup Jon doesn't bother her.

Then, we heard one of the doors open and ... some people came out. Audience people. Saddened that our treasured discovery was actually just another theater exit and not the stage exit, we waited around for a few minutes anyway. Finally we decided that even if this was the stage exit, Jon wouldn't be coming out until everyone had left and that could be hours. Also, he was probably staying overnight in D.C. And hadn't brought his actual car to the theater and probably left it at the hotel. Which meant that someone was probably driving him and it was pointless to look for his Jeep.

But we were still ecstatic as we walked back to the metro because our plan to get Jon to acknowledge and make fun of us had worked. All in all, the show was the best I've seen so far, with a lot of newer stuff and off the cuff comments, along with that baby's arm holding an apple thing which I am STILL laughing over. I was laughing about it to myself on the bus home and everyone probably thought I was crazy as I stifled my giggles.

We decided that JSIA members meeting up is a GREAT thing and we should do it more often. Someone mentioned us all going to New York to see a taping, which would rock, and we should all plan for it. Because when JSIA members team up, good things happen!

Compiled by Melly.