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 Jon Stewart Intelligence Agency
    A n   u n o f f i c i a l   f a n   c l u b

We're fighting, apparently, with one of
Xena's web sites. It's a huge battle.

— Jon Stewart on the JSEB




Jon Stewart: The Interview (Yeah, Right)


This fictional interview was inspired by an e-mail I got from Marie, a JSEB and SSS member who shares my fondness for men in spectacles. (I'm not the only one -- there's a site called MulderGlasses Shrine. Seriously. Its only content is Duchovny in glasses.) I also know that many celebrities probably avoid too much contact with their more zealous fans for reasons that you will understand after you read this interview. Just as well, I guess.

There is only some truth to this interview. The interview is a mixture of other interviews, what might be Jon's personality based on these interviews, and pure fiction. Read this carefully because you might start to think that he actually said these things one day, forgetting that it was just made up. You have been warned.


[I met with Jon at his TDS office in New York. The interview was tape-recorded. This is a full transcript of the interview.]

Annie: Hi, Jon. It's such a pleasure and an honor to meet you. Thank you so much for doing this.

Jon: No problem, Annie.

Annie: I notice that the gray in your hair is a little less prominent than usual. I'm starting to suspect a little tinkering. Are you trying to garner a more distinguished audience?

Jon: [Laughs] No. It's just the lighting and the camera angles, seriously. My hair does get dyed now and then, like when I made Big Daddy. I was playing a younger character and they wanted less gray.

Annie: Speaking of distinguished audiences, are you getting settled? A Peabody Award is no immature accomplishment.

Jon: Well, you know, that's a weird thing. We never expected that. We're just sitting around, goofing off, trying our best to be funny. We make stuff up and here comes this prestigious award for -- what? The groud-breaking story on the guy who saves his phlegm? It's crazy.

Annie: Oh come on. You tell the truth. It's disguised as comedy, but you have the guts to say it.

Jon: Sometimes we can find a point of entry, an angle that no one else picked up on. No, strike that -- we go after the angle EVERYONE has picked up on and no one says out loud. Instead, you'll have Dan Rather sitting at the camera and talking in very serious tones about Monica, obstruction of justice, and the national crisis, when inside you know he's thinking, "MAN! I can't BELIEVE Clinton was getting hummers on the couch that MY TAXES paid for!"

Annie: I wouldn't say that you only go after stuff everyone has picked up on. You also go after the media -- and they seem oblivious to their own insanity.

Jon: Sure. They don't know how crazy they are, but we do. The audience at home is smarter than the media realize. They flip the channels, see 72 different stations covering the Elian story, and they think, "This is stupid. Where are my Sanford & Son rereuns!" In the meantime, some former beauty pageant contestant is talking about her "exclusive" interview with a little boy, an interview that has absolutely no merit. This is an interview that can do ONLY HARM. Have we lost our minds as a society?

Annie: Who do you blame, if anyone?

Jon: Nobody. Everybody. Look, you have a network owned by Disney, right? Another one owned by GE? Westinghouse? There's nothing fundamentally wrong with corporations, but the corporation is obsessed with the bottom line. Consciously or not, that attitude has got to affect the way the news is presented. The content. Everything. And that in turn affects us.

Annie: Marry me.

Jon: What?

Annie: Let's turn to a more serious topic. Dog vomit. Is Shamsky still throwing up nights?

Jon: [Laughs] No, not so much. That was just a temporary thing. I think he had some kind of virus.

Annie: Were you irritated by Rosie's condescending attitude about pit bulls?

Jon: Rosie's great. I'm not saying anything bad about her because she could have me disappeared, if you know what I mean. Maybe not as quickly as Oprah could, but still -- very powerful woman. But you know, there's this perception out there that it's the dog that's bad, and it's hard to fight that tide of misinformation. I don't blame her, but she didn't want to even contemplate the idea that she might be wrong on that issue. When a breed becomes the favorite of unsavory, abusive people, of course the breed seems to go bad. I mean, jeez, if cocker spaniels suddenly became the cool street dog, they'd be biting the neighbor's balls off too. Or at least gnawing on them a little. But, of course, that ain't gonna happen unless fuzzy bows suddenly become the new rage amongst meth dealers.

Annie: How much has your wife influence your regard for animals? If memory serves me correctly, you've always been an animal lover. Something about wanting to be Dr. Doolittle?

Jon: You know, she works at the zoo now. Yeah, I love animals, but she's really out there, helping them, while I stand about ten feet away and say, "All right, honey! Good job! Way to probe that giraffe's anus!" It's great because I'm more involved with animals that I would ordinarily be, I think. I can live vicariously through her. When she's not probing things, anyway. Stop looking at me like that. You know what I meant.

Annie: [Laughs] You know, that reminds me of your alien probing joke on Unleavened. Do you ever think about returning to stand-up?

Jon: It grounds you, but it's exhausting. It's such a terrific experience, and I miss it a lot. I try to do a show now and then to keep my senses sharp, but yeah, sometimes I miss the circuit. It's a crazy, hard life, but it's one of those things that you probably miss more after you leave it.

Annie: Right.

Jon: . . . .

Annie: . . . .

Jon: . . . .

Annie: Do you feel more pain or joy at Bush's presidency? On the one hand, you have a mine of material. On the other hand, he is, as you once said, possibly breaking the country.

Jon: Yes . . . well, obviously I'm a person, a citizen, and I have my own views about the, uh, president. The wackier he is, the better our material can be, but I'm not so evil as to want out country destroyed purely for a chuckle. We can find material with anyone, but obviously the job is a little easier when there's an angle.

Annie: Mmm hmm.

Jon: . . . .

Annie: . . . .

Jon: Are you . . . listening?

Annie: . . . .

Jon: . . . .

Annie: . . . .

Jon: Do you . . . have any other questions?

Annie: Are you very fond of Tracy? I mean, you know, REALLY fond of her?

Jon: What? Why? Why . . . why would you --

Annie: You know, I'm an excellent cook.

Jon: Oooooooooooookay. Um, I have to --

Annie: I have these glasses here. As you can see, they're wire-rimmed. Here you go.

Jon: What is this?

Annie: Consider it a . . . gift. From the JSEB.

Jon: Oh. Thanks.

Annie: [Clears throat]

Jon: Yeah. [Clears throat]

Annie: So . . . .

Jon: So . . . what?

Annie: Aren't you going to try them on?

Jon: Well, I don't really need glasses.

Annie: It's a fashion statement. You don't wear them because you need them.

Jon: Oh. Like Drew Carey.

Annie: Yes. Well, not exactly like Drew Carey, no.

Jon: Okay. Um.

Annie: Go ahead. Come on now.

Jon: Why are your eyes so wide?

Annie: Sorry. The lighting in here is bad.

Jon: Okay. How do I look?

Annie: . . . .

Jon: Well?

Annie: . . . .

Jon: Is that drool?

Annie: Bgruupssspt.

Jon: Look, Annie, I have a lot of stuff to do, and I think that maybe --

Annie: Can I take a picture?

Jon: Yeah, about that, see, I think maybe . . . .

Annie: It will only take a second.

Jon: I think I hear my producer calling me. Hold on! I'll be right there! I have to go.

Annie: I didn't hear anything

Jon: There she is again. Can you find your way out?

Annie: Please -- just one picture. I gave you a present and everything.

Jon: Bye now.

Annie: Yeah, but --

Jon: Off you go.

Annie: On no! Don't take them off!

Jon: Au revoir.

Annie: Oh darling! You speak French!

Jon: OUT!

Annie: Just five more seconds?


Annie: Maybe a side view with of you with the glasses on?


Annie: Two seconds?





August 26, 2001

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